You Know What Does NOT Drive Me Nuts?

Finishing my last law school final EVER. That does not drive me nuts ONE bit.

No more back-breaking case books. No more insanity-inducing finals. No more super competitive classmates. No more outlining. No more wacky grading system. No more rankings. No more 100-page reading assignments in one night.

Now all I need is a job. Lack of jobs for public interest lawyers DOES drive me nuts. Oh, and passing the bar would be nice...

Insensitive Gawkers Who Lack Compassion

Today I walked out of The Gap (on Powell and Market) and walked right into the mob of people watching the man standing on the ledge about to jump. Once I realized what was going on, I stood there for a minute or two not knowing what to do. I was literally paralyzed at first and felt so ugly inside that I was standing there watching this poor guy. The people around me were laughing and making jokes such as, "He must have just gotten his hotel bill." (Turns out he was on the ledge of a loft apartment, not a hotel.) Other people kept saying he won't jump because if you stand there long enough for the cops to show up, you are just trying to get attention. And the cops did show up...LOTS of them. And firefighters and EMTs. A firefighter even climbed up to the top of the building...

ANYWAY, after about a minute of shock, I snapped out of it and thought, if this guy is having an internal struggle over whether to jump, then it's not something I need or want to see. And if he DOES actually jump, then it's DEFINITELY not something I need or want to see. How would you ever get that image out of your mind?? So I immediately left. A few minutes later he did jump. Tons of people took tons of pictures and I'm sure a video or two will pop up on YouTube (sadly).

I understand that people are fascinated with these things. I mean, I stood there dumbfounded for a minute or two before reason and compassion kicked in...we have some morbid fascination with staring at disasters. And I know that sometimes people make jokes when they are uncomfortable. But standing there with your cell phone open so you can take a picture of the jump? Posting these pics in the Internet? Filming it? Why, people...WHY??

I know the guy kind of voided his right to privacy by choosing such a public place to jump...but what are you going to do with the pics you took...show them to your buddies like they're something wicked cool? "Look dude, see the guy about to jump?!!! See him jumping??" Really poor taste, people. Really, really quite poor.

People Who Think They Know...But They Don't Know

It should be a cardinal rule that if you do not have firsthand experience with something, you are not allowed to speak about the subject with authority. Many people are flagrant violators of this. They have read about something at great length, or heard about it or seen movies or programs about it, and they have talked about it, so they feel as though they have a valid opinion. But there is a difference between knowing about something in an abstract, academic way, and really knowing about it because you have lived it. Because there are some things you just can't know about unless you've been through them, and those people who speak all authoritatively about these things with their strong opinions are often useless, condescending, detached, and even ignorant.

There are so many examples of things you should not speak of if you have not been through them. This list includes, but is not limited to: getting married, having kids, being a member of a minority/underrepresented/oppressed group, and what it is like to have a certain job.

For example, some people say they will never have an epidural, and then judge people who do. "Oh, I can't believe those selfish women who drug their babies." If you've actually had a baby without drugs, then you've earned some street-cred. But otherwise, maybe hold your tongue untill you've squeezed out a kid sans meds.

Or maybe you're one of those people who says you'll never let your kids watch tv. But after hours of playing make-believe with Indiana Jones action figures and always being forced to be the bad guy, and you just don't know how many other times you can say, "I'm coming to get you, Indy!" and running around the room chasing a kid whose energy never dies, then Finding Nemo might become your best friend. God bless that little clown fish.

I've never had a child, but I have been an elementary school teacher. That's an area where people like to be super judgmental. People would always say that I had no right to complain about anything because I had summers off. I wish they understood that summer vacation is not a luxury, but a necessity. It takes at least 4 weeks for you to calm down and feel like a human being again instead of a burned-out zombie. A school year feels like an 8-month beating, and you need to recover and heal your wounds before another year (and another beating) begins. Another thing people like to criticize teachers for is how they use class time. Yeah, sometimes I did cop out and give them busy work or pop in a movie. Not often, but after a week where one kid was under his desk banging on it, and another went into the coat closet and refused to come out, and another was stabbing his hand with his pencil until he bled, I needed a freaking break. At least I showed them Charlotte's Web. I mean, it's totally literary. My basic point...if you've never taught, then you DON'T KNOW.

In law school there are all sorts of judge-y, inexperienced people. I know this one person who is on her third post-graduate degree. She has all these super critical opinions about practicing lawyers. She has never practiced. Not even a brief internship. In fact, I don't know if she has ever even had a job. All she does is study topics and write about them. It drives me NUTS. She lives in her pristene ivory tower of academia and has NO real-world experience, and yet she is harshly critical of all sorts of things. Super opinionated people with no real-world experience are the worst. They contribute nothing to society and yet stand back and constantly criticize the people who do.

True, there is value to an academic, detached approach. It can enhance real-life experiences and push critical thinking to a new level. And obviously I respect professors who publish their ideas and inspire thought and discussion. But it has to be combined with SOME kind of actual participation or contribution in the world. Or else you're just a critic with no authority. And your opinion means nothing to me.

In sum, if you are going to be a critic, make sure you know what you're talking about. And if you don't know what you're talking about, then be damn careful before you criticize and judge. Because it's morally superior and obnoxious. I conclude with the following easy-to-remember mantra: Don't hate...participate.

People Who Don't Knock

I was just in the restroom at the coffee shop (yeah, that's right, coffee shop again) and someone starts trying to open the door. Um...where was the KNOCK? Door closed, light on...knock first! One of my biggest fears is that someone will walk in on me in the bathroom. What an awful, awkward, MORTIFYING experience. Yes, it has happened to me before...because some jerk just opened the door without knocking, and the lock didn't work. I'm sitting there doing my business and wanting to die of embarrassment. WHERE WAS THE KNOCK? That was like, six years ago, and clearly I am not over it.

I mean, don't we all know you cannot trust those shady pop-locks? You rely on the courtesy of others knocking before barging in on you. Not to mention that I already have issues with public restrooms and stage fright...when I hear the jarring sound of someone jiggling the door, it does NOT help that stage fright. I just don't get it...knock, THEN try the door. IT'S NOT THAT HARD!!!

Eavesdropping Strangers and Strange Conversations

I'm a pretty talkative and social person. In fact, most would say I am TOO talkative. But one thing I do know is when to NOT eavesdrop on a stranger's conversation and then inject myself into it. Many people do not know this.

For example, the other day I was on the phone with my niece. She is 5. I was at Trader Joe's, but to be polite I stood outside until my conversation was over. My niece and I often get really silly when we chat, and as I was getting off the phone, I said, "Bye bye, Monkey Face." I then walked into TJ's. Some strange guy comes up to me, looking all serious-like, and says, "Who were you just talking to?" I should have told him, "None of your business, Nosey Parker," but I was startled and told him I was talking to my niece. Then he smiled and said, "Oh, that's fine, as long as you weren't talking to an adult." Well, Nosey Parker, for one thing, I wasn't talking to YOU. For another, I don't need you to approve whether I can call someone Monkey Face or not.

My friend Elana was shamed by a random stranger in a bathroom once. Elana was telling a friend about a baby shower gift she couldn't really use, and this woman basically told Elana that she should give her shower gifts to charity so people who really needed them could use them. What does this woman know about Elana? What business is it of hers? The answer is, none. It's none of her business.

Eavesdropping happens all the time. I guess people feel as though if you are conversing in their presence, then they have a right to weigh in on the conversation. If you're blabbing on your cell phone, then MAYBE I can see that logic. But if you're having a private A and B conversation with another party, then strangers should C their way out of it.

Okay, I'll admit, sometimes I eavesdrop and then inject myself into a conversation. Like yesterday, the cashier at the coffee shop was talking to a man about New Hampshire, and how she graduated from the University of New Hampshire. Well, I ALSO graduated from UNH, and you don't meet very many Wildcats out here in the Bay Area, so I said, "Excuse, me, I don't mean to interrupt, but I went to UNH, too!" And then we reminiscened about good old Durham, NH. I guess I felt that it was okay because I wasn't scolding or judging...I was relating! And once these two girls were debating whether one of them should buy a certain pair of shoes, and I interrupted to say that I thought they looked great. Because they did. And then I walked away and left them alone. So I suppose what I object to are people who are NOT being kind or helpful, or don't know when to walk away and leave you alone.

I also can't stand it when strangers come up to talk to you, unprovoked, and engage you in a bizarro conversation. Last week I was in line for the bathroom at a coffee shop (yes, I'm at coffee shops a lot these days...it's finals time!), and I'm just minding my own business. This random guy comes up to me and stands really close to me, and takes out a $5 bill and looks at me very seriously. He says, "Did you know that Lincoln was our only Buddhist president?" Now, I'm a big fan of my personal space, so I'm already uncomfortable. I'm like, uh, no, I didn't know that. And he says, "Yeah, he got shot in the temple." And he pointed to his temple. So now I'm like, oh...it was a joke. A bad, bad joke. But he's not smiling or laughing, and I'm not sure what my reaction is supposed to be, and why won't that person in the bathroom come out and save me??!! I just want to wait in line for the bathroom in peace...is that so much to ask for?

Anyway, my point is that people should mind their own business and/or not make complete strangers uncomfortable by engaging them in strange dialogue. It's fine to be friendly, it's fine to smile, and sometimes it's fine to eavesdrop/interrupt/engage a stranger if you're being nice or helpful. But let's leave the judgment, the chastisement, and the awkwardness out of it...we have families for that.

(Evil) Automated Phone Operators

I am currently on the phone as I type this, waiting to talk to someone about my federal loans. My very large loans are about to go into repayment, and I need a forbearance. The first time I called the number, it said, "For English, press 1." I pressed "1" and nothing happened. I pressed it again...nothing happened. Then it said to hold for an operator. Then it hung up on me.

I called back. Pressing "1" actually worked this time. But then I went through an extensive list of options, none of which fit my particular need. And they rarely give you an option to speak to an actual person. Sometimes pressing "0" gets you to a living, breathing human, but not always.

The WORST is those numbers that use voice recognition technology. The other day I was trying to find the number for a restaurant called Nopa. I kept saying it: "Nopa Nopa Nopa" and it kept saying, "You have selected, Ethiopia." Another time I was trying to get a number for the restaurant "Pane e Vino." The results that came back were not even discernable. And again, no option for a human voice. When they FINALLY understood what I wanted, they said "Say 'yes' if this is correct." I said yes. It hung up on me. I think I called about 9 times before I got the number. But even though I got the number, my blood pressure had skyrocketed, I probably lost a few minutes off my life span, and I had a strong urge to commit an act of violence.

The worst of the worst of the worst is when you call a place, go through this myriad of menus, and then the person you finally speak to says they can't help you and passes you off to someone else who can't help you and then they send you back to the first place...and so on. Of course each of these people puts you on hold for a VERY long time, subjecting you to either Muzak or some recording that repeats itself ad nauseam to the point that you feel as though you are undergoing psychological torture. You're like, OKAY, I'LL TALK! Though you're not really sure what information you're supposed to give up.

I suppose these automated operators are intended to make our lives easier, but they cause the most frustrating experiences. You get hung up on, you can't get what you want, you can't get or give the information you need. Getting a restaurant phone number isn't that dire, but most of the time we call these number for serious reasons. For example, deferring loans you can't pay back, or reporting a fraudulent credit card transaction, or getting charged for a cancelled utility service. These things are stressful and important and usually urgent. But instead of getting where we need to go, we get passed around from menu to menu, trying desperately to get through to someone who doesn't understand our wants and needs...it's like a bad relationship you want to get out of. But sadly, we're at their mercy.

When I am dealing with automated voice operators, I feel like I'm in a science fiction short story where the machines all gain intelligence and go awry and overtake the humans. I swear the voice knows I'm looking for Nopa, but it gives me Ethiopia on purpose and then hangs up on me and sits around laughing with its other evil machine buddies. Oh yeah, evil machines? Well to quote Johnny 5 from Short Circuit, that gem of a movie from 1986 with Steve Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy: "Your mother was a snow blower!!!"

That Guy

You know That Guy. We all know That Guy. Because unfortunately, That Guy is all over the place.

That Guy has a trust fund or comes from a wealthy family or received some other source of unearned affluence. Maybe That Guy had to have a part-time job growing up to pay for his social life or whatnot, but that guy has never had to honestly worry about money. Even if he is forced to pay his own way after college or grad school, he always knows he has the safety net of his family's wealth to fall back on.

Because That Guy has never had to worry about money, he gets to do all sorts of noble things with his time. He gets to travel to Asia for months and study meditation and yoga. He gets to go to Africa and help with HIV prevention. He gets to go to South America and learn about "real" poverty. Then he comes back to the United States and complains about how disgusting our country is with our consumer culture and how going to the grocery store was so overwhelming. But despite his hatred for our capitalist country, he stays here, presumedly so he can flout his moral superiority at every opportunity. He likes to make the rest of us feel bad because we have never taken time out of our lives to see the rest of the world and learn the deep and meaningful lessons that he has learned. He points out how privileged we are, and how we don't recognize it and we take it for granted. He will condemn you for complaining that you are in a lot of debt, or don't know if you can make your next rent payment on time, or how you racked up a huge credit card bill from an unexpected medical emergency. You're lucky to be a US citizen, so stop complaining about your frivolous problems, he'll say.

I'm so sorry, That Guy. I'm sorry that I don't recognize my privilege. I'm sorry that I had to pay my way through my own higher education and am so far in debt that I can't afford to buy a plane ticket to another country or take time off work so I can see what you have seen. If only my parents paid for my rent or helped me with school then maybe I could have even a fraction of the deep insight that you have.

One thing That Guy will never do is denounce his family's money or give up the trust fund and try to go it alone. But he will continue to judge others and get onto his soapbox of moral superiority whenever he can so he can look down on the rest of us for being so spoiled and not recognizing how privileged we are. It must be so hard to be That Guy. Self-righteousness is so lonely...

P.S. From http://www.urbandictionary.com/:

Trustafarian: privileged white kids who subscribe to the hippie lifestyle (because they can) since they have no worries about money, a job etc. They can then devote their lives to eating organic, following Phish, and wearing dreadlocks (no need for job interviews).