"Frenemies"

Yes, I'm stealing a term from Sex and the City, Season 3. Frenemies are people who purport to be your friend, but take any and all opportunities to insult you, put you down, or make you feel like garbage. These people are often in your life because they are a friend of a friend, making it difficult to excise them from your circle. Or they were nice for a while before the facade dissolved and they bared their fangs. The biggest problem with frenemies is that their insults are often subtle, thus making you wonder if they were truly being malicious, or if it's just you. It's not you, it's them. I promise. You'd think that frenemies would have become extinct after 8th grade, but unfortunately they live on well into adulthood.

Frenemies often come out of the woodwork when something good happens in your life. For example, you get chosen for a prestigious award. A frenemy would say, "That's fabulous! There must not have been very many contenders." That is the classic frenemy tactic: start with a compliment, then undermine it with something that completely negates the compliment. "Your boyfriend is so wonderful! Who would have ever thought that YOU would have found love!" "I'm so happy about your new job. I'm just glad I won't have to work those awful hours." I could go on and on, but you see the pattern. They say they are happy for you, but then throw in something to rain all over your happy parade.

Sadly, frenemies also attack when you're down. If you don't get a promotion, they might say, "I'm so sorry to hear that, but you know that there were so many more qualified people." Or if you got rejected from a graduate program, they would say, "That's so disappointing, but you know those schools only take top people." Ouch. You were already on the ground, but those frenemies just can't resist kicking you anyway.

Another frenemy tactic is the ultra-ambiguous insult. They seem benign on the surface, but the sting is in there. "Oh, I didn't know you would be at this party!" translates into "I didn't think you were good enough to get an invite." "What a fantastic haircut. You finally found someone who knows what they're doing!" translates into "You looked awful before." These comments don't always seem rude at first, but the more you think about them, the more you realize what a jerk this "friend" really is.

I encountered a lot of frenemy-type behavior when I decided to apply to law school. My favorite comment was from a friend who asked how LSAT studying was going. When I expressed some frustration in my practice scores, the reply was: "Well the problem is you're not brilliant, you just work really hard. That's not going to help you with this." Well, despite my lack of brilliance, I somehow managed to do just fine. When I got into Berkeley, my first choice, my friend said, "Of course you got in, I had no doubt!" Oh, so NOW you have faith in your dodo-head, non-brilliant friend? Interesting change of tune, Frenemy.

So why do frenemies want to be your friend if you are clearly so lacking in talent, intelligence, and likeability? For the simple reason that putting you down makes them feel better. If you are nice and not likely to be confrontational, you are a definite target. Frenemies don't go after people who fight back. The bigger question is why are YOU friends with THEM? If someone gets high off of making you feel low, then no positive qualities are redeeming enough to keep them around. These people are toxic, thoughtless, hurtful, insecure, egotistic, and/or lack self-awareness. Unless you are a glutton for punishment, you are better off with friends who build you up instead of knocking you down. So cut off those frenemies before they cut you down...yet again.

The Way People Treat Single Women

Okay, I'll fess up and admit that I'm no longer a single woman. I somehow met a gem of a young man in this crazy world of horrific dates and have been happily coupled up for a year and some change. However, it was a long and rocky road to get here, a road wrought with pain and frustration. It took eight years of bad dates, disappointing men, and much self-scrutiny before I left the single's market. Between ages 20 and 28, my longest relationship was 3 months. That's a lot of bad dating right there. Oh...and the only reason this topic is about single women and not single people is because I have no experience whatsoever being a single man. I'm sure that isn't exactly a picnic, either, but I can't just can't write with any authority on the subject.

As a single woman of many years, I made a vow that I would NEVER forget what it was like. I will never forget the unique exhaustion to be found in four awful first dates in a row. I won't forget friends who disappeared once they found love. I will always remember how a new suitor can seem wonderfully promising for weeks, and then suddenly and unexpectedly reveal the scumbag creep he was all along. Because too many people forget what it's like to be single, or they were never single to begin with, and the way they treat single people is unacceptable and downright cruel.

There are so many things that people should never do to single people, but I'll just highlight a few. For one, I can't stand people who assume that since you're single and their guy friend is single, you two should meet. Even if you have NOTHING in common, like you're a lover of steak and leather jackets and he works for PETA, or you're agnostic and he's Mormon...I mean, you're both SINGLE, and that's the only thing that matters, right?

Or when people ask, "why are you still single?" What kind of question is that??!! Maybe I want to be single. Maybe I'm busy. Maybe I haven't met the right person. It's not like you decide you want a boyfriend and POOF, there he is. We don't all have control over these things. And then these people offer unsolicited analysis and advice. Like, maybe you're doing something wrong. Or maybe your standards are too high. Why must I be doing something wrong?? Maybe I'm out there with an open-mind and giving lots of people chances, but the men I am meeting thus far have turned out to be egomaniacal bottom-feeders or painstakingly boring or parolees. Or maybe we just didn't click. I'm sorry, but to me, lack of a connection is a perfectly reasonable explanation for not wanting to continue dating someone. A guy can be handsome and kind and smart, but if it ain't there, it ain't. Don't blame the woman, don't say her standards are too high, don't say she has personality issues. She didn't feel it, she knows herself, she's being honest...respect her decisions!

And then there's the way that girlfriends or wives look at the single woman as a predator. As though since you're a single woman, you MUST be after her boyfriend or husband. So she sinks her talons into him and shoots you the iciest of stares before dragging him away from your dangerous pheromones. Ladies...come ON. Single woman does NOT equal home wrecker.

Then there are the obnoxious things that people say to single women. These include:

1) Don't worry, he's out there. What does that even mean? Who is "he?" Your soul mate, the perfect man, Prince Charming, a sugar daddy? And you know what, maybe there isn't someone for everyone...did you ever think of that? There are no guarantees that we will all find love, so don't say cliché things that are vague and not even true.

2) You'll find him when you least expect it. Who goes around expecting it? Do we all have varying degrees of "expecting" we'll find a mate? On Monday, I have low hopes for love, but by Saturday, my expectations are HIGH. I mean come on...that's just ridiculous. And if you are single and hoping to find a boyfriend, then how do you convince yourself to stop wanting it so that it will happen? Because just the act of not caring because you actually do care but if you act like you care it won't happen...that's just absurd. It's another cliché thing that people say because they don't know or remember what it feels like to be a single woman. Which brings me to the next one...

3) I WISH I could be single again...being in a relationship brings all sorts of new problems. Another stupid thing to say. Maybe a relationship does have unique problems, and they are work, but you have no business telling someone that they should thank their lucky stars that they don't have to deal with them. After years of dating with no success, watching your friends find love, and going to yet another in a wave of weddings by yourself...it feels pretty lonely, and sometimes downright sad. Yeah, when you're dating someone it can take work, and it can be hard, but it's also different problems than being lonely and sick of meeting new people and never getting past the "getting to know you" stage with a guy. You want to get to know someone more than superficially, to have someone to hang out with on weekends, to have a date to a wedding. You want regular physical contact, and sleepovers, and foot rubs, and sleeping late on weekends. And when you've been single for YEARS, you'd gladly take on the challenge of being in a relationship for the chance at all of those things and the ability to escape the dating scene. So just don't tell a single woman that the grass is always greener. Because if you really meant that, YOU'D be single. If it was really so awful being you, then you'd dump the schlump and be on your own. It's a trite and disingenous way to dismiss someone who is looking for a friend.

I urge you un-single women to remember that even though being in a relationship can be hard, being single can be pretty awful. Especially in your late 20's when most of your friends are married or headed there. You don't want sympathy, you don't want to be patronized, you don't necessarily want to be set up with every single man with a pulse. You just want your friends to listen to your feelings, and let you talk about your frustrations and how hard it can be. You don't need to be judged or psychoanalyzed or pitied. And you can be fabulously smart and successful and independent, and still be bummed out about not finding love. It doesn't make you weak or flawed, it makes you normal and healthy. Plus, when the wave of weddings eventually turns into a wave of divorces, those women are going to need some girlfriends to be there for them. Girlfriends who can be good listeners, who don't judge, and who know to leave the clichés behind. Don't worry...they're out there.

Cat Calling

This one is for the ladies. I don't expect that most men understand the frustrating, embarrassing, and degrading experience of being cat called. I do expect (sadly) that a majority of women have experienced this on a semi-frequent basis. It is not only obnoxious and humiliating, but on a more serious note, I believe it to be psychologically damaging.

You can often anticipate when the cat calls will come. If you are a woman walking down the street alone, for example, and you are about to pass one or more men who are sitting on the side of the street taking a break from some job, then you can pretty safely expect a comment. It could be as basic as "hello," as embarrassing as "damn girl, you're looking FINE," to something much, much more vulgar. Perhaps if it is a kind compliment, such as "you're looking lovely today," then you might be a bit flattered...but for the most part, I get annoyed, or embarrassed, or uncomfortable. If it is something vulgar or very explicit, I get furious.

Sometimes a woman is walking down the street and a man will slow down his car to yell something about her appearance or her body. Sometimes a group of women are the targets. Sometimes you can ignore a cat caller and they will leave you alone. That's just irritating. But sometimes you ignore them and they follow you, persistently keeping at it. This is where you start to get really uncomfortable and possibly afraid. Sometimes, and this is when I am absolutely fearful for my safety, they get angry that you are ignoring them.

Don't get me wrong...I have been either flattered by a seemingly sincere compliment from a stranger, or even amused. My favorite comment came from a homeless man in the Tenderloin who said, "Damn girl, you'd better watch out, you're gonna get arrested! It's against the law to look that sexy!" But even that amusement comes with a sense of unease, the knowledge that you are being objectified, and the graver reality that men are typically larger and stronger than women. With these comments we become instantly and acutely aware of our sexuality, our weakness, and our vulnerability. Though often these men are just having "fun," we are aware of how easily we might be overpowered, and the horrific consequences were that worst-case scenario to materialize.

Most men who cat call must think it is harmless, or possibly even think women should appreciate the compliment. But with the obvious power dynamic, cat calling is serious and damaging and not at all fun for most women. Recently I was approached by a man who came right up to me in a dark parking lot. He kept smiling and telling me he wasn't going to hurt me, but he just needed some money to get home. We both knew his story about the money was not true, and we both knew that I would give him the money because I was afraid of what he would do if I did not. I was afraid, but also furious...because if I was a man, he would have never exploited my fear and I would not have had to give up $8. So even though I knew what he was doing, I had to comply. Though this man was not cat calling, cat calling has the same impact...it places women in a terrible position where we want to react openly about our distaste for what is happening, but cannot for fear of the consequences.

In conclusion, I hate cat calling because it is obnoxious, but I hate it even more for the psychological impact it has on women. I hate that I have to be careful walking down the street alone, even in broad daylight, and I hate the way I feel exposed and embarrassed every time I get a rude or explicit comment. And I wonder if any of these men have EVER successfully landed a woman by yelling at her on the street that she has a nice ass. Such a nice story to tell to the grandkids some day...

Overwhelming Odor Emission

People who emit overwhelming odors drive me NUTS. They carry a strong cloud of scent with them wherever they go, assaulting our nasal passages ruthlessly. If their scent was visible, they would look like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown. Now, if you smell strongly for some medical reason, then I am not talking about you. I'm talking about people who emit strong odors of their own volition.

Sometimes the overwhelming odor is due to perfume or cologne. Not to knock perfume; I wear it every day. I have multiple bottles of it, and I wear a different scent every day. My favorites are Dolce and Gabanna Light Blue and Acqua Di Gio. I spray it ONE TIME...onto my wrists, which I rub together, and then I rub my wrists onto my neck. One spray is plenty. That way, I smell nice, but only if you get really close. Some people spray once on their wrists and once on their necks. That is also reasonable, though I personally feel it is excessive.

What is EGREGIOUS, however, is any more than two sprays. What are these people thinking?? Perfume/cologne is strong, concentrated stuff. We will smell you with two sprays, I promise. When you bathe yourself in the stuff, you take a good thing and absolutely ruin it. You announce your presence with your powerful aroma, killing plants as you walk by and forcing a possibly carcinogenic cloud into the lungs of those around you. And some people have allergies to perfume, so you actually can make them physically sick with your offensive spraying. I actually am allergic to some perfumes; they make me really nauseous. I used to work with this woman who wore so much perfume I had to hold my breath when she was near me. I could smell her two cubicles away, and I would be constantly queasy. It ruined my day, every day. Thanks a lot, lady. And it never fails...the people who wear a ton of perfume or cologne never wear GOOD perfume or cologne. Ick. Perfume should be subtle and delightful; it shouldn't beat you over the head and into the ground.

Other people emit overwhelming body odor. I would venture to say this makes most people ill. Like I said, if you emit a pungent smell for some legitimate health (or other) reason, then my apologies. But some people just have piss poor hygiene, and they STANK. My dear friend, Elana, said she was recently at the movies and the guy in front of her smelled so badly that she had to hold the perfume sample from her magazine to her nose the whole time. Now that is just RUDE. He gets to sit there all funky while ruining the experience of the other paying movie-goers. Use some better soap, or shower more frequently, or do your laundry more often.

I suspect that a majority of these stinky people need to rethink their view on deodorant/antiperspirant. For example, they should USE it. Yeah, that's right...there are still people who don't wear deodorant. God knows WHY. I've heard some people say, "You don't need deodorant, it's so unnatural, and if you stop using it, your body adjusts." What's funny is that the people who say that SMELL BADLY. Know why? Because your body does NOT adjust. That's just bull. It's like saying, if you stop brushing your teeth, then your body will adjust and fight plaque on its own. Um...no it won't...all of your teeth will fall out. And if you don't use deodorant, you will stink to high heaven, and you will disgust everyone in your presence with your stinkiness. It's just plain rude and SO not sexy.

So please...wash those pits and put on some deodorant. Bathing is a wonderful thing (as long as you're not bathing in cologne).

Miserable People: Part 1

Today my roommate and I went to the grocery store. We were walking back to our cars, bags in hand, and were approaching the street. Yes, we were about to jaywalk, but we were going to stand and wait until it was clear and safe to do so. When we were about 10 feet from the curb, a car slowed down, and the driver started honking and swearing at us to get out of the road. Hmmm...don't we have to be IN the road to be able to get out of it? We didn't even come close to stepping in the street or getting in his way. And yet he was very, very angry. Clearly we did not make him angry. He is just a miserable person.

Miserable people come in many shapes and sizes. They are the women who scream at you to slow down because there are children in the neighborhood, even though you are going the speed limit and there are no children in sight. They are the people who spend their vacation with a permanent scowl complaining about how overpriced the food is, how long the lines are, how hot the sun is. They are the servers at restaurants who make you feel guilty for sitting at their table and making them wait on you. They are impossible to please and walk around with an aura of negativity that infects most who come into contact with them. These people are not just in a bad mood temporarily...it is their permanent state of being.

It is important to note a few things about miserable people. First, it is not your fault that they are miserable. They choose to be perpetually miserable, and thus you should not in any way take it personally. Second, you cannot save miserable people. Don't think that if you are extra nice or super patient or ridiculously generous that you will free them from their self-imposed prison. You will fail, which will only make you feel worse, and you will become a codependent enabler. Then YOU will not be enjoyable to be around, either. Lastly, you need not get sucked into the misery vortex. If you can identify a miserable person, you can put up your deflective shield and go about your life unaffected.

So how do you identify a miserable person? There are a few telltale signs. These include (but are not limited to): they have a permanent scowl, they have a furrowed brow, they are angry or unhappy but you can't think of any rational reason why, they yelled or swore at you but you did nothing to provoke it, you feel generally uncomfortable when in their presence, and the temperature drops when they enter a room.

I'm sure you know or have come into contact with a miserable person. My advice is to minimize contact with these people as much as possible. If that's not feasible, then develop a strong anti-negativity force field and bust it out as soon as you smell misery in the air. There's no justification for these people to dump all over you, and no need for you to take it. You are a lovely person. You deserve better.

One Downers

Okay...I admit that these people are basically one uppers, and I have already done a one upper post...but I am talking about a particular kind of one upper. These are the people who have it SO much worse than you. And not only do they have it worse than you, but they have it so bad that you aren't even allowed to feel bad at ALL. These people are self-absorbed egomaniacs.

Here's an example. You are upset because you got rejected from a job you really, really wanted. It was your dream job in a dream location, and you thought you had a good chance, but you didn't get it. Though it was only one job, you are understandably upset about your rejection. One Downer would say, I don't want to hear it, I've been rejected from three jobs, I have it SO much worse.

Or you're confiding in a friend about how you got into a very upsetting fight with your mother. You and your mother usually get along well, so it's upsetting to you. One Downer says, oh whatever, you have no right to complain, your mother is a saint, while my mom is awful all the time, I have it SO much worse.

Here is the thing...even if One Downer does have it worse, it's NOT THE POINT. Whatever you are going through is hard for YOU or upsetting to YOU. Just because they have it worse doesn't mitigate what you're feeling. Like, say you broke your arm. True, it would be worse if you had to have it amputated...but just because it could have been worse doesn't mean the broken bone doesn't hurt like a bitch!

Someone will always have it worse. Things could always be worse. You could have a million good things going for you. But when you get rejected from a job, or when you are upset about a fight with a person you love, the last thing you want is for someone to tell you that your misfortune isn't bad enough to validate what you are feeling. That is just absolute garbage. If you are someone who tells other people that their feelings aren't justified, take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror (but not in the narcissistic, self-important way you usually do).

DISCLAIMER: There is one caveat to this post. Certain people should not share certain feelings with certain other people. Like, if your parents are paying for your school, and you are upset because you have to buy a used car instead a brand new car, don't you DARE complain about money to someone who is paying for school on their own and barely making ends meet. Or if you got into a silly fight with your boyfriend, don't complain about it to your friend who just went through a painful breakup, don't whine about your parents to someone whose parents have passed away, don't talk about hating your job to someone who just got fired, etc. etc. Yes, I know this seems like basic human decency, but oh-so-many people don't seem to grasp this. These people are even worse self-absorbed egomaniacs. They should be slapped.

America's Taste in TV Shows

Most television programs these days are garbage. There have been some solid shows over the years, like Friends or Seinfeld, that most people can agree are enjoyable. Even if you aren't a huge fan, you can acknowledge they are respectable shows with mass appeal. But a majority of shows are complete trash. These shows are almost identical to each other: annoying/overweight/unattractive/lazy/misogynistic husbands and the overworked/underappreciated/beautiful wives who love them. See Everybody Loves Raymond, According to Jim, King of Queens, etc. They range from mildly amusing to outright groan fest.

However, every now and then you have a GEM of a show. A show that is smart, and funny, and witty, and has heart. These shows inevitably get cancelled. See Freaks and Geeks, Veronica Mars, and (the biggest loss of them all) Arrested Development.

Freaks and Geeks was a delightful show with great acting, likeable characters, and many relatable themes. It made it one season. Now I'll never know what happened to Lindsay Weir after her summer following The Dead. (Though Judd Apatow and crew are now gaining much acclaim...but alas, too late to save the Weirs and friends). Kristen Bell played an excellent leading lady asVeronica Mars, a show with good dialogue and interesting plot twists that kept me on the edge of my seat. Cancelled after three seasons. Guess Veronica and Logan are never to reconcile. And then Arrested Development...ah Arrested Development. Gob, Buster, and George Michael Bluth...three of the funniest characters in television history, and the rest of the cast had genius comic timing. The show was basically perfection. Three seasons. Three seasons of the funniest, smartest television show ever. Nothing short of tragedy.

In the alternative, Everybody Loves Jim of Queens made it 7-9 seasons. Despite the fact that the plot was exactly the same in EVERY episode (husband being a jerk, wife upset, in-laws interfere), these shows got a healthy run, and continue to live on ad nauseum in syndication. The only explanation for this is that the majority of TV-viewing Americans have very, very bad taste.