Roddy B.

Today, Rod Blagojevichonovskiwitz defiantly announced he has no plans to step down, saying "I will fight until I take my last breath." He maintains his innocence. The accusations are false, of course. He apparently did not attempt to sell Obama's senate seat to the highest bidders. Apparently aaaaaaallllll those recordings from wiretapped calls are just lies perpetuated by a "political lynch mob."

Roddy B...put a fork in it, you're DONE. Your entire state legislature voted 113-0 to assemble an impeachment committee. The evidence against you is overwhelming...that gun isn't just smokin', it's on FIRE. You have fallen from political grace in what is being called one of the biggest government scandals ever. You have ruined your name and brought shame to your state. It's O-V-E-R.

But does Blahblahblah accept this as fact? Nope. He has decided instead to force the poor people of Illinois to engage in a drawn out, ugly, EXPENSIVE battle to oust him. That's just what the state needs after its governor has completely f-ed it...to waste precious resources in this terrible economy. Nice governing, buddy.

Blagagablah should take a cue from Spitzer. He owned what he did and quickly stepped down. I by no means think Spitzer is an exemplar, but at least he didn't insist on keeping his position when he was caught redhanded. Blago-go-gadget-arms...have you learned nothing from other obviously guilty politicians who put up a fight? Look at Sen. Stevens, for example. He vehemently insisted on innocence...and was found guilty of SEVEN felony counts and lost his seat. And then there's Sen. Craig, who admitted guilt but is now recanting. He's looking even more like a damn fool every day, all the while dragging his family through the nastiness. NO ONE believes these men are innocent, and no one ever did. They are delusional megalomaniacs who cling to futile hopes of maintaining their power while assuring their places in history as utterly despicable jokers.

So RB, I beg you...save your breath for worthier battles than your unsalvageable career. You have pounded the final nail in your political coffin. You're going down no matter what. There's no need to drag the entire state of Illinois down with you.

The Dolce Commercial

I know I have previously mentioned that one of my dream jobs would be some sort of "tv commercial czar," where I could nix commercials that are stupid, crude, pointless, offensive, obnoxious, etc. This dream has recently been reignited by the Canon commercial starring tennis star Maria Sharapova and her little dog, Dolce.

You must have seen this commercial because they play it about 48 times per day. In the commercial, Maria and Dolce are stopped multiple times as they tool around town by people wielding Canon cameras. They ask permission to take a picture...Maria assumes they must want to take a picture of her, the gorgeous pro athlete. But no, they all want to take a picture of her Toto-like dog, Dolce. Apparently he/she is a VERY cute dog.

And the premise is cute...at first. But the scenario happens like, 4 times in the commercial. Every single time, Maria is shocked that the intrusive photographers want a picture of her dog. "I'm over here," she says. Honey...if it KEEPS happening, why are you still so surprised? Your dog is cute, people want to photograph it, get over it. But no, she's taken aback anew with each instance. Poor Maria comes off as either self-absorbed and narcissistic, or just really dumb.

I know it is not Maria's fault...she is just performing the script that Canon gave her (and for which Canon is paying her the big bucks). She very well may be intelligent and modest. But the commercial does not cast her in a very positive light. In trying to sell a product that can capture memorable moments, the ad guys at Canon are clearly stuck in the dark room. (I know, laaaaaaame pun. I'm groaning, too...)

Exclamation Point Overuse

Have you ever received an email like this? "Hey!!! How are you?!! I am fine! I am having a great day! I haven't seen you in so long! My car is blue! It is Monday!"

You get the idea.

I can't stand overuse of exclamation points. Exclamation points are solely for things that actually deserve exclamation: "Watch out! Fire! I can't believe what Chuck wrote in his note to Blair!" They are NOT for routine declaratory sentences, such as: "I am hungry." or "We are out of milk." or "People who overuse exclamation points are obnoxious." After the second or third exclamation point in an email, they lose all impact. It is as if they disappear altogether.

Exclamation point abusers are the boys who cried wolf. One day, their overuse will come back to bite them. They will have something that really, truly deserves emphasis, and they will use an exclamation point properly. But we won't notice. We will read the sentence in a completely normal way, with no emphasis whatsoever...and there will be DISASTROUS consequences. Damn you, overusers! (Note the proper use of an exclamation point at the end of this post).

Backseat Drivers

I have to begin this post with an admission. Last week while driving back from my dad's house for Thanksgiving, I was an egregious backseat driver. I had to go to the bathroom (shocker), and did not feel as though Mike was driving sufficiently fast enough to get me to a rest stop. He was taking a right turn while a large Mack truck was approaching fast. I said "watch out for that truck!" And what was Mike's reaction? Did he know exactly what I was talking about and thus speed up to get out of the intersection safely and avoid the truck? Of course not...I scared the crap out of him and he hit the brakes.

If I had said nothing, Mike would have made his turn just fine, the very large truck would not have hit us, and we would be on our way. But instead, we both freaked out, then he had to slam on the gas to finish his turn, the enormous Mack truck whizzed by us, and our hearts were still pounding by the time we got to the rest stop. I'm still apologizing for it.

That's about the normal reaction of backseat driving. Someone says "watch out" and your initial instinct is to slam on the brakes while your stomach does a few cartwheels and your heart leaps out of your chest. It is far MORE dangerous then whatever minor traffic condition the backseat driver was trying to warn you of. Unless there is, in fact, something directly in front of you that the driver is going to crash into in a mere moment, then zip your lip. An example of when it's ok: a few weeks ago I got so excited about a legal brief while I was driving my boss to lunch that I would have crashed into a stopped car in front of me if he didn't scream for me to stop. Now THAT was appropriate backseat driving. But for the rest of you, close your eyes and say a few Hail Marys if you have to, but for the love...don't unnecessarily scare the bejeezus out of the person operating a potentially deadly vehicle!!

Besides being extremely dangerous, backseat driving is also SUPER irritating. "That car up there is coming to a stop," "Look out for that guy turning," "I think this person is about to change lanes." Um, yeah...I passed my driver's test when I was freaking 16. I am aware of the cars around me, I don't need a running narrative of my environment. And what do these backseat drivers think happens when they aren't in the car without their sage guidance? Do they think you just speed around willy nilly, carelessly bashing into cars left and right? All because the backseat driver isn't there to explain the nuances of traffic patterns around you? The answer is no, backseat driver. We all do just fine. If someone actually DOES drive that piss poorly, then it's safe to say you shouldn't be in the car with them anyway. And besides, there are people whose job it is to monitor motorists. They are called police.

In sum, barring an emergency, there is no excuse for backseat driving. It is irritating and dangerous. If you don't like someone's driving, then you have two choices: keep your mouth shut, or don't get in the car with them. Or if you really feel a burning desire to tell people how to drive, then teach Driver's Ed.

Oh, and Mike: I'm still sorry about the truck incident. It won't happen again, or you can forbid me from talking in your car. You have it here in writing...

Line Cutters...They DO Exist Past Elementary School!

Today I walked into a bakery, and a woman walked in after me. The lady behind the counter then says, "I can help whoever was next." The woman, who most definitely walked in AFTER me, said, "yes, I would like a loaf of wheat bread, please." Um...excuse me, maam? You were most definitely NOT next. But sure enough, she walked out with her bread before I ever got helped.

A similar thing happened to me a few weeks ago at Office Depot. I was in a pretty big rush, and I was waiting in line for the sole cashier to finish with a customer. The customer left, and a woman and her three children walked right in front of me and put their stuff on the counter. The cashier looks at me and says, "Weren't you next?" But the woman pushed her stuff toward him, completely disregarding me. I didn't feel like putting up a fight.

What is wrong with these people? I mean, this is something you learn in Kindergarten. First come, first served. No cutting in line, no saving spots. You don't completely ignore the person who got there first. It's not the way things work in a civilized society.

Maybe I'm invisible. I never thought of that. Maybe I have a magical power that enables me to go sight unseen to my fellow patrons. If I knew how to harness that power, I could avoid a lot of unpleasant encounters with people I don't feel like talking to. Or maybe these line cutters are just WAAAAAAAAY more important than me. They can tell just by looking at me. They see me and think, my needs are far more pressing than this young woman's, even though she got here first. Screw her...I'm getting my bread before her!

I'm not sure I believe in karma, but in times like this I hope it exists. Then these line cutters might find themselves in a rush and unable to get service. They'll get stuck in that line behind the really slow grocery store cashier and the customer who hasn't updated to debit cards and therefore is painstakingly filling out a personal check. Or they'll be behind that customer who picked the one item without a price tag, and the cashier has to call in a price check. But alas, these people will just get mad for having to wait, and feel as though an injustice has been done to THEM...they won't know it's their punishment for being crappy and cutting me in line. Sigh.

I wish I was as important as these people, so I could walk in front of other people and get service first. Maybe someday. A girl can dream...

People Who Have Already Seen It

My roommate and I have this ongoing tv-watching struggle. If she's already seen an episode of something, she likes to guide my viewing of it. "Watch this part," or "this scene is important," or "you're not watching and you're going to miss something big!" It bothers me for multiple reasons. First of all, I don't like being told what to do. My immediate reaction is to rebel against any strict directives and do the exact opposite. You're telling me to watch, then I'm specifically NOT going to watch. I don't respond well to orders. So take that!

Second, when people do that, it ruins the natural flow of the show. If something big is going to happen, I want it to be a surprise. I don't want to brace myself for it. It ruins the suspense or the unexpected nature of the scene And sometimes I don't think it was a particularly important part, and then I'm let down. It's just all around badness.

Also, if I already AM watching, then why tell me to "watch this part?" Is there a way for me to watch better? Should I put on my glasses, or sit up straighter, or hold my breath, or sit on the edge of the couch? And if I'm not watching "closely enough," isn't that my prerogative? Maybe I'll miss something, maybe I won't. How I choose to watch a show is really no one else's business.

She claims that I deserve it, because I guess once I accidentally ruined a movie for her by telling her I didn't like this one character, so the whole time she knew the guy was going to turn out to be a jerk. I have apologized, but she is apparently never going to forgive me.

So I guess due to my slip-up, I will forever have to endure the "you aren't paying attention" and this is an important part." Well, at least until January, when I move out. I will miss my roommate dearly, but I will not miss watching television with her. Or her love of cooking stinky fish, but that is another blog post. :)

Red Hot Hand Raisers

Remember when you were in elementary school, and there was that kid (or kids) whose hand would shoot up in the air, and he would wave wildly, and make noises like "ooh, ooh, me me me!!!" Do you also remember how you wanted to sock that kid in the face? Well, my several hours at a legal conference today prove that some things, or people, never change.

I realize that this is very close to my earlier post, Any Questions? However, that post focused on people who ask a question with 5 minutes left in class or in a meeting. This post is about those few people who either think their questions are way more important than anyone else's, or simply have a Narcissus-like obsession with the sound of their own voice.

Today during presentations from the various speakers, the same 3 people would raise their hands. You knew who the Red Hots were in the first 15 minutes, because not only did they ask multiple questions, but the did so in the MIDDLE of the speaker's presentation. That leads to the first obnoxious tactic of Red Hots: asking questions prematurely, before giving the speakers a chance to do their thing, prompting the response, "I'm going to get to that in just a moment." Here's a novel idea...how about holding off on your question until the END? Then if it isn't covered, ask away. Saves us all time. I know it's a radical concept, but think it over.

Then there is obnoxious tactic #2: asking a question that is applicable to the asker only. It is always an ultra-specific question, which takes a long time to ask and even longer to answer. Meanwhile, the rest of us get nothing out of it, the speaker is delayed in their presentation, and the Red Hot unfairly benefits at our expense. "Um, I have this creally unique case about this particular party who did this very random thing, and I am writing this groundebreaking argument, and I was wondering what the court would think..." Buddy...wait until after and speak to this person alone, or give them a phone call, or send them an email. But don't waste the whole room's time with your own personal query. This is an informative conference, not a strategy session.

Obnoxious tactic #3 is the non-question masquerading as a question. The person takes a statement and asks it in a question-like tone. Or maybe they add some innocuous question to the end to validate their raising their hand. "I always do such and such when I write legal arguments. Do courts like that?" Red Hot clearly just wanted kudos from the speaker for his exemplary writing practices, or for the rest of the room to know just how amazing his legal writing is. What's amazing is that there was enough space in the conference room for the speaker, the participants, and that guy's ego.

So here's a good test: if you're at a large conference where few people know each other, and by the end of it the speaker knows your name, then you're a Red Hot. And the strange feeling you're experiencing, that sensation of prickly hot electricity on the back of your head, is likely the angry stares the rest of the participants are shooting at you as they wish you would shut up. Not only do you waste time and irritate the rest of us, but you prevent people with real, useful questions from being heard. You're like a living, breathing, irritating Hoover vacuum...you aren't efficient, and you suck.