Trader Joe's

Don't get me wrong...I LOVE Trader Joe's. I love Joe's food. I love his prices. I love his business model. But as with most relationships, my relationship with Joe is complicated. And we all know that the people you love can hurt you the most. Trader Joe is no exception. EVERY time I go to visit Joe, it is always an ORDEAL. It can never just be simple and easy. Joe is the quintissential stereotype of a frustrating male. Behold the overwhelming evidence:

1) It is impossible to find parking. Thankfully I live in walking distance now. But if I want to stop by on the way home from work, not really an option. Typical man...plays hard to get.

2) It is always PACKED. No exceptions. No matter what time of day, no matter what day of the week, it is packed. You can't get through the aisles, you can't get to the food, and forget about getting to the free samples. Typical man...not easily accessible.

3) Most, but not all, of the people who shop there are obnoxious. Most shoppers are pretentious, bourgie, judgmental, insert other upper-middle-class-Bay-Area stereotype here. I feel like I'm being judged every time I pick something off the shelf. I got some looks today when I picked up a 6-pack of soda (OMG...do you know how much SUGAR is in that? Yes, I do...that is why it is delicious.). I don't like to be judged based on what I put in my basket. Typical male...makes you feel self-conscious and judged, and you don't like his friends.

4) TJ's always runs out of my favorite items. At least a few things on my list are ALWAYS out of stock. Likely because they are highly popular...okay, then ORDER MORE. Keep those shelves stocked! He gets me hooked on these delicious items like chicken sausage calzone, or cornmeal crust pizza. Then he withholds them, leaving me unsatisfied and wanting more. Typical male...plays mind games and has poor planning skills.

5) You have to wait FOREVER to check out. This is also without exception. The lines are always looooong and the cashiers are often slow and sometimes borderline incompetent. Today the woman in front of me had $280 worth of groceries. She needed two carts. That is a LOT of groceries. There was no one to bag, and she didn't dare lift a finger. So I have to sit there while the cashier rings up $280 worth of groceries AND bags it all by himself. Then he stopped in the middle to tie a balloon around the woman's daughter's wrist. Um, sir...let the mom tie the balloon, you just keep doing your job. Then a bag ripped and instead of picking it up and putting the entire ripped bag into an unripped bag, he transferred each item, one by one, into a new bag. IT TOOK FOREVER. Meanwhile my blood pressure is going up and I'm about to lose it. Don't make me wait, Joe! Stop paying so much attention to other women! Typical male...makes you wait and makes you jealous.

Alright, so Joe has many qualities of a typical male that are extremely obnoxious. But he is also close by, can offer a wide variety of wonderful items, and provides much-needed sustenance. And even after the drama, you are left with bags full of deliciousness that last for days. Even as we speak, I am dipping my pita chips into Joe's hummus, enjoying every crunchy, hummus-y bite, and feeling a bit euphoric.

So in sum, maybe my relationship with Trader Joe is unhealthy and thrives on dramatic highs and lows. But at the end of the day, I'll take that drama if it gets me some hummus. I love you, Joe. I always will.