ARRRRRGH...Things That Drive Me Nuts

Facebook Spoilers

2009-08-01T17:31:00.000-07:00

I have noticed a growing and highly disturbing trend in Facebook status messages. A certain population of Facebook users seem to find it acceptable to post spoilers as their status messages, effectively ruining many important and exciting revealing moments for the rest of us sad saps. You would think people would just intuitively KNOW not to do something so douchey, but apparenty not.

Mike and I, like MANY other people out there, like to DVR tv shows and watch them later so we can skip commercials. Additionally, we're out here in California, so whatever happens on the East Coast takes 3 hours to make its way to us. And yet people refuse to consider these reasonable facts and instead decide it would be a good idea to post revealing info that absolutely deprive us from having our own organic experiences. This is in very poor taste, my friends. Very poor taste indeed.

Example: I'm not a huge Oscars fan, but I do love knowing the big 3 of Best Actress, Best Actor, and Best Picture. This year I trudged through the nearly the entire show waiting for Best Actor with great anticipation. With about 20 minutes of the show left, at least 6 people posted something like, "OMG I can't believe Sean Penn won Best Actor!!!" Entire Oscars ruined. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MISS LIPPY.

Another example: People on earlier time zones always post who gets kicked off of reality shows. Seriously, people? SERIOUSLY? You feel the need to post it on Facebook the SECOND it happens, before the rest of the United States has had a chance to find out for themselves??? One of the highlights of my week this summer has been So You Think You Can Dance. I love the dancers this season and I look forward to Thursday nights where I bite my nails while waiting to see if my favorites are going home. And even though I can skip to the end, I like the drama and the build up and the anticipation (doesn't everyone??). I work hard all week, surely I deserve this small pleasure? But no... I will log on to Facebook at around 7 pm and some East Coast asshole has written, "OMG I can't believe Randi got kicked off!" The ENTIRE SHOW is then destroyed for me, because why even bother watching when I know the outcome???

Last week my friend posted something about SYTYCD and I quickly wrote back and said, "I haven't seen it yet, please don't post any spoilers!!" Maybe 5 minutes later her friend responded to the SAME thread saying who got kicked off. WHAT THE F---?? I specifically asked for no spoilers! People, come ON! Can't you just wait a reasonable amount of time so as to ensure that everyone has had a fair chance? Is that SO difficult??

Mike says it is my fault for being on Facebook at any time when I don't want something to be revealed. I suppose this is somewhat true. But sometimes I just forget and log on anyway, and then get punished by someone's careless post. And why should I have to avoid Facebook? How about these Facebook Spoilers just think about other people for once and not just their own selfish whims? How about a little self-restraint when it comes to posting content that might possibly ruin something for someone else? I swear, if Facebook existed in the late 90's, a million morons would have posted, "OMG I can't believe Bruce Willis was dead the WHOLE MOVIE."

So yeah, I'm really freaking sick of people on Facebook ruining things for me. Can't you at least post something vague, like you were surprised, or you were unhappy, but not reveal the actual spoiler??? Or if you absolutely must share your reaction to some big reveal, call someone or send them an email. Don't put it out there for everyone to see and RUIN EVERYTHING for the rest of us. Or in the LEAST write "SPOILER ALERT" in big letters before your post. That at least gives the rest of us a small chance of avoiding your bad taste.

Anyway, I am considering unfriending anyone who posts any more Facebook spoilers. I will also try to avoid Facebook for the Oscars and SYTYCD and any other time I don't want some dumbass to spoil everything. It's a shame that I have to resort to this, but desperate times...

P.S. The picture really has nothing to do with the post, but it's HILARIOUS.

Renegade Cyclists

2009-07-30T20:29:00.000-07:00

Last night I got out of work and was walking to my car. I looked left and right and stepped into the crosswalk. A cyclist came whizzing by and passed behind me, fully clad in his uniform of bright yellow spandex and expensive polarized lenses. He yells at me: JESUS CHRIST YOU DIDN'T EVEN LOOK WHERE YOU WERE GOING!!!!

1) Yes I did. I looked left and right and saw no cars (or bikes for that matter). I proceeded. I didn't realize that once IN the crosswalk, I was supposed to remain hyper-vigilant in case of random attacks from assholes on bikes.

2) BIKERS HAVE TO FOLLOW THE VEHICLE CODE. That means cyclists have to yield to pedestrians, and stop at stop signs, and stay off the sidewalk, and look where the hell they're going. And yet this rarely happens. I can't even count the number of times I have almost been run down by some guy on a bike who thinks that just b/c he is sparing the air by choosing a bike over a car that he gets to be above the law and do whatever the hell he wants and act like a first class douche. I HATE that mentality...oh, I'm doing the environment a favor, so everyone get the hell out of my way! That's like saying, "I recycle, so it's okay if I assault a few elderly people." One good act does not give you free license to put other people in danger.

I love how this guy was recklessly zooming down a busy downtown street and yet I am the one who gets yelled at. How come the police are all over you if you're in a parking space for 30 seconds past your meter, and yet they are nowhere to be found when some jackass in spandex is blatantly giving the finger to the rules of the road? In any event, I hope that guy hits a pothole and has a "come to Jesus" moment with his bike frame.

The "Why Aren't You Married" Stigma (a.k.a. You Can Like It Even If You Didn't Put a Ring On It)

2009-07-19T21:20:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been asked the following extremely annoying question by several people, on several occasions: You and your boyfriend live together, why aren't you engaged? Besides being a sensitive and highly personal question, there is NO good answer. There is nothing you can say that doesn't come off as defensive or that actually satisfies the asker. I know, because I have tried to find the perfect response, but to no avail. They have a rebuttal to any reasonably argument I try to make as to why my unmarried cohabitation is AOK. No matter what I say, I WILL be judged.

I've tried the classic response, "we're happy with the way things are," but no one ever believes that. They think I'm secretly dying for a big rock, and won't feel complete until my poor ring finger is no longer tragically naked. I've tried, "we know we want to be together, so we aren't in a rush," but then they ask why we don't just get married if we know we want to be together. I've tried being practical: "Mike is in law school, Mike is studying for the bar, we are both just getting started in our careers, I don't want to lose eligibility for my loan repayment program, etc" but apparently people think matrimony supersedes all financial, logistical, or other reasonable and practical life considerations. I'm SURE the CA Bar Examiners would give Mike some extra time on the test if they knew he was getting MARRIED! I've even tried, "we're broke and can't afford a wedding." I thought that would shut people up, but that response also never satisfies. They tell me my parents will pay for it. I tell them this is unlikely. So they suggest taking out a loan. I don't think that the solution to being broke is to add to your debt. They then try suggesting that we just have a "small, inexpensive wedding." Ugh. After Prop 8 passed, we felt very strongly about not getting married until Prop 8 is overturned, and tried to explain this to people. But even though that logic is good enough for Brangelina, it ain't good enough for the general population. In sum...I can't win.

No matter what I say, I end up feeling like I have just been put through some weird social test which I have failed miserably. They think I'm some poor girl whose man won't commit, or my relationship isn't as good as I think it is, or I should be planning some fake pregnancy to force the issue. (I've also started getting the whole "you're 30, you don't have all the time in the world to have babies, you'd better get on that" line of comments, but that is a whole other infuriating and rude topic.)

My response to all of this? BLLLLLLLLLLEEEECK. Leave me alone! I won't even bother saying all those things about how it is no one's business, or how I know what is best for myself, or how every couple is different. I will only say this: That is a RUDE ass question, and no one should ask it, especially of someone they don't know that well. And Beyonce, darling...I love your work, but you're not helping.

P.S. If anyone can come up with an excellent response to the question of "why aren't you married?" that both shuts someone up and points out to them that they are being rude, or that is just really funny, PLEASE pass it along! I'd love to hear your suggestions...

Update: I Forgive Starbucks (Mostly)

2009-05-28T20:44:00.000-07:00

So today I went to pick up the "drink coupons" we were promised as a result of Mike being accused of stealing. When I said I was there to pick up the coupons, they looked scared. This woman goes, "oh, here, let me help you. Um...we found your $5." Of COURSE you did. Because we paid with a $10!!!! I'm sure the register was over by $5, and they realized that accusatory barista was just an ass. Hooray, Mike's good name is cleared! They apparently thought I was going to be a big jerk about it. But I wasn't. I wasn't looking to be a jerk, I just wanted my money! Although it took forever to get the money and coupons out of the safe, and while I was waiting I ordered a tall coffee, and they charged me for it. Ha! I kind of thought I might have gotten it for free, but whatever.

Anyway, they did get the safe open, and gave me my $5 back AND two drink coupons. Which was nice, so I'm going to end my Starbucks boycott.

However...the guy who kept accusing Mike was pretty aggressive. I think he should have apologized. He wasn't there when I went in, but he could have left a short note in the envelope. Because he was WRONG and falsely accused a customer of LYING and trying to STEAL! I understand that people don't apologize much unless they are forced to, and it isn't the hugest deal. But it would have been nice.

At the end of the day, the biggest issue was that I deserved to get my money back. And that's exactly what happened. So even though I think it was crappy of the barista to be so nasty to Mike and accuse him of lying/stealing, I'll let it go. Which is good, because I really like my grande nonfat lattes, and it is RIGHT near my house...

Gimme My Money, Starbucks!!

2009-05-25T20:13:00.000-07:00

A few days, I gave Mike some money to buy something at the store. He came back and gave me a $10 bill as my change. I put it in my cup holder. I remember seeing it every time I got into my car for the next several days. I even remember thinking "hmm...I don't get $10 bills that often." This fact will become relevant shortly.

This morning, I gave Mike the $10 bill from the cup holder to buy us both coffee. He ran into Starbucks and I waited in the car. Mike returned with $1 in change for 2 coffees. Um...where's the rest of my money???

Apparently the guy told Mike he owed $4, Mike gave him the $10, and the guy gave him $1 back. Mike says, "Excuse me, I gave you a $10." The guy says, "Nope, you gave me a $5. I'm sure of it." Mike understandably gets mad. He says, "No, I'm 100% positive I gave you a $10." The guy tells him he is 100% positive it was a $5. Mike asks for a manager. The guy says we'd have to contact SEATTLE to look at the tape recording and see who was telling the truth, and that would take at least 30 minutes. Mike and I were meeting some friends, so he just left.

He gets in the car and I'm all "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL NO! We are calling those shady bastards this INSTANT!" So we called, and the woman who answered said the same thing about having to call Seattle to review the tapes. And of course no one is in the Seattle office today, because it is a holiday. Um...can't they just count the register? If it's even, the barista was right (which he SO was NOT), and if it's over $5, then we are telling the truth (and it of course would have been over $5.). But this isn't an option?

What kind of a racket is this??? Apparently any sketchy barista can lie about how much money you gave them, and then simply say "oh, too bad, we have to have the execs from Seattle sort this out, and it will take a LONG time," so that you just give up and walk away out of frustration, and then they are ostensibly free to pocket your money. I don't think so, Star-take my 5-bucks.

At least the woman on the phone was nice, and she agreed to give us $5 in Starbucks drink coupons. Oh great. So after they try to steal our money, we get coupons to give them more business. Fantastic. Also, all the while the barista who caused this whole problem was in the background yelling "I know it was a $5 bill! He gave me a $5!" So basically we can't ever go in there again anyway, since they will surely spit in our coffee.

I know it's only $5, but no way can they get away with that behavior. Maybe they get a lot of people in there trying to swindle them. And maybe since it was only $5, we should have just let it go. But I'm not so keen on some giant corporation accusing us of lying and taking our money, leaving us with no recourse. Although it is ONLY $5, it is MY $5, and I would like it back.

So anyway, I just thought it was kind of funny that I had my $10 bill in my cup holder for a few days, or else I NEVER would have been so absolutely positive that Mike had paid with a $10. I also thought that companies these days were smart enough to leave your money out in plain view until they give you change, to avoid such potential conflicts. Guess not.

So for the foreseeable future, I'm totally anti-Starbucks. I will probably get over it next time I'm desperate for caffeine and Starbucks is the only thing in sight. But for now, they will be known as Starsucks. Because they do suck. A latte.

Aspiring Musicians

2009-05-16T19:44:00.000-07:00

Last night Mike and I were on BART going to his graduation party. (Hooray for Mike! He has a JD!!! Congrats!) To my supreme annoyance (but also mild amusement), two aspiring musicians were sitting behind us.

These two fit every cliche you can imagine. White, 20-something, shabbily dressed, likely high. One of them was a WBWD (white boy with dreads). Mike and I couldn't help but listen to their loud conversation during the 30-minute ride whille we silently judged them. In between all the "dudes" and the "mans" and the "ya knows," the dialogue contained some real gems. Below are a few excerpts from their "deep" conversation:

-Dude, you really need to push your chops.

-I'm trying to make music that's outside the box, man.

-I'm still not down from the clouds, man, ya know?

-I'm trying to push my sonic level.

-We're just like, on a different creative journey.

-There's been this stagnant vibe, dude.

And my personal favorite:
Dude number one: Dude, this is the SUMMER of seeing shows.
WBWD: Wait...didn't we spend all of LAST summer seeing shows?
Dude number one: Well, like, this summer will be even BETTER.

And at one point, WBWD got all serious and says, "I've got to admit it's getting better. It's getting better...all the time." Then they both pondered how deep those lyrics are. Oh...my...GOD.

I swear, all of those statements were all actually said by these two dudes. Mike is my witness. I even took out a piece of paper from my purse and wrote them down, so that their profound wisdom would not be lost in the universe.

BARF...ME. Why are so many aspiring musicians such blatant cliches??? I know I sound like a big jerk (and hell, maybe I am a big jerk), but I have dated three aspiring musicians in my past, and they all fit this stereotype to a TEE. I have yet to meet any aspiring musician who was any different from any other aspiring musician. From my experience, they are pretentious, think they are SO unique, and love to blame the world for "not understanding them." And most often don't have gainful employment. Who has time to work when you're "changing the world with your unique sound," ya know?

Dude, man, whatever you are...take a shower, put down the bong, and get a JOB, like, ya know. The odds are you possess mediocre musical ability, your songs are probably boring at best, and there exists an outside chance in hell that you will "make it." If you must, keep your bass guitar as a nice little hobby, and hit up the occasional open mic night...but how about growing up a bit? There is nothing unique about you, except that you are uniquely NOT contributing to society.

My Gym Nemesis

2009-05-13T22:17:00.000-07:00

There is a woman at my gym whom I have decided is my sworn enemy. I hate her. Here is why I hate her:

Every evening, she gets on an elliptical machine and starts GOING AT IT. Like, ridiculously so. She tenses up, puts her head down, and starts pumping her arms and legs like she's on speed or something. I think she might be demon possessed.

So yes, that is irritating, but it is not why I hate her. I hate her because while she is flailing like a madwoman on her machine, she breathes EXCESSIVELY loud. She forces out every exhale with a highly audible sound, which comes out rapid fire due to her strenuous pace. It sounds like this: tshoo, tshoo, tshoo, tshoo, etc. It is SO loud that it fills the room, and is SO ridiculously distracting. I can't focus on anything except for how annoying she is and how much I hate her and want to cause her physical harm. I have to blast my music to drown her out, and even then I can STILL hear her! She is ridiculous. Her and her dumb French braid and tight capri workout pants.

Then she gets off the elliptical and gets on a stationary bike to cool down. You'd think she would stop the loud breathing. But nope. She slows it down, but does not lower the volume. TSHOOOOOO, TSHOOOOOO, TSHOOOOOOO. I thought of asking the woman at the front desk if she could tell madwoman to shut the hell up because she is ruining my workout, but I'm pretty sure the front desk lady would think I was nuts, and would possibly even revoke my membership.

Madwoman also seems to have this magical power of knowing when I've gotten onto a machine, and then picks the one DIRECTLY next to me. When she shows up, I almost want to stop working out and move to a new machine, just to avoid her. A few times I have forgotten my iPod, and when she showed up, I seriously almost left the gym altogether.

So if that wasn't bad enough, she did the crappiest thing today. At our gym you have to write down the time you get on, and you're only supposed to be on there for 30 minutes. But people stay on longer all the time, which I find acceptable as long as there are open machines. Today, obnoxious madwoman went up to the perfectly normal woman on the machine next to me and said, "excuse me, you've been on the machine for 3o minutes." You may be thinking, those are the rules, what is wrong with that? But there were several EMPTY MACHINES. In fact, there was one RIGHT next to her! And the poor woman only had like, 2 minutes left. Who kicks someone off a machine when there are identical machines free and available??? This assface, that's who. So there she is next to me AGAIN, making we want to hurl my full Sigg bottle at her head.

To sum up: assface French-braided madwoman is not only supremely irritating, but she is also a huge jerk. And she is my nemesis. A showdown is looming. I'll keep you posted.

More Things I Hate About Flying

2009-05-05T20:46:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah, I know...every time I fly I find something to complain about. Well it's because flying is rife with potential for irritating people. Below is a list of the things that drove me NUTS during my most recent east-to-west coast jaunt:

1. The head-bobber: You know when people are asleep, and their head falls to the side, but then their subconscious causes them to snap their head back up, and then they fall back down, and snap back up, etc. Well not only did the girl next to me do this for 5 STRAIGHT HOURS, which was extraordinarily distracting and irritating, but every single damn time she fell toward me, not in the other direction. Also, she had long hair, so it would hit my arm EVERY time. I had to deal with some random stranger's hair hitting my arm every 30 seconds for 5 hours. I seriously almost hit her. Get one of those neck pillows! When we landed, she put her hair in a ponytail. Too little, too late...

2. Snorers: If you know that you snore like a chainsaw, you should be banned from falling asleep on planes. Seriously. Or at least get a Breathe Right strip or something.

3. Bringing your bed pillow from home: Yeah, we know, those airplane pillows are small, uncomfortable, and likely germ ridden. But there really isn't room in your seat for you and your full-size bed pillow. It forces you to encroach upon your neighbor's space. Either suck it up and go pillowless, or again, buy a c-shaped neck pillow.

4. Rude flight attendants: I'm not sure if they tell you this, but one of your essential job functions as a flight attendant is to ATTEND TO PASSENGERS. So whenever I get a flight attendant who rolls his or her eyes and is rude to anyone who dares ask him or her for anything, I must wonder why he or she chose this profession. On one of my flights, a passenger asked a simple question about her connecting flight, and the flight attendant snapped at her and said, "My only job is to get people drinks." I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure that is not your ONLY job as flight attendant. On another flight there was a lot of turbulence, and the Fasten Seatbelt sign was illuminated almost the entire 6-hour flight. Obviously during a 6-hour period, people inevitably need to use the bathroom! So obviously they had to get up while the sign was illuminated. The flight attendants kept yelling at people to sit down, quite rudely. Would they prefer these passengers wet their seats?

5. Rude passengers: People really need to stop yelling at airport employees for things that are beyond their control. One of my flights was delayed due to bad weather. Bad weather = no human being's fault. And yet multiple people were yelling at the ticket agents because they were going to be late and miss their connection. Hmmm...does yelling at the ticket agent stop the bad weather? Does it magically make the airplane take off sooner? Nope. It just makes you a bad person. I also heard people asking if they could call the airline at the connecting airport and ask them to hold their connection. Oh yeah, SURE. Let's hold an entire flight for ONE late passenger. You're that important. Way more important than EVERYONE else on the flight.

Of course it was all worth it to see my dear friend become happily married, and to spend time with my lovably nutty family. But no more flying for me for a few months...

Deli Counter Jerks

2009-04-23T18:38:00.000-07:00

This grievance is very similar to a past post on line cutters, but I am so annoyed by this recent experience that I feel compelled to post.

Last week I went to the deli counter at Safeway to grab a sandwich to make it through a ver late night at work. There was a man being helped, so I stood to his left and patiently waited. The woman making his sandwich was taking her slooooooooooooooow asssssssssss tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime, so I waited for at least 10 minutes. Finally, another woman came over. At that exact moment, some punk 20-something guy walked over. She went right to him and asked him what he wanted! Despite the fact that I had clearly been standing there waiting to be helped for quite some time.

Now, this woman was a jerk for ignoring me, but so was the guy. Dude, I obviously hadn't been helped yet. The courteous thing to do was tell the deli lady that I was there first and let me order first. But nope...selfish jerkface guy placed his order and got instant help. I had to wait even LONGER than I already had. Nice manners, DB. You'll make some woman very lucky someday...

So immediately after she takes his order, THEN the mean deli woman looks at me and says, "oh...are you waiting?" Um, YEAH. She goes, "well you were supposed to wait over HERE," and nodded slightly to the left of where I was standing. There was no sign anywhere that said "wait here." And I was standing a 2 feet from the spot. And clearly she knew I was waiting. She ignored me on purpose. I must have seriously offended her sense of rightness by waiting 2 feet away from the "correct" sandwich ordering spot.

As she had not began making DB's sandwich, one of the two of the jerks could have let me go first. But nope. She made his order. Serves me right for standing to the LEFT of the guy who was already there instead of standing to his RIGHT. How DARE I?

Moral of the story: guy who walked in and got help instantly even though I had clearly gotten there first and was waiting = big jerk. Deli woman who intentionally ignored me and punished me for not magically knowing the correct place to stand to place my order = bigger jerk. It took me almost 20 minutes to get a crappy Safeway sandwich, and I left in a foul mood. I hate rude, inconsiderate people. :(

Ode to the Bicyclist on Redhill Blvd

2009-04-16T20:17:00.001-07:00

For choosing a bicycle over a car, reducing carbon emissions, and promoting a healthy lifestyle...I would like to thank you.

For riding far enough into road so that no cars can pass you, on a majorly busy city road, during peak commuting hours, thus creating a long snake of angry drivers who would like to drive faster than 15 mph so they can get home and eat dinner...I would like to kick you in your spandex-clad ASS.

Leaving You High and Not So Dry

2009-04-10T22:22:00.000-07:00

We've all been there. You've just done your business in the lavatory. You reach for the toilet paper. BUT IT'S NOT THERE. You're face to face with the terrible sight of the tiny brown empty cardboard tube. What do you do now??? You're literally stuck sitting there, unclean, panicking, wondering what TERRIBLE AWFUL PERSON took the last of the toilet paper and did NOTHING about it, leaving you to wonder how the hell you're going to get out of there with your dignity intact! WHO WOULD INFLICT THIS ON THEIR FELLOW MAN???

Most of the time for guys, it ain't no thing. A little shake, zip up, they're out. But for women, it is far more complicated. What are we to do? Maybe there is a paper toilet seat cover nearby. Not exactly absorbent, and definitely not Angel Soft, but it's better than nothing. If you're lucky, you have a tissue in your purse. If none of those are on hand, you have limited options. You can suck it up and zip up, knowing that you will be forced to spend the rest of your day feeling icky and ashamed. You can sit there for as long as you can, wiggle around a bit to shake it off, then wait to air dry as much as possible to minimize the ickiness. Do you (GASP) use your hand? Can you live with yourself? Or do you stay put until some kind soul comes around, so you can beg for some toilet paper, hoping that the passer-by can spare a square?

When it comes to numero dos, things are far more dire. There is NO acceptable solution in this situation. Whether male or female, it is highly unacceptable to pull up the pants after a number two. The horror. The HORROR. The mental anguish. Not to mention the severe sanitation concerns, and the subsequent need to throw away and possibly burn whatever you were wearing that day.

So this all begs the question...WHO WOULD DO THIS TO YOU???

With public restrooms, it is the fault of the establishment. The onus is not on the random member of the public who uses the last of the toilet paper at say, the movie theater, or a restaurant. There needs to be regular checks of those stalls. If a roll is getting low, you restock. You have a backup roll on hand at ALL times. If these are not your regular restroom practices, you are not fit to run a business.

In residential situations, if you are the one who gets down to the cardboard tube, then you have a moral obligation to do something about it. If you live there, you replace it. If you are a guest, you tell whoever lives there to refill. Smart people bring out another roll when the old one is running low. And for the love of GOD, keep some spare rolls under the bathroom sink!

And you know what is almost worse than leaving it completely empty? Leaving it with ONE sheet left. You know that sheet that is half glued to the tube, hanging off in scraps? Whoever leaves that flapping in the wind and thinks that they are not screwing over the next person is a real asshole. That one "sort-of" sheet merely taunts the stranded sitter, adding insult to injury.

And yet, people still take the last sheet, enjoy the luxury of its availability, wash their hands (hopefully), and just walk out. They don't think about the deep emotional scars they are inflicting on the poor soul sitting there, up a creek without a paddle, hating whoever did this to them, hating themself, and ruing whatever they recently ate or drink that has forced them into this terrible position.

Most of us haven't been used to sitting in our own waste since the diaper days. There are few things more abhorrent. So I implore you...don't wipe and walk. It's a sacred region down there. Let's give it the respect it deserves.

And a tip to the rest of us...check the roll BEFORE you go. I know sometimes you're faced with an emergency, but that quick TP scan can save you from colossal disaster. And you're worth it.

People in Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Grocery Carts

2009-03-29T17:40:00.000-07:00

Mike was just at the grocery store, and a kid around 8 or 9 was throwing some sort of tantrum. He was whining about not getting something he wanted, and to show his discontent, he was jerking the cart around and pushing it in front of his mother to get to her. The mother did nothing...didn't tell him to stop, didn't take the cart away from him...nothing.

A bit later, Mike was bending over to pick something up from the dairy section and a cart suddenly jammed into his calf and Achilles tendon. That's right, you guessed it...in the throes of his continuing tantrum the little punk kid had catapulted the cart right into Mike's leg. Out of instinct, Mike exclaimed "Ow, what the $@&#!" I'd say that's a pretty normal reaction when a cart slams into you unexpectedly.

So what did oblivious mother do? Did she apologize? Did she ask Mike if he was okay? Nope...she scolded Mike for swearing. Um...HUH? I know Mike should not have sworn, but her kid should not have been whipping the cart around, or he would not have rammed it into Mike's leg, thus instigating the swear. If it's anyone's fault, it's HERS. Ironically, the kid actually had a look of remorse on his face before his mom stepped in to yell at Mike. Good thing his mom took away any chance of him learning a lesson from all this...

Bottom line, I'm pretty sure she would have been pissed if Mike scolded her for the way she was handling her son's tantrum. ("How DARE you question my parenting skills??!!!") But somehow she thought she had the right to scold Mike for swearing? People like her have no self-awareness...they don't see their own flaws, yet have no problem telling everyone else what is wrong with them.

All I'm saying is if you don't have your own crap in order, don't go around telling other people what to do. Because it just makes you an asshole. And a really bad role model for your kid.

Gas Pump Hogs

2009-03-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, my friend and I were driving back from LA to SF. My friend had to be back to SFO for a flight, and though we were making excellent time, we didn't have much time to spare. We inevitably had to stop for some gas, and pulled into an Arco.

Despite the fact that there were 3 gas pumps in a row, this girl decided to park her car at the first pump, even though she could have pulled up. Then she went inside the station to do who knows what. Buy some stuff, use the restroom. It was ages before she came back and even BEGAN pumping. There was not enough room to drive around her and go to one of the two empty pumps ahead of her. So we were stuck, sitting there, waiting for this selfish hog to do her thing before she decided she felt like pumping her gas.

People...ALWAYS PULL UP!!! You don't just take the first pump and stop. That is absurd. You pull as far forward as you can, to the last pump possible, so you aren't taking up ALL 3 pumps, when you only need ONE. You also pump your gas, and move the hell out of the way. You don't just leave your car there while you run your errands. Repark your car out of the way and THEN use the bathroom and buy your Diet Pepsi and your nachos. It's that simple.

I thought this was well-known gas pumping etiquette. ESPECIALLY when you are at a gas station off of a major highway, where many, MANY people will be stopping for gas and don't want to take all day to do so. This jerkface turned a normally 5-minute stop into a nearly 20-minute stop, for absolutely no reason. Why do I continue to be shocked by this type of completely selfish behavior? Will I ever learn??

Note: my friend did make her flight, despite the dumb girl's self-absorbed, egomaniacal gas pumping habits. But only due to my super speedy I-5 driving prowess...

FILL THE DAMN BRITA!!!

2009-03-18T16:08:00.000-07:00

I just went to the refrigerator at work to pour myself a nice glass of Brita-filtered water. I was ridiculously thirsty. I opened the fridge...and the Brita pitcher was completely empty.

What the hell is going through your head when you pour the last of the water and then decide to put the EMPTY pitcher back in there? I'm assuming it goes something like this: "Oops, water's all gone. The courteous thing to do would be to refill it before putting it back into the fridge, but I am extremely lazy and selfish, and so I will take my delicious cold water and be happy, and too bad for whatever punk is next in line. Wah ah ah!!!"

So yes, I had to fill the pitcher and sit there while it filtered through, meanwhile dying of thirst, only to then drink my lukewarm water. Thank you very much, person who took the last of the water and did not fill it.

Also, a little fyi: an empty plastic pitcher need not be refrigerated. Just leave it on the counter, selfish lazyface. At least then I'll know I'm SOL before I open the fridge in parched anticipation.

Rude People at the Airport

2009-03-08T14:52:00.000-07:00

Ooooooh...back to back posts! (I also just noticed that I make egregious use of the ellipsis...)

Last weekend I was flying back from Denver for a nice weekend with my college roommate, and I once again noticed that people at airports are VERY ANGRY.

First, I was walking by one of those annoying people who are trying to sell you credit cards to get free airline tickets. This woman was with Frontier, and she says as I walk by, "Do you know about our offer to get free flights?" I said, "no thank you" and smiled and kept walking. Then her smile dissolved and she got all hostile and says, "I didn't OFFER you ANYTHING, I just ASKED if you knew about it." Whoa...is that really necessary, especially for someone in the sales industry? I should have gotten her name and reported her. "Excuse me, credit card company? Do you know that your salesperson at the Denver airport is an angry, horrible person?"

Then I went to Caribou Coffee to buy Mike a bag of coffee, since it reminds him of his Minnesota upbringing. The guys behind the counter had an extremely difficult time ringing up the bag. It wasn't working, and it took three people to finally get it right. Irritating, yes, but completely not my fault. To be polite, I turned to the woman behind me and smiled and said, "I'm so sorry it is taking so long." She rolled her eyes at me and sighed loudly. Well excuuuuuuuuuuuse me for trying to be polite!!!

Anyway, I don't understand why people have to be so angry, especially when I am smiling and being polite. Let go of your anger, people. It doesn't get you what you want or get you where you're trying to go. It just makes you ugly and gives you ulcers and whatnot.

Offers for Extended Warranty

2009-03-08T14:38:00.000-07:00

I'm no fool...I put my cell phone number on the "Do Not Call" list as soon as I found out about it. So why, I ask, do I get a phone call almost once a week offering me some extended warranty for my vehicle?

It's a recording of some woman's voice, and she tries to make it sound like it is specific to me. She says something about how time is running out to extend the warranty, and how I can activate it to protect the life of my vehicle, or some garbage like that. Interesting that time seems to be of the essence, since I've been getting the same message for MONTHS now. I wish the offer WOULD run out so they would stop calling me. They also try to get tricky and call from a different number every time. But I'm on to them. I never answer numbers that I don't recognize.

In addition to it being supremely irritating, it also sucks up my cell phone minutes. I waste at least a minute each time I have to go in and delete the voice mail. Since they call me several times a month, those jerkfaces owe me several minutes per month in cell phone minutes!

I'm wondering if ANYONE is actually foolish enough to buy into this garbage scam. I'm also wondering how they are able to call me so many times despite my number being on the "Do Not Call" list. If anyone has any advice on how to get this OBNOXIOUS scam to stop calling me, I'd love to hear it. Or let me know if it repeatedly happens to you...I'm thinking consumer class action? Anyone?

Bad Borrowers

2009-02-24T19:57:00.001-08:00

Call me crazy, but isn't it true that if someone borrows something from you, then they are also obligated to return it to your possession? And I don't just mean they need to give it back because it doesn't belong to them. I mean they need to do the work to get it back to you.

Recently I have been noticing a trend that goes against this basic principle. A person will borrow something that belongs to me, but then expect me to come get it when they are done. Okay, so let me get this straight...I give you something that belongs to ME. You don't have to pay to use the item, you don't have to purchase your own item, and you get to enjoy the benefits of its use. If you don't return it, however, then not only do I gain nothing by letting you take my property, and I am deprived of its use while you have it, but I must now expend time and effort to get it back??? What the hell is that?

Example: a friend borrowed a cookbook from me. She has borrowed it multiple times. Why she has not gone out and bought her own copy, since she likes it so much, is beyond me. She doesn't just keep it until she's done with it. She keeps it until I ask for it back. When I need it, I have to drive all the way to her apt. to get it. Maybe next time she borrows it, I should just bend over for her. (Note: there will not be a next time. I have learned my lesson.)

If these are the rules of exchange (that you use my shit and then I have to go out of my way to get it back when you decide that you're done with it), then why on earth would we ever let anyone borrow anything?? It doesn't seem like there's much benefit to that bargain.

The rules should be: use it, return it promptly. If you need to keep it longer, you ask permission or at least apologize. If it is damaged in any way, you offer to pay for the damage or you replace it. And always always always, unless another agreement is reached, YOU return it. You don't expect the lendee to have to come get it. I thought these rules were well known, but apparently not.

My new policy is that if someone borrows my stuff and makes me go get it back, then that's the last thing they ever borrow from me. You've been warned!

Trader Joe's

2009-02-10T18:04:00.000-08:00

Don't get me wrong...I LOVE Trader Joe's. I love Joe's food. I love his prices. I love his business model. But as with most relationships, my relationship with Joe is complicated. And we all know that the people you love can hurt you the most. Trader Joe is no exception. EVERY time I go to visit Joe, it is always an ORDEAL. It can never just be simple and easy. Joe is the quintissential stereotype of a frustrating male. Behold the overwhelming evidence:

1) It is impossible to find parking. Thankfully I live in walking distance now. But if I want to stop by on the way home from work, not really an option. Typical man...plays hard to get.

2) It is always PACKED. No exceptions. No matter what time of day, no matter what day of the week, it is packed. You can't get through the aisles, you can't get to the food, and forget about getting to the free samples. Typical man...not easily accessible.

3) Most, but not all, of the people who shop there are obnoxious. Most shoppers are pretentious, bourgie, judgmental, insert other upper-middle-class-Bay-Area stereotype here. I feel like I'm being judged every time I pick something off the shelf. I got some looks today when I picked up a 6-pack of soda (OMG...do you know how much SUGAR is in that? Yes, I do...that is why it is delicious.). I don't like to be judged based on what I put in my basket. Typical male...makes you feel self-conscious and judged, and you don't like his friends.

4) TJ's always runs out of my favorite items. At least a few things on my list are ALWAYS out of stock. Likely because they are highly popular...okay, then ORDER MORE. Keep those shelves stocked! He gets me hooked on these delicious items like chicken sausage calzone, or cornmeal crust pizza. Then he withholds them, leaving me unsatisfied and wanting more. Typical male...plays mind games and has poor planning skills.

5) You have to wait FOREVER to check out. This is also without exception. The lines are always looooong and the cashiers are often slow and sometimes borderline incompetent. Today the woman in front of me had $280 worth of groceries. She needed two carts. That is a LOT of groceries. There was no one to bag, and she didn't dare lift a finger. So I have to sit there while the cashier rings up $280 worth of groceries AND bags it all by himself. Then he stopped in the middle to tie a balloon around the woman's daughter's wrist. Um, sir...let the mom tie the balloon, you just keep doing your job. Then a bag ripped and instead of picking it up and putting the entire ripped bag into an unripped bag, he transferred each item, one by one, into a new bag. IT TOOK FOREVER. Meanwhile my blood pressure is going up and I'm about to lose it. Don't make me wait, Joe! Stop paying so much attention to other women! Typical male...makes you wait and makes you jealous.

Alright, so Joe has many qualities of a typical male that are extremely obnoxious. But he is also close by, can offer a wide variety of wonderful items, and provides much-needed sustenance. And even after the drama, you are left with bags full of deliciousness that last for days. Even as we speak, I am dipping my pita chips into Joe's hummus, enjoying every crunchy, hummus-y bite, and feeling a bit euphoric.

So in sum, maybe my relationship with Trader Joe is unhealthy and thrives on dramatic highs and lows. But at the end of the day, I'll take that drama if it gets me some hummus. I love you, Joe. I always will.

Bathroom Blabbers

2009-02-05T20:10:00.000-08:00

Men like to tease women by telling us we all HAVE to go to the bathroom together. For me, this could not be farther from the truth. I suffer from a pretty intense case of stage fright. If someone is in the bathroom, I absolutely CANNOT go. I know I am not alone in this.

I hate when I walk into a bathroom and someone is in there. Multiple people is better, because there are so many noises in there that no one sits there and listens to you...you know, GO. But when it is just me and one other person, I sit there paralyzed. I am aware that they can hear everything I am doing. I freeze. I can't go. I try to do long division in my head (someone once told me that'll do it...sometimes it works). I count the tiles on the floor. I sit there and worry that the other person thinks I am having bathroom "issues" and that is why I am sitting silently in my stall. That fear just makes it worse. Usually I have to wait until they leave. It is very inconvenient.

But hey, usually it is some random stranger who only knows what my shoes look like, so who cares? Well it isn't always a stranger. Sometimes a friend or a coworker goes in there with you. That makes it ten thousand times worse. Because if they think you are having bathroom issues, then they will think it about it every time they see you for the rest of the day, maybe longer. Then it's REALLY impossible to go.

Alright, all that is bad enough. But then there are the people who TALK TO YOU WHILE YOU ARE GOING. Somehow these people are able to do their business through ANYTHING. How can you go to the bathroom while someone is chit-chatting with you??? I personally cannot. If I'm having a friendly conversation, nothin' else is happenin', you know what I mean?

The other day I was in a meeting with another attorney who I am somewhat intimidated by. Much to my dismay, when I got up to use the restroom, she decided she had to go, too. She talked to me about the law as we walked in, both sat in the stalls, while SHE went, and while I sat there frozen. I couldn't even think about actually using the bathroom until after she left. She stayed in there talking to me for a bit. I wanted to DIE. Eventually she left. I dread to imagine what she must have thought was going on in there. Damn you, stage fright.

Anyway, there are many places where it is appropriate to have a conversation, but the bathroom is not really one of them. Unless you are washing your hands, or applying lipstick in the mirror, or something along those lines, lay off the bathroom banter. I CAN'T GO IF YOU ARE TALKING TO ME. If I know someone well enough, I will tell them, "Hey, I don't mean to be rude, but I can't go if you're in here talking to me." But if I don't know someone that well, I have to sit there mortified about what they must be thinking while my "need to go" refuses to materialize. My rule: "if you're exposing bare butt, keep your mouth shut." Easy to remember. So lock those lips in the lavatory people. I don't need the stress!

Catalogs, Catalogs, Catalogs

2009-01-27T18:22:00.000-08:00

It's 2009. I know that some people are still disputing the existence of global warming, but does ANYONE dispute the contention that we need to conserve trees? Gone are the days where we use paper with abandonment. There are recycling bins next to nearly every trash can in every office across America. We recycle paper in our homes (hopefully). We sign up for paperless billing, and email or scan documents when we don't need hard copies. So WHY, in this age of conservation and recycling, do I still get SO MANY DAMN CATALOGS IN THE MAIL???

They are like viruses. You usually get one from buying something from the company. And you get it every month. Then somehow you get catalogs from companies somewhat similar to the company from which you bought something. Sometimes I will get not one, but TWO catalogs from the EXACT same company each month. Same name, same address...but two copies. You get copies of catalogs from people who once lived there but moved long ago. And once you get them once, you get them FOREVER.

Rarely rarely rarely do I enjoy receiving a catalog. If I want to shop, I'll go to the store or go online. And yet the catalogs keep comin'. It's especially annoying because a lot of the time I get catalog from a gift I bought for someone. It wasn't for ME. I don't like the crap your company sells! Stop sending me catalogs for Christian books! That ONE book I bought 4 years ago was for my mother, not me! I don't want to even look at your junk, nevermind BUY it. It feels like I'm being punished. I gave your company my money! I stimulated the economy! So stop punishing me by inundating me with useless refuse!

Today my mail box was crammed full of those circulars from the local grocery store and drug store. My real mail didn't even fit in there. AND I got circulars a few days ago from the same places. How many circulars does one person need? I don't even read them! My recycling bin is full of catalogs and circulars that I don't give a crap about. So much wasted paper. So many wasted trees.

I propose criminal sanctions for catalog abuse. Assault by catalog! Don't send us catalogs unless we ask for them! Or email us instead! Or make it really easy to get unsubscribed from your dumb catalog mailing list. Like the "Do Not Call" list. Is there a "Do Not Mail" list somewhere?

So Crate and Barrel, J.Crew, Pottery Barn, and anything related to Christian books...please leave me, my mail box, and my recycling bin alone. We just want to be environmentally responsible, and you're ruining it. You and your dumb glossy pages...

P.S. I apologize for all of the exclamation points. Catalogs just make me really, really angry.

Ridiculous Baby Names

2009-01-24T17:47:00.000-08:00

What do Hermes, the Greek messenger god, Bronx, the New York City burrough, and Kal-el, Superman's birth name, all have in common? They are all names that jackass celebrities imposed on their poor, defenseless babies. (Names chosen by Kelly Rutherford, Ashlee Simpson/Pete Wentz, and Nicholas Cage, respectively).

What is it with celebrities? Who do they think they are? "Oh, I'm famous so I can name my kid after an adverb." (Milla Jovovich's child: Ever.) "I'm so important, I will name my child after a bluegrass instrument." (Rachel Griffiths' child: Banjo.) "Let's be quirky and name our kid after itself." (David Duchovny and Tea Leoni's child: Kyd.)

Some are just outright WEIRD, or incredibly childish: Spec Wildhorse, child of singer John Cougar Mellencamp and model Elaine Irwin; Audio Science, child of sort-of celebrity Shannyn Sossamon; Pilot Inspektor, child of Jason Lee. Then there's director Robert Rodriguez, of El Mariachi and Desperado fame, who decided to have a whole slew of strangely named children: Rocket, Racer, Rebel, and Rogue Rodriguez. (Note that I keep saying "child" rather than boy or girl. It's because for the vast majority of these children, I have no idea what the sex of the child is based on the name alone.)

I guess they think they're being creative? Most of the time it's just obnoxiously pretentious. And these are children of celebrities! As though they aren't going to stick out enough in life. Why not ensure that they will never, ever have a normal life by naming them after a tree? (Pine: the child of Duran Duran's Simon LeBon.) Or make sure your kid is mocked incessantly by making up a word that means nothing but contains something you pick out of your nose. (Tabooger: from MTV's Dan Cortese.)

I used to be upset when I was a kid because no one spells "Meghan" with an "h," because I could never buy anything personalized, like pencils or stickers or those tiny license plate crappy things. Everything always spelled my name "Megan." I felt so left out...if only my name was "Melissa" or "Jennifer." Imagine trying to find a tiny license plate that says "Moxie Crimefighter?" (child of magician/reality contestant Penn Jillette.)

And of course it isn't just celebrities. Non-celebrity mere mortals do it, too. As a teacher, I used to see some real gems. A boy named Everlasting. A girl named Tequila. And I used to feel bad for the kid in my class named William Williams...

Let's call this what it is: child abuse. You are effectively relegating your child to a life of taunts and ridicule, all so you can feel "unique." It's incredibly selfish. Do you ever stop and think of how this child will feel with the name Zolten? (Another Penn Jillette gem.) Let's just hope these parents don't spend the rest of their child's life putting their own random whims over the best interests of their child.

P.S. And the winner for the child name that is SO bad it's actually kind of awesome: Jermajesty, child of Jermaine Jackson.

Unabashed Nudity

2009-01-21T19:24:00.000-08:00

Let me begin by apologizing about the delay in posting. There were the holidays, then I moved, then I just wasn't feeling inspired. But today in the gym locker room, as I was surrounded by 4 naked ladies well into their 60s, inspiration found me.

I get it...locker rooms are for nudity. You change into your workout clothes, you shower, you get dressed for the outside world. Each of these acts require being naked. And no, you should not have to cover yourself up at every turn or be ashamed of your body. It's only women in the locker room, that's what they're for, it's freeing to not care, blah blah blah.

But there is naked, and there is NAKED. It's the difference between walking naked from the shower to the changing area...and sitting naked on a bench, legs spread wide, having a lengthy conversation with someone. I understand necessary nudity. I just don't understand the "zero modesty whatsoever" policy. It's...for lack of a better word...awkward to be around someone completely nude for an extended period of time. It's awkward to see them drying off their hair while their everything jiggles and shakes. Call me a jerk, but I just don't need to see a woman old enough to be my grandmother bent over putting on lotion. (Shudder)

Mike has to work out at the same gym as his professors. And inevitably, he's had to run into them as they've exited the shower. He's sadly been forced to endure several conversations with professors in the buff. So he basically has to stand there and speak with his superiors, all the while pretending he isn't in close proximity to soggy old man junk.

I suppose locker room nakedness is a necessary evil. And maybe I'm just a prude. Maybe when I'm 60-something I'll stroll around in my birthday suit with reckless abandonment. But until then, I'm mastering the art of lightning fast clothes changing. I want to spend as little time in that flesh fest as possible.

Roddy B.

2008-12-19T21:31:00.000-08:00

Today, Rod Blagojevichonovskiwitz defiantly announced he has no plans to step down, saying "I will fight until I take my last breath." He maintains his innocence. The accusations are false, of course. He apparently did not attempt to sell Obama's senate seat to the highest bidders. Apparently aaaaaaallllll those recordings from wiretapped calls are just lies perpetuated by a "political lynch mob."

Roddy B...put a fork in it, you're DONE. Your entire state legislature voted 113-0 to assemble an impeachment committee. The evidence against you is overwhelming...that gun isn't just smokin', it's on FIRE. You have fallen from political grace in what is being called one of the biggest government scandals ever. You have ruined your name and brought shame to your state. It's O-V-E-R.

But does Blahblahblah accept this as fact? Nope. He has decided instead to force the poor people of Illinois to engage in a drawn out, ugly, EXPENSIVE battle to oust him. That's just what the state needs after its governor has completely f-ed it...to waste precious resources in this terrible economy. Nice governing, buddy.

Blagagablah should take a cue from Spitzer. He owned what he did and quickly stepped down. I by no means think Spitzer is an exemplar, but at least he didn't insist on keeping his position when he was caught redhanded. Blago-go-gadget-arms...have you learned nothing from other obviously guilty politicians who put up a fight? Look at Sen. Stevens, for example. He vehemently insisted on innocence...and was found guilty of SEVEN felony counts and lost his seat. And then there's Sen. Craig, who admitted guilt but is now recanting. He's looking even more like a damn fool every day, all the while dragging his family through the nastiness. NO ONE believes these men are innocent, and no one ever did. They are delusional megalomaniacs who cling to futile hopes of maintaining their power while assuring their places in history as utterly despicable jokers.

So RB, I beg you...save your breath for worthier battles than your unsalvageable career. You have pounded the final nail in your political coffin. You're going down no matter what. There's no need to drag the entire state of Illinois down with you.

The Dolce Commercial

2008-12-17T18:58:00.000-08:00

I know I have previously mentioned that one of my dream jobs would be some sort of "tv commercial czar," where I could nix commercials that are stupid, crude, pointless, offensive, obnoxious, etc. This dream has recently been reignited by the Canon commercial starring tennis star Maria Sharapova and her little dog, Dolce.

You must have seen this commercial because they play it about 48 times per day. In the commercial, Maria and Dolce are stopped multiple times as they tool around town by people wielding Canon cameras. They ask permission to take a picture...Maria assumes they must want to take a picture of her, the gorgeous pro athlete. But no, they all want to take a picture of her Toto-like dog, Dolce. Apparently he/she is a VERY cute dog.

And the premise is cute...at first. But the scenario happens like, 4 times in the commercial. Every single time, Maria is shocked that the intrusive photographers want a picture of her dog. "I'm over here," she says. Honey...if it KEEPS happening, why are you still so surprised? Your dog is cute, people want to photograph it, get over it. But no, she's taken aback anew with each instance. Poor Maria comes off as either self-absorbed and narcissistic, or just really dumb.

I know it is not Maria's fault...she is just performing the script that Canon gave her (and for which Canon is paying her the big bucks). She very well may be intelligent and modest. But the commercial does not cast her in a very positive light. In trying to sell a product that can capture memorable moments, the ad guys at Canon are clearly stuck in the dark room. (I know, laaaaaaame pun. I'm groaning, too...)

Exclamation Point Overuse

2008-12-10T21:38:00.000-08:00

Have you ever received an email like this? "Hey!!! How are you?!! I am fine! I am having a great day! I haven't seen you in so long! My car is blue! It is Monday!"

You get the idea.

I can't stand overuse of exclamation points. Exclamation points are solely for things that actually deserve exclamation: "Watch out! Fire! I can't believe what Chuck wrote in his note to Blair!" They are NOT for routine declaratory sentences, such as: "I am hungry." or "We are out of milk." or "People who overuse exclamation points are obnoxious." After the second or third exclamation point in an email, they lose all impact. It is as if they disappear altogether.

Exclamation point abusers are the boys who cried wolf. One day, their overuse will come back to bite them. They will have something that really, truly deserves emphasis, and they will use an exclamation point properly. But we won't notice. We will read the sentence in a completely normal way, with no emphasis whatsoever...and there will be DISASTROUS consequences. Damn you, overusers! (Note the proper use of an exclamation point at the end of this post).

Backseat Drivers

2008-12-02T21:52:00.000-08:00

I have to begin this post with an admission. Last week while driving back from my dad's house for Thanksgiving, I was an egregious backseat driver. I had to go to the bathroom (shocker), and did not feel as though Mike was driving sufficiently fast enough to get me to a rest stop. He was taking a right turn while a large Mack truck was approaching fast. I said "watch out for that truck!" And what was Mike's reaction? Did he know exactly what I was talking about and thus speed up to get out of the intersection safely and avoid the truck? Of course not...I scared the crap out of him and he hit the brakes.

If I had said nothing, Mike would have made his turn just fine, the very large truck would not have hit us, and we would be on our way. But instead, we both freaked out, then he had to slam on the gas to finish his turn, the enormous Mack truck whizzed by us, and our hearts were still pounding by the time we got to the rest stop. I'm still apologizing for it.

That's about the normal reaction of backseat driving. Someone says "watch out" and your initial instinct is to slam on the brakes while your stomach does a few cartwheels and your heart leaps out of your chest. It is far MORE dangerous then whatever minor traffic condition the backseat driver was trying to warn you of. Unless there is, in fact, something directly in front of you that the driver is going to crash into in a mere moment, then zip your lip. An example of when it's ok: a few weeks ago I got so excited about a legal brief while I was driving my boss to lunch that I would have crashed into a stopped car in front of me if he didn't scream for me to stop. Now THAT was appropriate backseat driving. But for the rest of you, close your eyes and say a few Hail Marys if you have to, but for the love...don't unnecessarily scare the bejeezus out of the person operating a potentially deadly vehicle!!

Besides being extremely dangerous, backseat driving is also SUPER irritating. "That car up there is coming to a stop," "Look out for that guy turning," "I think this person is about to change lanes." Um, yeah...I passed my driver's test when I was freaking 16. I am aware of the cars around me, I don't need a running narrative of my environment. And what do these backseat drivers think happens when they aren't in the car without their sage guidance? Do they think you just speed around willy nilly, carelessly bashing into cars left and right? All because the backseat driver isn't there to explain the nuances of traffic patterns around you? The answer is no, backseat driver. We all do just fine. If someone actually DOES drive that piss poorly, then it's safe to say you shouldn't be in the car with them anyway. And besides, there are people whose job it is to monitor motorists. They are called police.

In sum, barring an emergency, there is no excuse for backseat driving. It is irritating and dangerous. If you don't like someone's driving, then you have two choices: keep your mouth shut, or don't get in the car with them. Or if you really feel a burning desire to tell people how to drive, then teach Driver's Ed.

Oh, and Mike: I'm still sorry about the truck incident. It won't happen again, or you can forbid me from talking in your car. You have it here in writing...

Line Cutters...They DO Exist Past Elementary School!

2008-11-29T18:24:00.000-08:00

Today I walked into a bakery, and a woman walked in after me. The lady behind the counter then says, "I can help whoever was next." The woman, who most definitely walked in AFTER me, said, "yes, I would like a loaf of wheat bread, please." Um...excuse me, maam? You were most definitely NOT next. But sure enough, she walked out with her bread before I ever got helped.

A similar thing happened to me a few weeks ago at Office Depot. I was in a pretty big rush, and I was waiting in line for the sole cashier to finish with a customer. The customer left, and a woman and her three children walked right in front of me and put their stuff on the counter. The cashier looks at me and says, "Weren't you next?" But the woman pushed her stuff toward him, completely disregarding me. I didn't feel like putting up a fight.

What is wrong with these people? I mean, this is something you learn in Kindergarten. First come, first served. No cutting in line, no saving spots. You don't completely ignore the person who got there first. It's not the way things work in a civilized society.

Maybe I'm invisible. I never thought of that. Maybe I have a magical power that enables me to go sight unseen to my fellow patrons. If I knew how to harness that power, I could avoid a lot of unpleasant encounters with people I don't feel like talking to. Or maybe these line cutters are just WAAAAAAAAY more important than me. They can tell just by looking at me. They see me and think, my needs are far more pressing than this young woman's, even though she got here first. Screw her...I'm getting my bread before her!

I'm not sure I believe in karma, but in times like this I hope it exists. Then these line cutters might find themselves in a rush and unable to get service. They'll get stuck in that line behind the really slow grocery store cashier and the customer who hasn't updated to debit cards and therefore is painstakingly filling out a personal check. Or they'll be behind that customer who picked the one item without a price tag, and the cashier has to call in a price check. But alas, these people will just get mad for having to wait, and feel as though an injustice has been done to THEM...they won't know it's their punishment for being crappy and cutting me in line. Sigh.

I wish I was as important as these people, so I could walk in front of other people and get service first. Maybe someday. A girl can dream...

People Who Have Already Seen It

2008-11-21T12:58:00.000-08:00

My roommate and I have this ongoing tv-watching struggle. If she's already seen an episode of something, she likes to guide my viewing of it. "Watch this part," or "this scene is important," or "you're not watching and you're going to miss something big!" It bothers me for multiple reasons. First of all, I don't like being told what to do. My immediate reaction is to rebel against any strict directives and do the exact opposite. You're telling me to watch, then I'm specifically NOT going to watch. I don't respond well to orders. So take that!

Second, when people do that, it ruins the natural flow of the show. If something big is going to happen, I want it to be a surprise. I don't want to brace myself for it. It ruins the suspense or the unexpected nature of the scene And sometimes I don't think it was a particularly important part, and then I'm let down. It's just all around badness.

Also, if I already AM watching, then why tell me to "watch this part?" Is there a way for me to watch better? Should I put on my glasses, or sit up straighter, or hold my breath, or sit on the edge of the couch? And if I'm not watching "closely enough," isn't that my prerogative? Maybe I'll miss something, maybe I won't. How I choose to watch a show is really no one else's business.

She claims that I deserve it, because I guess once I accidentally ruined a movie for her by telling her I didn't like this one character, so the whole time she knew the guy was going to turn out to be a jerk. I have apologized, but she is apparently never going to forgive me.

So I guess due to my slip-up, I will forever have to endure the "you aren't paying attention" and this is an important part." Well, at least until January, when I move out. I will miss my roommate dearly, but I will not miss watching television with her. Or her love of cooking stinky fish, but that is another blog post. :)

Red Hot Hand Raisers

2008-11-08T15:42:00.000-08:00

Remember when you were in elementary school, and there was that kid (or kids) whose hand would shoot up in the air, and he would wave wildly, and make noises like "ooh, ooh, me me me!!!" Do you also remember how you wanted to sock that kid in the face? Well, my several hours at a legal conference today prove that some things, or people, never change.

I realize that this is very close to my earlier post, Any Questions? However, that post focused on people who ask a question with 5 minutes left in class or in a meeting. This post is about those few people who either think their questions are way more important than anyone else's, or simply have a Narcissus-like obsession with the sound of their own voice.

Today during presentations from the various speakers, the same 3 people would raise their hands. You knew who the Red Hots were in the first 15 minutes, because not only did they ask multiple questions, but the did so in the MIDDLE of the speaker's presentation. That leads to the first obnoxious tactic of Red Hots: asking questions prematurely, before giving the speakers a chance to do their thing, prompting the response, "I'm going to get to that in just a moment." Here's a novel idea...how about holding off on your question until the END? Then if it isn't covered, ask away. Saves us all time. I know it's a radical concept, but think it over.

Then there is obnoxious tactic #2: asking a question that is applicable to the asker only. It is always an ultra-specific question, which takes a long time to ask and even longer to answer. Meanwhile, the rest of us get nothing out of it, the speaker is delayed in their presentation, and the Red Hot unfairly benefits at our expense. "Um, I have this creally unique case about this particular party who did this very random thing, and I am writing this groundebreaking argument, and I was wondering what the court would think..." Buddy...wait until after and speak to this person alone, or give them a phone call, or send them an email. But don't waste the whole room's time with your own personal query. This is an informative conference, not a strategy session.

Obnoxious tactic #3 is the non-question masquerading as a question. The person takes a statement and asks it in a question-like tone. Or maybe they add some innocuous question to the end to validate their raising their hand. "I always do such and such when I write legal arguments. Do courts like that?" Red Hot clearly just wanted kudos from the speaker for his exemplary writing practices, or for the rest of the room to know just how amazing his legal writing is. What's amazing is that there was enough space in the conference room for the speaker, the participants, and that guy's ego.

So here's a good test: if you're at a large conference where few people know each other, and by the end of it the speaker knows your name, then you're a Red Hot. And the strange feeling you're experiencing, that sensation of prickly hot electricity on the back of your head, is likely the angry stares the rest of the participants are shooting at you as they wish you would shut up. Not only do you waste time and irritate the rest of us, but you prevent people with real, useful questions from being heard. You're like a living, breathing, irritating Hoover vacuum...you aren't efficient, and you suck.

False Accusations

2008-11-02T20:42:00.000-08:00

I work in a small town in Marin. To my delight, there is a residential street a few blocks from the office with all day parking. I can always get a spot and don't need to worry about paying a meter or moving my car every few hours. It is fabulous...usually.

One day I arrived at my car after work and saw a business card on the windshield. It was from the local police. There was a message requesting me to call. I called, but could not reach the officer and had to leave a message. I started freaking out. I had NO idea what it could have been. My coworker and I looked all around my car for scratches or dents, thinking someone might have hit my car. Nope. Nothing. The next day, the police officer called me back and said some guy claimed I hit his car and dented it. He filed a hit and run against me.

I of course became furious, because I did NOT hit his car. I think I would distinctly remember doing so, especially if I hit it hard enough to dent it (which, for the record, would have been nearly impossible for me to do in such a small parallel parking space, even if I tried.). Also, there was not a single mark on MY car. And since I did not hit his car, there could not have been any witnesses to this event. So let's get this straight...without anyone seeing a thing, I somehow found a way to gather enough speed while parallel parking in a small space to hit his car hard enough to leave a dent, and I did so with such skill that I did not leave a mark on my own car, and then I just left my car at the scene. Yeah...that makes sense...

I am not without sympathy...this guy is pissed because someone hit his car. I get it, it sucks. But don't just blame the person closest in proximity with no other evidence! And charging me with hit and run? I neither hit his car, nor did I "run." My car was still there! The ONLY thing I was guilty of was having the bad fortune of being parked behind a person at the precise moment he discovered a dent on his car. Buddy, it's a public street...anyone could have hit your car. If you didn't see it happen, and there is no mark on my car, and the spot is tight anyway, then you got nothin'. Suck it up and leave an innocent person alone!

I hate being blamed for wrongdoing I did not commit. It truly offends my sense of justice. Especially because I am an extremely honest person. Once I DID bump into someone's car while I was parking. I was on a hill, and my car rolled into the car in front of me. I don't even think I left a mark, and the car was so beat up I wouldn't know even if I had (and that's what bumpers are for, right?)...but out of a sense of duty, I left a note telling them what happened and left my number. So if I left a note THEN, surely I would have left a note if I actually dented someone's car.

In fact, I'm so honest that tonight when the clerk at Safeway gave me $30, and I was only owed $20, I told him immediately. When I told him, he tried to claim he owed me $30. Did I take the extra $10 and walk? NO. Because I am an honest person. I don't hit people's cars, and I don't take money that does not belong to me. I also don't blame people for things without having some degree of certainty that they are guilty, and then file police reports on them accusing them of committing a "hit and run," just because I am angry that my car got dented.

Sure, it's no fun when an injustice is committed against you. But it doesn't make it any better to rashly point fingers at innocent people. Especially when that innocent person is a lawyer. And I've said it before, but I'll say it again...you don't want to mess with an angry lawyer. Grrrr...

Obliviousness to Your Fellow Waiters-in-Line

2008-10-22T20:14:00.000-07:00

So I'm a pretty busy gal these days. I got my first job out of law school, and I've got lots and lots of work to do. Gone are the days when I'll take a long lunch to kill time. Some days I need all the minutes of work time I can get...so I often run across the street, grab a pre-made sandwich, and eat at my desk. A few days ago I had to finish writing a complaint by the end of the day. I headed over to get my lunch, grabbed a turkey sandwich...and then just stood there at the register. There was only one woman in front of me, but she was apparently unaware that she was not the only person in the place.

This woman was complaining about something that was wrong with an order she had made a week ago. The cashier was being very kind, and saying things like, "I'm so sorry, thanks for telling us, I'll make sure to speak to the owner when she returns." You'd think that would be the end of it. But no...the woman kept going on and on and on. "I'm so sorry to complain, but it's just that the food here is always so good, and I love the food here, and I was surprised that there was a problem, because the food is so good, and I feel bad for complaining," etc. etc. etc. The cashier kept saying the same thing: "I'm so sorry you had a problem, thanks for letting us know," etc. etc. etc. It was clear the conversation was O-V-E-R. But girlfriend wasn't having it. She decided it would be beneficial to have the conversation ad nauseum. Despite the fact that the cashier had acknowledged her, validated her, and promised to take action.

Meanwhile, I am just standing there, getting more and more frustrated by the minute. Lady...you're not at a customer service counter. You are monopolizing the SOLE cashier in a crowded place. As you go on and on unnecessarily, the queue is growing, and more people are being kept from work or their errands or eating their food. ALL I had to do was hand the cashier some money and get some change. That could be accomplished in 30 seconds. But instead, it took about 10 minutes. All she had to do was let it go after the first four times she repeated herself. Or even take a step to the side, and continue on repeating herself while I paid. But selfish lady didn't stop to think that other people existed, or that they might also want access to the cashier. That woman owes me 9 minutes and 30 seconds of my life that I will never get back.

The same thing happened to me last week at the gym. There is one water fountain in the cardio machine room. I work out in the morning, so I have very little time to work out, shower, and get to work on time. So I throw my magazine and towel on the treadmill and rush to fill my water bottle. But can I do that? Of course not. There is a woman standing in front of the water fountain, drinking her water, and reading a flyer on the wall. The flyer is to the left of the water fountain, so there was no need for her to block the fountain. But there she stood. Directly in my way. Drinking away, wasting my time.

I would like to know how these people are so talented at blocking out the world around them so that they don't notice they are sharing space with other living, breathing humans beings. I mean, that's a talent I wish I had. I wish I could block out the nutty people on the bus, or the loud neighbors upstairs who play Rock Band at 1 am, or my boyfriend when he snores.

I mean think about it...if only I could possess this unique power of self-absorption. I would never have to give up my seat on the bus for an elderly person, or yield to pedestrians, and I could cut people in line with impunity, and steal parking spaces from people who got there first. But alas...I am plagued with a recognition that other people exist in the world, and that my actions impact these other people. Just another way my darned conscience stands in the way of my ultimate dream of complete callousness. Curses...foiled again!

Abuses of Power

2008-10-16T19:24:00.001-07:00

Today as I walking to work, I stepped cautiously into the crosswalk across the street from the office. I looked both ways and noticed a police cruiser slowly approaching the crosswalk. I thought to myself, "He's far enough away and driving at a very slow speed...he'll stop for me to cross for sure. I mean, it's the LAW and he's a COP" But no. He did not stop. He drove right through. He even looked right at me as he did it. We all know that if I had been in the car and HE had been in the crosswalk, that would not have been acceptable driving behavior.

I was pretty irritated at the hypocrisy. It is the law to yield to pedestrians in crosswalks, and yet the law was completely disregarded by the person charged with enforcing it. But seeing as how the whole thing took about 30 seconds of my time, I let it go.

UNTIL about 2 minutes later, when he parked his car and began writing a ticket for a woman getting money from the ATM next to my office. Even through the closed door, I could hear the argument. The woman ran back to her car (which was apparently illegally parked, though I couldn't tell how) and began pleading her case: "I was only parked for a minute, I just needed to get money, there is no one else on the road, I'm so sorry." The cop was unmoved. He said, "What if EVERYONE just stops for one minute to get money?" And he gave her a ticket. If I was less of a wimp, I would have gone outside and said, "And what if EVERYONE fails to yield to pedestrians in a crosswalk?" But I didn't. Instead I sat there and got mad.

We all have a story about a police officer being a big hypocrite. They get to break the rules while harshly punishing the rest of us for even minor transgressions. I know that there are good, decent cops out there who keep us safe and make communities better. But there sure do seem to be a lot of them who get off on their badges and abuse their power at their own convenience, or even for their own entertainment. Sure, some people really deserve a ticket...but is the world really a better place if a woman pays a $50 ticket for stopping at an ATM on an empty street?

Abuses of power are just scary, whether it be by a man in blue or a man in a power suit or a man in a big white house. Sadly, it often seems like those who are most likely to abuse power are those most likely to be in positions of power. So I always give big props to those who wield their power fairly and wisely. I have high hopes that voters will soon be wielding their power fairly and wisely in November. Let's reward those who don't drive through crosswalks one second and ticket someone for a minor violation the next. Or else next time you might actually be IN the crosswalk when the cruiser doesn't stop...and you'll only have a $5,000 tax credit to pay for your medical bills.

Good Old Fashioned Gender Stereotypes in the Workplace

2008-10-09T18:02:00.001-07:00

Much like Britney Spears was not a girl, not yet a woman, I am not a law student, not yet a lawyer. I'm in that strange limbo of having a job but waiting for my bar results. My only credential is as a Juris Doctor, but I am not yet an Esquire, and am not licensed to practice in the state of California.

That being said, I've completed my legal education and am doing work that is entirely lawyerly. Thus, I was quite put off when these two financial guys in suits came into the office today looking for the attorney I work for, and while they were waiting for him, asked me if I was the paralegal. Hmm...woman in a law office? Must be a paralegal!

Now, I know there are people out there rolling their eyes and thinking, oh relax and don't be so uptight...it was harmless. Ok...maybe it was an honest mistake. I mean, I was actually doing work, and everyone knows real lawyers don't actually do work. Or maybe it was because I have a desk right when you walk in, and everyone knows real lawyers have some fancy important office somewhere not right next to the door. But I think we all know that if my male colleague was sitting by the door working on the computer, they would not have said, "so, are you the paralegal?"

What kind of a question is that, anyway? You're here to talk to the attorney about finances...what is it to you what I do? Perhaps I'm extra reactive because during my first legal internship after my first year of law school, a deputy attorney general introduced himself to me and asked me if I was the new legal secretary. It really just pissed me off...because I'm sure every year around May or June they get a slew of legal interns. It makes FAR more sense that a new face around the office in May would be an intern than a legal secretary. And again...what are the chances he would have said that to a young male intern?

I know people are sick of hearing about sexism, and people are also quick to blame women for being oversensitive about it. But I doubt it would have been kosher for me to say, "no, I'm an associate...are you a frat boy fresh out of college who wears striped shirts out to the clubs on the weekends, shops exclusively at Abercrombie, and hopes to have a long career screwing people so you can be rich?" So even though it was probably true, I kept my mouth shut. Because I remember the old adages of basic human decency: Don't judge a book by its cover; treat people like you want to be treated; if you can only think of things to say that are rooted in outdated sexist stereotypes, say nothing at all, etc.

So boys, a piece of advice...if you are going to make small talk in a legal office, at least make it about something innocuous that doesn't include ridiculously antiquated notions of men as lawyers and women as legal secretaries and paralegals. Because in a few months when the bar results come in (God willing), I'll be a legitimate lawyer. And we all know the only thing scarier than a scorned woman is a scorned woman with a license to practice law.

Celebrities Getting Props for Post-Baby Bodies

2008-10-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

The other day there was a headline in my little People feed that said "Jessica Alba's Secret for Losing the Baby Weight." You see headlines like this all the time, along with photos of Jessica in a bikini, or Angelina in a fitted evening gown, or Jennifer Garner looking all toned. Fans and media always seem to be SO impressed...HOW did these women DO it?? How did they lose the weight SO fast? How do they look SO good SO quickly after giving birth?? Then they print all these "weight-loss" tips for us normal people, presumably so we, too, can look that good post-baby.

There are always these ridiculous quotes, too: "I just worked really hard at it." Oh, so that's it! Because non-celebrity moms just sit on their fat baby-weight asses eating cake, right? Or: "I followed a strict diet of organic vegetables." Because we all have time and money to go to farmer's markets every other day and eat really healthy, sensible, balanced meals.

Let's be real...celebrities lose weight fast because it is their JOB to look good. They don't have to look good AND work at a bank, or look good AND be a lawyer. And they have MONEY, so they can afford to have a housekeeper, a personal chef, a personal trainer, a nanny, and anyone else to make their lives easier. If the rest of us could hire help, we could spend less time washing clothes with baby vomit on them and more time at the gym.

Insinuating that celebrities deserve some big kudos for losing baby weight quickly is irritating as hell. It also makes normal, non-rich people feel like crap about themselves because they are so overwhelmed with all of their responsibilities (for which they have little, if any, help), that they aren't able to focus a ton of time on their appearance. And then other people judge them...if Jessica Alba can do it, why can't YOU?

So yeah...I am just not that impressed by celebrity post-baby bodies. I've never actually given birth, but I suspect I will NOT be wearing a bikini a few weeks after I finally do pop one out. And I won't feel bad about it. In fact, I look FORWARD to it. I mean, how often can you carry around some extra weight and actually have a good excuse?? Pass me the cake!

Global Warming Deniers

2008-09-23T19:39:00.000-07:00

The other day I had to delete one of my Facebook "friends" after the convenient Notifications feed informed me she had recently joined a group called Against the Global Warming Myth. There is no way, no how that I will associate myself with someone who denies the truth that is global warming. She was just some random high school acquaintance, anyway, so no big loss. But it sure did make me MAD.

It ab-so-lute-ly BAFFLES me when people deny global warming. "It's not that the earth isn't getting warmer," they say, "but it's just that human activity isn't contributing to it." They point to historical trends of heating and cooling, and say that these cycles are normal. They then say that they don't support pollution and do support alternative energy...um, okay...but then what's your problem with the global warming theory??

I really, really don't understand the logic. What is so deeply offensive about the notion that our actions have an impact on the planet? What in the world (no pun intended) do you gain by insisting that no matter how wasteful you are, no matter how many toxic fumes you emit, it is in no way your fault or responsibility that average temperatures are getting higher and polar bears are dying? I mean, other than wanting to justify your need to be wasteful and intense desire to pollute...WHAT is your PROBLEM??

They say it's all some BIG conspiracy concocted by scientists to scare us all into action. Oh NO! GOD forbid we all start being more responsible!! Terrorist threats are nothing compared to the disgusting lies these so-called scientists are feeding us to trick us into caring about cleaner/alternative fuel sources and preserving nature. How can these scientists SLEEP at night, knowing the deplorable propaganda they are perpetuating??

Okay, sarcasm aside...what's funny is that they criticism the scientists who tout the "global warming myth," but then point to scientific trends of heating and cooling cycles. Oh, I see...science is good if YOU say it is. That's some solid logic right there.

And forgive me if I'm wrong, but it seems that the Global Warming Deniers are often affiliated with the Christian religion. There's another thing I do not at all understand. Oil companies, corporations...I understand why they would deny global warming. But Christians? I mean, I grew up having to study the Bible...I'm not ignorant about the religion. I just don't see how God would be opposed to the notion that human activity is destroying the Earth He created. The Bible doesn't say to rape and pillage the planet in one big wasteful orgy. Seriously...I'm incredulous. I really wish someone would explain to me why the FACTUALLY SOUND phenomenon known as global warming is so offensive to Christianity (and others).

So yeah...Global Warming Deniers DRIVE ME NUTS. Because it is not only ignorant and selfish, but it is extremely dangerous and frightening. I am deeply scared by such ideology, especially now that there's an actual chance that a Global Warming Denier will end up in the White House. That's a lot more difficult to erase than a Facebook contact.

Pointing Out the Obvious

2008-09-17T20:02:00.000-07:00

Alright, so it drives me CRAZY when people point out the obvious. First of all, because, well, it's OBVIOUS. But secondly, because they usually do it in a way that suggests they don't KNOW it's obvious, but that they are saying something you REALLY need to know. As if they are imparting some great wisdom on you. Which is super condescending, because it assumes you were too dumb to think of it or know it yourself.

Let me give you an example: When I was applying to law school, people would frequently say "law school costs a lot of money, you know." OH...it DOES??? I thought it was FREE?? I mean, I didn't actually do any research into the costs of attending law school, I just applied without ANY knowledge of my financial responsibilities! Thank you SO much, Pointer-Outer of the Obvious!

Or like the time my phone company sent me a letter saying I didn't pay my bill, but I had paid it, and I had proof of said payment. My friend says to me, "you really should call your phone company and tell them you already paid it." BRILLIANT! That is what I should do! Thank GOODNESS you told me, because otherwise I would have just paid it twice, or sat here confused, banging my head on my desk. I hadn't ever thought to CALL them and TELL them. Whew! Disaster averted.

Okay, so I'm kind of a sarcastic jerk. But do people think before they speak? OBVIOUSLY I know that law school costs a lot of money, and obviously I'm going to call my phone company when they bill me in error. It ain't rocket science. It's like saying George W. is a moron, or Sarah Palin is a terrifying prospect to be VP...who doesn't know that??? (Sadly, apparently the midwest and much of the South...come on, people! Vote Obama!!!)

I suppose that people want to feel relevant, and their pointing out the obvious might stem from a good place...they want to be helpful, or want to engage in the conversation with you. And perhaps they have to state the obvious because they don't know much about the topic themselves. So I suppose I can be a bit more gracious in the future.

But for those people who aren't pointing out the obvious with good intentions -- those people who are actually condescending, and treat me like I'm a moron, and act all superior for no good reason -- the next time you point out the obvious, I may just have to point out the obvious in return...that you're an asshole.

Dogs That Bark in the Night

2008-09-13T22:35:00.000-07:00

There is a woman who lives next to me who has a dog named Rodney. I have never actually met the woman who lives next to me, nor have I ever met her dog. How do I know there is a woman who lives next to me who has a dog named Rodney? Because almost every day, I hear "yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip" then "RODNEY!!!" then "yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip" then "RODNEY! SHUT UP, RODNEY!! then "yip-yip-yip-yip-yip" then "YOU SHUT UP NOW, RODNEY!!" I don't know which is more irritating...Rodney's incessant yipping, or his owner's shrill attempts to shut him up. Does she think Rodney can actually understand her? And if Rodney's every yip annoys the ever-loving crap out of her, then why own a dog in the first place?

But at least she tries to shut Rodney up. And to be fair, Rodney's barking usually stops before 10 p.m. There is nothing worse than a barking dog in the middle of the night. You are just about to fall asleep, or maybe you just fell asleep...and then the dog starts barking. And it's never for a short period of time...the dog will bark for no less than 3o minutes. And it's never a yippy dog, like Rodney. It's a dog with a deep bark that penetrates even the soundest of slumbers. The dog wakes up everyone in the neighborhood, except (conveniently) it's owner. The owner seems to be immune, as he or she does nothing to shut the dog up. They don't get out of bed. They don't yell at the dog to be quiet (like my darling neighbor). They don't bring the dog inside to sleep. They leave the dog outside to bark its irritating heart out.

Years ago, I was an elementary school teacher. During my first year of teaching, I not only had to adjust to being out the door by 6:30 a.m., but I also had no idea what I was doing. I would come home beaten and bruised by another rough day, with sleep my only refuge. At about 11 p.m. the dog next door would start at it. Then again at 2 a.m. Then again at 4. Every night, without fail. The owners never did a damn thing about it. The barking almost drove me over the edge. I had fantasies of buying a gun and shooting it in the middle of the night. And no, I am not an animal hater...but it was like some type of psychological torture. Repetitive, obnoxious, sleep-depriving, cacophonous torture. I also thought about filing a complaint with the city, but I decided to move instead. My life was much better in my far-better-insulated apartment.

What I don't understand about these nocturnal barkers is what the hell is going on with their owners?? Teach your dog not to bark all night! Or get up when it barks and stop it somehow. Or make it sleep inside. Or if none of these things work, don't have a dog...you don't deserve one. Some of us are able to control our pets, or some of us choose to not have pets because we don't feel like waking up in the middle of the night, every single night. And yet these incompetent, selfish pet-owners expose their neighbors to the worst part of dog-owning without any of the benefits. Why don't you just let your dog pee on my carpets while you're at it?

Dogs deserve a home where their owner cares enough to do what it takes to keep them from barking all night long. And those of us within earshot deserve an uninterrupted night of sleep. The world is a much nicer, more peaceful place when people are well rested. I mean, I haven't had gun-owning fantasies since I moved away from the barking dog from hell. (Although now I'm having nightmares about gun-owning VP's...sigh...)

Bad Air Travel Behavior and the Not So Friendly Skies

2008-09-01T15:21:00.001-07:00

Last week I had to fly from San Francisco to Baltimore and back. That is four flights in all, about 8 hours each way. Now, as much as I could go on and on about the problems with commercial airlines, that is not what this post is about. I will not complain about how the airline charged me not only to book the ticket, but to check a bag, and even to CHOOSE my seat ahead of time (and yes, middle seats cost the same as window and aisle seats). Not to mention the airline no longer carries pillows or blankets and did NOT show a movie on the 5-hour leg, nor was any food available for purchase. No, my friends...this post is about my fellow air travelers and how they are rude, selfish, and clueless. As if being crammed into a stuffy germ box for hours on end wasn't bad enough...

Bad Air Travel Behavior #1: Boarding the Plane

We've all been there...the gate person announces Zone 5 can board, and there is a mad dash amongst Zone 5 ticket holders to be the first in line. They all hover around the gate, waiting for the announcement, chomping at the bit. Apparently, it's really important to be first on the plane so you can spend the most possible time on the oh-so-comfortable plane and fully enjoy your lack of legroom. I mean, the only legitimate reason for this jumping of the gun might be if you are worried there will not be enough room in the overhead compartment for your luggage. But I swear, there is ALWAYS enough room for overhead stowage. They find a way to make your crap fit. So if that is your only reason, then you don't have a leg to stand on.

So the gate person calls Zone 5, and I casually stroll into line, so as not to be trampled by the rush. Some guy decides that he absolutely MUST get onto the plane before me, despite the fact that I got into line first. He devises this tricky plan. Instead of standing BEHIND me, he stands NEXT to me. Then every time the line moves, he takes a tiny step in front of me. When it is time to hand over your ticket, he steps right in front of me and boards first. Smooth move, buddy. For no discernable reason whatsoever, you successfully cut off the passenger who got in line first so that you could be in your seat 3 seconds earlier...you WIN.

Bad Air Travel Behavior #2: On the Plane

Okay, so a 5-hour flight is a long time to sit in silence. Sometimes you might want to strike up a conversation with your neighbor. I have met some delightful people on long flights, including this reporter for the L.A. Times several years ago who recommended some amazing books to me and pointed out that John Edwards was in first class. But sometimes I want to just be left the hell alone. Like last night. I had a really good book and I was really into it, and I did not want to chat.

Guy next to me wasn't down with that. He kept talking to me. He offered me half of his salad. Um...no thanks. He asked me where I was going. He asked me what I did for a living. He offered me a ride home from the airport (even though I told him my boyfriend was picking me up). He tried to carry my bag off the plane. Now, I know he was trying to be nice...but read the social cues, buddy! I was giving you one-word, curt responses and continually looking back to my book. Message: I don't want to chat!! And it's not like I can change seats or get off the plane. So when people are annoying, or worse, creepy, you're a captive audience. You are at their mercy. It's just not fair. I wish there were divider screens, like in limos. Or you should be able to hit your call button and say, "excuse me, Flight Attendant...can you please bring this passenger a clue? Or a muzzle?"

Bad Air Travel Behavior #3: Getting Off the Plane

I've always been amused at how the second the fasten seatbelt sign turns off when you are parked at the gate, everyone stands up. It sucks if you have to go to the bathroom...good luck getting through the aisle. Anyway, it is common knowledge that people de-plane from the front to the back. Each aisle disembarks, and then the next aisle, and so on. It's not that difficult a concept.

WELL...on one of my flights to Baltimore and one of my flights back, rude passengers flagrantly disregarded this standard practice. People from the very back of the plane rudely pushed their way up the aisle, cutting off the people who were entitled to get off the plane first. The woman behind me, for example, bullied her way just far enough in front of me so I couldn't stand up and get my bag. And of course, it worked...she got off the plane before me...giving herself a 1-second advantage over me with her rudeness. Total crap. You let the people in front of you get off first, THEN you get off. You don't flout the rules for your own convenience.

In sum, I love how everyone thinks their time is more important than everyone else's. It's especially amusing because such rudeness doesn't even have a very big payoff. Maybe airlines are also charging extra for courtesy. I mean, if I have to pay to choose my seat in advance, a surcharge for a well-behaved neighbor might not be so far-fetched.

Miserable People: Part 2

2008-08-28T15:24:00.001-07:00

My sister just got out of the hospital. In the past two weeks, she had been in 5 hospitals in 3 countries. She had surgery every day for the last 3 days. She is fine now, but things were pretty scary for a while there. I flew out from the west coast to be with her in the hospital. Now that she is okay, we are all QUITE relieved.

Today, the DAY after she was released from Johns Hopkins, we got some coffee at a crowded Panera Bread. We were extra happy, being that she is no longer in a hospital bed and I am no longer scared my sister is going to die. We are chatting and giggling away...when suddenly this nasty old woman gets up from the booth next to us, walks over, and starts yelling at us. She says, "I'm sorry, it's not my business, but you two are talking loudly, like you are on a cell phone. I can hear everything you are saying." She did NOT say it nicely. She scowled and scolded. Then she walked away. Multiple people looked at us like, did she REALLY just do that to you??? As soon as she sat down, I could hear every word she said. I could hear what most people were saying. It is a RESTAURANT. Not a library. People TALK in public restaurants.

This woman was clearly just a miserable person. If she really heard every word we were saying, then she would have heard us saying "You are so lucky the pulmonary embolism didn't kill you," and "I can't believe they had to operate on you for 3 straight days." Or if we truly were being excessively loud, then perhaps she could have politely asked us to be quieter. It's not like we were trying to be rude. We were celebrating life and sisterhood and togetherness. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe our joy was offensive to her Grinch-like demeanor.

My point is this...if you hate people and happiness, then STAY AT HOME. Misery has no place at Panera Bread.

Overly Aggressive Sales Persons

2008-08-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

First of all...I'm BAAAAAAAAACK. I got caught up in the stressful countdown to the bar exam, and then once I slew that beast I had no more mental acuity left to be the competent blogger my readers deserve. I apologize for the stall-out. I foresee no other such stalls in the near future.

Okay, so right after the bar I headed off to Minneapolis for a wedding. It being my first time in the land of ten thousand lakes, I of COURSE had to go to the Mall of America, our nation's biggest, and arguably greatest mall. It was just as I had hoped...an amusement park in the middle (and not just a wimpy carousel...REAL intense rides that could force you to give back the fried foods you had gorged on in one of the many, many food courts), a whole Lego-land area, every store you can imagine, movies, clubs, etc. The best part was the people watching. We saw some of the best mullets I have ever seen, including a braided mullet. It was a BEAUTY.

Of course such a mall is filled with a sea of kiosks selling random crap you would never need in a million years. While Mike (my gentleman friend) was in a store, I foolishly decided to wait outside. No sooner did I cross my arms and assume a stationary stance did a man with a thick accent come rushing over. "May I ask you a question?" he says. Before I can answer, he says, "you are bee-yoo-tee-ful, but I can make you bee-yoo-tee-fuller." Hmmm...not actually a question, is it? Before I can even object he plunks me into a chair and starts running his fingers through my hair. I mean, that just wasn't fair. When someone touches my hair I slip into a coma and am powerless to resist. The next thing I know he is clipping hair extensions onto my skull. Many, many hair extensions.

What is amusing is that I have pretty thick hair. And it's not that short, either. I'm not exactly the prime candidate for hair extensions. As Mike put it, "trying to sell you hair extensions is like trying to push a boob job on someone with double D's." But the guy tried pretty damn hard, telling me it was 100% human hair, had a 5-year guarantee, and could be washed, cut, and dyed. He even pulled out a curling iron and adorned my noggin with several ringlets. By the time Mike came out and saw me, I looked like a show girl. All I needed was some sequins and tassels. But I was too amused to be mad.

Of course he waited until the very end to hit me with the price...a cool $530. I laughed out loud. I was like, dude, I owe the government $150K...I don't have $530, and if I did, it would not go to cheesy ass hair extensions that make me look like a high-class hooker at best. Does homeboy take it gracefully? Of course not. He actually got MAD. He was super pissy, as though I had taken advantage of him and wasted his time. Buddy...YOU grabbed me. YOU did not ask if I wanted you to put $530 worth of crap in my hair. YOU did not ask if I wanted you to then curl it. You didn't give me the price up front, I never showed interest...I felt like he had bought me a lobster dinner I didn't ask for and then expected me to put out. Sorry, my European friend...it didn't work in high school and it ain't gonna work now.

We've all been assaulted by someone pushing some product. Whether it be someone who wants you to try their lotion or taste their food samples...they force you to give in to their intense pressure and then act all wounded and insulted if you reject them. I once asked a woman at Bloomingdale's if they carried ONE certain type of perfume and the next thing I knew she AND her colleague were presenting me with 6 different boxed sets of perfumes and asking me which one I wanted. Um...NONE. I just was curious about ONE perfume. Quit with your product pushing, you wolves!

Us shoppers are timid creatures. We scare easy. We enter stores like little rabbits, sniffing the air for danger. Don't come bounding toward us with your fangs bared. I mean, I run away at the first hint of a pushy sales person. And it's their loss, because I might have otherwise bought something. I know you get commission and crap, but back off already! If I want your help, I'll freaking ask for it. A simple "can I help you with anything" will suffice. Shopping is not a contact sport!

And besides, don't these sales people know that no one likes an overeager suitor? Someone needs to give them a copy of The Rules...

Environmental Petition Bullies

2008-07-13T19:02:00.000-07:00

For Taylor

You're walking down the street. You're probably pretty busy. You reach an intersection and wait for the light to change. You are then approached by someone with a clipboard. They want to talk to you about the environment. They only want "a moment of your time." They approach you with a comment such as, "Do you care about the earth?" Suggesting that if you do not stop and talk to them, you do not care about the earth. If you politely decline, they do not leave it at that. They press on, becoming more and more insistent that either you sign the petition, or you are personally responsible for the demise of baby polar bears in the North Pole. Poor little polar bears...

The light changes. If you are fortunate enough to get past this bully with a clipboard, you cross the street...and are confronting with yet ANOTHER bully with a clipboard. He or she is wearing a matching t-shirt. You look around...there is a bully with a clipboard at EVERY corner. You are surrounded! You are powerless to evade them. No matter which direction you approach the intersection from...be prepared for the inevitable clipboard in your face, threats of Armageddon if you don't stop to sign it, and precious minutes of your life irretrievably gone.

Don't get me wrong...I love the environment. I recycle. I try to conserve water. I walk or take public transportation whenever possible. I bring reusable bags to grocery store. But forgive me if I don't feel like talking to some peppy, privileged, self-important punk with a useless petition who is aggressive to the point of rude and utilizes guilt and blame to accomplish his or her purposes. How do they know I didn't sign the petition some other time? How do they know what kind of a person I am? Why do they feel entitled to tell me how and when I should contribute to environmental issues? And why is their time more important than my time?

If I want to hear about your cause, I'll stop and ask. Solicit my attention politely, and leave me the hell alone if I don't give it to you. And I don't have concrete data to back this up, but I'm pretty sure those hours spent harrassing passers-by could be far more effectively spent doing something like picking up trash. Or better yet, round up all your fellow petitioners, pack a few suitcases full of matching t-shirts, hop on a boat to the North Pole, and go live with the polar bears. Permanently.

"Nice Day" Peer Pressure

2008-07-09T12:22:00.000-07:00

I can't even count how many times this has happened to me...I'm talking to someone on the phone or online or what not, and they ask what I'm doing, and I say "I'm watching tv" or "I'm resting" or I'm engaged in some other indoor activity. They then get all indignant and say: "HOW can you be inside? It's SUCH a nice day outside!!!"

This annoys the crap out of me for several reasons. First of all, I live in California. 90% of the time it is SUCH a nice day outside. It is usually sunny and clear and mild up here in the Bay Area. So by the logic of "it's a nice day so you should not be inside," I should spend 90% of my time outside? People...if I miss one nice day by staying inside, then I'm pretty sure there will be another nice day to enjoy in the NEAR future.

Secondly, why do I have to be outside to enjoy the nice day? I can see the sunshine and blue sky out my very large windows whilst sitting on the couch. I don't need to actually go out my door to enjoy that it is nice outside. I love the sunlight coming through my giant windows. Sometimes it reflects off the tv. It's very lovely.

Third, what is SO bad about being inside? I work pretty damn hard. I deserve some down time. I get to watch an episode of The Wire during a nice day if I want. I can take a nap during peak sunshine times if it pleases me. It's really no one's business. I'll go outside and bask in the sunshine when I choose to...not out of guilt that I am somehow harming myself, others, and the world at large by failing to enjoy the gifts Mother Nature has bestowed upon me.

And besides...sunshine creates sun damage which leads to skin cancer and wrinkles. And there are bugs outside that bite. And I can't take a nap outside without risking some sort of assault. And it can get too hot, and then you're all sweaty. Don't get me wrong...I love the outdoors. I love hiking, I love going running, I love love love the beach...but I love the outdoors on MY terms. And why that is anyone's business is beyond me.

So in the future, you enjoy nice weather your way, and leave me the $@&* alone to enjoy it my way. And when you ask me HOW I could possibly stay inside on SUCH a nice day...I'll say "like this" and then I'll lie down and go ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ... (though I might kick you in the shins first).

Poor Seat Etiquette

2008-07-07T12:14:00.001-07:00

I am currently studying for the bar. There are about 300 people in the auditorium. Like most people, I arrived 10-15 minutes early for the first few weeks to secure the seat of my choosing. I am fully aware that absent a seating chart, no one may stake a claim to a seat indefinitely. However, MOST people in the room sit in approximately the same place every day. Due to the highly stressful nature of the bar, schedule and routine are one of the few things you can control, and thus one of the few sources of comfort during this hellish time.

I sit on the end because I am a person who drinks a lot of coffee and sometimes needs to use the restroom in the middle of class. I also have mild claustrophobia and like the security of the end seat. End seats are popular, so I make sure to get to class early enough to secure this coveted spot. I have sit in the exact same seat for about 6 weeks. Our bar lectures are about 3.5 hours, and there are two 10-minute breaks.

Today when I came back to my seat after the first break, someone was sitting in it. I was of course taken aback. Not only have I sat there for the entire summer, but I had been sitting there all morning. I said, "excuse me, I was sitting there." This person just looked at me and said, "I didn't know that." Despite the fact that my things were there. She did NOT move. I had to gather all of my things and move.

So I ask...WHO steals someone's seat? Who changes a seat in the middle of lecture? Who doesn't move once she finds out that someone was already sitting there? A big, big jerk, that's who. A very rude, inconsiderate, selfish person. I'm not saying I deserve any one seat any more than another person...but I got there first. And sat there for a substantial portion of the day. What more need I do? NOT take a break? Place a reserved sign on it? Write my name on it? Hire a seat filler?

The bar is stressful enough. You don't need childish seat-stealing making it worse. Common courtesy...that's all I'm saying...

Facebook Abuse

2008-07-04T14:29:00.000-07:00

I fully admit that I am a lover of Facebook. I am on there at least once a day. Usually I'm playing Word Twist or Scramble. Facebook is addictive. It's hard to avoid getting sucked in and devoting several hours of your life to the Facebook gods. However, there is such a thing as excessively unreasonable Facebook use.

There are tell-tale signs if you are a Facebook abuser. Sign #1: You change your status message every time you do something. Joe is watching a movie. Joe is blowing his nose. Joe just went to the bathroom. Joe is about to eat dinner. Joe just ate dinner. I mean, really? You really take the time multiple times throughout the day to update your FACEBOOK STATUS MESSAGE?? REALLY?

Sign #2: You post new pictures of yourself multiple times a day, and/or you comment on your own photos. Facebook is a veritable Disneyland for narcissists. They post hundreds of pictures of themselves where they think they look just devastatingly amazing, and think there is actually another human being out there who takes the time to look at all of their pictures. They must think they are so unbelievably attractive that they are doing us all a service by sharing their beauty with the Facebook community. Um...yeah...we don't think you're as attractive as you think you are...and we think you're pretty vain.

Sign #3: You send out application requests on a daily basis to everyone you are friends with, regardless of whether you actually have regular contact with these people or if you actually know them. Stop with the indiscriminate application sending! You lose all credibility. You're the Facebook user who cried wolf. Someday you'll send something ridiculously important and everyone will ignore it. Happy now?

My policy is to delete anyone who does any of the above things. Because it is just really irritating. If you do one or more of the above things, then it's time to take a step back and assess your priorities. Would you rather live in a virtual world or the real world? And if the answer isn't clear to you...then I guess there's nothing I can do but un-Facebook-friend you. So long, obnoxious Facebook abuser...so long...

Saving Parking Spaces

2008-07-02T13:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday on a very busy road, a woman got out of a car to stand in a coveted open parking space. She stood in it until the car she was riding in was able to turn around, come back, and snag the spot. I find this behavior to be UNACCEPTABLE under MOST circumstances.

You can't save a parking spot by standing in it or by putting something in it, like a cone or a chair. MAYBE, and only maybe, this might be okay if you're moving and need to be right out front, or some other emergency. But otherwise, street parking is first come, first serve, especially in hard-to-park areas. And by that I mean first CAR that comes, not first person to stand in the spot. A car ready to park deserves a spot more than a car that has not yet arrived. It's that simple.

I was at IKEA once and wanted to pull into one of the 5-minute loading spaces. There was one open. My roommate was standing on the curb with huge boxes. Some stupid woman was standing in the spot saving it for her husband. I tried to pull in and the woman yelled at me. I was like, my friend is RIGHT there, with boxes. Your husband is still pulling out of the freaking garage. TOO BAD. And what the hell? They are 5-minute spaces! At MOST she would have had to wait 5-minutes for a new space. By the time we were done arguing and she still wouldn't move, I could have pulled in, loaded our stuff, and left before her dumb husband ever showed up. Why on earth did this woman feel entitled to a spot for her future needs over someone who is immediately there and ready? I have no idea. That woman is many, many bad things that require expletives.

So if you see an open space and you can't quite get to it, sorry...it's crappy luck, but it's the way it goes. Barring exceptional circumstances, you have to move on and accept that the first car there gets the spot. You don't deserve it more just because you SEE it first (and how do you even know you saw it first??). And if you're the person physically standing there to save the space...don't expect any sympathy if someone tries to run you over. You assume that risk when you do such a jerkface thing.

Personal Space Invaders

2008-06-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

I loves me my personal space. Excessively so. It even took me a while to accept that many of my friends wish to hug hello and goodbye. Maybe I wasn't held enough as a child, who knows. My family isn't super "touchy," and I'm okay with that. So you can imagine my complete aversion to invasion of my personal space by complete and total strangers.

I understand that sometimes this is unavoidable. Like, it is understandable when you have to touch strangers on busy buses or subways, or at dance clubs, or in mosh pits. (Note: I have never, nor will I ever, voluntarily enter a mosh pit.) In these circumstances, I am willing to cede some territory to the enemy...within reason. What drives me crazy is when strangers invade my personal space when there is ample available room for them to inhabit without needing to offend my person with unnecessary touching.

For example, the other day I was waiting in line to get ice cream. A loud and obnoxious group of girls was behind me. I'm not sure if they were drunk, but they kept moving around, bumping into me in the process. I got hit with at least three purses and two rear ends. There was no one behind them in line, so why couldn't they continue their spastic conversation at least a foot outside of my range? Then they could flail about without disturbing others. Seeing as how I am studying for the bar, they are lucky their egregious touching didn't result in me erupting and spewing some stress-induced crazy all over them. But somehow I managed to contain myself.

Another time I was on the BART, and this quite large woman got on and stood in such a way as to literally paste me to the wall. I was actually on my tip-toes, unable to put my arms down. Said woman seemed to be completely unaware that she had put me in this awkward position. Again, there was PLENTY of room for her to stand in such a way that did not reduce me to a pancake stuck to the nasty BART wall. Yet, she just stood there. Finally some benevolent man grabbed my arm, pulled me out of my misery ,and gave me his seat. God bless that man, wherever he is.

I just don't understand it. If there is an open space, don't stand RIGHT next to me. If you don't have to, then DO NOT touch me. I have hopes that someday someone will invent a device that emits an invisible force field that will zap people who come within 3 inches of you. You can program it so that friends and loved ones don't get zapped. It will be fabulous. Until then, keep your appendages to yourself, please, and remember, nature abhors a vacuum. Fill that empty space, already!

Its-It's (and no, I don't mean the brand of delicious ice cream sandwich)

2008-06-18T20:09:00.000-07:00

The following spelling/grammar/usage mistakes drive me NUTS. When I was a teacher I drilled the rules into my students. I suspect teachers everywhere are drilling these rules into the young, formative minds of their students. And yet I encounter people making these mistakes multiple times, every day. And I'm not talking accidental typos because you're typing too fast. I'm talking people really honestly don't know the rules. ARRRGGHH! (There are many more common errors, but the list below are among the more ubiquitous and egregious.)

THEIR-THEY'RE-THERE

"Their" is a possessive pronoun, as in "That is THEIR house." Note the spelling t-h-e-i-r and not t-h-i-e-r.

"They're" is a contraction, as in the shortened form of "they are," as in "They're going to come over soon."

"There" is for all other uses. "Put it over there." "There is a person at the door."

IT'S-ITS

"It's" is a contraction, as in "it is," as in "It's raining."

"Its" is a possessive pronoun, as in "The dog chased its tail."

GOOD and WELL

When you perform satisfactorily, you say you "did WELL." You do not say you "did GOOD." You can say you "did a good job," using "good" as an adjective. But you do not use "good" as an adverb.

LOSE and LOOSE

If you do not have control of something, you LOSE it, as in "I will hold this tightly so that I do not LOSE it." Or if you do not win, you LOSE. You do not LOOSE a game.

If something is not tight, it is LOOSE, as in "I have to tie up my dog so it does not run LOOSE."

I'm sure I'll think of more...if you think of any, let me know!

Service Industry Employees Who Hate Their Jobs

2008-06-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

I used to be a waitress. Over the course of about 5 years, I worked at 3 different restaurants. I encountered really obnoxious customers who made lame jokes, and people who complained no matter what I did, and large parties who came in 10 minutes before closing and kept me there for hours on my $2/hour salary. But I did what I was paid to do...I smiled, I was friendly, I served them. Because it was my JOB. Sure, I had days where I was exhausted, or was having a terrible day. But it wasn't THEIR problem. My job was to serve them, and that is what I did.

Some people in the service industry so clearly HATE what they are doing that they are unable to hide their contempt and do their job. They act annoyed when you are seated in their section. They roll their eyes when you ask questions about the menu. They throw the bill at you and try to push you out of there. As though your existence in the restaurant is somehow a HUGE personal inconvenience to them. Recently I went to breakfast and was seated and smiled and said good morning to my waitress. She frowned and started complaining that she had too many tables. Yeah...not my fault. And now I'm uncomfortable and can't enjoy my meal. And it doesn't help that I'm a people pleaser who fears confrontation. All this drama and I just wanted pancakes and coffee.

Last I checked, restaurants are places where you go to order food and get it served to you. You even pay for this luxury, and if you're served well, you tip. So I don't need the attitude from my server when I am being polite and simply ordering a meal. I don't need to be made to feel uncomfortable or guilty that I am ruining my server's life. This is true for anyone whose job it is to serve: people who work at coffee shops, ice cream places, retail stores, etc. It is their JOB to help the customer. So why be a hater when a customer comes in and simply request that you perform the duties you are being paid to do??

Sometimes customers or patrons are pretty rude, I'll admit that. And if pushed, it is not entirely unreasonable for a service person to stand up for themselves rather than just sit there and take it. But there is something to the adage, "the customer is always right," especially when the customer hasn't done anything to make you mad.

If you hate serving people, then DON'T WORK IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY. If you can't take the heat, then don't have a job where you have to go back and forth from the kitchen. Go work somewhere where you don't have to interact with people and you can be as miserable as you want in your backroom or your cubicle. Or do what I did...go into the big walk-in freezer and swear really loudly before going back to your annoying table with a smile. I felt better, and my customers never knew how much I loathed them.

Filled-to-the-Rim Coffee Cups

2008-06-08T14:16:00.001-07:00

Last night I went to a cafe. I asked for a small coffee. The cafe lady asked, "would you like room for cream?" I said, "yes, please." She gave me a cup of coffee filled to the rim.

This ALWAYS happens. Rarely, if ever, does any coffee pourer give you enough room for cream. They maybe give you room for like, a drop or two, IF you want to fill it to the point of spilling. And if that is their default position on an acceptable fill line, then fine, so be it. But if you bother to ASK me, "would you like room for cream," then why don't you actually leave me room for cream???

Recently I tried a new approach. I answered, "yes, please, lots." I thought the addition of "lots" might get me another centimeter or two of room. Nope. Still filled to the rim.

Perhaps these coffee-pouring renegades figure it is better to give me too much instead of not enough. And to be fair, I'm sure there are a bunch of people who complain if their coffee cup isn't sufficiently full. But if you ASK me if I want room, I am giving you license to in fact, give me room. And I will take responsibility for my own disappointment if I don't get enough. Otherwise, I end up dumping some of it into a nearby bus bucket, or if none if available, then into the trash. That makes me feel badly for the person who has to empty the trash. And it generally makes me feel bad to waste an inch of coffee every time I order. Sigh.

One last point on the topic...usually I am ordering coffee because I have not yet had coffee that day. My roommate and boyfriend can attest, you don't want to mess with me before I've had my first cup of the day. So fair warning to you barristas out there...if you ask me if I want room and then don't give it to me, I may not be responsible for my subsequent actions.

Sick People Unnecessarily Out in Public

2008-06-04T17:22:00.000-07:00

I am in the middle of studying for the bar. It is obviously stressful, and I am aware that the stress is making me even more prone to irritation than usual. But today I was studying at a coffee shop, and the girl sitting next to me was hacking up a lung and loudly blowing her nose...repeatedly. She was clearly quite sick. And yet, here she was out in public instead of in bed, coughing and blowing away.

WHY do sick people go out into public when they don't NEED to? This girl was with a friend and they were chit-chatting the whole time (quite loudly, but that's beside the point), so obviously she wasn't under some pressing deadline to get something done. So what gives? Last semester during finals the same thing happened...this girl was in the cafe at the law school reading a book, and she had the most horrific sounding cough. I could not figure out WHY was she in a crowded cafe??

Okay, maybe you have work to do. But you are in a CAFE...it is not quiet and there are many distractions. So study at home! Or if for some reason home is even more distracting and/or impossible to work in, then go somewhere less crowded. Otherwise, you're exposing everyone in your vicinity to your infectious germs. Not only is it distracting to have to hear these people coughing, sneezing, and blowing their nose incessantly, but it actually puts the rest of us at risk of getting sick. How unbelievably selfish is that? I understand if you have a final that you can't reschedule, or you can't miss a day of work, or you have a necessary appointment, or you need to go to a store for something...but studying in a crowded, busy place does not strike me as particularly necessary, given the risks to the innocent bystanders around you.

As a related note, I also don't understand the super-loud, honking nose blow. I can blow my nose quite effectively most of the time without sounding like a tortured goose. And if I can't, I excuse myself to the restroom. I believe that's what is known as common courteousy.

So in conclusion, if you are sick and you must be out in public because you will get fired or fail out of school or some other catastrophe will ensue, then you are exempt from these criticisms. But if you are sick and you could be home but you decided to come to a crowded place anyway and spread your disease...then shame on you, you big selfish jerk. You owe me a bottle of Nyquil.

Crotch Rockets

2008-05-30T19:34:00.000-07:00

I was walking home today, and some guy sped by on a crotch rocket going quite fast. It was SOOOOOO loud that it actually hurt my ears. Is there really a need to drive your motorcycle in such a way as to inflict physical pain on others? Jackass.

I could go on, but I feel the obnoxiousness of the crotch rocket is so obvious that it needs no further explanation.

Automatic Toilets/Faucets/Hand Dryers

2008-05-29T23:51:00.000-07:00

I hate automatic things in the bathroom. They seem to always do the exact opposite of what you want them to. The toilet, for instance, likes to flush while I am sitting on it. And yet, when I stand up and actually want it to flush, it does not. How disgusting for the toilet to flush while you are on it, as you inevitability get splashed with some toilet water that is composed of part water and part GOD KNOWS what else. EW. And how disgusting to leave a toilet unflushed. See? Automatic toilet is crap (pun intended). Give us the manual flusher back and we'll continue to flush it with our foot and everyone's happy.

Same with the automatic faucet. You sit there and wave your hand under it. Nothing happens. You keep waving. Nothing. And there is no alternative method of initiating water flow. So you sit there and keep waving like an idiot and hope that you can engage in sanitary hygiene practices like washing your hands after using a stupid toilet that flushed on you.

If you are lucky enough to be able to wash your hands, then you are faced with the automatic dryer, or the new-fangled automatic paper towel dispenser. You wave and wave and no hot air starts blowing or no paper towel comes out. And now you're waving with wet hands, which start dripping all down your arms and soaking your sleeves. Often you give up and just wipe your hands on your pants. Now those are wet, too.

So let's recap: You just wanted to use the facilities. Now you've had nasty toilet water spewed on you, you may not have been able to wash your hands, and your sleeves and/or pants are all wet. All of this courtesy of a technology that is supposed to enable us to not have to touch anything in the bathroom. Hmmm...

P.S. These automatic annoyances are further evidence that machines are evil and intentionally mess with us. See previous post on (Evil) Automated Phone Operators.

Being Lax with the Laundry Room

2008-05-26T22:08:00.000-07:00

First of all, I apologize for the long delay in posting. Graduation was super busy, and then I got to unwind in Santa Barbara for a week. But I'm back, with many more things that drive me nuts.

Okay...so I live in an apartment building with one washing machine and one dryer. Though there are only seven units, there is a perpetual battle to get laundry done. In my busy schedule, I often find myself with a very small window of time to clean my clothes, and so when I bag it all up and carry it down to the basement, I'm hoping for the best. When the machine is going, then all's fair, someone got there first, I have to wait. But what is INTOLERABLE is when the machine is off and you're psyched, but when you open the washer or dryer, someone's clothes are just sitting there.

Now, I'm not saying anyone should have to sit down there and transfer their clothes the moment the machine stops. There is a grace period. But if you leave your crap down there for more than 20 minutes, you're a real pain in the butt. I'll leave and wait 15 minutes and come back. Stuff still there. Leave and come back, leave and come back...stuff still there. Where did the person go?? And are they EVER coming back? Do they think they are the only person who needs to clean their clothes? They're all, "I'll just throw my clothes in here and then go on vacation for a week." Jerks.

I think it's fair game to take someone's stuff out of the wash and stick it in the dryer if they don't show after 20 minutes. But then you know they'll show up at the last minute and start the dryer the second you're ready for it. So you have to wait AGAIN. If they don't show up, then you have to haul their crap back into the washer. It sucks.

And all the while, it's just awkward. I don't exactly like touching other people's clothes. And I'm sure they don't like me touching their clothes. I also live in fear of the moment that ensues when they show up in the middle of me moving their crap. AWKWARD. You're all, "hi...here's your underwear." Taking stuff out of the dryer is even trickier. It's okay to leave wet clothes in a pile in the dryer...but I don't want to leave someone's dry, clean clothes in a heap. So am I supposed to fold their stuff? It seems polite...but it takes forever and makes it even more likely that they will walk in while I'm handling their delicates. And why should they get nicely folded laundry? That's rewarding inconsiderate behavior. It's just a bad situation.

I long for the day when I have my own washer and dryer. When I don't have to wonder what kind of funky stuff someone is sticking in there, when I don't have to clean out a stranger's lint trap, and when I don't have to hoard quarters like they're gold. Alas, for now I must continue to rely on other people's laundry etiquette...and hold my breath while I handle my neighbors' unmentionables.

You Know What Does NOT Drive Me Nuts?

2008-05-12T22:18:00.000-07:00

Finishing my last law school final EVER. That does not drive me nuts ONE bit.

No more back-breaking case books. No more insanity-inducing finals. No more super competitive classmates. No more outlining. No more wacky grading system. No more rankings. No more 100-page reading assignments in one night.

Now all I need is a job. Lack of jobs for public interest lawyers DOES drive me nuts. Oh, and passing the bar would be nice...

Insensitive Gawkers Who Lack Compassion

2008-05-08T23:11:00.000-07:00

Today I walked out of The Gap (on Powell and Market) and walked right into the mob of people watching the man standing on the ledge about to jump. Once I realized what was going on, I stood there for a minute or two not knowing what to do. I was literally paralyzed at first and felt so ugly inside that I was standing there watching this poor guy. The people around me were laughing and making jokes such as, "He must have just gotten his hotel bill." (Turns out he was on the ledge of a loft apartment, not a hotel.) Other people kept saying he won't jump because if you stand there long enough for the cops to show up, you are just trying to get attention. And the cops did show up...LOTS of them. And firefighters and EMTs. A firefighter even climbed up to the top of the building...

ANYWAY, after about a minute of shock, I snapped out of it and thought, if this guy is having an internal struggle over whether to jump, then it's not something I need or want to see. And if he DOES actually jump, then it's DEFINITELY not something I need or want to see. How would you ever get that image out of your mind?? So I immediately left. A few minutes later he did jump. Tons of people took tons of pictures and I'm sure a video or two will pop up on YouTube (sadly).

I understand that people are fascinated with these things. I mean, I stood there dumbfounded for a minute or two before reason and compassion kicked in...we have some morbid fascination with staring at disasters. And I know that sometimes people make jokes when they are uncomfortable. But standing there with your cell phone open so you can take a picture of the jump? Posting these pics in the Internet? Filming it? Why, people...WHY??

I know the guy kind of voided his right to privacy by choosing such a public place to jump...but what are you going to do with the pics you took...show them to your buddies like they're something wicked cool? "Look dude, see the guy about to jump?!!! See him jumping??" Really poor taste, people. Really, really quite poor.

People Who Think They Know...But They Don't Know

2008-04-30T14:46:00.000-07:00

It should be a cardinal rule that if you do not have firsthand experience with something, you are not allowed to speak about the subject with authority. Many people are flagrant violators of this. They have read about something at great length, or heard about it or seen movies or programs about it, and they have talked about it, so they feel as though they have a valid opinion. But there is a difference between knowing about something in an abstract, academic way, and really knowing about it because you have lived it. Because there are some things you just can't know about unless you've been through them, and those people who speak all authoritatively about these things with their strong opinions are often useless, condescending, detached, and even ignorant.

There are so many examples of things you should not speak of if you have not been through them. This list includes, but is not limited to: getting married, having kids, being a member of a minority/underrepresented/oppressed group, and what it is like to have a certain job.

For example, some people say they will never have an epidural, and then judge people who do. "Oh, I can't believe those selfish women who drug their babies." If you've actually had a baby without drugs, then you've earned some street-cred. But otherwise, maybe hold your tongue untill you've squeezed out a kid sans meds.

Or maybe you're one of those people who says you'll never let your kids watch tv. But after hours of playing make-believe with Indiana Jones action figures and always being forced to be the bad guy, and you just don't know how many other times you can say, "I'm coming to get you, Indy!" and running around the room chasing a kid whose energy never dies, then Finding Nemo might become your best friend. God bless that little clown fish.

I've never had a child, but I have been an elementary school teacher. That's an area where people like to be super judgmental. People would always say that I had no right to complain about anything because I had summers off. I wish they understood that summer vacation is not a luxury, but a necessity. It takes at least 4 weeks for you to calm down and feel like a human being again instead of a burned-out zombie. A school year feels like an 8-month beating, and you need to recover and heal your wounds before another year (and another beating) begins. Another thing people like to criticize teachers for is how they use class time. Yeah, sometimes I did cop out and give them busy work or pop in a movie. Not often, but after a week where one kid was under his desk banging on it, and another went into the coat closet and refused to come out, and another was stabbing his hand with his pencil until he bled, I needed a freaking break. At least I showed them Charlotte's Web. I mean, it's totally literary. My basic point...if you've never taught, then you DON'T KNOW.

In law school there are all sorts of judge-y, inexperienced people. I know this one person who is on her third post-graduate degree. She has all these super critical opinions about practicing lawyers. She has never practiced. Not even a brief internship. In fact, I don't know if she has ever even had a job. All she does is study topics and write about them. It drives me NUTS. She lives in her pristene ivory tower of academia and has NO real-world experience, and yet she is harshly critical of all sorts of things. Super opinionated people with no real-world experience are the worst. They contribute nothing to society and yet stand back and constantly criticize the people who do.

True, there is value to an academic, detached approach. It can enhance real-life experiences and push critical thinking to a new level. And obviously I respect professors who publish their ideas and inspire thought and discussion. But it has to be combined with SOME kind of actual participation or contribution in the world. Or else you're just a critic with no authority. And your opinion means nothing to me.

In sum, if you are going to be a critic, make sure you know what you're talking about. And if you don't know what you're talking about, then be damn careful before you criticize and judge. Because it's morally superior and obnoxious. I conclude with the following easy-to-remember mantra: Don't hate...participate.

People Who Don't Knock

2008-04-28T13:55:00.000-07:00

I was just in the restroom at the coffee shop (yeah, that's right, coffee shop again) and someone starts trying to open the door. Um...where was the KNOCK? Door closed, light on...knock first! One of my biggest fears is that someone will walk in on me in the bathroom. What an awful, awkward, MORTIFYING experience. Yes, it has happened to me before...because some jerk just opened the door without knocking, and the lock didn't work. I'm sitting there doing my business and wanting to die of embarrassment. WHERE WAS THE KNOCK? That was like, six years ago, and clearly I am not over it.

I mean, don't we all know you cannot trust those shady pop-locks? You rely on the courtesy of others knocking before barging in on you. Not to mention that I already have issues with public restrooms and stage fright...when I hear the jarring sound of someone jiggling the door, it does NOT help that stage fright. I just don't get it...knock, THEN try the door. IT'S NOT THAT HARD!!!

Eavesdropping Strangers and Strange Conversations

2008-04-27T17:53:00.000-07:00

I'm a pretty talkative and social person. In fact, most would say I am TOO talkative. But one thing I do know is when to NOT eavesdrop on a stranger's conversation and then inject myself into it. Many people do not know this.

For example, the other day I was on the phone with my niece. She is 5. I was at Trader Joe's, but to be polite I stood outside until my conversation was over. My niece and I often get really silly when we chat, and as I was getting off the phone, I said, "Bye bye, Monkey Face." I then walked into TJ's. Some strange guy comes up to me, looking all serious-like, and says, "Who were you just talking to?" I should have told him, "None of your business, Nosey Parker," but I was startled and told him I was talking to my niece. Then he smiled and said, "Oh, that's fine, as long as you weren't talking to an adult." Well, Nosey Parker, for one thing, I wasn't talking to YOU. For another, I don't need you to approve whether I can call someone Monkey Face or not.

My friend Elana was shamed by a random stranger in a bathroom once. Elana was telling a friend about a baby shower gift she couldn't really use, and this woman basically told Elana that she should give her shower gifts to charity so people who really needed them could use them. What does this woman know about Elana? What business is it of hers? The answer is, none. It's none of her business.

Eavesdropping happens all the time. I guess people feel as though if you are conversing in their presence, then they have a right to weigh in on the conversation. If you're blabbing on your cell phone, then MAYBE I can see that logic. But if you're having a private A and B conversation with another party, then strangers should C their way out of it.

Okay, I'll admit, sometimes I eavesdrop and then inject myself into a conversation. Like yesterday, the cashier at the coffee shop was talking to a man about New Hampshire, and how she graduated from the University of New Hampshire. Well, I ALSO graduated from UNH, and you don't meet very many Wildcats out here in the Bay Area, so I said, "Excuse, me, I don't mean to interrupt, but I went to UNH, too!" And then we reminiscened about good old Durham, NH. I guess I felt that it was okay because I wasn't scolding or judging...I was relating! And once these two girls were debating whether one of them should buy a certain pair of shoes, and I interrupted to say that I thought they looked great. Because they did. And then I walked away and left them alone. So I suppose what I object to are people who are NOT being kind or helpful, or don't know when to walk away and leave you alone.

I also can't stand it when strangers come up to talk to you, unprovoked, and engage you in a bizarro conversation. Last week I was in line for the bathroom at a coffee shop (yes, I'm at coffee shops a lot these days...it's finals time!), and I'm just minding my own business. This random guy comes up to me and stands really close to me, and takes out a $5 bill and looks at me very seriously. He says, "Did you know that Lincoln was our only Buddhist president?" Now, I'm a big fan of my personal space, so I'm already uncomfortable. I'm like, uh, no, I didn't know that. And he says, "Yeah, he got shot in the temple." And he pointed to his temple. So now I'm like, oh...it was a joke. A bad, bad joke. But he's not smiling or laughing, and I'm not sure what my reaction is supposed to be, and why won't that person in the bathroom come out and save me??!! I just want to wait in line for the bathroom in peace...is that so much to ask for?

Anyway, my point is that people should mind their own business and/or not make complete strangers uncomfortable by engaging them in strange dialogue. It's fine to be friendly, it's fine to smile, and sometimes it's fine to eavesdrop/interrupt/engage a stranger if you're being nice or helpful. But let's leave the judgment, the chastisement, and the awkwardness out of it...we have families for that.

(Evil) Automated Phone Operators

2008-04-24T14:00:00.000-07:00

I am currently on the phone as I type this, waiting to talk to someone about my federal loans. My very large loans are about to go into repayment, and I need a forbearance. The first time I called the number, it said, "For English, press 1." I pressed "1" and nothing happened. I pressed it again...nothing happened. Then it said to hold for an operator. Then it hung up on me.

I called back. Pressing "1" actually worked this time. But then I went through an extensive list of options, none of which fit my particular need. And they rarely give you an option to speak to an actual person. Sometimes pressing "0" gets you to a living, breathing human, but not always.

The WORST is those numbers that use voice recognition technology. The other day I was trying to find the number for a restaurant called Nopa. I kept saying it: "Nopa Nopa Nopa" and it kept saying, "You have selected, Ethiopia." Another time I was trying to get a number for the restaurant "Pane e Vino." The results that came back were not even discernable. And again, no option for a human voice. When they FINALLY understood what I wanted, they said "Say 'yes' if this is correct." I said yes. It hung up on me. I think I called about 9 times before I got the number. But even though I got the number, my blood pressure had skyrocketed, I probably lost a few minutes off my life span, and I had a strong urge to commit an act of violence.

The worst of the worst of the worst is when you call a place, go through this myriad of menus, and then the person you finally speak to says they can't help you and passes you off to someone else who can't help you and then they send you back to the first place...and so on. Of course each of these people puts you on hold for a VERY long time, subjecting you to either Muzak or some recording that repeats itself ad nauseam to the point that you feel as though you are undergoing psychological torture. You're like, OKAY, I'LL TALK! Though you're not really sure what information you're supposed to give up.

I suppose these automated operators are intended to make our lives easier, but they cause the most frustrating experiences. You get hung up on, you can't get what you want, you can't get or give the information you need. Getting a restaurant phone number isn't that dire, but most of the time we call these number for serious reasons. For example, deferring loans you can't pay back, or reporting a fraudulent credit card transaction, or getting charged for a cancelled utility service. These things are stressful and important and usually urgent. But instead of getting where we need to go, we get passed around from menu to menu, trying desperately to get through to someone who doesn't understand our wants and needs...it's like a bad relationship you want to get out of. But sadly, we're at their mercy.

When I am dealing with automated voice operators, I feel like I'm in a science fiction short story where the machines all gain intelligence and go awry and overtake the humans. I swear the voice knows I'm looking for Nopa, but it gives me Ethiopia on purpose and then hangs up on me and sits around laughing with its other evil machine buddies. Oh yeah, evil machines? Well to quote Johnny 5 from Short Circuit, that gem of a movie from 1986 with Steve Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy: "Your mother was a snow blower!!!"

That Guy

2008-04-20T20:36:00.001-07:00

You know That Guy. We all know That Guy. Because unfortunately, That Guy is all over the place.

That Guy has a trust fund or comes from a wealthy family or received some other source of unearned affluence. Maybe That Guy had to have a part-time job growing up to pay for his social life or whatnot, but that guy has never had to honestly worry about money. Even if he is forced to pay his own way after college or grad school, he always knows he has the safety net of his family's wealth to fall back on.

Because That Guy has never had to worry about money, he gets to do all sorts of noble things with his time. He gets to travel to Asia for months and study meditation and yoga. He gets to go to Africa and help with HIV prevention. He gets to go to South America and learn about "real" poverty. Then he comes back to the United States and complains about how disgusting our country is with our consumer culture and how going to the grocery store was so overwhelming. But despite his hatred for our capitalist country, he stays here, presumedly so he can flout his moral superiority at every opportunity. He likes to make the rest of us feel bad because we have never taken time out of our lives to see the rest of the world and learn the deep and meaningful lessons that he has learned. He points out how privileged we are, and how we don't recognize it and we take it for granted. He will condemn you for complaining that you are in a lot of debt, or don't know if you can make your next rent payment on time, or how you racked up a huge credit card bill from an unexpected medical emergency. You're lucky to be a US citizen, so stop complaining about your frivolous problems, he'll say.

I'm so sorry, That Guy. I'm sorry that I don't recognize my privilege. I'm sorry that I had to pay my way through my own higher education and am so far in debt that I can't afford to buy a plane ticket to another country or take time off work so I can see what you have seen. If only my parents paid for my rent or helped me with school then maybe I could have even a fraction of the deep insight that you have.

One thing That Guy will never do is denounce his family's money or give up the trust fund and try to go it alone. But he will continue to judge others and get onto his soapbox of moral superiority whenever he can so he can look down on the rest of us for being so spoiled and not recognizing how privileged we are. It must be so hard to be That Guy. Self-righteousness is so lonely...

P.S. From http://www.urbandictionary.com/:

Trustafarian: privileged white kids who subscribe to the hippie lifestyle (because they can) since they have no worries about money, a job etc. They can then devote their lives to eating organic, following Phish, and wearing dreadlocks (no need for job interviews).

"Frenemies"

2008-04-16T12:50:00.001-07:00

Yes, I'm stealing a term from Sex and the City, Season 3. Frenemies are people who purport to be your friend, but take any and all opportunities to insult you, put you down, or make you feel like garbage. These people are often in your life because they are a friend of a friend, making it difficult to excise them from your circle. Or they were nice for a while before the facade dissolved and they bared their fangs. The biggest problem with frenemies is that their insults are often subtle, thus making you wonder if they were truly being malicious, or if it's just you. It's not you, it's them. I promise. You'd think that frenemies would have become extinct after 8th grade, but unfortunately they live on well into adulthood.

Frenemies often come out of the woodwork when something good happens in your life. For example, you get chosen for a prestigious award. A frenemy would say, "That's fabulous! There must not have been very many contenders." That is the classic frenemy tactic: start with a compliment, then undermine it with something that completely negates the compliment. "Your boyfriend is so wonderful! Who would have ever thought that YOU would have found love!" "I'm so happy about your new job. I'm just glad I won't have to work those awful hours." I could go on and on, but you see the pattern. They say they are happy for you, but then throw in something to rain all over your happy parade.

Sadly, frenemies also attack when you're down. If you don't get a promotion, they might say, "I'm so sorry to hear that, but you know that there were so many more qualified people." Or if you got rejected from a graduate program, they would say, "That's so disappointing, but you know those schools only take top people." Ouch. You were already on the ground, but those frenemies just can't resist kicking you anyway.

Another frenemy tactic is the ultra-ambiguous insult. They seem benign on the surface, but the sting is in there. "Oh, I didn't know you would be at this party!" translates into "I didn't think you were good enough to get an invite." "What a fantastic haircut. You finally found someone who knows what they're doing!" translates into "You looked awful before." These comments don't always seem rude at first, but the more you think about them, the more you realize what a jerk this "friend" really is.

I encountered a lot of frenemy-type behavior when I decided to apply to law school. My favorite comment was from a friend who asked how LSAT studying was going. When I expressed some frustration in my practice scores, the reply was: "Well the problem is you're not brilliant, you just work really hard. That's not going to help you with this." Well, despite my lack of brilliance, I somehow managed to do just fine. When I got into Berkeley, my first choice, my friend said, "Of course you got in, I had no doubt!" Oh, so NOW you have faith in your dodo-head, non-brilliant friend? Interesting change of tune, Frenemy.

So why do frenemies want to be your friend if you are clearly so lacking in talent, intelligence, and likeability? For the simple reason that putting you down makes them feel better. If you are nice and not likely to be confrontational, you are a definite target. Frenemies don't go after people who fight back. The bigger question is why are YOU friends with THEM? If someone gets high off of making you feel low, then no positive qualities are redeeming enough to keep them around. These people are toxic, thoughtless, hurtful, insecure, egotistic, and/or lack self-awareness. Unless you are a glutton for punishment, you are better off with friends who build you up instead of knocking you down. So cut off those frenemies before they cut you down...yet again.

The Way People Treat Single Women

2008-04-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'll fess up and admit that I'm no longer a single woman. I somehow met a gem of a young man in this crazy world of horrific dates and have been happily coupled up for a year and some change. However, it was a long and rocky road to get here, a road wrought with pain and frustration. It took eight years of bad dates, disappointing men, and much self-scrutiny before I left the single's market. Between ages 20 and 28, my longest relationship was 3 months. That's a lot of bad dating right there. Oh...and the only reason this topic is about single women and not single people is because I have no experience whatsoever being a single man. I'm sure that isn't exactly a picnic, either, but I can't just can't write with any authority on the subject.

As a single woman of many years, I made a vow that I would NEVER forget what it was like. I will never forget the unique exhaustion to be found in four awful first dates in a row. I won't forget friends who disappeared once they found love. I will always remember how a new suitor can seem wonderfully promising for weeks, and then suddenly and unexpectedly reveal the scumbag creep he was all along. Because too many people forget what it's like to be single, or they were never single to begin with, and the way they treat single people is unacceptable and downright cruel.

There are so many things that people should never do to single people, but I'll just highlight a few. For one, I can't stand people who assume that since you're single and their guy friend is single, you two should meet. Even if you have NOTHING in common, like you're a lover of steak and leather jackets and he works for PETA, or you're agnostic and he's Mormon...I mean, you're both SINGLE, and that's the only thing that matters, right?

Or when people ask, "why are you still single?" What kind of question is that??!! Maybe I want to be single. Maybe I'm busy. Maybe I haven't met the right person. It's not like you decide you want a boyfriend and POOF, there he is. We don't all have control over these things. And then these people offer unsolicited analysis and advice. Like, maybe you're doing something wrong. Or maybe your standards are too high. Why must I be doing something wrong?? Maybe I'm out there with an open-mind and giving lots of people chances, but the men I am meeting thus far have turned out to be egomaniacal bottom-feeders or painstakingly boring or parolees. Or maybe we just didn't click. I'm sorry, but to me, lack of a connection is a perfectly reasonable explanation for not wanting to continue dating someone. A guy can be handsome and kind and smart, but if it ain't there, it ain't. Don't blame the woman, don't say her standards are too high, don't say she has personality issues. She didn't feel it, she knows herself, she's being honest...respect her decisions!

And then there's the way that girlfriends or wives look at the single woman as a predator. As though since you're a single woman, you MUST be after her boyfriend or husband. So she sinks her talons into him and shoots you the iciest of stares before dragging him away from your dangerous pheromones. Ladies...come ON. Single woman does NOT equal home wrecker.

Then there are the obnoxious things that people say to single women. These include:

1) Don't worry, he's out there. What does that even mean? Who is "he?" Your soul mate, the perfect man, Prince Charming, a sugar daddy? And you know what, maybe there isn't someone for everyone...did you ever think of that? There are no guarantees that we will all find love, so don't say cliché things that are vague and not even true.

2) You'll find him when you least expect it. Who goes around expecting it? Do we all have varying degrees of "expecting" we'll find a mate? On Monday, I have low hopes for love, but by Saturday, my expectations are HIGH. I mean come on...that's just ridiculous. And if you are single and hoping to find a boyfriend, then how do you convince yourself to stop wanting it so that it will happen? Because just the act of not caring because you actually do care but if you act like you care it won't happen...that's just absurd. It's another cliché thing that people say because they don't know or remember what it feels like to be a single woman. Which brings me to the next one...

3) I WISH I could be single again...being in a relationship brings all sorts of new problems. Another stupid thing to say. Maybe a relationship does have unique problems, and they are work, but you have no business telling someone that they should thank their lucky stars that they don't have to deal with them. After years of dating with no success, watching your friends find love, and going to yet another in a wave of weddings by yourself...it feels pretty lonely, and sometimes downright sad. Yeah, when you're dating someone it can take work, and it can be hard, but it's also different problems than being lonely and sick of meeting new people and never getting past the "getting to know you" stage with a guy. You want to get to know someone more than superficially, to have someone to hang out with on weekends, to have a date to a wedding. You want regular physical contact, and sleepovers, and foot rubs, and sleeping late on weekends. And when you've been single for YEARS, you'd gladly take on the challenge of being in a relationship for the chance at all of those things and the ability to escape the dating scene. So just don't tell a single woman that the grass is always greener. Because if you really meant that, YOU'D be single. If it was really so awful being you, then you'd dump the schlump and be on your own. It's a trite and disingenous way to dismiss someone who is looking for a friend.

I urge you un-single women to remember that even though being in a relationship can be hard, being single can be pretty awful. Especially in your late 20's when most of your friends are married or headed there. You don't want sympathy, you don't want to be patronized, you don't necessarily want to be set up with every single man with a pulse. You just want your friends to listen to your feelings, and let you talk about your frustrations and how hard it can be. You don't need to be judged or psychoanalyzed or pitied. And you can be fabulously smart and successful and independent, and still be bummed out about not finding love. It doesn't make you weak or flawed, it makes you normal and healthy. Plus, when the wave of weddings eventually turns into a wave of divorces, those women are going to need some girlfriends to be there for them. Girlfriends who can be good listeners, who don't judge, and who know to leave the clichés behind. Don't worry...they're out there.

Cat Calling

2008-04-10T14:24:00.000-07:00

This one is for the ladies. I don't expect that most men understand the frustrating, embarrassing, and degrading experience of being cat called. I do expect (sadly) that a majority of women have experienced this on a semi-frequent basis. It is not only obnoxious and humiliating, but on a more serious note, I believe it to be psychologically damaging.

You can often anticipate when the cat calls will come. If you are a woman walking down the street alone, for example, and you are about to pass one or more men who are sitting on the side of the street taking a break from some job, then you can pretty safely expect a comment. It could be as basic as "hello," as embarrassing as "damn girl, you're looking FINE," to something much, much more vulgar. Perhaps if it is a kind compliment, such as "you're looking lovely today," then you might be a bit flattered...but for the most part, I get annoyed, or embarrassed, or uncomfortable. If it is something vulgar or very explicit, I get furious.

Sometimes a woman is walking down the street and a man will slow down his car to yell something about her appearance or her body. Sometimes a group of women are the targets. Sometimes you can ignore a cat caller and they will leave you alone. That's just irritating. But sometimes you ignore them and they follow you, persistently keeping at it. This is where you start to get really uncomfortable and possibly afraid. Sometimes, and this is when I am absolutely fearful for my safety, they get angry that you are ignoring them.

Don't get me wrong...I have been either flattered by a seemingly sincere compliment from a stranger, or even amused. My favorite comment came from a homeless man in the Tenderloin who said, "Damn girl, you'd better watch out, you're gonna get arrested! It's against the law to look that sexy!" But even that amusement comes with a sense of unease, the knowledge that you are being objectified, and the graver reality that men are typically larger and stronger than women. With these comments we become instantly and acutely aware of our sexuality, our weakness, and our vulnerability. Though often these men are just having "fun," we are aware of how easily we might be overpowered, and the horrific consequences were that worst-case scenario to materialize.

Most men who cat call must think it is harmless, or possibly even think women should appreciate the compliment. But with the obvious power dynamic, cat calling is serious and damaging and not at all fun for most women. Recently I was approached by a man who came right up to me in a dark parking lot. He kept smiling and telling me he wasn't going to hurt me, but he just needed some money to get home. We both knew his story about the money was not true, and we both knew that I would give him the money because I was afraid of what he would do if I did not. I was afraid, but also furious...because if I was a man, he would have never exploited my fear and I would not have had to give up $8. So even though I knew what he was doing, I had to comply. Though this man was not cat calling, cat calling has the same impact...it places women in a terrible position where we want to react openly about our distaste for what is happening, but cannot for fear of the consequences.

In conclusion, I hate cat calling because it is obnoxious, but I hate it even more for the psychological impact it has on women. I hate that I have to be careful walking down the street alone, even in broad daylight, and I hate the way I feel exposed and embarrassed every time I get a rude or explicit comment. And I wonder if any of these men have EVER successfully landed a woman by yelling at her on the street that she has a nice ass. Such a nice story to tell to the grandkids some day...

Overwhelming Odor Emission

2008-04-08T21:29:00.000-07:00

People who emit overwhelming odors drive me NUTS. They carry a strong cloud of scent with them wherever they go, assaulting our nasal passages ruthlessly. If their scent was visible, they would look like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown. Now, if you smell strongly for some medical reason, then I am not talking about you. I'm talking about people who emit strong odors of their own volition.

Sometimes the overwhelming odor is due to perfume or cologne. Not to knock perfume; I wear it every day. I have multiple bottles of it, and I wear a different scent every day. My favorites are Dolce and Gabanna Light Blue and Acqua Di Gio. I spray it ONE TIME...onto my wrists, which I rub together, and then I rub my wrists onto my neck. One spray is plenty. That way, I smell nice, but only if you get really close. Some people spray once on their wrists and once on their necks. That is also reasonable, though I personally feel it is excessive.

What is EGREGIOUS, however, is any more than two sprays. What are these people thinking?? Perfume/cologne is strong, concentrated stuff. We will smell you with two sprays, I promise. When you bathe yourself in the stuff, you take a good thing and absolutely ruin it. You announce your presence with your powerful aroma, killing plants as you walk by and forcing a possibly carcinogenic cloud into the lungs of those around you. And some people have allergies to perfume, so you actually can make them physically sick with your offensive spraying. I actually am allergic to some perfumes; they make me really nauseous. I used to work with this woman who wore so much perfume I had to hold my breath when she was near me. I could smell her two cubicles away, and I would be constantly queasy. It ruined my day, every day. Thanks a lot, lady. And it never fails...the people who wear a ton of perfume or cologne never wear GOOD perfume or cologne. Ick. Perfume should be subtle and delightful; it shouldn't beat you over the head and into the ground.

Other people emit overwhelming body odor. I would venture to say this makes most people ill. Like I said, if you emit a pungent smell for some legitimate health (or other) reason, then my apologies. But some people just have piss poor hygiene, and they STANK. My dear friend, Elana, said she was recently at the movies and the guy in front of her smelled so badly that she had to hold the perfume sample from her magazine to her nose the whole time. Now that is just RUDE. He gets to sit there all funky while ruining the experience of the other paying movie-goers. Use some better soap, or shower more frequently, or do your laundry more often.

I suspect that a majority of these stinky people need to rethink their view on deodorant/antiperspirant. For example, they should USE it. Yeah, that's right...there are still people who don't wear deodorant. God knows WHY. I've heard some people say, "You don't need deodorant, it's so unnatural, and if you stop using it, your body adjusts." What's funny is that the people who say that SMELL BADLY. Know why? Because your body does NOT adjust. That's just bull. It's like saying, if you stop brushing your teeth, then your body will adjust and fight plaque on its own. Um...no it won't...all of your teeth will fall out. And if you don't use deodorant, you will stink to high heaven, and you will disgust everyone in your presence with your stinkiness. It's just plain rude and SO not sexy.

So please...wash those pits and put on some deodorant. Bathing is a wonderful thing (as long as you're not bathing in cologne).

Miserable People: Part 1

2008-04-06T20:51:00.000-07:00

Today my roommate and I went to the grocery store. We were walking back to our cars, bags in hand, and were approaching the street. Yes, we were about to jaywalk, but we were going to stand and wait until it was clear and safe to do so. When we were about 10 feet from the curb, a car slowed down, and the driver started honking and swearing at us to get out of the road. Hmmm...don't we have to be IN the road to be able to get out of it? We didn't even come close to stepping in the street or getting in his way. And yet he was very, very angry. Clearly we did not make him angry. He is just a miserable person.

Miserable people come in many shapes and sizes. They are the women who scream at you to slow down because there are children in the neighborhood, even though you are going the speed limit and there are no children in sight. They are the people who spend their vacation with a permanent scowl complaining about how overpriced the food is, how long the lines are, how hot the sun is. They are the servers at restaurants who make you feel guilty for sitting at their table and making them wait on you. They are impossible to please and walk around with an aura of negativity that infects most who come into contact with them. These people are not just in a bad mood temporarily...it is their permanent state of being.

It is important to note a few things about miserable people. First, it is not your fault that they are miserable. They choose to be perpetually miserable, and thus you should not in any way take it personally. Second, you cannot save miserable people. Don't think that if you are extra nice or super patient or ridiculously generous that you will free them from their self-imposed prison. You will fail, which will only make you feel worse, and you will become a codependent enabler. Then YOU will not be enjoyable to be around, either. Lastly, you need not get sucked into the misery vortex. If you can identify a miserable person, you can put up your deflective shield and go about your life unaffected.

So how do you identify a miserable person? There are a few telltale signs. These include (but are not limited to): they have a permanent scowl, they have a furrowed brow, they are angry or unhappy but you can't think of any rational reason why, they yelled or swore at you but you did nothing to provoke it, you feel generally uncomfortable when in their presence, and the temperature drops when they enter a room.

I'm sure you know or have come into contact with a miserable person. My advice is to minimize contact with these people as much as possible. If that's not feasible, then develop a strong anti-negativity force field and bust it out as soon as you smell misery in the air. There's no justification for these people to dump all over you, and no need for you to take it. You are a lovely person. You deserve better.

One Downers

2008-04-03T21:23:00.001-07:00

Okay...I admit that these people are basically one uppers, and I have already done a one upper post...but I am talking about a particular kind of one upper. These are the people who have it SO much worse than you. And not only do they have it worse than you, but they have it so bad that you aren't even allowed to feel bad at ALL. These people are self-absorbed egomaniacs.

Here's an example. You are upset because you got rejected from a job you really, really wanted. It was your dream job in a dream location, and you thought you had a good chance, but you didn't get it. Though it was only one job, you are understandably upset about your rejection. One Downer would say, I don't want to hear it, I've been rejected from three jobs, I have it SO much worse.

Or you're confiding in a friend about how you got into a very upsetting fight with your mother. You and your mother usually get along well, so it's upsetting to you. One Downer says, oh whatever, you have no right to complain, your mother is a saint, while my mom is awful all the time, I have it SO much worse.

Here is the thing...even if One Downer does have it worse, it's NOT THE POINT. Whatever you are going through is hard for YOU or upsetting to YOU. Just because they have it worse doesn't mitigate what you're feeling. Like, say you broke your arm. True, it would be worse if you had to have it amputated...but just because it could have been worse doesn't mean the broken bone doesn't hurt like a bitch!

Someone will always have it worse. Things could always be worse. You could have a million good things going for you. But when you get rejected from a job, or when you are upset about a fight with a person you love, the last thing you want is for someone to tell you that your misfortune isn't bad enough to validate what you are feeling. That is just absolute garbage. If you are someone who tells other people that their feelings aren't justified, take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror (but not in the narcissistic, self-important way you usually do).

DISCLAIMER: There is one caveat to this post. Certain people should not share certain feelings with certain other people. Like, if your parents are paying for your school, and you are upset because you have to buy a used car instead a brand new car, don't you DARE complain about money to someone who is paying for school on their own and barely making ends meet. Or if you got into a silly fight with your boyfriend, don't complain about it to your friend who just went through a painful breakup, don't whine about your parents to someone whose parents have passed away, don't talk about hating your job to someone who just got fired, etc. etc. Yes, I know this seems like basic human decency, but oh-so-many people don't seem to grasp this. These people are even worse self-absorbed egomaniacs. They should be slapped.

America's Taste in TV Shows

2008-04-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

Most television programs these days are garbage. There have been some solid shows over the years, like Friends or Seinfeld, that most people can agree are enjoyable. Even if you aren't a huge fan, you can acknowledge they are respectable shows with mass appeal. But a majority of shows are complete trash. These shows are almost identical to each other: annoying/overweight/unattractive/lazy/misogynistic husbands and the overworked/underappreciated/beautiful wives who love them. See Everybody Loves Raymond, According to Jim, King of Queens, etc. They range from mildly amusing to outright groan fest.

However, every now and then you have a GEM of a show. A show that is smart, and funny, and witty, and has heart. These shows inevitably get cancelled. See Freaks and Geeks, Veronica Mars, and (the biggest loss of them all) Arrested Development.

Freaks and Geeks was a delightful show with great acting, likeable characters, and many relatable themes. It made it one season. Now I'll never know what happened to Lindsay Weir after her summer following The Dead. (Though Judd Apatow and crew are now gaining much acclaim...but alas, too late to save the Weirs and friends). Kristen Bell played an excellent leading lady asVeronica Mars, a show with good dialogue and interesting plot twists that kept me on the edge of my seat. Cancelled after three seasons. Guess Veronica and Logan are never to reconcile. And then Arrested Development...ah Arrested Development. Gob, Buster, and George Michael Bluth...three of the funniest characters in television history, and the rest of the cast had genius comic timing. The show was basically perfection. Three seasons. Three seasons of the funniest, smartest television show ever. Nothing short of tragedy.

In the alternative, Everybody Loves Jim of Queens made it 7-9 seasons. Despite the fact that the plot was exactly the same in EVERY episode (husband being a jerk, wife upset, in-laws interfere), these shows got a healthy run, and continue to live on ad nauseum in syndication. The only explanation for this is that the majority of TV-viewing Americans have very, very bad taste.

Update on Post #3: A trip down I-5 (and back)

2008-03-31T23:22:00.000-07:00

After driving to LA from Berkeley (and back again) on the monotonous and cow-infested I-5 this weekend, I felt the need to revisit post #3 (slow drivers in the passing lane).

In case you were unsure, I want to assure you that slow drivers are still traveling in the passing lane. My traveling companion and I spent a large portion of the drive playing high-speed frogger, weaving in and out of large trucks, RVs, and other annoying slow drivers. Most annoying are RVs and large trucks that decide to pass other RVs and large trucks. They are only going 5 mph (at best) faster, and thus it takes them forever to pass. Since I-5 is only two lanes, a loooooong line of angry drivers accumulates. We would get past this frustrating impediment and blissfully turn on the cruise control at 85, only to have to hit the brakes a minute later due to another errant RV or large truck. If a speed limit is 70, you have NO business being in the left lane going 65!!!

And it's not just large trucks and RVs...regular old cars are still egregious violators. These people like to drive exactly the same speed as a large truck, making it impossible for anyone to get around them. These people need to be slapped. Speed up for a minute and get in front of the truck, or slow down and get behind it. Just don't drive RIGHT NEXT TO IT!!! And I can't emphasize this enough...if multiple cars are passing you on the right, then what are you doing in the left lane??? GET OVER! Oh...and most of these people aren't even going the SPEED LIMIT. That's right...not only are they driving slower than the flow of traffic, they are actually driving UNDER the speed limit permitted by LAW.

Now that we have a portable GPS (I love you, Garmin), I was able to actually track the time wasted due to obnoxious and inconsiderate slow drivers in the passing lane. When we were free to go 85, we would shave several minutes off of our ETA. When those jerks were clogging up the flow of traffic, we would lose several minutes from our ETA. There it is people: tangible evidence of the precious time these selfish people steal from others.

Most people on I-5 have been driving for hours. They want to be on I-5 for the least amount of time possible. So I BEG you...pick up the speed or stay in the right lane. But please...don't prolong the time we have to spend smelling cow and getting showered with industrial-size bug splats.

Cell Phone Voice Messaging Systems

2008-03-30T18:25:00.000-07:00

Just about all of us have recorded a personalized message for our cell phone. It says something along the lines of the following: "Hi, this is so-and-so, leave a message, blah blah blah." However, the message rarely ends there. Some obnoxious electronic voice comes on and adds like, 30 seconds to the message, so you're stuck there waiting forever just to leave a 3-second message.

The automated voice comes in a few variations. One of them is: "To leave a voice message, please wait for the beep." Oh, REALLY??? THAT'S how I leave a message? I wait for the beep, and then I talk? Oh, good thing that voice explained it. I mean, come ON. Who doesn't know how to leave a message in 2008?

Another variation is: "For more options, press the star key." More options? I'm calling someone on their freaking cell phone. I want to either talk to them, or leave a message. What else could I possibly do using a voice messaging service? Get local movie times? Check the balance of my checking account? Chat live with local singles? Has anyone ever actually pressed the key for more options?

My least favorite is: "To page this person, press 1." Does anyone PAGE anyone anymore? I mean, all cell phones have caller id, or you can leave a message saying "Call me." Or if you really wanted to just send them your number, you would send them a text message. It's all just absolute ridiculousness.

Some voice messaging systems allow you to press 1 or # to skip right to the beep. Those systems are GLORIOUS. But some systems do nothing when you press those keys. They just ignore you and go on with their long-winded, useless spiel. The WORST are the ones who stop and say "I'm sorry, you have pressed an invalid key," and then go on to give the spiel anew. So much time wasted...so, so much time...

I wish there was a way to go into your phone's settings and cut out the automated spiel after your own personalized voice message. If anyone knows how to do this, please let me know. Otherwise, those stupid messages take forever, turn a simple yet necessary task into a frustrating endeavor, and suck away your precious cell phone minutes. And yet we are all slaves to the voice messaging systems. Crafty little scheme, cell phone companies...but shame on you all. Shame on you all but good.

Failure to Indicate Intent to Turn

2008-03-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

You're driving along happily, following the flow of traffic, and then all of a sudden some jerk in front of you slows down to turn left. Without warning you have to slam on the brakes and wait for the jerk to turn. Sometimes, the jerk can't turn because of oncoming traffic, and you have to sit there and wait for the jerk to turn so you can go on your way. The big question is: why didn't the jerk just put his damn blinker on???

If the jerk HAD put his blinker on, then I would have slowed down gradually so I didn't have to stop short, and I most definitely would have had time to get into the other lane and pass the jerk. But the jerk took away my opportunity to do so. Because he is a jerk. (And you know who else are jerks? ALL the people behind you who move to the other lane to get around the first jerk, but NO ONE slows down to let you get over. They're like: ha ha, sucker! I'm free! You can sit there and rot!!!" Such poor form.)

There are amazing reasons that cars have blinkers. For one, we as a human race have not yet figured out how to read each other's minds. We can't always guess what our fellow drivers are thinking or anticipate what moves they are going to make. For safety and courtesy, the blinker tells me, "that large, heavy piece of metal going 60 mph is about to get right in front of me," or "this guy is going to take a left on a busy road, and thus if I am behind him, I will be stuck there for a long time." These are clearly important pieces of information to have. And it's not like putting on your blinker is difficult...you push the damn thing up or down! That's it! It's SO easy! And yet MILLIONS of people just decide they can't be bothered. They are apparently too cool for blinkers.

Particularly egregious are people who very suddenly cut you off with no blinker. If you MUST cut someone off, the LEAST you can do is give them SOME indication of your intent to do so. Unless you're actually looking to get rear-ended. I mean, maybe some drivers are out there hoping to get hit? And if you're one of those people who cuts people off, fails to use the blinker, and then goes SLOWER than the car you cut off...well, don't expect any sympathy when you're the victim of road-rage-induced violence.

So I beg you, USE the blinker. Your hands are already on the wheel (presumably), so it's RIGHT there! It takes about one second of your time and such minimal energy. And it saves everyone else on the road from almost rear-ending you and/or plotting your painful demise.

And one last thing while I'm at it...what's up with people crossing multiple lanes seconds before their exit? Plan ahead, people! Cars are not toys, driving is not a game. How a majority of people passed their driving tests is beyond me...

Failure to Pay Debts

2008-03-19T11:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had this big "OH @#$&" moment where I realized I owed Dylan $8 from two months ago. It truly was not intentional; I would never do such a thing on purpose! But it sadly makes me a flagrant violator of my own huge pet peeve: People who never pay you back!

There are varying degrees to this. If I lend someone an amount that is $1 or less, then I don't necessarily expect or need to get it back. If I lend money to a good friend who is likely to buy me a coffee or a beer at some point, or lend me money at another time, then I don't need to be paid back. HOWEVER...if I lend someone $5 or $10, or I lend someone $1 on a regular basis, I want and NEED my money back! That stuff adds up, and it's not like I'm made of money.

Quite the opposite, in fact. I have no current job, no job for after graduation, and am in six-figure debt. Thus, $5 is actually kind of a big deal to me, and as much as I am a generous soul who would love to finance the needs and desires of others, I'm just not in a position to do so.

The worst is when someone who has more money than you does this. Someone who has some type of income, far less debt than you, and yet they borrow $10 and never pay you back. And I'm not shy, I'll remind people politely, multiple times. And these people still ignore you and fail to make you whole! What are they thinking? Why is my financial well-being less important than theirs? It feels like you are getting punished for trying to do them a favor.

Another REALLY bad situation is the one that Dylan is currently in. She fronted the money for a group gift, and we all shared credit for it. So I got credit for a gift, and I haven't contributed my share. And poor Dylan has been out the money! I can't believe I've done this to her, since I've been in the exact same situation (recently, actually, and in fact still have not been reimbursed), and it feels really terrible. Dylan did all the work, and now she gets stuck footing the bill while the rest of us share credit?? No way! Unacceptable.

I will continue to lend people money when they are in need. And I will continue to front money for things I feel are important. And unfortunately, some people out there will continue to take advantage of that, and won't pay me back, and will get credit for my financial contribution or turn what was intended to be a loan into an undeserved monetary gift. And it will continue to suck...but I don't want to stop being a generous person.

So if you're reading this and you suddenly remember that you owe someone money, then pay them back immediately! And if you are purposely ignoring an outstanding debt that you ARE aware of, then shame on you, and stop being selfish and pay up. I know I'm paying Dylan back TODAY...plus interest!!

Carl's Jr. Commercials

2008-03-15T23:24:00.001-07:00

I hate Carl's Jr. commercials. I hate them so much that I actually MUTE my television when they come on. That is how much I hate them.

Sometimes I fantasize about having a job where my sole purpose is to yea or nay every single potential TV commercial before it gets put on the air. In this fantasy, I instantly ban all Carl's Jr. commercials from ever being televised ever again.

No, I'm not talking about the Hugh Hefner commercial, or the Paris Hilton washing the car commercial, or that GOD-AWFUL rap about flat buns. I know those were controversial, but they have absolutely nothing to do with my hatred of Carl's Jr. commercials.

Here is the root of my hatred of Carl's Jr. commercials: THE SOUND OF PEOPLE EATING.

Almost every Carl's Jr. commercial amplifies the sound of someone biting into a hamburger and then chewing on it. You can hear their teeth pierce the bun, then the lettuce, then the onions, then the patty, then the other side of the bun, and then hear the food rolling around in their mouth for several bites. They also like to turn up the volume on people eating fries and slurping soda. GROSS. I'm shuddering at the thought of it.

It's like nails on a chalkboard. It does NOT make me hungry. It makes my skin crawl. It makes me never want to eat at Carl's Jr. ever (and actually, I never have).

WHO is the ad genius who thinks that listening to someone loudly chomping on food is going to sell burgers??? It is rude, it is disgusting, and it is why I hate Carl's Jr. commercials.

P.S. If you want to be disgusted, here is a prime example of egregious loud eating. Watch/listen to it at your OWN RISK: http://youtube.com/watch?v=TlMfo20RPgk&feature=related

Public Transit Blockers

2008-03-13T20:36:00.000-07:00

In just about every city in every state, public transit is unreliable. Buses and subways are notorious for failing to follow their schedules, and you must rely on them at your own peril. Just about every morning I go through a mental battle...do I wait for the bus or do I walk to school? If I wait, the bus undoubtedly will not come, and then I'll be late for class. If I start walking, the bus will end up passing me before I get to the next stop, and I'll be bitter and angry for the entire one-mile walk, and then I'm all cranky and sweaty when I get to class. Whichever I choose, it's inevitably the wrong choice.

On those rare occasions when you look down the street and see the bus making its way toward you, however, it's the best feeling in the world. It's like the heavens open up and angels start singing. Which is why it is kind of heartbreaking when the bus comes...and it's full. It's like the worst tease ever. But you know what's even WORSE than that??? When there is actually plenty of room, but there are a bunch of jerks huddling near the front, when if they would just move to the back of the bus, you could fit substantially more people in there.

God bless the bus drivers, because they try to yell "move to the back, please." But no one ever listens to them. Because people are selfish. And they would rather stand where they please then let other people get on. If I was a bus driver, I think I would lose my faith in humanity, seeing all those selfish people refusing to make room for others every day like that.

It's the same with the subway. At the end of a long work day, you're tired and starving, and maybe the next train doesn't come for 10 minutes. When it finally arrives and the doors open, there's not enough room for you to squeeze in, even if you stand on your toes and hold your breath. You look longingly at the commuters who get to go home and have dinner. But as the train pulls away, you notice there is all this room in the aisles, but those bastards didn't spread out! Or if you are lucky enough to make it on the train, then you get crammed in the back (because you're courteous enough to move into an open space to make room for someone else) and you try to get off at your stop, and no one will move to let you get out. What is with these people???!! How do they sleep at night???!!

Public transit is supposed to be socially responsible. It keeps cars off the roads and reduces carbon emissions. For many without cars, it is the only way to get to school or work or important appointments. When you are selfish and refuse to make room for others, you deprive others of the ability to conduct their daily affairs. So the next time you see a whole bunch of space in the back of the bus, ask yourself if it's worth making someone late for work. Maybe their tardiness will get them fired, and then on the walk back home they break their ankle, but they can't pay for the medical bills because they lost their insurance, and maybe they have 10 kids at home to feed, and now they'll go hungry...all because you like to stand in the front. Nice job. Jerk.

Any Questions?

2008-03-11T16:36:00.000-07:00

Class ends at 5. It is 4:59. The professor asks, "Any questions?" You're shutting down your laptop when some jackass raises their hand, "I have a question!"

Usually there is nothing wrong with questions. Sometimes questions are necessary, and sometimes they are useful for all. What I object to is people who ask questions when class is OVER. First of all, these last minute questions are rarely useful to everyone. And since there is rarely a question that can be answered in just a minute, we all end up getting stuck for 3-5 minutes (at least) after class has ended, and usually we didn't care about the question or the answer. If you have a question you really want to ask, then stay after class! Second, if it really IS a useful question, then there isn't going to be time to get to it with one minute left, anyway...so hold onto it until tomorrow!

This applies equally to meetings or presentations you are forced to attend. The presenter is wrapping up, and the only thing that stands between you and freedom is the obligatory five seconds of wait time after your boss asks, "Any questions?" You're about ready to bolt out the door when someone asks a non-pressing question, and the next thing you know you're stuck for another 20 minutes. Often you have to go to the bathroom, or you're starving, or you're running late for something else. But now you're stuck, because someone felt that their question was SOOOOO important it warranted taking up everyone else's time. The worst is when they wait until that fifth second before speaking up...so you think you're free, but it was a false sense of freedom. And when you've had a taste of getting out early, the pain of staying stings all the more...

The absolute WORST of the worst is when someone does not have a question, but a comment. Do they really think their comment is worth keeping everyone late?? Or is their comment so important that it must ruin our precious opportunity to get out early?? I suppose once in a long while, the question or comment is actually valuable. But really...oh-so-rarely is that the case!!

So the next time a professor (or boss, or presenter) asks, "Any questions?" and you have a question or a comment, take a second to think before you raise your hand or open your mouth. Is what you have to say worth keeping EVERYONE there to hear it? Is it valuable to all, or just to you? And if it won't benefit everyone, then don't raise your hand! Let the five obligatory seconds pass, and let us all leave on time. Because if you are brazen enough to ask the question, we won't even be listening to the answer...we'll be fantasizing about your untimely demise...

Leg Shakers

2008-03-10T14:31:00.000-07:00

We all have our nervous habits or twitches or what have you. I tend to touch my hair obsessively, others bite their nails, some crack knuckles. Most of these habits are irritating to others. My hair touching drives my sisters crazy, and in fact just recently my 5-year-old niece asked, "Auntie, why are you always touching your hair?"

The truth is, many of us just can't help it. But some of these habits are far less tolerable than others. For example, while I don't particularly enjoy the sound of knuckles cracking, or teeth biting through nails, the worst of the worst is leg shaking. Though I will say that if someone is constantly cracking their knuckles over and over and over again, that can be pretty irritating. But to me, leg shaking is just intolerable.

The reason for this is that leg shakers shake their legs while they are seated. They are often seated near a desk or a table. As a result, the entire desk or table (and often even the floor) shakes with them. My reaction is usually to wonder if I'm going crazy, then to wonder if there is a mild earthquake occurring, and then to identify the source as a leg shaker. Now, leg shaking is one of those things where I actually will suck it up and ask the person to please stop shaking. But you aren't always in a position to do so. Sometimes the leg shaker is several people down from you during a class, or a meeting, or a lecture. Sometimes the leg shaker is a stranger, making it very uncomfortable for you to have to say something. Sometimes you suck up your discomfort and ask them anyway, only to have them to stop for about 30 seconds and recommence. Frustration ensues.

I can be sympathetic. I don't touch my hair consciously, and I doubt leg shakers shake on purpose. But there is a big difference between being irritated by someone's unconscious habit, and actually enduring physical tremors caused by a person. Try writing on a surface that is shaking. Or concentrating on reading. Or paying attention to a professor. Or eating. It's pretty hard to do. Especially when you're dealing with a really violent leg shaker, who can actually induce motion sickness in those unfortunate enough to be within their shaky realm.

I know that we all are under a lot of stress, or are just tense people, or had too many cups of coffee...but there really is no need to shake the entire room just for your own comfort. So please, keep the tremors at bay by going off caffeine, sitting in an isolated area of the room, or taking on some quieter, less distracting neurotic habits. I can teach you all about the dysfunctional bliss of hair touching. Just let me know...

Dining Downers

2008-03-08T20:03:00.001-08:00

It's lunchtime. You're starving. You're about to rip into a bag of Doritos when the Dining Downer comes along and says, "Oh...my...God...do you KNOW how bad those are for you?" You're eating your tuna sandwich, and Dining Downer tells you all about the mercury in tuna, or how CNN ran some story about rodents in tuna canning factories. You go for dessert, (Oreos), and Dining Downer exclaims, "HOW can you eat something that has trans fat in it??"

Dining Downer (DD for short) lives to ruin other people's meals. DD loves to criticize the food you eat, most often when you are right about to eat it, or right in the middle of eating it. It is unclear what DD's motivation is. Possibly DD truly does have a concern for your health and thinks he/she can shame you into making healthier lifestyle choices. But mostly I think DD is a morally superior pain in the butt who needs to keep his/her mouth shut.

Favorite phrases of DD (usually uttered in judgmental disgust):

-Do you know how much fat/calories/butter/sugar is in that?
-Do you know what they put in those?
-Are you REALLY going to eat that?

Yes, DD, I know there is a lot of fat and calories and butter and sugar in it. That is why it is delicious. And yes, I am going to eat it, because it is delicious. DD is like someone who says to a smoker, "Do you know those can kill you?" As if the smoker will say, "OH!!! Cigarettes can KILL me?? I had NO idea! I'll stop this instant!" DD's favorite target is hot dogs: "That is so disgusting...do you know what they put in those things???" No, DD, I don't...but whatever it is, it sure is tasty.

Most of us are well-informed adults who know that the food we eat may not be the best possible thing to be putting into our bodies. But we eat fast food, or frozen meals, or vending machine items, or other unhealthy things because they are quick, easy, and/or available. Most of us would rather have organically grown, well-balanced meals in carefully measured out portions with no artificial flavorings or additives for breakfast, lunch, and dinner...but we just don't have the time. We're juggling work and personal relationships and other responsibilities, and sometimes we prefer spending time with a friend over packing our own lunches the night before, or we choose that extra bit of sleep in the morning instead of making time for a nice breakfast at home. And if it makes us happy, DD, then leave us alone! Yeah, maybe we might live longer if we ate better, but as Mike would say, who wants to prolong the diaper years?

So DD, I urge you to get down off your nutritional soapbox and jam a carrot stick in your mouth next time you think about criticizing someone else's meal. You don't make them want to eat healthier, you definitely don't make them like you, and you're really just irritating as hell. You go on eating the way you want, but leave other people alone. Oh, and DD...I heard Nabisco reengineered Oreos so they no longer contain trans fat...why not go a little crazy tonight? You could use it.

"Swiss" Friends

2008-03-06T11:31:00.001-08:00

No, I'm not talking about friends actually from Switzerland. I'm talking about those friends who insist on remaining neutral in any and all disputes. They don't want to get involved or be put in the middle. They want to stay friends with everyone. Personally, I can't stand friends like this.

Let me give some illustrative examples. Mary is dating Joe. Jane is Mary's very close friend. In a manipulative move, Jane causes problems between Mary and Joe, breaks them up, and then takes Joe for herself. Mary and Jane are clearly no longer friends. A "Swiss" friend who was initially friends with both Mary and Jane would choose to stay friends with both. As a justification for this, "Swiss" friends often rely on the phrase: "Well, she never did anything to ME..."

Another example: Bob and Dave are co-workers and friends. Bob works hard for a week on a project, and the company execs are highly impressed. Sneaky Dave somehow steals credit for it and gets some type of work-related perk for his good work. Bob confronts Dave and Dave is unapologetic. When Bob asks "Swiss" friend, Lou, how he can still associate with Dave after what he did, Lou says, "Well, he's never done anything to ME..."

I think you get the point. What drives me nuts about this is that these are not situations that warrant neutrality. It's not like Mary was rude to Jane, and Jane was hurtful in return. Or Dave stole some small part of Bob's credit because Dave was afraid for his own job security. In cases like that, okay...I can see not wanting to get involved. What I'm talking about here are cases of major betrayal, cases that indicate substantial personality flaws such as complete disregard for the feelings of others. So "Swiss" friend: these people may not have done anything to you YET...but believe me, they will! Jane could very well ruin a relationship of yours, Dave could easily turn around and steal your hard work without remorse. Just wait...you'll see. And don't expect Mary or Bob to be sympathetic when you're the one on the receiving end.

I want a friend who HAS MY BACK. A friend who can get over their fear of people not liking them enough to know when to support me. A friend who doesn't tolerate it when other people screw over their friends, a friend with a solid sense of right and wrong.

Neutrality is great in a mediator, or in a war zone, or in paint shades for your living room. But when someone decks your friend in a bar, get off that barstool, smash a beer bottle on the counter, and get into the fray!!

White People with Dreads

2008-03-05T13:11:00.001-08:00

This one is dedicated to Mike.

I don't know if I have an intelligent or logical justification for this one. It may just be a purely visceral reaction. But I can't stand white people with dreads.

The first dreads can be traced back to the Egyptians. Many other cultures have worn dreadlocks, including certain groups within the Jewish, Muslim, and Hindu religions.

Of course many people associate dreadlocks with the Rastafari movement. In Jamaica in the 1950's dreadlocks were associated with "Young Black Faith." Some think dreadlocks became popular because of Bob Marley and reggae music. Some wear dreads as a statement of ethnic pride, and some wear them as a rejection of Eurocentricism. Well, at least that is what Wikipedia has to say about it. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dreadlocks).

At some point, dreads became popular among certain white individuals, mostly associated with environmentalism. These people are often called "hippies." Some white non-"hippies" wear dreads for fashion, I suppose, or because it is "punk" or "different." I really don't know.

Again, I reiterate, I'm not sure why it bothers me. But it really does. It just seems that white people have no business wearing dreadlocks. There don't seem to be any legitimate justifications to me, and thus it appears to be another case of white culture usurping the statements of other cultures. I urge someone to change my mind. But until then, white people dreads drive me NUTS.

Inaccurate Assumptions of Like-Mindedness

2008-03-04T23:13:00.000-08:00

Recently I boarded a flight in Oakland that was headed for Dallas. I ended up seated next to a very large man (so large, in fact, that he had to lift the armrest between us to fit in his seat, but that's a whole 'nother entry). He was very polite and tried to engage me in standard airplane small talk. I told him I was a law student at Berkeley, he told me he was from a small town in Kentucky. He then decided it would be safe to assume that I shared his viewpoints on a variety of topics. For instance, he laughed at how vile avocados are, and how those crazy, liberal Californians put them on everything. He chuckled at how ridiculous it was when his college-aged daughter came home the other day saying "something about how gays should have rights." He got a bit more serious when expressing his condemnation of all Bush opposers, especially those audacious movie stars who vocally oppose the war. After all, said Mr. Kentucky, Bush has a PhD from YALE...what do THEY have??? Those are just some of the highlights of Mr. Kentucky's rantings on to poor, captive-audience me, trying unsuccessfully to look sleepy or deeply interested in my magazine.

People who assume I share their viewpoints absolutely drive me nuts. These people are so wrapped up in their own view of the world that they make no efforts to confirm that they are actually speaking to a like-minded person. This failure to confirm a sympathetic audience results in injuries ranging from amused irritation to much deeper offenses.

For example, I love avocados. Am I offended by his characterization of them as vile? Of course not. Does it bother me that he called Californians crazy liberals? No way (After all, I'm from New England.). This is what I would consider amused irritation. When he starts expecting me to laugh at the assertion that gays should have rights? Well, now I'm not amused, I'm very uncomfortable, and I get stuck in that whole internal debate of "do I tell him I disagree or is it not worth it because I'll never see him again and is it not worth the risk of possibly getting into an argument with a stranger but can I honestly sit here with my mouth shut and let him keep talking to me like this and why won't he let me read my magazine already...."

I mean, I live in California...doesn't he realize I might be one of those crazy liberals? (Ooh...maybe he DID realize and was waiting for me to assert myself as such so he could launch into a judgmental condemnation of my crazy liberal ways???).

Putting Mr. Kentucky and his W-lovin' ways aside, there are many people like him. People who say "how much did you hate that piece of crap movie," when you thought it was the best movie you've ever seen. People who say things like, "Jesus loves you," without knowing if you are Jewish or Muslim or agnostic. People who make a horrifying comment to you about how your colleague only got his/her job because he/she was a minority, and then wait for you to share their indignation. I suppose it is sometimes okay, if it's regarding something benign...but when it gets into more serious and sensitive areas...it's just not appropriate.

I know that on some level we all are guilty of some form of egocentrism, ethnocentrism, or "fill in the blank"-centrism...but in 2008, I would think most people would know it is not a safe bet to assume someone shares your cultural views, religious views, political views, etc. And yet, it still happens, all the time. And it drives me nuts.

P.S. I did politely let Mr. Kentucky know that I was liberal and agreed with his daughter about gays having rights. He chuckled and said, "that's okay, darlin'...you're young, you'll grow out of it."

P.P.S. Mr. Kentucky's assertion that George W. Bush has a PhD from Yale does not make it so.

Loud Eating at Inappropriate Times

2008-03-02T16:27:00.000-08:00

There are certain foods that you just can't eat without making a lot of noise. These foods include, but are not limited to, the following: apples, carrot sticks, chips, and nuts. Now I am aware that these foods are tasty, and many loud foods are quite healthy. However, there is a time and a place for eating these foods.

It drives me nuts when people eat loud foods when it is otherwise silent, especially when the eating of such foods is disruptive to productivity. I'm not talking about popcorn at the movies, or loud crunching in a busy restaurant. I'm talking about eating carrot sticks when you share a confined work space, eating a granola bar during a timed exam, eating chips during a lecture, eating an apple in the library. In these instances, all I can hear is the damned loud crunching...I can't focus on my work, I can't concentrate on my exam, I can't focus on what the speaker is saying, I can't do any reading. Such egregious chomping in these instances is extremely rude, as you subject everyone else around you to the distracting sound of your loud crunching, at the expense of whatever it is they are trying to do.

I don't understand this practice, as it is easily avoided. In the small, shared workspace example, why not step into another room for a moment, such as the kitchen or cafeteria, so I can do my work in peace? For times when you can't step outside, why not eat before or after I am stuck in a quiet space with you for an extended period of time? Or if you absolutely must eat during this time, why not choose a food that isn't so damn loud, such as a banana, or yogurt, or a muffin?

Like I said, there are times and places for loud eating. Eat your apples and carrots in the cafeteria. Eat them at times when there are other noises present, or when people aren't trying to concentrate. Or at LEAST try to be sensitive and minimize the grating sound of your crunching as much as possible.

So the next time you pull out an apple or a bag of carrots, I URGE you ask yourself if it is appropriate to start chomping away. And if it is quiet and people are likely to be bothered by your eating, PLEASE consider stepping outside, or eating during a break, or bringing a quieter food. I promise you that the people around you will be very, very grateful for your consideration.

One-Uppers

2008-02-29T10:31:00.001-08:00

You know the type. You got up at 6:30 and ran 2 miles, they got up at 5:30 and ran 10. You have a headache, they have a migraine. You've been having a bad day, they've been having a bad year.

Think Penelope from Saturday Night Live: "My cat passed away too, so...my cat was older than hers, so I'm more sad...my cat was my child, I was pregnant with my cat, so..."

There is no need to explain why these people drive me nuts, as it is quite self-explanatory.

P.S. I heart Penelope.

Selfish Sidewalk Strollers

2008-02-27T20:52:00.000-08:00

You're walking down the street. You suddenly need to stop, for whatever reason (you need to tie your shoe, you're about to sneeze, you're having a religious epiphany, etc.). So you stop dead in your tracks, right? WRONG. If there are people walking behind you, and they are following the flow of foot traffic, then you're going to force them to stop dead in their tracks, though they aren't as prepared as you were to stop. You will likely give the person behind you a jarring jolt as they try not to bump into you or get knocked down by the people behind them. The WORST of the worst is when people do this at the top of an escalator. And yet it happens all the time! Dude...just where exactly am I supposed to GO???

This behavior is what I call selfish sidewalk strolling. But the sudden stop isn't the only kind of selfish sidewalk strolling. It also includes people who walk really slowly, but in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk, so you can't easily get around them. Or when there are multiple people walking slowly in a row, so you literally have to step into the street to get around them.

In fact, just the other day this group of four young adults were walking toward me, four abroad, taking up the sidewalk from end to end. To the left of me was a busy street, and to the right was a chain-link fence. I tried to move over toward the fence as far as I could short of actually climbing the damn thing, as the group clearly didn't notice me there RIGHT in front of them, and this guy on the end basically body-checked me as he walked by. Did he apologize? Nope. He swore at me. Yes, that's right. It's MY fault for existing, for disturbing his obstacle-free stroll down a public sidewalk that he clearly has some entitlement to. Next time I'll scale the fence, buddy, just for you.

I'll admit it, I'm a fast and impatient walker. But I can slow down when it is reasonable to do so, like if there are a lot of pedestrians out, or when someone has a legitimate impediment to moving quickly. What I do not understand is why certain unimpeded individuals feel that it is okay to take up an entire sidewalk at the expense of others, when they could move to the side and let everyone enjoy ambulation. That's all I'm sayin'...

Fake Words

2008-02-26T16:18:00.000-08:00

The following are NOT words:

irregardless
flustrated
fustrated
supposably
laxadaisacal
copastatic
exspecially (or exspresso, or any other word that begins with an "es" and gets an "x" wrongly inserted)

Regular usage of these fake words as though they were real words is both egregious and unacceptable.

Along the same vein, the following phrase drives me nuts:

I could care less. (That makes no sense. It should be "I could not care less." For obvious reasons).

Unnecessary Driving in the Passing Lane

2008-02-24T22:14:00.000-08:00

When I took Driver's Ed all those years ago, my instructor, Gordon, drilled into our young minds that the left lane of the highway was for PASSING ONLY. Much to my chagrin, it seems as though Gordon was among the few who included this gem of a lesson in the Driver's Ed curriculum. If I had a nickel for every time I was stuck behind some irritating driver going the speed limit (or lower) in the passing lane, well...I'd have enough to pay off my law school loans.

It's such a simple concept: If you are going the speed limit (or lower), then travel in the right-hand lane. If you are going faster than the flow of that lane, then move over to the left lane. When it seems as though you are no longer going faster than the flow of traffic (and pay attention...here's the key to the whole concept), GET BACK IN THE RIGHT-HAND LANE. This way, those who wish to go faster than you are able to. Very, very simple. So if it's so simple, then why am I constantly being stuck behind slow drivers in the left lane? Why do drivers who are going the exact same speed (or slower) than the cars in the right-hand lane feel the need to drive on the left and effectively shut down the fast lane?

Not only is unnecessary driving in the passing lane extremely rude and frustrating, it is very unsafe. Besides inciting road rage, these drivers force people who do not wish to drive 60 mph in a 55 mph zone to pass on the right, or to weave in and out of traffic to get around the slow drivers. This could all be easily avoided if people treated the left lane as it should be treated: as the PASSING, not the traveling lane. Did these drivers not have a Gordon in their lives to explain this basic, yet highly effective practice?

It is especially irritating when you are on a long road trip and you've been happily cruising at 75-80, when bam--you're forced down to 60 by some jerk in the left lane going EXACTLY the same speed as the drivers in the right lane. They don't move over, you get stuck behind them, a line of frustrated motorists accumulates...and these drivers continue on, seemingly oblivious. Do these people not see the line of cars accumulating behind them? Do they not care? Do they have a special fondness for the shoulder of the left lane? Or do they get a kick out of seeing the angry drivers in their rear-view mirrors, cursing and shaking their fists?

Whatever the reasons may be, these drivers really, really drive me nuts. To all of you drivers out there who know that the left lane is the passing lane, bless you, and please spread the gospel. And to Gordon, wherever you are: thank you.

Excessively Loud iPods

2008-02-23T21:26:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the geniuses at Apple, a large number of people are now able to easily listen to music wherever they go. The iPod is a wonderful device; I carry mine with me wherever I go. It is not wonderful, however, when I am forced to listen to someone else's iPod.

I'm talking about those people who turn the volume up on their iPods so high that I can hear what they are listening to. Putting aside the fact that these individuals are clearly doing some serious damage to their eardrums, listening to other people's music can be a most irritating experience.

First, it is rare that these people are ever listening to anything you actually want to hear. It's usually some hip hop garbage or aggressive heavy metal, or something equally cacophonous. Second, the music is usually loud enough to disrupt whatever you are doing, but not loud enough so you can actually make out the words. This puts you in some strange limbo where you're indundated with bass lines and the like, but can't actually tell what the song is. You may be asking, if it's such bad music, why would you want to hear the words? Well, I don't, but only hearing part of it like that somehow magnifies the annoyingness exponentially.

You may also be asking, why don't you just put on your own iPod? The answer to that would be I do put my music on, but I refuse to turn mine on as loudly as theirs (I value my hearing and do not wish to be a hypocrite), and thus can still hear their music over my own. That's right...my music is playing directly into my eardrums, and I can still hear theirs over it. (Sidenote: I have also tried listening to my iPod to drown out the obnoxious gum chewers from post #1, but once again, to no avail). And furthermore, sometimes I want to read, or just sit quietly...I don't appreciate being forced to listen to music to drown out the dissonance.

So to all of you iPod blasters who seem to have no disregard for those around you: I sincerely worry about your hearing. Please turn the volume down, if not for my sake, then for your own.

Obnoxious Gum Chewing

2008-02-23T21:06:00.000-08:00

Obnoxious gum chewing comes in multiple variations. I will focus on the two that drive me nuts the most often: constant popping of the gum inside the mouth and chewing with the mouth open.

Many people like to pop their gum inside their mouths. It involves placing the gum strategically between your teeth and sucking in. Skilled internal gum poppers can get about 3 or 4 pops in before needing to readjust. Surprisingly, this practice creates a very loud popping sound, much louder than traditional external bubble blowing. Once or twice, it is no big deal. However, most internal gum poppers really go at it. I run into such people most often when I am taking public transportation, or trying to read at a coffee shop, or at the movies. The constant gum popping is extremely distracting. I mean, I am easily distracted always, but when an internal gum popper is really going at it, I can't read, I can't pay attention to the movie, I can't think of anything but wanting to grab the gum out of their mouth and throw it away. When the gum popping has been going on for a particularly long period of time, I sit there and wonder why it is taking so damn long for the gum to lose its flavor, and when is this person going to throw it out, already. As you can see, when a gum popper gets going, I am unable to do much else than sit there seething with irritation. It is not very productive.

The second variation of obnoxious gum chewing is with the mouth open. Besides being basic bad manners, open-mouthed gum chewing enables those around you to hear the sound of the gum sticking to and unsticking from your teeth. It sounds much like a cow chewing cud, or something similarly unappealing. The same effects ensue...I can't do anything but think about how annoying the sound is, how rude it is, and suppress my urge to tell them they sound like a cow. Do I tell them they sound like a cow? No, because that would be rude. And two wrongs don't make a right. When it has been my friends doing the open-mouthed chewing, I have contemplated asking them to kindly chew with their mouths closed. But is there a tactful way to do that? No, I don't believe that there is.

So I ask...is it THAT hard to enjoy a piece of gum without disturbing those around you? I really don't think so.