Obliviousness to Your Fellow Waiters-in-Line

So I'm a pretty busy gal these days. I got my first job out of law school, and I've got lots and lots of work to do. Gone are the days when I'll take a long lunch to kill time. Some days I need all the minutes of work time I can get...so I often run across the street, grab a pre-made sandwich, and eat at my desk. A few days ago I had to finish writing a complaint by the end of the day. I headed over to get my lunch, grabbed a turkey sandwich...and then just stood there at the register. There was only one woman in front of me, but she was apparently unaware that she was not the only person in the place.

This woman was complaining about something that was wrong with an order she had made a week ago. The cashier was being very kind, and saying things like, "I'm so sorry, thanks for telling us, I'll make sure to speak to the owner when she returns." You'd think that would be the end of it. But no...the woman kept going on and on and on. "I'm so sorry to complain, but it's just that the food here is always so good, and I love the food here, and I was surprised that there was a problem, because the food is so good, and I feel bad for complaining," etc. etc. etc. The cashier kept saying the same thing: "I'm so sorry you had a problem, thanks for letting us know," etc. etc. etc. It was clear the conversation was O-V-E-R. But girlfriend wasn't having it. She decided it would be beneficial to have the conversation ad nauseum. Despite the fact that the cashier had acknowledged her, validated her, and promised to take action.

Meanwhile, I am just standing there, getting more and more frustrated by the minute. Lady...you're not at a customer service counter. You are monopolizing the SOLE cashier in a crowded place. As you go on and on unnecessarily, the queue is growing, and more people are being kept from work or their errands or eating their food. ALL I had to do was hand the cashier some money and get some change. That could be accomplished in 30 seconds. But instead, it took about 10 minutes. All she had to do was let it go after the first four times she repeated herself. Or even take a step to the side, and continue on repeating herself while I paid. But selfish lady didn't stop to think that other people existed, or that they might also want access to the cashier. That woman owes me 9 minutes and 30 seconds of my life that I will never get back.

The same thing happened to me last week at the gym. There is one water fountain in the cardio machine room. I work out in the morning, so I have very little time to work out, shower, and get to work on time. So I throw my magazine and towel on the treadmill and rush to fill my water bottle. But can I do that? Of course not. There is a woman standing in front of the water fountain, drinking her water, and reading a flyer on the wall. The flyer is to the left of the water fountain, so there was no need for her to block the fountain. But there she stood. Directly in my way. Drinking away, wasting my time.

I would like to know how these people are so talented at blocking out the world around them so that they don't notice they are sharing space with other living, breathing humans beings. I mean, that's a talent I wish I had. I wish I could block out the nutty people on the bus, or the loud neighbors upstairs who play Rock Band at 1 am, or my boyfriend when he snores.

I mean think about it...if only I could possess this unique power of self-absorption. I would never have to give up my seat on the bus for an elderly person, or yield to pedestrians, and I could cut people in line with impunity, and steal parking spaces from people who got there first. But alas...I am plagued with a recognition that other people exist in the world, and that my actions impact these other people. Just another way my darned conscience stands in the way of my ultimate dream of complete callousness. Curses...foiled again!

Abuses of Power

Today as I walking to work, I stepped cautiously into the crosswalk across the street from the office. I looked both ways and noticed a police cruiser slowly approaching the crosswalk. I thought to myself, "He's far enough away and driving at a very slow speed...he'll stop for me to cross for sure. I mean, it's the LAW and he's a COP" But no. He did not stop. He drove right through. He even looked right at me as he did it. We all know that if I had been in the car and HE had been in the crosswalk, that would not have been acceptable driving behavior.

I was pretty irritated at the hypocrisy. It is the law to yield to pedestrians in crosswalks, and yet the law was completely disregarded by the person charged with enforcing it. But seeing as how the whole thing took about 30 seconds of my time, I let it go.

UNTIL about 2 minutes later, when he parked his car and began writing a ticket for a woman getting money from the ATM next to my office. Even through the closed door, I could hear the argument. The woman ran back to her car (which was apparently illegally parked, though I couldn't tell how) and began pleading her case: "I was only parked for a minute, I just needed to get money, there is no one else on the road, I'm so sorry." The cop was unmoved. He said, "What if EVERYONE just stops for one minute to get money?" And he gave her a ticket. If I was less of a wimp, I would have gone outside and said, "And what if EVERYONE fails to yield to pedestrians in a crosswalk?" But I didn't. Instead I sat there and got mad.

We all have a story about a police officer being a big hypocrite. They get to break the rules while harshly punishing the rest of us for even minor transgressions. I know that there are good, decent cops out there who keep us safe and make communities better. But there sure do seem to be a lot of them who get off on their badges and abuse their power at their own convenience, or even for their own entertainment. Sure, some people really deserve a ticket...but is the world really a better place if a woman pays a $50 ticket for stopping at an ATM on an empty street?

Abuses of power are just scary, whether it be by a man in blue or a man in a power suit or a man in a big white house. Sadly, it often seems like those who are most likely to abuse power are those most likely to be in positions of power. So I always give big props to those who wield their power fairly and wisely. I have high hopes that voters will soon be wielding their power fairly and wisely in November. Let's reward those who don't drive through crosswalks one second and ticket someone for a minor violation the next. Or else next time you might actually be IN the crosswalk when the cruiser doesn't stop...and you'll only have a $5,000 tax credit to pay for your medical bills.

Good Old Fashioned Gender Stereotypes in the Workplace

Much like Britney Spears was not a girl, not yet a woman, I am not a law student, not yet a lawyer. I'm in that strange limbo of having a job but waiting for my bar results. My only credential is as a Juris Doctor, but I am not yet an Esquire, and am not licensed to practice in the state of California.

That being said, I've completed my legal education and am doing work that is entirely lawyerly. Thus, I was quite put off when these two financial guys in suits came into the office today looking for the attorney I work for, and while they were waiting for him, asked me if I was the paralegal. Hmm...woman in a law office? Must be a paralegal!

Now, I know there are people out there rolling their eyes and thinking, oh relax and don't be so uptight...it was harmless. Ok...maybe it was an honest mistake. I mean, I was actually doing work, and everyone knows real lawyers don't actually do work. Or maybe it was because I have a desk right when you walk in, and everyone knows real lawyers have some fancy important office somewhere not right next to the door. But I think we all know that if my male colleague was sitting by the door working on the computer, they would not have said, "so, are you the paralegal?"

What kind of a question is that, anyway? You're here to talk to the attorney about finances...what is it to you what I do? Perhaps I'm extra reactive because during my first legal internship after my first year of law school, a deputy attorney general introduced himself to me and asked me if I was the new legal secretary. It really just pissed me off...because I'm sure every year around May or June they get a slew of legal interns. It makes FAR more sense that a new face around the office in May would be an intern than a legal secretary. And again...what are the chances he would have said that to a young male intern?

I know people are sick of hearing about sexism, and people are also quick to blame women for being oversensitive about it. But I doubt it would have been kosher for me to say, "no, I'm an associate...are you a frat boy fresh out of college who wears striped shirts out to the clubs on the weekends, shops exclusively at Abercrombie, and hopes to have a long career screwing people so you can be rich?" So even though it was probably true, I kept my mouth shut. Because I remember the old adages of basic human decency: Don't judge a book by its cover; treat people like you want to be treated; if you can only think of things to say that are rooted in outdated sexist stereotypes, say nothing at all, etc.

So boys, a piece of advice...if you are going to make small talk in a legal office, at least make it about something innocuous that doesn't include ridiculously antiquated notions of men as lawyers and women as legal secretaries and paralegals. Because in a few months when the bar results come in (God willing), I'll be a legitimate lawyer. And we all know the only thing scarier than a scorned woman is a scorned woman with a license to practice law.

Celebrities Getting Props for Post-Baby Bodies

The other day there was a headline in my little People feed that said "Jessica Alba's Secret for Losing the Baby Weight." You see headlines like this all the time, along with photos of Jessica in a bikini, or Angelina in a fitted evening gown, or Jennifer Garner looking all toned. Fans and media always seem to be SO impressed...HOW did these women DO it?? How did they lose the weight SO fast? How do they look SO good SO quickly after giving birth?? Then they print all these "weight-loss" tips for us normal people, presumably so we, too, can look that good post-baby.

There are always these ridiculous quotes, too: "I just worked really hard at it." Oh, so that's it! Because non-celebrity moms just sit on their fat baby-weight asses eating cake, right? Or: "I followed a strict diet of organic vegetables." Because we all have time and money to go to farmer's markets every other day and eat really healthy, sensible, balanced meals.

Let's be real...celebrities lose weight fast because it is their JOB to look good. They don't have to look good AND work at a bank, or look good AND be a lawyer. And they have MONEY, so they can afford to have a housekeeper, a personal chef, a personal trainer, a nanny, and anyone else to make their lives easier. If the rest of us could hire help, we could spend less time washing clothes with baby vomit on them and more time at the gym.

Insinuating that celebrities deserve some big kudos for losing baby weight quickly is irritating as hell. It also makes normal, non-rich people feel like crap about themselves because they are so overwhelmed with all of their responsibilities (for which they have little, if any, help), that they aren't able to focus a ton of time on their appearance. And then other people judge them...if Jessica Alba can do it, why can't YOU?

So yeah...I am just not that impressed by celebrity post-baby bodies. I've never actually given birth, but I suspect I will NOT be wearing a bikini a few weeks after I finally do pop one out. And I won't feel bad about it. In fact, I look FORWARD to it. I mean, how often can you carry around some extra weight and actually have a good excuse?? Pass me the cake!

Global Warming Deniers

The other day I had to delete one of my Facebook "friends" after the convenient Notifications feed informed me she had recently joined a group called Against the Global Warming Myth. There is no way, no how that I will associate myself with someone who denies the truth that is global warming. She was just some random high school acquaintance, anyway, so no big loss. But it sure did make me MAD.

It ab-so-lute-ly BAFFLES me when people deny global warming. "It's not that the earth isn't getting warmer," they say, "but it's just that human activity isn't contributing to it." They point to historical trends of heating and cooling, and say that these cycles are normal. They then say that they don't support pollution and do support alternative energy...um, okay...but then what's your problem with the global warming theory??

I really, really don't understand the logic. What is so deeply offensive about the notion that our actions have an impact on the planet? What in the world (no pun intended) do you gain by insisting that no matter how wasteful you are, no matter how many toxic fumes you emit, it is in no way your fault or responsibility that average temperatures are getting higher and polar bears are dying? I mean, other than wanting to justify your need to be wasteful and intense desire to pollute...WHAT is your PROBLEM??

They say it's all some BIG conspiracy concocted by scientists to scare us all into action. Oh NO! GOD forbid we all start being more responsible!! Terrorist threats are nothing compared to the disgusting lies these so-called scientists are feeding us to trick us into caring about cleaner/alternative fuel sources and preserving nature. How can these scientists SLEEP at night, knowing the deplorable propaganda they are perpetuating??

Okay, sarcasm aside...what's funny is that they criticism the scientists who tout the "global warming myth," but then point to scientific trends of heating and cooling cycles. Oh, I see...science is good if YOU say it is. That's some solid logic right there.

And forgive me if I'm wrong, but it seems that the Global Warming Deniers are often affiliated with the Christian religion. There's another thing I do not at all understand. Oil companies, corporations...I understand why they would deny global warming. But Christians? I mean, I grew up having to study the Bible...I'm not ignorant about the religion. I just don't see how God would be opposed to the notion that human activity is destroying the Earth He created. The Bible doesn't say to rape and pillage the planet in one big wasteful orgy. Seriously...I'm incredulous. I really wish someone would explain to me why the FACTUALLY SOUND phenomenon known as global warming is so offensive to Christianity (and others).

So yeah...Global Warming Deniers DRIVE ME NUTS. Because it is not only ignorant and selfish, but it is extremely dangerous and frightening. I am deeply scared by such ideology, especially now that there's an actual chance that a Global Warming Denier will end up in the White House. That's a lot more difficult to erase than a Facebook contact.

Pointing Out the Obvious

Alright, so it drives me CRAZY when people point out the obvious. First of all, because, well, it's OBVIOUS. But secondly, because they usually do it in a way that suggests they don't KNOW it's obvious, but that they are saying something you REALLY need to know. As if they are imparting some great wisdom on you. Which is super condescending, because it assumes you were too dumb to think of it or know it yourself.

Let me give you an example: When I was applying to law school, people would frequently say "law school costs a lot of money, you know." OH...it DOES??? I thought it was FREE?? I mean, I didn't actually do any research into the costs of attending law school, I just applied without ANY knowledge of my financial responsibilities! Thank you SO much, Pointer-Outer of the Obvious!

Or like the time my phone company sent me a letter saying I didn't pay my bill, but I had paid it, and I had proof of said payment. My friend says to me, "you really should call your phone company and tell them you already paid it." BRILLIANT! That is what I should do! Thank GOODNESS you told me, because otherwise I would have just paid it twice, or sat here confused, banging my head on my desk. I hadn't ever thought to CALL them and TELL them. Whew! Disaster averted.

Okay, so I'm kind of a sarcastic jerk. But do people think before they speak? OBVIOUSLY I know that law school costs a lot of money, and obviously I'm going to call my phone company when they bill me in error. It ain't rocket science. It's like saying George W. is a moron, or Sarah Palin is a terrifying prospect to be VP...who doesn't know that??? (Sadly, apparently the midwest and much of the South...come on, people! Vote Obama!!!)

I suppose that people want to feel relevant, and their pointing out the obvious might stem from a good place...they want to be helpful, or want to engage in the conversation with you. And perhaps they have to state the obvious because they don't know much about the topic themselves. So I suppose I can be a bit more gracious in the future.

But for those people who aren't pointing out the obvious with good intentions -- those people who are actually condescending, and treat me like I'm a moron, and act all superior for no good reason -- the next time you point out the obvious, I may just have to point out the obvious in return...that you're an asshole.

Dogs That Bark in the Night

There is a woman who lives next to me who has a dog named Rodney. I have never actually met the woman who lives next to me, nor have I ever met her dog. How do I know there is a woman who lives next to me who has a dog named Rodney? Because almost every day, I hear "yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip" then "RODNEY!!!" then "yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip" then "RODNEY! SHUT UP, RODNEY!! then "yip-yip-yip-yip-yip" then "YOU SHUT UP NOW, RODNEY!!" I don't know which is more irritating...Rodney's incessant yipping, or his owner's shrill attempts to shut him up. Does she think Rodney can actually understand her? And if Rodney's every yip annoys the ever-loving crap out of her, then why own a dog in the first place?

But at least she tries to shut Rodney up. And to be fair, Rodney's barking usually stops before 10 p.m. There is nothing worse than a barking dog in the middle of the night. You are just about to fall asleep, or maybe you just fell asleep...and then the dog starts barking. And it's never for a short period of time...the dog will bark for no less than 3o minutes. And it's never a yippy dog, like Rodney. It's a dog with a deep bark that penetrates even the soundest of slumbers. The dog wakes up everyone in the neighborhood, except (conveniently) it's owner. The owner seems to be immune, as he or she does nothing to shut the dog up. They don't get out of bed. They don't yell at the dog to be quiet (like my darling neighbor). They don't bring the dog inside to sleep. They leave the dog outside to bark its irritating heart out.

Years ago, I was an elementary school teacher. During my first year of teaching, I not only had to adjust to being out the door by 6:30 a.m., but I also had no idea what I was doing. I would come home beaten and bruised by another rough day, with sleep my only refuge. At about 11 p.m. the dog next door would start at it. Then again at 2 a.m. Then again at 4. Every night, without fail. The owners never did a damn thing about it. The barking almost drove me over the edge. I had fantasies of buying a gun and shooting it in the middle of the night. And no, I am not an animal hater...but it was like some type of psychological torture. Repetitive, obnoxious, sleep-depriving, cacophonous torture. I also thought about filing a complaint with the city, but I decided to move instead. My life was much better in my far-better-insulated apartment.

What I don't understand about these nocturnal barkers is what the hell is going on with their owners?? Teach your dog not to bark all night! Or get up when it barks and stop it somehow. Or make it sleep inside. Or if none of these things work, don't have a dog...you don't deserve one. Some of us are able to control our pets, or some of us choose to not have pets because we don't feel like waking up in the middle of the night, every single night. And yet these incompetent, selfish pet-owners expose their neighbors to the worst part of dog-owning without any of the benefits. Why don't you just let your dog pee on my carpets while you're at it?

Dogs deserve a home where their owner cares enough to do what it takes to keep them from barking all night long. And those of us within earshot deserve an uninterrupted night of sleep. The world is a much nicer, more peaceful place when people are well rested. I mean, I haven't had gun-owning fantasies since I moved away from the barking dog from hell. (Although now I'm having nightmares about gun-owning VP's...sigh...)