Bathroom Blabbers

Men like to tease women by telling us we all HAVE to go to the bathroom together. For me, this could not be farther from the truth. I suffer from a pretty intense case of stage fright. If someone is in the bathroom, I absolutely CANNOT go. I know I am not alone in this.

I hate when I walk into a bathroom and someone is in there. Multiple people is better, because there are so many noises in there that no one sits there and listens to you...you know, GO. But when it is just me and one other person, I sit there paralyzed. I am aware that they can hear everything I am doing. I freeze. I can't go. I try to do long division in my head (someone once told me that'll do it...sometimes it works). I count the tiles on the floor. I sit there and worry that the other person thinks I am having bathroom "issues" and that is why I am sitting silently in my stall. That fear just makes it worse. Usually I have to wait until they leave. It is very inconvenient.

But hey, usually it is some random stranger who only knows what my shoes look like, so who cares? Well it isn't always a stranger. Sometimes a friend or a coworker goes in there with you. That makes it ten thousand times worse. Because if they think you are having bathroom issues, then they will think it about it every time they see you for the rest of the day, maybe longer. Then it's REALLY impossible to go.

Alright, all that is bad enough. But then there are the people who TALK TO YOU WHILE YOU ARE GOING. Somehow these people are able to do their business through ANYTHING. How can you go to the bathroom while someone is chit-chatting with you??? I personally cannot. If I'm having a friendly conversation, nothin' else is happenin', you know what I mean?

The other day I was in a meeting with another attorney who I am somewhat intimidated by. Much to my dismay, when I got up to use the restroom, she decided she had to go, too. She talked to me about the law as we walked in, both sat in the stalls, while SHE went, and while I sat there frozen. I couldn't even think about actually using the bathroom until after she left. She stayed in there talking to me for a bit. I wanted to DIE. Eventually she left. I dread to imagine what she must have thought was going on in there. Damn you, stage fright.

Anyway, there are many places where it is appropriate to have a conversation, but the bathroom is not really one of them. Unless you are washing your hands, or applying lipstick in the mirror, or something along those lines, lay off the bathroom banter. I CAN'T GO IF YOU ARE TALKING TO ME. If I know someone well enough, I will tell them, "Hey, I don't mean to be rude, but I can't go if you're in here talking to me." But if I don't know someone that well, I have to sit there mortified about what they must be thinking while my "need to go" refuses to materialize. My rule: "if you're exposing bare butt, keep your mouth shut." Easy to remember. So lock those lips in the lavatory people. I don't need the stress!