"Frenemies"

Yes, I'm stealing a term from Sex and the City, Season 3. Frenemies are people who purport to be your friend, but take any and all opportunities to insult you, put you down, or make you feel like garbage. These people are often in your life because they are a friend of a friend, making it difficult to excise them from your circle. Or they were nice for a while before the facade dissolved and they bared their fangs. The biggest problem with frenemies is that their insults are often subtle, thus making you wonder if they were truly being malicious, or if it's just you. It's not you, it's them. I promise. You'd think that frenemies would have become extinct after 8th grade, but unfortunately they live on well into adulthood.

Frenemies often come out of the woodwork when something good happens in your life. For example, you get chosen for a prestigious award. A frenemy would say, "That's fabulous! There must not have been very many contenders." That is the classic frenemy tactic: start with a compliment, then undermine it with something that completely negates the compliment. "Your boyfriend is so wonderful! Who would have ever thought that YOU would have found love!" "I'm so happy about your new job. I'm just glad I won't have to work those awful hours." I could go on and on, but you see the pattern. They say they are happy for you, but then throw in something to rain all over your happy parade.

Sadly, frenemies also attack when you're down. If you don't get a promotion, they might say, "I'm so sorry to hear that, but you know that there were so many more qualified people." Or if you got rejected from a graduate program, they would say, "That's so disappointing, but you know those schools only take top people." Ouch. You were already on the ground, but those frenemies just can't resist kicking you anyway.

Another frenemy tactic is the ultra-ambiguous insult. They seem benign on the surface, but the sting is in there. "Oh, I didn't know you would be at this party!" translates into "I didn't think you were good enough to get an invite." "What a fantastic haircut. You finally found someone who knows what they're doing!" translates into "You looked awful before." These comments don't always seem rude at first, but the more you think about them, the more you realize what a jerk this "friend" really is.

I encountered a lot of frenemy-type behavior when I decided to apply to law school. My favorite comment was from a friend who asked how LSAT studying was going. When I expressed some frustration in my practice scores, the reply was: "Well the problem is you're not brilliant, you just work really hard. That's not going to help you with this." Well, despite my lack of brilliance, I somehow managed to do just fine. When I got into Berkeley, my first choice, my friend said, "Of course you got in, I had no doubt!" Oh, so NOW you have faith in your dodo-head, non-brilliant friend? Interesting change of tune, Frenemy.

So why do frenemies want to be your friend if you are clearly so lacking in talent, intelligence, and likeability? For the simple reason that putting you down makes them feel better. If you are nice and not likely to be confrontational, you are a definite target. Frenemies don't go after people who fight back. The bigger question is why are YOU friends with THEM? If someone gets high off of making you feel low, then no positive qualities are redeeming enough to keep them around. These people are toxic, thoughtless, hurtful, insecure, egotistic, and/or lack self-awareness. Unless you are a glutton for punishment, you are better off with friends who build you up instead of knocking you down. So cut off those frenemies before they cut you down...yet again.