(Evil) Automated Phone Operators

I am currently on the phone as I type this, waiting to talk to someone about my federal loans. My very large loans are about to go into repayment, and I need a forbearance. The first time I called the number, it said, "For English, press 1." I pressed "1" and nothing happened. I pressed it again...nothing happened. Then it said to hold for an operator. Then it hung up on me.

I called back. Pressing "1" actually worked this time. But then I went through an extensive list of options, none of which fit my particular need. And they rarely give you an option to speak to an actual person. Sometimes pressing "0" gets you to a living, breathing human, but not always.

The WORST is those numbers that use voice recognition technology. The other day I was trying to find the number for a restaurant called Nopa. I kept saying it: "Nopa Nopa Nopa" and it kept saying, "You have selected, Ethiopia." Another time I was trying to get a number for the restaurant "Pane e Vino." The results that came back were not even discernable. And again, no option for a human voice. When they FINALLY understood what I wanted, they said "Say 'yes' if this is correct." I said yes. It hung up on me. I think I called about 9 times before I got the number. But even though I got the number, my blood pressure had skyrocketed, I probably lost a few minutes off my life span, and I had a strong urge to commit an act of violence.

The worst of the worst of the worst is when you call a place, go through this myriad of menus, and then the person you finally speak to says they can't help you and passes you off to someone else who can't help you and then they send you back to the first place...and so on. Of course each of these people puts you on hold for a VERY long time, subjecting you to either Muzak or some recording that repeats itself ad nauseam to the point that you feel as though you are undergoing psychological torture. You're like, OKAY, I'LL TALK! Though you're not really sure what information you're supposed to give up.

I suppose these automated operators are intended to make our lives easier, but they cause the most frustrating experiences. You get hung up on, you can't get what you want, you can't get or give the information you need. Getting a restaurant phone number isn't that dire, but most of the time we call these number for serious reasons. For example, deferring loans you can't pay back, or reporting a fraudulent credit card transaction, or getting charged for a cancelled utility service. These things are stressful and important and usually urgent. But instead of getting where we need to go, we get passed around from menu to menu, trying desperately to get through to someone who doesn't understand our wants and needs...it's like a bad relationship you want to get out of. But sadly, we're at their mercy.

When I am dealing with automated voice operators, I feel like I'm in a science fiction short story where the machines all gain intelligence and go awry and overtake the humans. I swear the voice knows I'm looking for Nopa, but it gives me Ethiopia on purpose and then hangs up on me and sits around laughing with its other evil machine buddies. Oh yeah, evil machines? Well to quote Johnny 5 from Short Circuit, that gem of a movie from 1986 with Steve Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy: "Your mother was a snow blower!!!"