Leaving You High and Not So Dry

We've all been there. You've just done your business in the lavatory. You reach for the toilet paper. BUT IT'S NOT THERE. You're face to face with the terrible sight of the tiny brown empty cardboard tube. What do you do now??? You're literally stuck sitting there, unclean, panicking, wondering what TERRIBLE AWFUL PERSON took the last of the toilet paper and did NOTHING about it, leaving you to wonder how the hell you're going to get out of there with your dignity intact! WHO WOULD INFLICT THIS ON THEIR FELLOW MAN???

Most of the time for guys, it ain't no thing. A little shake, zip up, they're out. But for women, it is far more complicated. What are we to do? Maybe there is a paper toilet seat cover nearby. Not exactly absorbent, and definitely not Angel Soft, but it's better than nothing. If you're lucky, you have a tissue in your purse. If none of those are on hand, you have limited options. You can suck it up and zip up, knowing that you will be forced to spend the rest of your day feeling icky and ashamed. You can sit there for as long as you can, wiggle around a bit to shake it off, then wait to air dry as much as possible to minimize the ickiness. Do you (GASP) use your hand? Can you live with yourself? Or do you stay put until some kind soul comes around, so you can beg for some toilet paper, hoping that the passer-by can spare a square?

When it comes to numero dos, things are far more dire. There is NO acceptable solution in this situation. Whether male or female, it is highly unacceptable to pull up the pants after a number two. The horror. The HORROR. The mental anguish. Not to mention the severe sanitation concerns, and the subsequent need to throw away and possibly burn whatever you were wearing that day.

So this all begs the question...WHO WOULD DO THIS TO YOU???

With public restrooms, it is the fault of the establishment. The onus is not on the random member of the public who uses the last of the toilet paper at say, the movie theater, or a restaurant. There needs to be regular checks of those stalls. If a roll is getting low, you restock. You have a backup roll on hand at ALL times. If these are not your regular restroom practices, you are not fit to run a business.

In residential situations, if you are the one who gets down to the cardboard tube, then you have a moral obligation to do something about it. If you live there, you replace it. If you are a guest, you tell whoever lives there to refill. Smart people bring out another roll when the old one is running low. And for the love of GOD, keep some spare rolls under the bathroom sink!

And you know what is almost worse than leaving it completely empty? Leaving it with ONE sheet left. You know that sheet that is half glued to the tube, hanging off in scraps? Whoever leaves that flapping in the wind and thinks that they are not screwing over the next person is a real asshole. That one "sort-of" sheet merely taunts the stranded sitter, adding insult to injury.

And yet, people still take the last sheet, enjoy the luxury of its availability, wash their hands (hopefully), and just walk out. They don't think about the deep emotional scars they are inflicting on the poor soul sitting there, up a creek without a paddle, hating whoever did this to them, hating themself, and ruing whatever they recently ate or drink that has forced them into this terrible position.

Most of us haven't been used to sitting in our own waste since the diaper days. There are few things more abhorrent. So I implore you...don't wipe and walk. It's a sacred region down there. Let's give it the respect it deserves.

And a tip to the rest of us...check the roll BEFORE you go. I know sometimes you're faced with an emergency, but that quick TP scan can save you from colossal disaster. And you're worth it.