Catalogs, Catalogs, Catalogs

It's 2009. I know that some people are still disputing the existence of global warming, but does ANYONE dispute the contention that we need to conserve trees? Gone are the days where we use paper with abandonment. There are recycling bins next to nearly every trash can in every office across America. We recycle paper in our homes (hopefully). We sign up for paperless billing, and email or scan documents when we don't need hard copies. So WHY, in this age of conservation and recycling, do I still get SO MANY DAMN CATALOGS IN THE MAIL???

They are like viruses. You usually get one from buying something from the company. And you get it every month. Then somehow you get catalogs from companies somewhat similar to the company from which you bought something. Sometimes I will get not one, but TWO catalogs from the EXACT same company each month. Same name, same address...but two copies. You get copies of catalogs from people who once lived there but moved long ago. And once you get them once, you get them FOREVER.

Rarely rarely rarely do I enjoy receiving a catalog. If I want to shop, I'll go to the store or go online. And yet the catalogs keep comin'. It's especially annoying because a lot of the time I get catalog from a gift I bought for someone. It wasn't for ME. I don't like the crap your company sells! Stop sending me catalogs for Christian books! That ONE book I bought 4 years ago was for my mother, not me! I don't want to even look at your junk, nevermind BUY it. It feels like I'm being punished. I gave your company my money! I stimulated the economy! So stop punishing me by inundating me with useless refuse!

Today my mail box was crammed full of those circulars from the local grocery store and drug store. My real mail didn't even fit in there. AND I got circulars a few days ago from the same places. How many circulars does one person need? I don't even read them! My recycling bin is full of catalogs and circulars that I don't give a crap about. So much wasted paper. So many wasted trees.

I propose criminal sanctions for catalog abuse. Assault by catalog! Don't send us catalogs unless we ask for them! Or email us instead! Or make it really easy to get unsubscribed from your dumb catalog mailing list. Like the "Do Not Call" list. Is there a "Do Not Mail" list somewhere?

So Crate and Barrel, J.Crew, Pottery Barn, and anything related to Christian books...please leave me, my mail box, and my recycling bin alone. We just want to be environmentally responsible, and you're ruining it. You and your dumb glossy pages...

P.S. I apologize for all of the exclamation points. Catalogs just make me really, really angry.

Ridiculous Baby Names

What do Hermes, the Greek messenger god, Bronx, the New York City burrough, and Kal-el, Superman's birth name, all have in common? They are all names that jackass celebrities imposed on their poor, defenseless babies. (Names chosen by Kelly Rutherford, Ashlee Simpson/Pete Wentz, and Nicholas Cage, respectively).

What is it with celebrities? Who do they think they are? "Oh, I'm famous so I can name my kid after an adverb." (Milla Jovovich's child: Ever.) "I'm so important, I will name my child after a bluegrass instrument." (Rachel Griffiths' child: Banjo.) "Let's be quirky and name our kid after itself." (David Duchovny and Tea Leoni's child: Kyd.)

Some are just outright WEIRD, or incredibly childish: Spec Wildhorse, child of singer John Cougar Mellencamp and model Elaine Irwin; Audio Science, child of sort-of celebrity Shannyn Sossamon; Pilot Inspektor, child of Jason Lee. Then there's director Robert Rodriguez, of El Mariachi and Desperado fame, who decided to have a whole slew of strangely named children: Rocket, Racer, Rebel, and Rogue Rodriguez. (Note that I keep saying "child" rather than boy or girl. It's because for the vast majority of these children, I have no idea what the sex of the child is based on the name alone.)

I guess they think they're being creative? Most of the time it's just obnoxiously pretentious. And these are children of celebrities! As though they aren't going to stick out enough in life. Why not ensure that they will never, ever have a normal life by naming them after a tree? (Pine: the child of Duran Duran's Simon LeBon.) Or make sure your kid is mocked incessantly by making up a word that means nothing but contains something you pick out of your nose. (Tabooger: from MTV's Dan Cortese.)

I used to be upset when I was a kid because no one spells "Meghan" with an "h," because I could never buy anything personalized, like pencils or stickers or those tiny license plate crappy things. Everything always spelled my name "Megan." I felt so left out...if only my name was "Melissa" or "Jennifer." Imagine trying to find a tiny license plate that says "Moxie Crimefighter?" (child of magician/reality contestant Penn Jillette.)

And of course it isn't just celebrities. Non-celebrity mere mortals do it, too. As a teacher, I used to see some real gems. A boy named Everlasting. A girl named Tequila. And I used to feel bad for the kid in my class named William Williams...

Let's call this what it is: child abuse. You are effectively relegating your child to a life of taunts and ridicule, all so you can feel "unique." It's incredibly selfish. Do you ever stop and think of how this child will feel with the name Zolten? (Another Penn Jillette gem.) Let's just hope these parents don't spend the rest of their child's life putting their own random whims over the best interests of their child.

P.S. And the winner for the child name that is SO bad it's actually kind of awesome: Jermajesty, child of Jermaine Jackson.

Unabashed Nudity

Let me begin by apologizing about the delay in posting. There were the holidays, then I moved, then I just wasn't feeling inspired. But today in the gym locker room, as I was surrounded by 4 naked ladies well into their 60s, inspiration found me.

I get it...locker rooms are for nudity. You change into your workout clothes, you shower, you get dressed for the outside world. Each of these acts require being naked. And no, you should not have to cover yourself up at every turn or be ashamed of your body. It's only women in the locker room, that's what they're for, it's freeing to not care, blah blah blah.

But there is naked, and there is NAKED. It's the difference between walking naked from the shower to the changing area...and sitting naked on a bench, legs spread wide, having a lengthy conversation with someone. I understand necessary nudity. I just don't understand the "zero modesty whatsoever" policy. It's...for lack of a better word...awkward to be around someone completely nude for an extended period of time. It's awkward to see them drying off their hair while their everything jiggles and shakes. Call me a jerk, but I just don't need to see a woman old enough to be my grandmother bent over putting on lotion. (Shudder)

Mike has to work out at the same gym as his professors. And inevitably, he's had to run into them as they've exited the shower. He's sadly been forced to endure several conversations with professors in the buff. So he basically has to stand there and speak with his superiors, all the while pretending he isn't in close proximity to soggy old man junk.

I suppose locker room nakedness is a necessary evil. And maybe I'm just a prude. Maybe when I'm 60-something I'll stroll around in my birthday suit with reckless abandonment. But until then, I'm mastering the art of lightning fast clothes changing. I want to spend as little time in that flesh fest as possible.

Roddy B.

Today, Rod Blagojevichonovskiwitz defiantly announced he has no plans to step down, saying "I will fight until I take my last breath." He maintains his innocence. The accusations are false, of course. He apparently did not attempt to sell Obama's senate seat to the highest bidders. Apparently aaaaaaallllll those recordings from wiretapped calls are just lies perpetuated by a "political lynch mob."

Roddy B...put a fork in it, you're DONE. Your entire state legislature voted 113-0 to assemble an impeachment committee. The evidence against you is overwhelming...that gun isn't just smokin', it's on FIRE. You have fallen from political grace in what is being called one of the biggest government scandals ever. You have ruined your name and brought shame to your state. It's O-V-E-R.

But does Blahblahblah accept this as fact? Nope. He has decided instead to force the poor people of Illinois to engage in a drawn out, ugly, EXPENSIVE battle to oust him. That's just what the state needs after its governor has completely f-ed it...to waste precious resources in this terrible economy. Nice governing, buddy.

Blagagablah should take a cue from Spitzer. He owned what he did and quickly stepped down. I by no means think Spitzer is an exemplar, but at least he didn't insist on keeping his position when he was caught redhanded. Blago-go-gadget-arms...have you learned nothing from other obviously guilty politicians who put up a fight? Look at Sen. Stevens, for example. He vehemently insisted on innocence...and was found guilty of SEVEN felony counts and lost his seat. And then there's Sen. Craig, who admitted guilt but is now recanting. He's looking even more like a damn fool every day, all the while dragging his family through the nastiness. NO ONE believes these men are innocent, and no one ever did. They are delusional megalomaniacs who cling to futile hopes of maintaining their power while assuring their places in history as utterly despicable jokers.

So RB, I beg you...save your breath for worthier battles than your unsalvageable career. You have pounded the final nail in your political coffin. You're going down no matter what. There's no need to drag the entire state of Illinois down with you.

The Dolce Commercial

I know I have previously mentioned that one of my dream jobs would be some sort of "tv commercial czar," where I could nix commercials that are stupid, crude, pointless, offensive, obnoxious, etc. This dream has recently been reignited by the Canon commercial starring tennis star Maria Sharapova and her little dog, Dolce.

You must have seen this commercial because they play it about 48 times per day. In the commercial, Maria and Dolce are stopped multiple times as they tool around town by people wielding Canon cameras. They ask permission to take a picture...Maria assumes they must want to take a picture of her, the gorgeous pro athlete. But no, they all want to take a picture of her Toto-like dog, Dolce. Apparently he/she is a VERY cute dog.

And the premise is cute...at first. But the scenario happens like, 4 times in the commercial. Every single time, Maria is shocked that the intrusive photographers want a picture of her dog. "I'm over here," she says. Honey...if it KEEPS happening, why are you still so surprised? Your dog is cute, people want to photograph it, get over it. But no, she's taken aback anew with each instance. Poor Maria comes off as either self-absorbed and narcissistic, or just really dumb.

I know it is not Maria's fault...she is just performing the script that Canon gave her (and for which Canon is paying her the big bucks). She very well may be intelligent and modest. But the commercial does not cast her in a very positive light. In trying to sell a product that can capture memorable moments, the ad guys at Canon are clearly stuck in the dark room. (I know, laaaaaaame pun. I'm groaning, too...)

Exclamation Point Overuse

Have you ever received an email like this? "Hey!!! How are you?!! I am fine! I am having a great day! I haven't seen you in so long! My car is blue! It is Monday!"

You get the idea.

I can't stand overuse of exclamation points. Exclamation points are solely for things that actually deserve exclamation: "Watch out! Fire! I can't believe what Chuck wrote in his note to Blair!" They are NOT for routine declaratory sentences, such as: "I am hungry." or "We are out of milk." or "People who overuse exclamation points are obnoxious." After the second or third exclamation point in an email, they lose all impact. It is as if they disappear altogether.

Exclamation point abusers are the boys who cried wolf. One day, their overuse will come back to bite them. They will have something that really, truly deserves emphasis, and they will use an exclamation point properly. But we won't notice. We will read the sentence in a completely normal way, with no emphasis whatsoever...and there will be DISASTROUS consequences. Damn you, overusers! (Note the proper use of an exclamation point at the end of this post).

Backseat Drivers

I have to begin this post with an admission. Last week while driving back from my dad's house for Thanksgiving, I was an egregious backseat driver. I had to go to the bathroom (shocker), and did not feel as though Mike was driving sufficiently fast enough to get me to a rest stop. He was taking a right turn while a large Mack truck was approaching fast. I said "watch out for that truck!" And what was Mike's reaction? Did he know exactly what I was talking about and thus speed up to get out of the intersection safely and avoid the truck? Of course not...I scared the crap out of him and he hit the brakes.

If I had said nothing, Mike would have made his turn just fine, the very large truck would not have hit us, and we would be on our way. But instead, we both freaked out, then he had to slam on the gas to finish his turn, the enormous Mack truck whizzed by us, and our hearts were still pounding by the time we got to the rest stop. I'm still apologizing for it.

That's about the normal reaction of backseat driving. Someone says "watch out" and your initial instinct is to slam on the brakes while your stomach does a few cartwheels and your heart leaps out of your chest. It is far MORE dangerous then whatever minor traffic condition the backseat driver was trying to warn you of. Unless there is, in fact, something directly in front of you that the driver is going to crash into in a mere moment, then zip your lip. An example of when it's ok: a few weeks ago I got so excited about a legal brief while I was driving my boss to lunch that I would have crashed into a stopped car in front of me if he didn't scream for me to stop. Now THAT was appropriate backseat driving. But for the rest of you, close your eyes and say a few Hail Marys if you have to, but for the love...don't unnecessarily scare the bejeezus out of the person operating a potentially deadly vehicle!!

Besides being extremely dangerous, backseat driving is also SUPER irritating. "That car up there is coming to a stop," "Look out for that guy turning," "I think this person is about to change lanes." Um, yeah...I passed my driver's test when I was freaking 16. I am aware of the cars around me, I don't need a running narrative of my environment. And what do these backseat drivers think happens when they aren't in the car without their sage guidance? Do they think you just speed around willy nilly, carelessly bashing into cars left and right? All because the backseat driver isn't there to explain the nuances of traffic patterns around you? The answer is no, backseat driver. We all do just fine. If someone actually DOES drive that piss poorly, then it's safe to say you shouldn't be in the car with them anyway. And besides, there are people whose job it is to monitor motorists. They are called police.

In sum, barring an emergency, there is no excuse for backseat driving. It is irritating and dangerous. If you don't like someone's driving, then you have two choices: keep your mouth shut, or don't get in the car with them. Or if you really feel a burning desire to tell people how to drive, then teach Driver's Ed.

Oh, and Mike: I'm still sorry about the truck incident. It won't happen again, or you can forbid me from talking in your car. You have it here in writing...