People Who Have Already Seen It

My roommate and I have this ongoing tv-watching struggle. If she's already seen an episode of something, she likes to guide my viewing of it. "Watch this part," or "this scene is important," or "you're not watching and you're going to miss something big!" It bothers me for multiple reasons. First of all, I don't like being told what to do. My immediate reaction is to rebel against any strict directives and do the exact opposite. You're telling me to watch, then I'm specifically NOT going to watch. I don't respond well to orders. So take that!

Second, when people do that, it ruins the natural flow of the show. If something big is going to happen, I want it to be a surprise. I don't want to brace myself for it. It ruins the suspense or the unexpected nature of the scene And sometimes I don't think it was a particularly important part, and then I'm let down. It's just all around badness.

Also, if I already AM watching, then why tell me to "watch this part?" Is there a way for me to watch better? Should I put on my glasses, or sit up straighter, or hold my breath, or sit on the edge of the couch? And if I'm not watching "closely enough," isn't that my prerogative? Maybe I'll miss something, maybe I won't. How I choose to watch a show is really no one else's business.

She claims that I deserve it, because I guess once I accidentally ruined a movie for her by telling her I didn't like this one character, so the whole time she knew the guy was going to turn out to be a jerk. I have apologized, but she is apparently never going to forgive me.

So I guess due to my slip-up, I will forever have to endure the "you aren't paying attention" and this is an important part." Well, at least until January, when I move out. I will miss my roommate dearly, but I will not miss watching television with her. Or her love of cooking stinky fish, but that is another blog post. :)

Red Hot Hand Raisers

Remember when you were in elementary school, and there was that kid (or kids) whose hand would shoot up in the air, and he would wave wildly, and make noises like "ooh, ooh, me me me!!!" Do you also remember how you wanted to sock that kid in the face? Well, my several hours at a legal conference today prove that some things, or people, never change.

I realize that this is very close to my earlier post, Any Questions? However, that post focused on people who ask a question with 5 minutes left in class or in a meeting. This post is about those few people who either think their questions are way more important than anyone else's, or simply have a Narcissus-like obsession with the sound of their own voice.

Today during presentations from the various speakers, the same 3 people would raise their hands. You knew who the Red Hots were in the first 15 minutes, because not only did they ask multiple questions, but the did so in the MIDDLE of the speaker's presentation. That leads to the first obnoxious tactic of Red Hots: asking questions prematurely, before giving the speakers a chance to do their thing, prompting the response, "I'm going to get to that in just a moment." Here's a novel idea...how about holding off on your question until the END? Then if it isn't covered, ask away. Saves us all time. I know it's a radical concept, but think it over.

Then there is obnoxious tactic #2: asking a question that is applicable to the asker only. It is always an ultra-specific question, which takes a long time to ask and even longer to answer. Meanwhile, the rest of us get nothing out of it, the speaker is delayed in their presentation, and the Red Hot unfairly benefits at our expense. "Um, I have this creally unique case about this particular party who did this very random thing, and I am writing this groundebreaking argument, and I was wondering what the court would think..." Buddy...wait until after and speak to this person alone, or give them a phone call, or send them an email. But don't waste the whole room's time with your own personal query. This is an informative conference, not a strategy session.

Obnoxious tactic #3 is the non-question masquerading as a question. The person takes a statement and asks it in a question-like tone. Or maybe they add some innocuous question to the end to validate their raising their hand. "I always do such and such when I write legal arguments. Do courts like that?" Red Hot clearly just wanted kudos from the speaker for his exemplary writing practices, or for the rest of the room to know just how amazing his legal writing is. What's amazing is that there was enough space in the conference room for the speaker, the participants, and that guy's ego.

So here's a good test: if you're at a large conference where few people know each other, and by the end of it the speaker knows your name, then you're a Red Hot. And the strange feeling you're experiencing, that sensation of prickly hot electricity on the back of your head, is likely the angry stares the rest of the participants are shooting at you as they wish you would shut up. Not only do you waste time and irritate the rest of us, but you prevent people with real, useful questions from being heard. You're like a living, breathing, irritating Hoover vacuum...you aren't efficient, and you suck.

False Accusations

I work in a small town in Marin. To my delight, there is a residential street a few blocks from the office with all day parking. I can always get a spot and don't need to worry about paying a meter or moving my car every few hours. It is fabulous...usually.

One day I arrived at my car after work and saw a business card on the windshield. It was from the local police. There was a message requesting me to call. I called, but could not reach the officer and had to leave a message. I started freaking out. I had NO idea what it could have been. My coworker and I looked all around my car for scratches or dents, thinking someone might have hit my car. Nope. Nothing. The next day, the police officer called me back and said some guy claimed I hit his car and dented it. He filed a hit and run against me.

I of course became furious, because I did NOT hit his car. I think I would distinctly remember doing so, especially if I hit it hard enough to dent it (which, for the record, would have been nearly impossible for me to do in such a small parallel parking space, even if I tried.). Also, there was not a single mark on MY car. And since I did not hit his car, there could not have been any witnesses to this event. So let's get this straight...without anyone seeing a thing, I somehow found a way to gather enough speed while parallel parking in a small space to hit his car hard enough to leave a dent, and I did so with such skill that I did not leave a mark on my own car, and then I just left my car at the scene. Yeah...that makes sense...

I am not without sympathy...this guy is pissed because someone hit his car. I get it, it sucks. But don't just blame the person closest in proximity with no other evidence! And charging me with hit and run? I neither hit his car, nor did I "run." My car was still there! The ONLY thing I was guilty of was having the bad fortune of being parked behind a person at the precise moment he discovered a dent on his car. Buddy, it's a public street...anyone could have hit your car. If you didn't see it happen, and there is no mark on my car, and the spot is tight anyway, then you got nothin'. Suck it up and leave an innocent person alone!

I hate being blamed for wrongdoing I did not commit. It truly offends my sense of justice. Especially because I am an extremely honest person. Once I DID bump into someone's car while I was parking. I was on a hill, and my car rolled into the car in front of me. I don't even think I left a mark, and the car was so beat up I wouldn't know even if I had (and that's what bumpers are for, right?)...but out of a sense of duty, I left a note telling them what happened and left my number. So if I left a note THEN, surely I would have left a note if I actually dented someone's car.

In fact, I'm so honest that tonight when the clerk at Safeway gave me $30, and I was only owed $20, I told him immediately. When I told him, he tried to claim he owed me $30. Did I take the extra $10 and walk? NO. Because I am an honest person. I don't hit people's cars, and I don't take money that does not belong to me. I also don't blame people for things without having some degree of certainty that they are guilty, and then file police reports on them accusing them of committing a "hit and run," just because I am angry that my car got dented.

Sure, it's no fun when an injustice is committed against you. But it doesn't make it any better to rashly point fingers at innocent people. Especially when that innocent person is a lawyer. And I've said it before, but I'll say it again...you don't want to mess with an angry lawyer. Grrrr...

Obliviousness to Your Fellow Waiters-in-Line

So I'm a pretty busy gal these days. I got my first job out of law school, and I've got lots and lots of work to do. Gone are the days when I'll take a long lunch to kill time. Some days I need all the minutes of work time I can get...so I often run across the street, grab a pre-made sandwich, and eat at my desk. A few days ago I had to finish writing a complaint by the end of the day. I headed over to get my lunch, grabbed a turkey sandwich...and then just stood there at the register. There was only one woman in front of me, but she was apparently unaware that she was not the only person in the place.

This woman was complaining about something that was wrong with an order she had made a week ago. The cashier was being very kind, and saying things like, "I'm so sorry, thanks for telling us, I'll make sure to speak to the owner when she returns." You'd think that would be the end of it. But no...the woman kept going on and on and on. "I'm so sorry to complain, but it's just that the food here is always so good, and I love the food here, and I was surprised that there was a problem, because the food is so good, and I feel bad for complaining," etc. etc. etc. The cashier kept saying the same thing: "I'm so sorry you had a problem, thanks for letting us know," etc. etc. etc. It was clear the conversation was O-V-E-R. But girlfriend wasn't having it. She decided it would be beneficial to have the conversation ad nauseum. Despite the fact that the cashier had acknowledged her, validated her, and promised to take action.

Meanwhile, I am just standing there, getting more and more frustrated by the minute. Lady...you're not at a customer service counter. You are monopolizing the SOLE cashier in a crowded place. As you go on and on unnecessarily, the queue is growing, and more people are being kept from work or their errands or eating their food. ALL I had to do was hand the cashier some money and get some change. That could be accomplished in 30 seconds. But instead, it took about 10 minutes. All she had to do was let it go after the first four times she repeated herself. Or even take a step to the side, and continue on repeating herself while I paid. But selfish lady didn't stop to think that other people existed, or that they might also want access to the cashier. That woman owes me 9 minutes and 30 seconds of my life that I will never get back.

The same thing happened to me last week at the gym. There is one water fountain in the cardio machine room. I work out in the morning, so I have very little time to work out, shower, and get to work on time. So I throw my magazine and towel on the treadmill and rush to fill my water bottle. But can I do that? Of course not. There is a woman standing in front of the water fountain, drinking her water, and reading a flyer on the wall. The flyer is to the left of the water fountain, so there was no need for her to block the fountain. But there she stood. Directly in my way. Drinking away, wasting my time.

I would like to know how these people are so talented at blocking out the world around them so that they don't notice they are sharing space with other living, breathing humans beings. I mean, that's a talent I wish I had. I wish I could block out the nutty people on the bus, or the loud neighbors upstairs who play Rock Band at 1 am, or my boyfriend when he snores.

I mean think about it...if only I could possess this unique power of self-absorption. I would never have to give up my seat on the bus for an elderly person, or yield to pedestrians, and I could cut people in line with impunity, and steal parking spaces from people who got there first. But alas...I am plagued with a recognition that other people exist in the world, and that my actions impact these other people. Just another way my darned conscience stands in the way of my ultimate dream of complete callousness. Curses...foiled again!

Abuses of Power

Today as I walking to work, I stepped cautiously into the crosswalk across the street from the office. I looked both ways and noticed a police cruiser slowly approaching the crosswalk. I thought to myself, "He's far enough away and driving at a very slow speed...he'll stop for me to cross for sure. I mean, it's the LAW and he's a COP" But no. He did not stop. He drove right through. He even looked right at me as he did it. We all know that if I had been in the car and HE had been in the crosswalk, that would not have been acceptable driving behavior.

I was pretty irritated at the hypocrisy. It is the law to yield to pedestrians in crosswalks, and yet the law was completely disregarded by the person charged with enforcing it. But seeing as how the whole thing took about 30 seconds of my time, I let it go.

UNTIL about 2 minutes later, when he parked his car and began writing a ticket for a woman getting money from the ATM next to my office. Even through the closed door, I could hear the argument. The woman ran back to her car (which was apparently illegally parked, though I couldn't tell how) and began pleading her case: "I was only parked for a minute, I just needed to get money, there is no one else on the road, I'm so sorry." The cop was unmoved. He said, "What if EVERYONE just stops for one minute to get money?" And he gave her a ticket. If I was less of a wimp, I would have gone outside and said, "And what if EVERYONE fails to yield to pedestrians in a crosswalk?" But I didn't. Instead I sat there and got mad.

We all have a story about a police officer being a big hypocrite. They get to break the rules while harshly punishing the rest of us for even minor transgressions. I know that there are good, decent cops out there who keep us safe and make communities better. But there sure do seem to be a lot of them who get off on their badges and abuse their power at their own convenience, or even for their own entertainment. Sure, some people really deserve a ticket...but is the world really a better place if a woman pays a $50 ticket for stopping at an ATM on an empty street?

Abuses of power are just scary, whether it be by a man in blue or a man in a power suit or a man in a big white house. Sadly, it often seems like those who are most likely to abuse power are those most likely to be in positions of power. So I always give big props to those who wield their power fairly and wisely. I have high hopes that voters will soon be wielding their power fairly and wisely in November. Let's reward those who don't drive through crosswalks one second and ticket someone for a minor violation the next. Or else next time you might actually be IN the crosswalk when the cruiser doesn't stop...and you'll only have a $5,000 tax credit to pay for your medical bills.

Good Old Fashioned Gender Stereotypes in the Workplace

Much like Britney Spears was not a girl, not yet a woman, I am not a law student, not yet a lawyer. I'm in that strange limbo of having a job but waiting for my bar results. My only credential is as a Juris Doctor, but I am not yet an Esquire, and am not licensed to practice in the state of California.

That being said, I've completed my legal education and am doing work that is entirely lawyerly. Thus, I was quite put off when these two financial guys in suits came into the office today looking for the attorney I work for, and while they were waiting for him, asked me if I was the paralegal. Hmm...woman in a law office? Must be a paralegal!

Now, I know there are people out there rolling their eyes and thinking, oh relax and don't be so uptight...it was harmless. Ok...maybe it was an honest mistake. I mean, I was actually doing work, and everyone knows real lawyers don't actually do work. Or maybe it was because I have a desk right when you walk in, and everyone knows real lawyers have some fancy important office somewhere not right next to the door. But I think we all know that if my male colleague was sitting by the door working on the computer, they would not have said, "so, are you the paralegal?"

What kind of a question is that, anyway? You're here to talk to the attorney about finances...what is it to you what I do? Perhaps I'm extra reactive because during my first legal internship after my first year of law school, a deputy attorney general introduced himself to me and asked me if I was the new legal secretary. It really just pissed me off...because I'm sure every year around May or June they get a slew of legal interns. It makes FAR more sense that a new face around the office in May would be an intern than a legal secretary. And again...what are the chances he would have said that to a young male intern?

I know people are sick of hearing about sexism, and people are also quick to blame women for being oversensitive about it. But I doubt it would have been kosher for me to say, "no, I'm an associate...are you a frat boy fresh out of college who wears striped shirts out to the clubs on the weekends, shops exclusively at Abercrombie, and hopes to have a long career screwing people so you can be rich?" So even though it was probably true, I kept my mouth shut. Because I remember the old adages of basic human decency: Don't judge a book by its cover; treat people like you want to be treated; if you can only think of things to say that are rooted in outdated sexist stereotypes, say nothing at all, etc.

So boys, a piece of advice...if you are going to make small talk in a legal office, at least make it about something innocuous that doesn't include ridiculously antiquated notions of men as lawyers and women as legal secretaries and paralegals. Because in a few months when the bar results come in (God willing), I'll be a legitimate lawyer. And we all know the only thing scarier than a scorned woman is a scorned woman with a license to practice law.

Celebrities Getting Props for Post-Baby Bodies

The other day there was a headline in my little People feed that said "Jessica Alba's Secret for Losing the Baby Weight." You see headlines like this all the time, along with photos of Jessica in a bikini, or Angelina in a fitted evening gown, or Jennifer Garner looking all toned. Fans and media always seem to be SO impressed...HOW did these women DO it?? How did they lose the weight SO fast? How do they look SO good SO quickly after giving birth?? Then they print all these "weight-loss" tips for us normal people, presumably so we, too, can look that good post-baby.

There are always these ridiculous quotes, too: "I just worked really hard at it." Oh, so that's it! Because non-celebrity moms just sit on their fat baby-weight asses eating cake, right? Or: "I followed a strict diet of organic vegetables." Because we all have time and money to go to farmer's markets every other day and eat really healthy, sensible, balanced meals.

Let's be real...celebrities lose weight fast because it is their JOB to look good. They don't have to look good AND work at a bank, or look good AND be a lawyer. And they have MONEY, so they can afford to have a housekeeper, a personal chef, a personal trainer, a nanny, and anyone else to make their lives easier. If the rest of us could hire help, we could spend less time washing clothes with baby vomit on them and more time at the gym.

Insinuating that celebrities deserve some big kudos for losing baby weight quickly is irritating as hell. It also makes normal, non-rich people feel like crap about themselves because they are so overwhelmed with all of their responsibilities (for which they have little, if any, help), that they aren't able to focus a ton of time on their appearance. And then other people judge them...if Jessica Alba can do it, why can't YOU?

So yeah...I am just not that impressed by celebrity post-baby bodies. I've never actually given birth, but I suspect I will NOT be wearing a bikini a few weeks after I finally do pop one out. And I won't feel bad about it. In fact, I look FORWARD to it. I mean, how often can you carry around some extra weight and actually have a good excuse?? Pass me the cake!