The Way People Treat Single Women

Okay, I'll fess up and admit that I'm no longer a single woman. I somehow met a gem of a young man in this crazy world of horrific dates and have been happily coupled up for a year and some change. However, it was a long and rocky road to get here, a road wrought with pain and frustration. It took eight years of bad dates, disappointing men, and much self-scrutiny before I left the single's market. Between ages 20 and 28, my longest relationship was 3 months. That's a lot of bad dating right there. Oh...and the only reason this topic is about single women and not single people is because I have no experience whatsoever being a single man. I'm sure that isn't exactly a picnic, either, but I can't just can't write with any authority on the subject.

As a single woman of many years, I made a vow that I would NEVER forget what it was like. I will never forget the unique exhaustion to be found in four awful first dates in a row. I won't forget friends who disappeared once they found love. I will always remember how a new suitor can seem wonderfully promising for weeks, and then suddenly and unexpectedly reveal the scumbag creep he was all along. Because too many people forget what it's like to be single, or they were never single to begin with, and the way they treat single people is unacceptable and downright cruel.

There are so many things that people should never do to single people, but I'll just highlight a few. For one, I can't stand people who assume that since you're single and their guy friend is single, you two should meet. Even if you have NOTHING in common, like you're a lover of steak and leather jackets and he works for PETA, or you're agnostic and he's Mormon...I mean, you're both SINGLE, and that's the only thing that matters, right?

Or when people ask, "why are you still single?" What kind of question is that??!! Maybe I want to be single. Maybe I'm busy. Maybe I haven't met the right person. It's not like you decide you want a boyfriend and POOF, there he is. We don't all have control over these things. And then these people offer unsolicited analysis and advice. Like, maybe you're doing something wrong. Or maybe your standards are too high. Why must I be doing something wrong?? Maybe I'm out there with an open-mind and giving lots of people chances, but the men I am meeting thus far have turned out to be egomaniacal bottom-feeders or painstakingly boring or parolees. Or maybe we just didn't click. I'm sorry, but to me, lack of a connection is a perfectly reasonable explanation for not wanting to continue dating someone. A guy can be handsome and kind and smart, but if it ain't there, it ain't. Don't blame the woman, don't say her standards are too high, don't say she has personality issues. She didn't feel it, she knows herself, she's being honest...respect her decisions!

And then there's the way that girlfriends or wives look at the single woman as a predator. As though since you're a single woman, you MUST be after her boyfriend or husband. So she sinks her talons into him and shoots you the iciest of stares before dragging him away from your dangerous pheromones. Ladies...come ON. Single woman does NOT equal home wrecker.

Then there are the obnoxious things that people say to single women. These include:

1) Don't worry, he's out there. What does that even mean? Who is "he?" Your soul mate, the perfect man, Prince Charming, a sugar daddy? And you know what, maybe there isn't someone for everyone...did you ever think of that? There are no guarantees that we will all find love, so don't say cliché things that are vague and not even true.

2) You'll find him when you least expect it. Who goes around expecting it? Do we all have varying degrees of "expecting" we'll find a mate? On Monday, I have low hopes for love, but by Saturday, my expectations are HIGH. I mean come on...that's just ridiculous. And if you are single and hoping to find a boyfriend, then how do you convince yourself to stop wanting it so that it will happen? Because just the act of not caring because you actually do care but if you act like you care it won't happen...that's just absurd. It's another cliché thing that people say because they don't know or remember what it feels like to be a single woman. Which brings me to the next one...

3) I WISH I could be single again...being in a relationship brings all sorts of new problems. Another stupid thing to say. Maybe a relationship does have unique problems, and they are work, but you have no business telling someone that they should thank their lucky stars that they don't have to deal with them. After years of dating with no success, watching your friends find love, and going to yet another in a wave of weddings by yourself...it feels pretty lonely, and sometimes downright sad. Yeah, when you're dating someone it can take work, and it can be hard, but it's also different problems than being lonely and sick of meeting new people and never getting past the "getting to know you" stage with a guy. You want to get to know someone more than superficially, to have someone to hang out with on weekends, to have a date to a wedding. You want regular physical contact, and sleepovers, and foot rubs, and sleeping late on weekends. And when you've been single for YEARS, you'd gladly take on the challenge of being in a relationship for the chance at all of those things and the ability to escape the dating scene. So just don't tell a single woman that the grass is always greener. Because if you really meant that, YOU'D be single. If it was really so awful being you, then you'd dump the schlump and be on your own. It's a trite and disingenous way to dismiss someone who is looking for a friend.

I urge you un-single women to remember that even though being in a relationship can be hard, being single can be pretty awful. Especially in your late 20's when most of your friends are married or headed there. You don't want sympathy, you don't want to be patronized, you don't necessarily want to be set up with every single man with a pulse. You just want your friends to listen to your feelings, and let you talk about your frustrations and how hard it can be. You don't need to be judged or psychoanalyzed or pitied. And you can be fabulously smart and successful and independent, and still be bummed out about not finding love. It doesn't make you weak or flawed, it makes you normal and healthy. Plus, when the wave of weddings eventually turns into a wave of divorces, those women are going to need some girlfriends to be there for them. Girlfriends who can be good listeners, who don't judge, and who know to leave the clichés behind. Don't worry...they're out there.