Global Warming Deniers

The other day I had to delete one of my Facebook "friends" after the convenient Notifications feed informed me she had recently joined a group called Against the Global Warming Myth. There is no way, no how that I will associate myself with someone who denies the truth that is global warming. She was just some random high school acquaintance, anyway, so no big loss. But it sure did make me MAD.

It ab-so-lute-ly BAFFLES me when people deny global warming. "It's not that the earth isn't getting warmer," they say, "but it's just that human activity isn't contributing to it." They point to historical trends of heating and cooling, and say that these cycles are normal. They then say that they don't support pollution and do support alternative energy...um, okay...but then what's your problem with the global warming theory??

I really, really don't understand the logic. What is so deeply offensive about the notion that our actions have an impact on the planet? What in the world (no pun intended) do you gain by insisting that no matter how wasteful you are, no matter how many toxic fumes you emit, it is in no way your fault or responsibility that average temperatures are getting higher and polar bears are dying? I mean, other than wanting to justify your need to be wasteful and intense desire to pollute...WHAT is your PROBLEM??

They say it's all some BIG conspiracy concocted by scientists to scare us all into action. Oh NO! GOD forbid we all start being more responsible!! Terrorist threats are nothing compared to the disgusting lies these so-called scientists are feeding us to trick us into caring about cleaner/alternative fuel sources and preserving nature. How can these scientists SLEEP at night, knowing the deplorable propaganda they are perpetuating??

Okay, sarcasm aside...what's funny is that they criticism the scientists who tout the "global warming myth," but then point to scientific trends of heating and cooling cycles. Oh, I see...science is good if YOU say it is. That's some solid logic right there.

And forgive me if I'm wrong, but it seems that the Global Warming Deniers are often affiliated with the Christian religion. There's another thing I do not at all understand. Oil companies, corporations...I understand why they would deny global warming. But Christians? I mean, I grew up having to study the Bible...I'm not ignorant about the religion. I just don't see how God would be opposed to the notion that human activity is destroying the Earth He created. The Bible doesn't say to rape and pillage the planet in one big wasteful orgy. Seriously...I'm incredulous. I really wish someone would explain to me why the FACTUALLY SOUND phenomenon known as global warming is so offensive to Christianity (and others).

So yeah...Global Warming Deniers DRIVE ME NUTS. Because it is not only ignorant and selfish, but it is extremely dangerous and frightening. I am deeply scared by such ideology, especially now that there's an actual chance that a Global Warming Denier will end up in the White House. That's a lot more difficult to erase than a Facebook contact.

Pointing Out the Obvious

Alright, so it drives me CRAZY when people point out the obvious. First of all, because, well, it's OBVIOUS. But secondly, because they usually do it in a way that suggests they don't KNOW it's obvious, but that they are saying something you REALLY need to know. As if they are imparting some great wisdom on you. Which is super condescending, because it assumes you were too dumb to think of it or know it yourself.

Let me give you an example: When I was applying to law school, people would frequently say "law school costs a lot of money, you know." OH...it DOES??? I thought it was FREE?? I mean, I didn't actually do any research into the costs of attending law school, I just applied without ANY knowledge of my financial responsibilities! Thank you SO much, Pointer-Outer of the Obvious!

Or like the time my phone company sent me a letter saying I didn't pay my bill, but I had paid it, and I had proof of said payment. My friend says to me, "you really should call your phone company and tell them you already paid it." BRILLIANT! That is what I should do! Thank GOODNESS you told me, because otherwise I would have just paid it twice, or sat here confused, banging my head on my desk. I hadn't ever thought to CALL them and TELL them. Whew! Disaster averted.

Okay, so I'm kind of a sarcastic jerk. But do people think before they speak? OBVIOUSLY I know that law school costs a lot of money, and obviously I'm going to call my phone company when they bill me in error. It ain't rocket science. It's like saying George W. is a moron, or Sarah Palin is a terrifying prospect to be VP...who doesn't know that??? (Sadly, apparently the midwest and much of the South...come on, people! Vote Obama!!!)

I suppose that people want to feel relevant, and their pointing out the obvious might stem from a good place...they want to be helpful, or want to engage in the conversation with you. And perhaps they have to state the obvious because they don't know much about the topic themselves. So I suppose I can be a bit more gracious in the future.

But for those people who aren't pointing out the obvious with good intentions -- those people who are actually condescending, and treat me like I'm a moron, and act all superior for no good reason -- the next time you point out the obvious, I may just have to point out the obvious in return...that you're an asshole.

Dogs That Bark in the Night

There is a woman who lives next to me who has a dog named Rodney. I have never actually met the woman who lives next to me, nor have I ever met her dog. How do I know there is a woman who lives next to me who has a dog named Rodney? Because almost every day, I hear "yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip" then "RODNEY!!!" then "yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip" then "RODNEY! SHUT UP, RODNEY!! then "yip-yip-yip-yip-yip" then "YOU SHUT UP NOW, RODNEY!!" I don't know which is more irritating...Rodney's incessant yipping, or his owner's shrill attempts to shut him up. Does she think Rodney can actually understand her? And if Rodney's every yip annoys the ever-loving crap out of her, then why own a dog in the first place?

But at least she tries to shut Rodney up. And to be fair, Rodney's barking usually stops before 10 p.m. There is nothing worse than a barking dog in the middle of the night. You are just about to fall asleep, or maybe you just fell asleep...and then the dog starts barking. And it's never for a short period of time...the dog will bark for no less than 3o minutes. And it's never a yippy dog, like Rodney. It's a dog with a deep bark that penetrates even the soundest of slumbers. The dog wakes up everyone in the neighborhood, except (conveniently) it's owner. The owner seems to be immune, as he or she does nothing to shut the dog up. They don't get out of bed. They don't yell at the dog to be quiet (like my darling neighbor). They don't bring the dog inside to sleep. They leave the dog outside to bark its irritating heart out.

Years ago, I was an elementary school teacher. During my first year of teaching, I not only had to adjust to being out the door by 6:30 a.m., but I also had no idea what I was doing. I would come home beaten and bruised by another rough day, with sleep my only refuge. At about 11 p.m. the dog next door would start at it. Then again at 2 a.m. Then again at 4. Every night, without fail. The owners never did a damn thing about it. The barking almost drove me over the edge. I had fantasies of buying a gun and shooting it in the middle of the night. And no, I am not an animal hater...but it was like some type of psychological torture. Repetitive, obnoxious, sleep-depriving, cacophonous torture. I also thought about filing a complaint with the city, but I decided to move instead. My life was much better in my far-better-insulated apartment.

What I don't understand about these nocturnal barkers is what the hell is going on with their owners?? Teach your dog not to bark all night! Or get up when it barks and stop it somehow. Or make it sleep inside. Or if none of these things work, don't have a dog...you don't deserve one. Some of us are able to control our pets, or some of us choose to not have pets because we don't feel like waking up in the middle of the night, every single night. And yet these incompetent, selfish pet-owners expose their neighbors to the worst part of dog-owning without any of the benefits. Why don't you just let your dog pee on my carpets while you're at it?

Dogs deserve a home where their owner cares enough to do what it takes to keep them from barking all night long. And those of us within earshot deserve an uninterrupted night of sleep. The world is a much nicer, more peaceful place when people are well rested. I mean, I haven't had gun-owning fantasies since I moved away from the barking dog from hell. (Although now I'm having nightmares about gun-owning VP's...sigh...)

Bad Air Travel Behavior and the Not So Friendly Skies

Last week I had to fly from San Francisco to Baltimore and back. That is four flights in all, about 8 hours each way. Now, as much as I could go on and on about the problems with commercial airlines, that is not what this post is about. I will not complain about how the airline charged me not only to book the ticket, but to check a bag, and even to CHOOSE my seat ahead of time (and yes, middle seats cost the same as window and aisle seats). Not to mention the airline no longer carries pillows or blankets and did NOT show a movie on the 5-hour leg, nor was any food available for purchase. No, my friends...this post is about my fellow air travelers and how they are rude, selfish, and clueless. As if being crammed into a stuffy germ box for hours on end wasn't bad enough...

Bad Air Travel Behavior #1: Boarding the Plane

We've all been there...the gate person announces Zone 5 can board, and there is a mad dash amongst Zone 5 ticket holders to be the first in line. They all hover around the gate, waiting for the announcement, chomping at the bit. Apparently, it's really important to be first on the plane so you can spend the most possible time on the oh-so-comfortable plane and fully enjoy your lack of legroom. I mean, the only legitimate reason for this jumping of the gun might be if you are worried there will not be enough room in the overhead compartment for your luggage. But I swear, there is ALWAYS enough room for overhead stowage. They find a way to make your crap fit. So if that is your only reason, then you don't have a leg to stand on.

So the gate person calls Zone 5, and I casually stroll into line, so as not to be trampled by the rush. Some guy decides that he absolutely MUST get onto the plane before me, despite the fact that I got into line first. He devises this tricky plan. Instead of standing BEHIND me, he stands NEXT to me. Then every time the line moves, he takes a tiny step in front of me. When it is time to hand over your ticket, he steps right in front of me and boards first. Smooth move, buddy. For no discernable reason whatsoever, you successfully cut off the passenger who got in line first so that you could be in your seat 3 seconds earlier...you WIN.

Bad Air Travel Behavior #2: On the Plane

Okay, so a 5-hour flight is a long time to sit in silence. Sometimes you might want to strike up a conversation with your neighbor. I have met some delightful people on long flights, including this reporter for the L.A. Times several years ago who recommended some amazing books to me and pointed out that John Edwards was in first class. But sometimes I want to just be left the hell alone. Like last night. I had a really good book and I was really into it, and I did not want to chat.

Guy next to me wasn't down with that. He kept talking to me. He offered me half of his salad. Um...no thanks. He asked me where I was going. He asked me what I did for a living. He offered me a ride home from the airport (even though I told him my boyfriend was picking me up). He tried to carry my bag off the plane. Now, I know he was trying to be nice...but read the social cues, buddy! I was giving you one-word, curt responses and continually looking back to my book. Message: I don't want to chat!! And it's not like I can change seats or get off the plane. So when people are annoying, or worse, creepy, you're a captive audience. You are at their mercy. It's just not fair. I wish there were divider screens, like in limos. Or you should be able to hit your call button and say, "excuse me, Flight Attendant...can you please bring this passenger a clue? Or a muzzle?"

Bad Air Travel Behavior #3: Getting Off the Plane

I've always been amused at how the second the fasten seatbelt sign turns off when you are parked at the gate, everyone stands up. It sucks if you have to go to the bathroom...good luck getting through the aisle. Anyway, it is common knowledge that people de-plane from the front to the back. Each aisle disembarks, and then the next aisle, and so on. It's not that difficult a concept.

WELL...on one of my flights to Baltimore and one of my flights back, rude passengers flagrantly disregarded this standard practice. People from the very back of the plane rudely pushed their way up the aisle, cutting off the people who were entitled to get off the plane first. The woman behind me, for example, bullied her way just far enough in front of me so I couldn't stand up and get my bag. And of course, it worked...she got off the plane before me...giving herself a 1-second advantage over me with her rudeness. Total crap. You let the people in front of you get off first, THEN you get off. You don't flout the rules for your own convenience.

In sum, I love how everyone thinks their time is more important than everyone else's. It's especially amusing because such rudeness doesn't even have a very big payoff. Maybe airlines are also charging extra for courtesy. I mean, if I have to pay to choose my seat in advance, a surcharge for a well-behaved neighbor might not be so far-fetched.

Miserable People: Part 2

My sister just got out of the hospital. In the past two weeks, she had been in 5 hospitals in 3 countries. She had surgery every day for the last 3 days. She is fine now, but things were pretty scary for a while there. I flew out from the west coast to be with her in the hospital. Now that she is okay, we are all QUITE relieved.

Today, the DAY after she was released from Johns Hopkins, we got some coffee at a crowded Panera Bread. We were extra happy, being that she is no longer in a hospital bed and I am no longer scared my sister is going to die. We are chatting and giggling away...when suddenly this nasty old woman gets up from the booth next to us, walks over, and starts yelling at us. She says, "I'm sorry, it's not my business, but you two are talking loudly, like you are on a cell phone. I can hear everything you are saying." She did NOT say it nicely. She scowled and scolded. Then she walked away. Multiple people looked at us like, did she REALLY just do that to you??? As soon as she sat down, I could hear every word she said. I could hear what most people were saying. It is a RESTAURANT. Not a library. People TALK in public restaurants.

This woman was clearly just a miserable person. If she really heard every word we were saying, then she would have heard us saying "You are so lucky the pulmonary embolism didn't kill you," and "I can't believe they had to operate on you for 3 straight days." Or if we truly were being excessively loud, then perhaps she could have politely asked us to be quieter. It's not like we were trying to be rude. We were celebrating life and sisterhood and togetherness. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe our joy was offensive to her Grinch-like demeanor.

My point is this...if you hate people and happiness, then STAY AT HOME. Misery has no place at Panera Bread.

Overly Aggressive Sales Persons

First of all...I'm BAAAAAAAAACK. I got caught up in the stressful countdown to the bar exam, and then once I slew that beast I had no more mental acuity left to be the competent blogger my readers deserve. I apologize for the stall-out. I foresee no other such stalls in the near future.

Okay, so right after the bar I headed off to Minneapolis for a wedding. It being my first time in the land of ten thousand lakes, I of COURSE had to go to the Mall of America, our nation's biggest, and arguably greatest mall. It was just as I had hoped...an amusement park in the middle (and not just a wimpy carousel...REAL intense rides that could force you to give back the fried foods you had gorged on in one of the many, many food courts), a whole Lego-land area, every store you can imagine, movies, clubs, etc. The best part was the people watching. We saw some of the best mullets I have ever seen, including a braided mullet. It was a BEAUTY.

Of course such a mall is filled with a sea of kiosks selling random crap you would never need in a million years. While Mike (my gentleman friend) was in a store, I foolishly decided to wait outside. No sooner did I cross my arms and assume a stationary stance did a man with a thick accent come rushing over. "May I ask you a question?" he says. Before I can answer, he says, "you are bee-yoo-tee-ful, but I can make you bee-yoo-tee-fuller." Hmmm...not actually a question, is it? Before I can even object he plunks me into a chair and starts running his fingers through my hair. I mean, that just wasn't fair. When someone touches my hair I slip into a coma and am powerless to resist. The next thing I know he is clipping hair extensions onto my skull. Many, many hair extensions.

What is amusing is that I have pretty thick hair. And it's not that short, either. I'm not exactly the prime candidate for hair extensions. As Mike put it, "trying to sell you hair extensions is like trying to push a boob job on someone with double D's." But the guy tried pretty damn hard, telling me it was 100% human hair, had a 5-year guarantee, and could be washed, cut, and dyed. He even pulled out a curling iron and adorned my noggin with several ringlets. By the time Mike came out and saw me, I looked like a show girl. All I needed was some sequins and tassels. But I was too amused to be mad.

Of course he waited until the very end to hit me with the price...a cool $530. I laughed out loud. I was like, dude, I owe the government $150K...I don't have $530, and if I did, it would not go to cheesy ass hair extensions that make me look like a high-class hooker at best. Does homeboy take it gracefully? Of course not. He actually got MAD. He was super pissy, as though I had taken advantage of him and wasted his time. Buddy...YOU grabbed me. YOU did not ask if I wanted you to put $530 worth of crap in my hair. YOU did not ask if I wanted you to then curl it. You didn't give me the price up front, I never showed interest...I felt like he had bought me a lobster dinner I didn't ask for and then expected me to put out. Sorry, my European friend...it didn't work in high school and it ain't gonna work now.

We've all been assaulted by someone pushing some product. Whether it be someone who wants you to try their lotion or taste their food samples...they force you to give in to their intense pressure and then act all wounded and insulted if you reject them. I once asked a woman at Bloomingdale's if they carried ONE certain type of perfume and the next thing I knew she AND her colleague were presenting me with 6 different boxed sets of perfumes and asking me which one I wanted. Um...NONE. I just was curious about ONE perfume. Quit with your product pushing, you wolves!

Us shoppers are timid creatures. We scare easy. We enter stores like little rabbits, sniffing the air for danger. Don't come bounding toward us with your fangs bared. I mean, I run away at the first hint of a pushy sales person. And it's their loss, because I might have otherwise bought something. I know you get commission and crap, but back off already! If I want your help, I'll freaking ask for it. A simple "can I help you with anything" will suffice. Shopping is not a contact sport!

And besides, don't these sales people know that no one likes an overeager suitor? Someone needs to give them a copy of The Rules...

Environmental Petition Bullies

For Taylor

You're walking down the street. You're probably pretty busy. You reach an intersection and wait for the light to change. You are then approached by someone with a clipboard. They want to talk to you about the environment. They only want "a moment of your time." They approach you with a comment such as, "Do you care about the earth?" Suggesting that if you do not stop and talk to them, you do not care about the earth. If you politely decline, they do not leave it at that. They press on, becoming more and more insistent that either you sign the petition, or you are personally responsible for the demise of baby polar bears in the North Pole. Poor little polar bears...

The light changes. If you are fortunate enough to get past this bully with a clipboard, you cross the street...and are confronting with yet ANOTHER bully with a clipboard. He or she is wearing a matching t-shirt. You look around...there is a bully with a clipboard at EVERY corner. You are surrounded! You are powerless to evade them. No matter which direction you approach the intersection from...be prepared for the inevitable clipboard in your face, threats of Armageddon if you don't stop to sign it, and precious minutes of your life irretrievably gone.

Don't get me wrong...I love the environment. I recycle. I try to conserve water. I walk or take public transportation whenever possible. I bring reusable bags to grocery store. But forgive me if I don't feel like talking to some peppy, privileged, self-important punk with a useless petition who is aggressive to the point of rude and utilizes guilt and blame to accomplish his or her purposes. How do they know I didn't sign the petition some other time? How do they know what kind of a person I am? Why do they feel entitled to tell me how and when I should contribute to environmental issues? And why is their time more important than my time?

If I want to hear about your cause, I'll stop and ask. Solicit my attention politely, and leave me the hell alone if I don't give it to you. And I don't have concrete data to back this up, but I'm pretty sure those hours spent harrassing passers-by could be far more effectively spent doing something like picking up trash. Or better yet, round up all your fellow petitioners, pack a few suitcases full of matching t-shirts, hop on a boat to the North Pole, and go live with the polar bears. Permanently.