Roddy B.

Today, Rod Blagojevichonovskiwitz defiantly announced he has no plans to step down, saying "I will fight until I take my last breath." He maintains his innocence. The accusations are false, of course. He apparently did not attempt to sell Obama's senate seat to the highest bidders. Apparently aaaaaaallllll those recordings from wiretapped calls are just lies perpetuated by a "political lynch mob."

Roddy B...put a fork in it, you're DONE. Your entire state legislature voted 113-0 to assemble an impeachment committee. The evidence against you is overwhelming...that gun isn't just smokin', it's on FIRE. You have fallen from political grace in what is being called one of the biggest government scandals ever. You have ruined your name and brought shame to your state. It's O-V-E-R.

But does Blahblahblah accept this as fact? Nope. He has decided instead to force the poor people of Illinois to engage in a drawn out, ugly, EXPENSIVE battle to oust him. That's just what the state needs after its governor has completely f-ed it...to waste precious resources in this terrible economy. Nice governing, buddy.

Blagagablah should take a cue from Spitzer. He owned what he did and quickly stepped down. I by no means think Spitzer is an exemplar, but at least he didn't insist on keeping his position when he was caught redhanded. Blago-go-gadget-arms...have you learned nothing from other obviously guilty politicians who put up a fight? Look at Sen. Stevens, for example. He vehemently insisted on innocence...and was found guilty of SEVEN felony counts and lost his seat. And then there's Sen. Craig, who admitted guilt but is now recanting. He's looking even more like a damn fool every day, all the while dragging his family through the nastiness. NO ONE believes these men are innocent, and no one ever did. They are delusional megalomaniacs who cling to futile hopes of maintaining their power while assuring their places in history as utterly despicable jokers.

So RB, I beg you...save your breath for worthier battles than your unsalvageable career. You have pounded the final nail in your political coffin. You're going down no matter what. There's no need to drag the entire state of Illinois down with you.

The Dolce Commercial

I know I have previously mentioned that one of my dream jobs would be some sort of "tv commercial czar," where I could nix commercials that are stupid, crude, pointless, offensive, obnoxious, etc. This dream has recently been reignited by the Canon commercial starring tennis star Maria Sharapova and her little dog, Dolce.

You must have seen this commercial because they play it about 48 times per day. In the commercial, Maria and Dolce are stopped multiple times as they tool around town by people wielding Canon cameras. They ask permission to take a picture...Maria assumes they must want to take a picture of her, the gorgeous pro athlete. But no, they all want to take a picture of her Toto-like dog, Dolce. Apparently he/she is a VERY cute dog.

And the premise is cute...at first. But the scenario happens like, 4 times in the commercial. Every single time, Maria is shocked that the intrusive photographers want a picture of her dog. "I'm over here," she says. Honey...if it KEEPS happening, why are you still so surprised? Your dog is cute, people want to photograph it, get over it. But no, she's taken aback anew with each instance. Poor Maria comes off as either self-absorbed and narcissistic, or just really dumb.

I know it is not Maria's fault...she is just performing the script that Canon gave her (and for which Canon is paying her the big bucks). She very well may be intelligent and modest. But the commercial does not cast her in a very positive light. In trying to sell a product that can capture memorable moments, the ad guys at Canon are clearly stuck in the dark room. (I know, laaaaaaame pun. I'm groaning, too...)

Exclamation Point Overuse

Have you ever received an email like this? "Hey!!! How are you?!! I am fine! I am having a great day! I haven't seen you in so long! My car is blue! It is Monday!"

You get the idea.

I can't stand overuse of exclamation points. Exclamation points are solely for things that actually deserve exclamation: "Watch out! Fire! I can't believe what Chuck wrote in his note to Blair!" They are NOT for routine declaratory sentences, such as: "I am hungry." or "We are out of milk." or "People who overuse exclamation points are obnoxious." After the second or third exclamation point in an email, they lose all impact. It is as if they disappear altogether.

Exclamation point abusers are the boys who cried wolf. One day, their overuse will come back to bite them. They will have something that really, truly deserves emphasis, and they will use an exclamation point properly. But we won't notice. We will read the sentence in a completely normal way, with no emphasis whatsoever...and there will be DISASTROUS consequences. Damn you, overusers! (Note the proper use of an exclamation point at the end of this post).

Backseat Drivers

I have to begin this post with an admission. Last week while driving back from my dad's house for Thanksgiving, I was an egregious backseat driver. I had to go to the bathroom (shocker), and did not feel as though Mike was driving sufficiently fast enough to get me to a rest stop. He was taking a right turn while a large Mack truck was approaching fast. I said "watch out for that truck!" And what was Mike's reaction? Did he know exactly what I was talking about and thus speed up to get out of the intersection safely and avoid the truck? Of course not...I scared the crap out of him and he hit the brakes.

If I had said nothing, Mike would have made his turn just fine, the very large truck would not have hit us, and we would be on our way. But instead, we both freaked out, then he had to slam on the gas to finish his turn, the enormous Mack truck whizzed by us, and our hearts were still pounding by the time we got to the rest stop. I'm still apologizing for it.

That's about the normal reaction of backseat driving. Someone says "watch out" and your initial instinct is to slam on the brakes while your stomach does a few cartwheels and your heart leaps out of your chest. It is far MORE dangerous then whatever minor traffic condition the backseat driver was trying to warn you of. Unless there is, in fact, something directly in front of you that the driver is going to crash into in a mere moment, then zip your lip. An example of when it's ok: a few weeks ago I got so excited about a legal brief while I was driving my boss to lunch that I would have crashed into a stopped car in front of me if he didn't scream for me to stop. Now THAT was appropriate backseat driving. But for the rest of you, close your eyes and say a few Hail Marys if you have to, but for the love...don't unnecessarily scare the bejeezus out of the person operating a potentially deadly vehicle!!

Besides being extremely dangerous, backseat driving is also SUPER irritating. "That car up there is coming to a stop," "Look out for that guy turning," "I think this person is about to change lanes." Um, yeah...I passed my driver's test when I was freaking 16. I am aware of the cars around me, I don't need a running narrative of my environment. And what do these backseat drivers think happens when they aren't in the car without their sage guidance? Do they think you just speed around willy nilly, carelessly bashing into cars left and right? All because the backseat driver isn't there to explain the nuances of traffic patterns around you? The answer is no, backseat driver. We all do just fine. If someone actually DOES drive that piss poorly, then it's safe to say you shouldn't be in the car with them anyway. And besides, there are people whose job it is to monitor motorists. They are called police.

In sum, barring an emergency, there is no excuse for backseat driving. It is irritating and dangerous. If you don't like someone's driving, then you have two choices: keep your mouth shut, or don't get in the car with them. Or if you really feel a burning desire to tell people how to drive, then teach Driver's Ed.

Oh, and Mike: I'm still sorry about the truck incident. It won't happen again, or you can forbid me from talking in your car. You have it here in writing...

Line Cutters...They DO Exist Past Elementary School!

Today I walked into a bakery, and a woman walked in after me. The lady behind the counter then says, "I can help whoever was next." The woman, who most definitely walked in AFTER me, said, "yes, I would like a loaf of wheat bread, please." Um...excuse me, maam? You were most definitely NOT next. But sure enough, she walked out with her bread before I ever got helped.

A similar thing happened to me a few weeks ago at Office Depot. I was in a pretty big rush, and I was waiting in line for the sole cashier to finish with a customer. The customer left, and a woman and her three children walked right in front of me and put their stuff on the counter. The cashier looks at me and says, "Weren't you next?" But the woman pushed her stuff toward him, completely disregarding me. I didn't feel like putting up a fight.

What is wrong with these people? I mean, this is something you learn in Kindergarten. First come, first served. No cutting in line, no saving spots. You don't completely ignore the person who got there first. It's not the way things work in a civilized society.

Maybe I'm invisible. I never thought of that. Maybe I have a magical power that enables me to go sight unseen to my fellow patrons. If I knew how to harness that power, I could avoid a lot of unpleasant encounters with people I don't feel like talking to. Or maybe these line cutters are just WAAAAAAAAY more important than me. They can tell just by looking at me. They see me and think, my needs are far more pressing than this young woman's, even though she got here first. Screw her...I'm getting my bread before her!

I'm not sure I believe in karma, but in times like this I hope it exists. Then these line cutters might find themselves in a rush and unable to get service. They'll get stuck in that line behind the really slow grocery store cashier and the customer who hasn't updated to debit cards and therefore is painstakingly filling out a personal check. Or they'll be behind that customer who picked the one item without a price tag, and the cashier has to call in a price check. But alas, these people will just get mad for having to wait, and feel as though an injustice has been done to THEM...they won't know it's their punishment for being crappy and cutting me in line. Sigh.

I wish I was as important as these people, so I could walk in front of other people and get service first. Maybe someday. A girl can dream...

People Who Have Already Seen It

My roommate and I have this ongoing tv-watching struggle. If she's already seen an episode of something, she likes to guide my viewing of it. "Watch this part," or "this scene is important," or "you're not watching and you're going to miss something big!" It bothers me for multiple reasons. First of all, I don't like being told what to do. My immediate reaction is to rebel against any strict directives and do the exact opposite. You're telling me to watch, then I'm specifically NOT going to watch. I don't respond well to orders. So take that!

Second, when people do that, it ruins the natural flow of the show. If something big is going to happen, I want it to be a surprise. I don't want to brace myself for it. It ruins the suspense or the unexpected nature of the scene And sometimes I don't think it was a particularly important part, and then I'm let down. It's just all around badness.

Also, if I already AM watching, then why tell me to "watch this part?" Is there a way for me to watch better? Should I put on my glasses, or sit up straighter, or hold my breath, or sit on the edge of the couch? And if I'm not watching "closely enough," isn't that my prerogative? Maybe I'll miss something, maybe I won't. How I choose to watch a show is really no one else's business.

She claims that I deserve it, because I guess once I accidentally ruined a movie for her by telling her I didn't like this one character, so the whole time she knew the guy was going to turn out to be a jerk. I have apologized, but she is apparently never going to forgive me.

So I guess due to my slip-up, I will forever have to endure the "you aren't paying attention" and this is an important part." Well, at least until January, when I move out. I will miss my roommate dearly, but I will not miss watching television with her. Or her love of cooking stinky fish, but that is another blog post. :)

Red Hot Hand Raisers

Remember when you were in elementary school, and there was that kid (or kids) whose hand would shoot up in the air, and he would wave wildly, and make noises like "ooh, ooh, me me me!!!" Do you also remember how you wanted to sock that kid in the face? Well, my several hours at a legal conference today prove that some things, or people, never change.

I realize that this is very close to my earlier post, Any Questions? However, that post focused on people who ask a question with 5 minutes left in class or in a meeting. This post is about those few people who either think their questions are way more important than anyone else's, or simply have a Narcissus-like obsession with the sound of their own voice.

Today during presentations from the various speakers, the same 3 people would raise their hands. You knew who the Red Hots were in the first 15 minutes, because not only did they ask multiple questions, but the did so in the MIDDLE of the speaker's presentation. That leads to the first obnoxious tactic of Red Hots: asking questions prematurely, before giving the speakers a chance to do their thing, prompting the response, "I'm going to get to that in just a moment." Here's a novel idea...how about holding off on your question until the END? Then if it isn't covered, ask away. Saves us all time. I know it's a radical concept, but think it over.

Then there is obnoxious tactic #2: asking a question that is applicable to the asker only. It is always an ultra-specific question, which takes a long time to ask and even longer to answer. Meanwhile, the rest of us get nothing out of it, the speaker is delayed in their presentation, and the Red Hot unfairly benefits at our expense. "Um, I have this creally unique case about this particular party who did this very random thing, and I am writing this groundebreaking argument, and I was wondering what the court would think..." Buddy...wait until after and speak to this person alone, or give them a phone call, or send them an email. But don't waste the whole room's time with your own personal query. This is an informative conference, not a strategy session.

Obnoxious tactic #3 is the non-question masquerading as a question. The person takes a statement and asks it in a question-like tone. Or maybe they add some innocuous question to the end to validate their raising their hand. "I always do such and such when I write legal arguments. Do courts like that?" Red Hot clearly just wanted kudos from the speaker for his exemplary writing practices, or for the rest of the room to know just how amazing his legal writing is. What's amazing is that there was enough space in the conference room for the speaker, the participants, and that guy's ego.

So here's a good test: if you're at a large conference where few people know each other, and by the end of it the speaker knows your name, then you're a Red Hot. And the strange feeling you're experiencing, that sensation of prickly hot electricity on the back of your head, is likely the angry stares the rest of the participants are shooting at you as they wish you would shut up. Not only do you waste time and irritate the rest of us, but you prevent people with real, useful questions from being heard. You're like a living, breathing, irritating Hoover vacuum...you aren't efficient, and you suck.

False Accusations

I work in a small town in Marin. To my delight, there is a residential street a few blocks from the office with all day parking. I can always get a spot and don't need to worry about paying a meter or moving my car every few hours. It is fabulous...usually.

One day I arrived at my car after work and saw a business card on the windshield. It was from the local police. There was a message requesting me to call. I called, but could not reach the officer and had to leave a message. I started freaking out. I had NO idea what it could have been. My coworker and I looked all around my car for scratches or dents, thinking someone might have hit my car. Nope. Nothing. The next day, the police officer called me back and said some guy claimed I hit his car and dented it. He filed a hit and run against me.

I of course became furious, because I did NOT hit his car. I think I would distinctly remember doing so, especially if I hit it hard enough to dent it (which, for the record, would have been nearly impossible for me to do in such a small parallel parking space, even if I tried.). Also, there was not a single mark on MY car. And since I did not hit his car, there could not have been any witnesses to this event. So let's get this straight...without anyone seeing a thing, I somehow found a way to gather enough speed while parallel parking in a small space to hit his car hard enough to leave a dent, and I did so with such skill that I did not leave a mark on my own car, and then I just left my car at the scene. Yeah...that makes sense...

I am not without sympathy...this guy is pissed because someone hit his car. I get it, it sucks. But don't just blame the person closest in proximity with no other evidence! And charging me with hit and run? I neither hit his car, nor did I "run." My car was still there! The ONLY thing I was guilty of was having the bad fortune of being parked behind a person at the precise moment he discovered a dent on his car. Buddy, it's a public street...anyone could have hit your car. If you didn't see it happen, and there is no mark on my car, and the spot is tight anyway, then you got nothin'. Suck it up and leave an innocent person alone!

I hate being blamed for wrongdoing I did not commit. It truly offends my sense of justice. Especially because I am an extremely honest person. Once I DID bump into someone's car while I was parking. I was on a hill, and my car rolled into the car in front of me. I don't even think I left a mark, and the car was so beat up I wouldn't know even if I had (and that's what bumpers are for, right?)...but out of a sense of duty, I left a note telling them what happened and left my number. So if I left a note THEN, surely I would have left a note if I actually dented someone's car.

In fact, I'm so honest that tonight when the clerk at Safeway gave me $30, and I was only owed $20, I told him immediately. When I told him, he tried to claim he owed me $30. Did I take the extra $10 and walk? NO. Because I am an honest person. I don't hit people's cars, and I don't take money that does not belong to me. I also don't blame people for things without having some degree of certainty that they are guilty, and then file police reports on them accusing them of committing a "hit and run," just because I am angry that my car got dented.

Sure, it's no fun when an injustice is committed against you. But it doesn't make it any better to rashly point fingers at innocent people. Especially when that innocent person is a lawyer. And I've said it before, but I'll say it again...you don't want to mess with an angry lawyer. Grrrr...

Obliviousness to Your Fellow Waiters-in-Line

So I'm a pretty busy gal these days. I got my first job out of law school, and I've got lots and lots of work to do. Gone are the days when I'll take a long lunch to kill time. Some days I need all the minutes of work time I can get...so I often run across the street, grab a pre-made sandwich, and eat at my desk. A few days ago I had to finish writing a complaint by the end of the day. I headed over to get my lunch, grabbed a turkey sandwich...and then just stood there at the register. There was only one woman in front of me, but she was apparently unaware that she was not the only person in the place.

This woman was complaining about something that was wrong with an order she had made a week ago. The cashier was being very kind, and saying things like, "I'm so sorry, thanks for telling us, I'll make sure to speak to the owner when she returns." You'd think that would be the end of it. But no...the woman kept going on and on and on. "I'm so sorry to complain, but it's just that the food here is always so good, and I love the food here, and I was surprised that there was a problem, because the food is so good, and I feel bad for complaining," etc. etc. etc. The cashier kept saying the same thing: "I'm so sorry you had a problem, thanks for letting us know," etc. etc. etc. It was clear the conversation was O-V-E-R. But girlfriend wasn't having it. She decided it would be beneficial to have the conversation ad nauseum. Despite the fact that the cashier had acknowledged her, validated her, and promised to take action.

Meanwhile, I am just standing there, getting more and more frustrated by the minute. Lady...you're not at a customer service counter. You are monopolizing the SOLE cashier in a crowded place. As you go on and on unnecessarily, the queue is growing, and more people are being kept from work or their errands or eating their food. ALL I had to do was hand the cashier some money and get some change. That could be accomplished in 30 seconds. But instead, it took about 10 minutes. All she had to do was let it go after the first four times she repeated herself. Or even take a step to the side, and continue on repeating herself while I paid. But selfish lady didn't stop to think that other people existed, or that they might also want access to the cashier. That woman owes me 9 minutes and 30 seconds of my life that I will never get back.

The same thing happened to me last week at the gym. There is one water fountain in the cardio machine room. I work out in the morning, so I have very little time to work out, shower, and get to work on time. So I throw my magazine and towel on the treadmill and rush to fill my water bottle. But can I do that? Of course not. There is a woman standing in front of the water fountain, drinking her water, and reading a flyer on the wall. The flyer is to the left of the water fountain, so there was no need for her to block the fountain. But there she stood. Directly in my way. Drinking away, wasting my time.

I would like to know how these people are so talented at blocking out the world around them so that they don't notice they are sharing space with other living, breathing humans beings. I mean, that's a talent I wish I had. I wish I could block out the nutty people on the bus, or the loud neighbors upstairs who play Rock Band at 1 am, or my boyfriend when he snores.

I mean think about it...if only I could possess this unique power of self-absorption. I would never have to give up my seat on the bus for an elderly person, or yield to pedestrians, and I could cut people in line with impunity, and steal parking spaces from people who got there first. But alas...I am plagued with a recognition that other people exist in the world, and that my actions impact these other people. Just another way my darned conscience stands in the way of my ultimate dream of complete callousness. Curses...foiled again!

Abuses of Power

Today as I walking to work, I stepped cautiously into the crosswalk across the street from the office. I looked both ways and noticed a police cruiser slowly approaching the crosswalk. I thought to myself, "He's far enough away and driving at a very slow speed...he'll stop for me to cross for sure. I mean, it's the LAW and he's a COP" But no. He did not stop. He drove right through. He even looked right at me as he did it. We all know that if I had been in the car and HE had been in the crosswalk, that would not have been acceptable driving behavior.

I was pretty irritated at the hypocrisy. It is the law to yield to pedestrians in crosswalks, and yet the law was completely disregarded by the person charged with enforcing it. But seeing as how the whole thing took about 30 seconds of my time, I let it go.

UNTIL about 2 minutes later, when he parked his car and began writing a ticket for a woman getting money from the ATM next to my office. Even through the closed door, I could hear the argument. The woman ran back to her car (which was apparently illegally parked, though I couldn't tell how) and began pleading her case: "I was only parked for a minute, I just needed to get money, there is no one else on the road, I'm so sorry." The cop was unmoved. He said, "What if EVERYONE just stops for one minute to get money?" And he gave her a ticket. If I was less of a wimp, I would have gone outside and said, "And what if EVERYONE fails to yield to pedestrians in a crosswalk?" But I didn't. Instead I sat there and got mad.

We all have a story about a police officer being a big hypocrite. They get to break the rules while harshly punishing the rest of us for even minor transgressions. I know that there are good, decent cops out there who keep us safe and make communities better. But there sure do seem to be a lot of them who get off on their badges and abuse their power at their own convenience, or even for their own entertainment. Sure, some people really deserve a ticket...but is the world really a better place if a woman pays a $50 ticket for stopping at an ATM on an empty street?

Abuses of power are just scary, whether it be by a man in blue or a man in a power suit or a man in a big white house. Sadly, it often seems like those who are most likely to abuse power are those most likely to be in positions of power. So I always give big props to those who wield their power fairly and wisely. I have high hopes that voters will soon be wielding their power fairly and wisely in November. Let's reward those who don't drive through crosswalks one second and ticket someone for a minor violation the next. Or else next time you might actually be IN the crosswalk when the cruiser doesn't stop...and you'll only have a $5,000 tax credit to pay for your medical bills.

Good Old Fashioned Gender Stereotypes in the Workplace

Much like Britney Spears was not a girl, not yet a woman, I am not a law student, not yet a lawyer. I'm in that strange limbo of having a job but waiting for my bar results. My only credential is as a Juris Doctor, but I am not yet an Esquire, and am not licensed to practice in the state of California.

That being said, I've completed my legal education and am doing work that is entirely lawyerly. Thus, I was quite put off when these two financial guys in suits came into the office today looking for the attorney I work for, and while they were waiting for him, asked me if I was the paralegal. Hmm...woman in a law office? Must be a paralegal!

Now, I know there are people out there rolling their eyes and thinking, oh relax and don't be so uptight...it was harmless. Ok...maybe it was an honest mistake. I mean, I was actually doing work, and everyone knows real lawyers don't actually do work. Or maybe it was because I have a desk right when you walk in, and everyone knows real lawyers have some fancy important office somewhere not right next to the door. But I think we all know that if my male colleague was sitting by the door working on the computer, they would not have said, "so, are you the paralegal?"

What kind of a question is that, anyway? You're here to talk to the attorney about finances...what is it to you what I do? Perhaps I'm extra reactive because during my first legal internship after my first year of law school, a deputy attorney general introduced himself to me and asked me if I was the new legal secretary. It really just pissed me off...because I'm sure every year around May or June they get a slew of legal interns. It makes FAR more sense that a new face around the office in May would be an intern than a legal secretary. And again...what are the chances he would have said that to a young male intern?

I know people are sick of hearing about sexism, and people are also quick to blame women for being oversensitive about it. But I doubt it would have been kosher for me to say, "no, I'm an associate...are you a frat boy fresh out of college who wears striped shirts out to the clubs on the weekends, shops exclusively at Abercrombie, and hopes to have a long career screwing people so you can be rich?" So even though it was probably true, I kept my mouth shut. Because I remember the old adages of basic human decency: Don't judge a book by its cover; treat people like you want to be treated; if you can only think of things to say that are rooted in outdated sexist stereotypes, say nothing at all, etc.

So boys, a piece of advice...if you are going to make small talk in a legal office, at least make it about something innocuous that doesn't include ridiculously antiquated notions of men as lawyers and women as legal secretaries and paralegals. Because in a few months when the bar results come in (God willing), I'll be a legitimate lawyer. And we all know the only thing scarier than a scorned woman is a scorned woman with a license to practice law.

Celebrities Getting Props for Post-Baby Bodies

The other day there was a headline in my little People feed that said "Jessica Alba's Secret for Losing the Baby Weight." You see headlines like this all the time, along with photos of Jessica in a bikini, or Angelina in a fitted evening gown, or Jennifer Garner looking all toned. Fans and media always seem to be SO impressed...HOW did these women DO it?? How did they lose the weight SO fast? How do they look SO good SO quickly after giving birth?? Then they print all these "weight-loss" tips for us normal people, presumably so we, too, can look that good post-baby.

There are always these ridiculous quotes, too: "I just worked really hard at it." Oh, so that's it! Because non-celebrity moms just sit on their fat baby-weight asses eating cake, right? Or: "I followed a strict diet of organic vegetables." Because we all have time and money to go to farmer's markets every other day and eat really healthy, sensible, balanced meals.

Let's be real...celebrities lose weight fast because it is their JOB to look good. They don't have to look good AND work at a bank, or look good AND be a lawyer. And they have MONEY, so they can afford to have a housekeeper, a personal chef, a personal trainer, a nanny, and anyone else to make their lives easier. If the rest of us could hire help, we could spend less time washing clothes with baby vomit on them and more time at the gym.

Insinuating that celebrities deserve some big kudos for losing baby weight quickly is irritating as hell. It also makes normal, non-rich people feel like crap about themselves because they are so overwhelmed with all of their responsibilities (for which they have little, if any, help), that they aren't able to focus a ton of time on their appearance. And then other people judge them...if Jessica Alba can do it, why can't YOU?

So yeah...I am just not that impressed by celebrity post-baby bodies. I've never actually given birth, but I suspect I will NOT be wearing a bikini a few weeks after I finally do pop one out. And I won't feel bad about it. In fact, I look FORWARD to it. I mean, how often can you carry around some extra weight and actually have a good excuse?? Pass me the cake!

Global Warming Deniers

The other day I had to delete one of my Facebook "friends" after the convenient Notifications feed informed me she had recently joined a group called Against the Global Warming Myth. There is no way, no how that I will associate myself with someone who denies the truth that is global warming. She was just some random high school acquaintance, anyway, so no big loss. But it sure did make me MAD.

It ab-so-lute-ly BAFFLES me when people deny global warming. "It's not that the earth isn't getting warmer," they say, "but it's just that human activity isn't contributing to it." They point to historical trends of heating and cooling, and say that these cycles are normal. They then say that they don't support pollution and do support alternative energy...um, okay...but then what's your problem with the global warming theory??

I really, really don't understand the logic. What is so deeply offensive about the notion that our actions have an impact on the planet? What in the world (no pun intended) do you gain by insisting that no matter how wasteful you are, no matter how many toxic fumes you emit, it is in no way your fault or responsibility that average temperatures are getting higher and polar bears are dying? I mean, other than wanting to justify your need to be wasteful and intense desire to pollute...WHAT is your PROBLEM??

They say it's all some BIG conspiracy concocted by scientists to scare us all into action. Oh NO! GOD forbid we all start being more responsible!! Terrorist threats are nothing compared to the disgusting lies these so-called scientists are feeding us to trick us into caring about cleaner/alternative fuel sources and preserving nature. How can these scientists SLEEP at night, knowing the deplorable propaganda they are perpetuating??

Okay, sarcasm aside...what's funny is that they criticism the scientists who tout the "global warming myth," but then point to scientific trends of heating and cooling cycles. Oh, I see...science is good if YOU say it is. That's some solid logic right there.

And forgive me if I'm wrong, but it seems that the Global Warming Deniers are often affiliated with the Christian religion. There's another thing I do not at all understand. Oil companies, corporations...I understand why they would deny global warming. But Christians? I mean, I grew up having to study the Bible...I'm not ignorant about the religion. I just don't see how God would be opposed to the notion that human activity is destroying the Earth He created. The Bible doesn't say to rape and pillage the planet in one big wasteful orgy. Seriously...I'm incredulous. I really wish someone would explain to me why the FACTUALLY SOUND phenomenon known as global warming is so offensive to Christianity (and others).

So yeah...Global Warming Deniers DRIVE ME NUTS. Because it is not only ignorant and selfish, but it is extremely dangerous and frightening. I am deeply scared by such ideology, especially now that there's an actual chance that a Global Warming Denier will end up in the White House. That's a lot more difficult to erase than a Facebook contact.

Pointing Out the Obvious

Alright, so it drives me CRAZY when people point out the obvious. First of all, because, well, it's OBVIOUS. But secondly, because they usually do it in a way that suggests they don't KNOW it's obvious, but that they are saying something you REALLY need to know. As if they are imparting some great wisdom on you. Which is super condescending, because it assumes you were too dumb to think of it or know it yourself.

Let me give you an example: When I was applying to law school, people would frequently say "law school costs a lot of money, you know." OH...it DOES??? I thought it was FREE?? I mean, I didn't actually do any research into the costs of attending law school, I just applied without ANY knowledge of my financial responsibilities! Thank you SO much, Pointer-Outer of the Obvious!

Or like the time my phone company sent me a letter saying I didn't pay my bill, but I had paid it, and I had proof of said payment. My friend says to me, "you really should call your phone company and tell them you already paid it." BRILLIANT! That is what I should do! Thank GOODNESS you told me, because otherwise I would have just paid it twice, or sat here confused, banging my head on my desk. I hadn't ever thought to CALL them and TELL them. Whew! Disaster averted.

Okay, so I'm kind of a sarcastic jerk. But do people think before they speak? OBVIOUSLY I know that law school costs a lot of money, and obviously I'm going to call my phone company when they bill me in error. It ain't rocket science. It's like saying George W. is a moron, or Sarah Palin is a terrifying prospect to be VP...who doesn't know that??? (Sadly, apparently the midwest and much of the South...come on, people! Vote Obama!!!)

I suppose that people want to feel relevant, and their pointing out the obvious might stem from a good place...they want to be helpful, or want to engage in the conversation with you. And perhaps they have to state the obvious because they don't know much about the topic themselves. So I suppose I can be a bit more gracious in the future.

But for those people who aren't pointing out the obvious with good intentions -- those people who are actually condescending, and treat me like I'm a moron, and act all superior for no good reason -- the next time you point out the obvious, I may just have to point out the obvious in return...that you're an asshole.

Dogs That Bark in the Night

There is a woman who lives next to me who has a dog named Rodney. I have never actually met the woman who lives next to me, nor have I ever met her dog. How do I know there is a woman who lives next to me who has a dog named Rodney? Because almost every day, I hear "yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip" then "RODNEY!!!" then "yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip" then "RODNEY! SHUT UP, RODNEY!! then "yip-yip-yip-yip-yip" then "YOU SHUT UP NOW, RODNEY!!" I don't know which is more irritating...Rodney's incessant yipping, or his owner's shrill attempts to shut him up. Does she think Rodney can actually understand her? And if Rodney's every yip annoys the ever-loving crap out of her, then why own a dog in the first place?

But at least she tries to shut Rodney up. And to be fair, Rodney's barking usually stops before 10 p.m. There is nothing worse than a barking dog in the middle of the night. You are just about to fall asleep, or maybe you just fell asleep...and then the dog starts barking. And it's never for a short period of time...the dog will bark for no less than 3o minutes. And it's never a yippy dog, like Rodney. It's a dog with a deep bark that penetrates even the soundest of slumbers. The dog wakes up everyone in the neighborhood, except (conveniently) it's owner. The owner seems to be immune, as he or she does nothing to shut the dog up. They don't get out of bed. They don't yell at the dog to be quiet (like my darling neighbor). They don't bring the dog inside to sleep. They leave the dog outside to bark its irritating heart out.

Years ago, I was an elementary school teacher. During my first year of teaching, I not only had to adjust to being out the door by 6:30 a.m., but I also had no idea what I was doing. I would come home beaten and bruised by another rough day, with sleep my only refuge. At about 11 p.m. the dog next door would start at it. Then again at 2 a.m. Then again at 4. Every night, without fail. The owners never did a damn thing about it. The barking almost drove me over the edge. I had fantasies of buying a gun and shooting it in the middle of the night. And no, I am not an animal hater...but it was like some type of psychological torture. Repetitive, obnoxious, sleep-depriving, cacophonous torture. I also thought about filing a complaint with the city, but I decided to move instead. My life was much better in my far-better-insulated apartment.

What I don't understand about these nocturnal barkers is what the hell is going on with their owners?? Teach your dog not to bark all night! Or get up when it barks and stop it somehow. Or make it sleep inside. Or if none of these things work, don't have a dog...you don't deserve one. Some of us are able to control our pets, or some of us choose to not have pets because we don't feel like waking up in the middle of the night, every single night. And yet these incompetent, selfish pet-owners expose their neighbors to the worst part of dog-owning without any of the benefits. Why don't you just let your dog pee on my carpets while you're at it?

Dogs deserve a home where their owner cares enough to do what it takes to keep them from barking all night long. And those of us within earshot deserve an uninterrupted night of sleep. The world is a much nicer, more peaceful place when people are well rested. I mean, I haven't had gun-owning fantasies since I moved away from the barking dog from hell. (Although now I'm having nightmares about gun-owning VP's...sigh...)

Bad Air Travel Behavior and the Not So Friendly Skies

Last week I had to fly from San Francisco to Baltimore and back. That is four flights in all, about 8 hours each way. Now, as much as I could go on and on about the problems with commercial airlines, that is not what this post is about. I will not complain about how the airline charged me not only to book the ticket, but to check a bag, and even to CHOOSE my seat ahead of time (and yes, middle seats cost the same as window and aisle seats). Not to mention the airline no longer carries pillows or blankets and did NOT show a movie on the 5-hour leg, nor was any food available for purchase. No, my friends...this post is about my fellow air travelers and how they are rude, selfish, and clueless. As if being crammed into a stuffy germ box for hours on end wasn't bad enough...

Bad Air Travel Behavior #1: Boarding the Plane

We've all been there...the gate person announces Zone 5 can board, and there is a mad dash amongst Zone 5 ticket holders to be the first in line. They all hover around the gate, waiting for the announcement, chomping at the bit. Apparently, it's really important to be first on the plane so you can spend the most possible time on the oh-so-comfortable plane and fully enjoy your lack of legroom. I mean, the only legitimate reason for this jumping of the gun might be if you are worried there will not be enough room in the overhead compartment for your luggage. But I swear, there is ALWAYS enough room for overhead stowage. They find a way to make your crap fit. So if that is your only reason, then you don't have a leg to stand on.

So the gate person calls Zone 5, and I casually stroll into line, so as not to be trampled by the rush. Some guy decides that he absolutely MUST get onto the plane before me, despite the fact that I got into line first. He devises this tricky plan. Instead of standing BEHIND me, he stands NEXT to me. Then every time the line moves, he takes a tiny step in front of me. When it is time to hand over your ticket, he steps right in front of me and boards first. Smooth move, buddy. For no discernable reason whatsoever, you successfully cut off the passenger who got in line first so that you could be in your seat 3 seconds earlier...you WIN.

Bad Air Travel Behavior #2: On the Plane

Okay, so a 5-hour flight is a long time to sit in silence. Sometimes you might want to strike up a conversation with your neighbor. I have met some delightful people on long flights, including this reporter for the L.A. Times several years ago who recommended some amazing books to me and pointed out that John Edwards was in first class. But sometimes I want to just be left the hell alone. Like last night. I had a really good book and I was really into it, and I did not want to chat.

Guy next to me wasn't down with that. He kept talking to me. He offered me half of his salad. Um...no thanks. He asked me where I was going. He asked me what I did for a living. He offered me a ride home from the airport (even though I told him my boyfriend was picking me up). He tried to carry my bag off the plane. Now, I know he was trying to be nice...but read the social cues, buddy! I was giving you one-word, curt responses and continually looking back to my book. Message: I don't want to chat!! And it's not like I can change seats or get off the plane. So when people are annoying, or worse, creepy, you're a captive audience. You are at their mercy. It's just not fair. I wish there were divider screens, like in limos. Or you should be able to hit your call button and say, "excuse me, Flight Attendant...can you please bring this passenger a clue? Or a muzzle?"

Bad Air Travel Behavior #3: Getting Off the Plane

I've always been amused at how the second the fasten seatbelt sign turns off when you are parked at the gate, everyone stands up. It sucks if you have to go to the bathroom...good luck getting through the aisle. Anyway, it is common knowledge that people de-plane from the front to the back. Each aisle disembarks, and then the next aisle, and so on. It's not that difficult a concept.

WELL...on one of my flights to Baltimore and one of my flights back, rude passengers flagrantly disregarded this standard practice. People from the very back of the plane rudely pushed their way up the aisle, cutting off the people who were entitled to get off the plane first. The woman behind me, for example, bullied her way just far enough in front of me so I couldn't stand up and get my bag. And of course, it worked...she got off the plane before me...giving herself a 1-second advantage over me with her rudeness. Total crap. You let the people in front of you get off first, THEN you get off. You don't flout the rules for your own convenience.

In sum, I love how everyone thinks their time is more important than everyone else's. It's especially amusing because such rudeness doesn't even have a very big payoff. Maybe airlines are also charging extra for courtesy. I mean, if I have to pay to choose my seat in advance, a surcharge for a well-behaved neighbor might not be so far-fetched.

Miserable People: Part 2

My sister just got out of the hospital. In the past two weeks, she had been in 5 hospitals in 3 countries. She had surgery every day for the last 3 days. She is fine now, but things were pretty scary for a while there. I flew out from the west coast to be with her in the hospital. Now that she is okay, we are all QUITE relieved.

Today, the DAY after she was released from Johns Hopkins, we got some coffee at a crowded Panera Bread. We were extra happy, being that she is no longer in a hospital bed and I am no longer scared my sister is going to die. We are chatting and giggling away...when suddenly this nasty old woman gets up from the booth next to us, walks over, and starts yelling at us. She says, "I'm sorry, it's not my business, but you two are talking loudly, like you are on a cell phone. I can hear everything you are saying." She did NOT say it nicely. She scowled and scolded. Then she walked away. Multiple people looked at us like, did she REALLY just do that to you??? As soon as she sat down, I could hear every word she said. I could hear what most people were saying. It is a RESTAURANT. Not a library. People TALK in public restaurants.

This woman was clearly just a miserable person. If she really heard every word we were saying, then she would have heard us saying "You are so lucky the pulmonary embolism didn't kill you," and "I can't believe they had to operate on you for 3 straight days." Or if we truly were being excessively loud, then perhaps she could have politely asked us to be quieter. It's not like we were trying to be rude. We were celebrating life and sisterhood and togetherness. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe our joy was offensive to her Grinch-like demeanor.

My point is this...if you hate people and happiness, then STAY AT HOME. Misery has no place at Panera Bread.

Overly Aggressive Sales Persons

First of all...I'm BAAAAAAAAACK. I got caught up in the stressful countdown to the bar exam, and then once I slew that beast I had no more mental acuity left to be the competent blogger my readers deserve. I apologize for the stall-out. I foresee no other such stalls in the near future.

Okay, so right after the bar I headed off to Minneapolis for a wedding. It being my first time in the land of ten thousand lakes, I of COURSE had to go to the Mall of America, our nation's biggest, and arguably greatest mall. It was just as I had hoped...an amusement park in the middle (and not just a wimpy carousel...REAL intense rides that could force you to give back the fried foods you had gorged on in one of the many, many food courts), a whole Lego-land area, every store you can imagine, movies, clubs, etc. The best part was the people watching. We saw some of the best mullets I have ever seen, including a braided mullet. It was a BEAUTY.

Of course such a mall is filled with a sea of kiosks selling random crap you would never need in a million years. While Mike (my gentleman friend) was in a store, I foolishly decided to wait outside. No sooner did I cross my arms and assume a stationary stance did a man with a thick accent come rushing over. "May I ask you a question?" he says. Before I can answer, he says, "you are bee-yoo-tee-ful, but I can make you bee-yoo-tee-fuller." Hmmm...not actually a question, is it? Before I can even object he plunks me into a chair and starts running his fingers through my hair. I mean, that just wasn't fair. When someone touches my hair I slip into a coma and am powerless to resist. The next thing I know he is clipping hair extensions onto my skull. Many, many hair extensions.

What is amusing is that I have pretty thick hair. And it's not that short, either. I'm not exactly the prime candidate for hair extensions. As Mike put it, "trying to sell you hair extensions is like trying to push a boob job on someone with double D's." But the guy tried pretty damn hard, telling me it was 100% human hair, had a 5-year guarantee, and could be washed, cut, and dyed. He even pulled out a curling iron and adorned my noggin with several ringlets. By the time Mike came out and saw me, I looked like a show girl. All I needed was some sequins and tassels. But I was too amused to be mad.

Of course he waited until the very end to hit me with the price...a cool $530. I laughed out loud. I was like, dude, I owe the government $150K...I don't have $530, and if I did, it would not go to cheesy ass hair extensions that make me look like a high-class hooker at best. Does homeboy take it gracefully? Of course not. He actually got MAD. He was super pissy, as though I had taken advantage of him and wasted his time. Buddy...YOU grabbed me. YOU did not ask if I wanted you to put $530 worth of crap in my hair. YOU did not ask if I wanted you to then curl it. You didn't give me the price up front, I never showed interest...I felt like he had bought me a lobster dinner I didn't ask for and then expected me to put out. Sorry, my European friend...it didn't work in high school and it ain't gonna work now.

We've all been assaulted by someone pushing some product. Whether it be someone who wants you to try their lotion or taste their food samples...they force you to give in to their intense pressure and then act all wounded and insulted if you reject them. I once asked a woman at Bloomingdale's if they carried ONE certain type of perfume and the next thing I knew she AND her colleague were presenting me with 6 different boxed sets of perfumes and asking me which one I wanted. Um...NONE. I just was curious about ONE perfume. Quit with your product pushing, you wolves!

Us shoppers are timid creatures. We scare easy. We enter stores like little rabbits, sniffing the air for danger. Don't come bounding toward us with your fangs bared. I mean, I run away at the first hint of a pushy sales person. And it's their loss, because I might have otherwise bought something. I know you get commission and crap, but back off already! If I want your help, I'll freaking ask for it. A simple "can I help you with anything" will suffice. Shopping is not a contact sport!

And besides, don't these sales people know that no one likes an overeager suitor? Someone needs to give them a copy of The Rules...

Environmental Petition Bullies

For Taylor

You're walking down the street. You're probably pretty busy. You reach an intersection and wait for the light to change. You are then approached by someone with a clipboard. They want to talk to you about the environment. They only want "a moment of your time." They approach you with a comment such as, "Do you care about the earth?" Suggesting that if you do not stop and talk to them, you do not care about the earth. If you politely decline, they do not leave it at that. They press on, becoming more and more insistent that either you sign the petition, or you are personally responsible for the demise of baby polar bears in the North Pole. Poor little polar bears...

The light changes. If you are fortunate enough to get past this bully with a clipboard, you cross the street...and are confronting with yet ANOTHER bully with a clipboard. He or she is wearing a matching t-shirt. You look around...there is a bully with a clipboard at EVERY corner. You are surrounded! You are powerless to evade them. No matter which direction you approach the intersection from...be prepared for the inevitable clipboard in your face, threats of Armageddon if you don't stop to sign it, and precious minutes of your life irretrievably gone.

Don't get me wrong...I love the environment. I recycle. I try to conserve water. I walk or take public transportation whenever possible. I bring reusable bags to grocery store. But forgive me if I don't feel like talking to some peppy, privileged, self-important punk with a useless petition who is aggressive to the point of rude and utilizes guilt and blame to accomplish his or her purposes. How do they know I didn't sign the petition some other time? How do they know what kind of a person I am? Why do they feel entitled to tell me how and when I should contribute to environmental issues? And why is their time more important than my time?

If I want to hear about your cause, I'll stop and ask. Solicit my attention politely, and leave me the hell alone if I don't give it to you. And I don't have concrete data to back this up, but I'm pretty sure those hours spent harrassing passers-by could be far more effectively spent doing something like picking up trash. Or better yet, round up all your fellow petitioners, pack a few suitcases full of matching t-shirts, hop on a boat to the North Pole, and go live with the polar bears. Permanently.

"Nice Day" Peer Pressure

I can't even count how many times this has happened to me...I'm talking to someone on the phone or online or what not, and they ask what I'm doing, and I say "I'm watching tv" or "I'm resting" or I'm engaged in some other indoor activity. They then get all indignant and say: "HOW can you be inside? It's SUCH a nice day outside!!!"

This annoys the crap out of me for several reasons. First of all, I live in California. 90% of the time it is SUCH a nice day outside. It is usually sunny and clear and mild up here in the Bay Area. So by the logic of "it's a nice day so you should not be inside," I should spend 90% of my time outside? People...if I miss one nice day by staying inside, then I'm pretty sure there will be another nice day to enjoy in the NEAR future.

Secondly, why do I have to be outside to enjoy the nice day? I can see the sunshine and blue sky out my very large windows whilst sitting on the couch. I don't need to actually go out my door to enjoy that it is nice outside. I love the sunlight coming through my giant windows. Sometimes it reflects off the tv. It's very lovely.

Third, what is SO bad about being inside? I work pretty damn hard. I deserve some down time. I get to watch an episode of The Wire during a nice day if I want. I can take a nap during peak sunshine times if it pleases me. It's really no one's business. I'll go outside and bask in the sunshine when I choose to...not out of guilt that I am somehow harming myself, others, and the world at large by failing to enjoy the gifts Mother Nature has bestowed upon me.

And besides...sunshine creates sun damage which leads to skin cancer and wrinkles. And there are bugs outside that bite. And I can't take a nap outside without risking some sort of assault. And it can get too hot, and then you're all sweaty. Don't get me wrong...I love the outdoors. I love hiking, I love going running, I love love love the beach...but I love the outdoors on MY terms. And why that is anyone's business is beyond me.

So in the future, you enjoy nice weather your way, and leave me the $@&* alone to enjoy it my way. And when you ask me HOW I could possibly stay inside on SUCH a nice day...I'll say "like this" and then I'll lie down and go ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ... (though I might kick you in the shins first).

Poor Seat Etiquette

I am currently studying for the bar. There are about 300 people in the auditorium. Like most people, I arrived 10-15 minutes early for the first few weeks to secure the seat of my choosing. I am fully aware that absent a seating chart, no one may stake a claim to a seat indefinitely. However, MOST people in the room sit in approximately the same place every day. Due to the highly stressful nature of the bar, schedule and routine are one of the few things you can control, and thus one of the few sources of comfort during this hellish time.

I sit on the end because I am a person who drinks a lot of coffee and sometimes needs to use the restroom in the middle of class. I also have mild claustrophobia and like the security of the end seat. End seats are popular, so I make sure to get to class early enough to secure this coveted spot. I have sit in the exact same seat for about 6 weeks. Our bar lectures are about 3.5 hours, and there are two 10-minute breaks.

Today when I came back to my seat after the first break, someone was sitting in it. I was of course taken aback. Not only have I sat there for the entire summer, but I had been sitting there all morning. I said, "excuse me, I was sitting there." This person just looked at me and said, "I didn't know that." Despite the fact that my things were there. She did NOT move. I had to gather all of my things and move.

So I ask...WHO steals someone's seat? Who changes a seat in the middle of lecture? Who doesn't move once she finds out that someone was already sitting there? A big, big jerk, that's who. A very rude, inconsiderate, selfish person. I'm not saying I deserve any one seat any more than another person...but I got there first. And sat there for a substantial portion of the day. What more need I do? NOT take a break? Place a reserved sign on it? Write my name on it? Hire a seat filler?

The bar is stressful enough. You don't need childish seat-stealing making it worse. Common courtesy...that's all I'm saying...

Facebook Abuse

I fully admit that I am a lover of Facebook. I am on there at least once a day. Usually I'm playing Word Twist or Scramble. Facebook is addictive. It's hard to avoid getting sucked in and devoting several hours of your life to the Facebook gods. However, there is such a thing as excessively unreasonable Facebook use.

There are tell-tale signs if you are a Facebook abuser. Sign #1: You change your status message every time you do something. Joe is watching a movie. Joe is blowing his nose. Joe just went to the bathroom. Joe is about to eat dinner. Joe just ate dinner. I mean, really? You really take the time multiple times throughout the day to update your FACEBOOK STATUS MESSAGE?? REALLY?

Sign #2: You post new pictures of yourself multiple times a day, and/or you comment on your own photos. Facebook is a veritable Disneyland for narcissists. They post hundreds of pictures of themselves where they think they look just devastatingly amazing, and think there is actually another human being out there who takes the time to look at all of their pictures. They must think they are so unbelievably attractive that they are doing us all a service by sharing their beauty with the Facebook community. Um...yeah...we don't think you're as attractive as you think you are...and we think you're pretty vain.

Sign #3: You send out application requests on a daily basis to everyone you are friends with, regardless of whether you actually have regular contact with these people or if you actually know them. Stop with the indiscriminate application sending! You lose all credibility. You're the Facebook user who cried wolf. Someday you'll send something ridiculously important and everyone will ignore it. Happy now?

My policy is to delete anyone who does any of the above things. Because it is just really irritating. If you do one or more of the above things, then it's time to take a step back and assess your priorities. Would you rather live in a virtual world or the real world? And if the answer isn't clear to you...then I guess there's nothing I can do but un-Facebook-friend you. So long, obnoxious Facebook abuser...so long...

Saving Parking Spaces

Yesterday on a very busy road, a woman got out of a car to stand in a coveted open parking space. She stood in it until the car she was riding in was able to turn around, come back, and snag the spot. I find this behavior to be UNACCEPTABLE under MOST circumstances.

You can't save a parking spot by standing in it or by putting something in it, like a cone or a chair. MAYBE, and only maybe, this might be okay if you're moving and need to be right out front, or some other emergency. But otherwise, street parking is first come, first serve, especially in hard-to-park areas. And by that I mean first CAR that comes, not first person to stand in the spot. A car ready to park deserves a spot more than a car that has not yet arrived. It's that simple.

I was at IKEA once and wanted to pull into one of the 5-minute loading spaces. There was one open. My roommate was standing on the curb with huge boxes. Some stupid woman was standing in the spot saving it for her husband. I tried to pull in and the woman yelled at me. I was like, my friend is RIGHT there, with boxes. Your husband is still pulling out of the freaking garage. TOO BAD. And what the hell? They are 5-minute spaces! At MOST she would have had to wait 5-minutes for a new space. By the time we were done arguing and she still wouldn't move, I could have pulled in, loaded our stuff, and left before her dumb husband ever showed up. Why on earth did this woman feel entitled to a spot for her future needs over someone who is immediately there and ready? I have no idea. That woman is many, many bad things that require expletives.

So if you see an open space and you can't quite get to it, sorry...it's crappy luck, but it's the way it goes. Barring exceptional circumstances, you have to move on and accept that the first car there gets the spot. You don't deserve it more just because you SEE it first (and how do you even know you saw it first??). And if you're the person physically standing there to save the space...don't expect any sympathy if someone tries to run you over. You assume that risk when you do such a jerkface thing.

Personal Space Invaders

I loves me my personal space. Excessively so. It even took me a while to accept that many of my friends wish to hug hello and goodbye. Maybe I wasn't held enough as a child, who knows. My family isn't super "touchy," and I'm okay with that. So you can imagine my complete aversion to invasion of my personal space by complete and total strangers.

I understand that sometimes this is unavoidable. Like, it is understandable when you have to touch strangers on busy buses or subways, or at dance clubs, or in mosh pits. (Note: I have never, nor will I ever, voluntarily enter a mosh pit.) In these circumstances, I am willing to cede some territory to the enemy...within reason. What drives me crazy is when strangers invade my personal space when there is ample available room for them to inhabit without needing to offend my person with unnecessary touching.

For example, the other day I was waiting in line to get ice cream. A loud and obnoxious group of girls was behind me. I'm not sure if they were drunk, but they kept moving around, bumping into me in the process. I got hit with at least three purses and two rear ends. There was no one behind them in line, so why couldn't they continue their spastic conversation at least a foot outside of my range? Then they could flail about without disturbing others. Seeing as how I am studying for the bar, they are lucky their egregious touching didn't result in me erupting and spewing some stress-induced crazy all over them. But somehow I managed to contain myself.

Another time I was on the BART, and this quite large woman got on and stood in such a way as to literally paste me to the wall. I was actually on my tip-toes, unable to put my arms down. Said woman seemed to be completely unaware that she had put me in this awkward position. Again, there was PLENTY of room for her to stand in such a way that did not reduce me to a pancake stuck to the nasty BART wall. Yet, she just stood there. Finally some benevolent man grabbed my arm, pulled me out of my misery ,and gave me his seat. God bless that man, wherever he is.

I just don't understand it. If there is an open space, don't stand RIGHT next to me. If you don't have to, then DO NOT touch me. I have hopes that someday someone will invent a device that emits an invisible force field that will zap people who come within 3 inches of you. You can program it so that friends and loved ones don't get zapped. It will be fabulous. Until then, keep your appendages to yourself, please, and remember, nature abhors a vacuum. Fill that empty space, already!

Its-It's (and no, I don't mean the brand of delicious ice cream sandwich)

The following spelling/grammar/usage mistakes drive me NUTS. When I was a teacher I drilled the rules into my students. I suspect teachers everywhere are drilling these rules into the young, formative minds of their students. And yet I encounter people making these mistakes multiple times, every day. And I'm not talking accidental typos because you're typing too fast. I'm talking people really honestly don't know the rules. ARRRGGHH! (There are many more common errors, but the list below are among the more ubiquitous and egregious.)

THEIR-THEY'RE-THERE

"Their" is a possessive pronoun, as in "That is THEIR house." Note the spelling t-h-e-i-r and not t-h-i-e-r.

"They're" is a contraction, as in the shortened form of "they are," as in "They're going to come over soon."

"There" is for all other uses. "Put it over there." "There is a person at the door."

IT'S-ITS

"It's" is a contraction, as in "it is," as in "It's raining."

"Its" is a possessive pronoun, as in "The dog chased its tail."

GOOD and WELL

When you perform satisfactorily, you say you "did WELL." You do not say you "did GOOD." You can say you "did a good job," using "good" as an adjective. But you do not use "good" as an adverb.

LOSE and LOOSE

If you do not have control of something, you LOSE it, as in "I will hold this tightly so that I do not LOSE it." Or if you do not win, you LOSE. You do not LOOSE a game.

If something is not tight, it is LOOSE, as in "I have to tie up my dog so it does not run LOOSE."

I'm sure I'll think of more...if you think of any, let me know!

Service Industry Employees Who Hate Their Jobs

I used to be a waitress. Over the course of about 5 years, I worked at 3 different restaurants. I encountered really obnoxious customers who made lame jokes, and people who complained no matter what I did, and large parties who came in 10 minutes before closing and kept me there for hours on my $2/hour salary. But I did what I was paid to do...I smiled, I was friendly, I served them. Because it was my JOB. Sure, I had days where I was exhausted, or was having a terrible day. But it wasn't THEIR problem. My job was to serve them, and that is what I did.

Some people in the service industry so clearly HATE what they are doing that they are unable to hide their contempt and do their job. They act annoyed when you are seated in their section. They roll their eyes when you ask questions about the menu. They throw the bill at you and try to push you out of there. As though your existence in the restaurant is somehow a HUGE personal inconvenience to them. Recently I went to breakfast and was seated and smiled and said good morning to my waitress. She frowned and started complaining that she had too many tables. Yeah...not my fault. And now I'm uncomfortable and can't enjoy my meal. And it doesn't help that I'm a people pleaser who fears confrontation. All this drama and I just wanted pancakes and coffee.

Last I checked, restaurants are places where you go to order food and get it served to you. You even pay for this luxury, and if you're served well, you tip. So I don't need the attitude from my server when I am being polite and simply ordering a meal. I don't need to be made to feel uncomfortable or guilty that I am ruining my server's life. This is true for anyone whose job it is to serve: people who work at coffee shops, ice cream places, retail stores, etc. It is their JOB to help the customer. So why be a hater when a customer comes in and simply request that you perform the duties you are being paid to do??

Sometimes customers or patrons are pretty rude, I'll admit that. And if pushed, it is not entirely unreasonable for a service person to stand up for themselves rather than just sit there and take it. But there is something to the adage, "the customer is always right," especially when the customer hasn't done anything to make you mad.

If you hate serving people, then DON'T WORK IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY. If you can't take the heat, then don't have a job where you have to go back and forth from the kitchen. Go work somewhere where you don't have to interact with people and you can be as miserable as you want in your backroom or your cubicle. Or do what I did...go into the big walk-in freezer and swear really loudly before going back to your annoying table with a smile. I felt better, and my customers never knew how much I loathed them.

Filled-to-the-Rim Coffee Cups

Last night I went to a cafe. I asked for a small coffee. The cafe lady asked, "would you like room for cream?" I said, "yes, please." She gave me a cup of coffee filled to the rim.

This ALWAYS happens. Rarely, if ever, does any coffee pourer give you enough room for cream. They maybe give you room for like, a drop or two, IF you want to fill it to the point of spilling. And if that is their default position on an acceptable fill line, then fine, so be it. But if you bother to ASK me, "would you like room for cream," then why don't you actually leave me room for cream???

Recently I tried a new approach. I answered, "yes, please, lots." I thought the addition of "lots" might get me another centimeter or two of room. Nope. Still filled to the rim.

Perhaps these coffee-pouring renegades figure it is better to give me too much instead of not enough. And to be fair, I'm sure there are a bunch of people who complain if their coffee cup isn't sufficiently full. But if you ASK me if I want room, I am giving you license to in fact, give me room. And I will take responsibility for my own disappointment if I don't get enough. Otherwise, I end up dumping some of it into a nearby bus bucket, or if none if available, then into the trash. That makes me feel badly for the person who has to empty the trash. And it generally makes me feel bad to waste an inch of coffee every time I order. Sigh.

One last point on the topic...usually I am ordering coffee because I have not yet had coffee that day. My roommate and boyfriend can attest, you don't want to mess with me before I've had my first cup of the day. So fair warning to you barristas out there...if you ask me if I want room and then don't give it to me, I may not be responsible for my subsequent actions.

Sick People Unnecessarily Out in Public

I am in the middle of studying for the bar. It is obviously stressful, and I am aware that the stress is making me even more prone to irritation than usual. But today I was studying at a coffee shop, and the girl sitting next to me was hacking up a lung and loudly blowing her nose...repeatedly. She was clearly quite sick. And yet, here she was out in public instead of in bed, coughing and blowing away.

WHY do sick people go out into public when they don't NEED to? This girl was with a friend and they were chit-chatting the whole time (quite loudly, but that's beside the point), so obviously she wasn't under some pressing deadline to get something done. So what gives? Last semester during finals the same thing happened...this girl was in the cafe at the law school reading a book, and she had the most horrific sounding cough. I could not figure out WHY was she in a crowded cafe??

Okay, maybe you have work to do. But you are in a CAFE...it is not quiet and there are many distractions. So study at home! Or if for some reason home is even more distracting and/or impossible to work in, then go somewhere less crowded. Otherwise, you're exposing everyone in your vicinity to your infectious germs. Not only is it distracting to have to hear these people coughing, sneezing, and blowing their nose incessantly, but it actually puts the rest of us at risk of getting sick. How unbelievably selfish is that? I understand if you have a final that you can't reschedule, or you can't miss a day of work, or you have a necessary appointment, or you need to go to a store for something...but studying in a crowded, busy place does not strike me as particularly necessary, given the risks to the innocent bystanders around you.

As a related note, I also don't understand the super-loud, honking nose blow. I can blow my nose quite effectively most of the time without sounding like a tortured goose. And if I can't, I excuse myself to the restroom. I believe that's what is known as common courteousy.

So in conclusion, if you are sick and you must be out in public because you will get fired or fail out of school or some other catastrophe will ensue, then you are exempt from these criticisms. But if you are sick and you could be home but you decided to come to a crowded place anyway and spread your disease...then shame on you, you big selfish jerk. You owe me a bottle of Nyquil.

Crotch Rockets

I was walking home today, and some guy sped by on a crotch rocket going quite fast. It was SOOOOOO loud that it actually hurt my ears. Is there really a need to drive your motorcycle in such a way as to inflict physical pain on others? Jackass.

I could go on, but I feel the obnoxiousness of the crotch rocket is so obvious that it needs no further explanation.

Automatic Toilets/Faucets/Hand Dryers

I hate automatic things in the bathroom. They seem to always do the exact opposite of what you want them to. The toilet, for instance, likes to flush while I am sitting on it. And yet, when I stand up and actually want it to flush, it does not. How disgusting for the toilet to flush while you are on it, as you inevitability get splashed with some toilet water that is composed of part water and part GOD KNOWS what else. EW. And how disgusting to leave a toilet unflushed. See? Automatic toilet is crap (pun intended). Give us the manual flusher back and we'll continue to flush it with our foot and everyone's happy.

Same with the automatic faucet. You sit there and wave your hand under it. Nothing happens. You keep waving. Nothing. And there is no alternative method of initiating water flow. So you sit there and keep waving like an idiot and hope that you can engage in sanitary hygiene practices like washing your hands after using a stupid toilet that flushed on you.

If you are lucky enough to be able to wash your hands, then you are faced with the automatic dryer, or the new-fangled automatic paper towel dispenser. You wave and wave and no hot air starts blowing or no paper towel comes out. And now you're waving with wet hands, which start dripping all down your arms and soaking your sleeves. Often you give up and just wipe your hands on your pants. Now those are wet, too.

So let's recap: You just wanted to use the facilities. Now you've had nasty toilet water spewed on you, you may not have been able to wash your hands, and your sleeves and/or pants are all wet. All of this courtesy of a technology that is supposed to enable us to not have to touch anything in the bathroom. Hmmm...

P.S. These automatic annoyances are further evidence that machines are evil and intentionally mess with us. See previous post on (Evil) Automated Phone Operators.

Being Lax with the Laundry Room

First of all, I apologize for the long delay in posting. Graduation was super busy, and then I got to unwind in Santa Barbara for a week. But I'm back, with many more things that drive me nuts.

Okay...so I live in an apartment building with one washing machine and one dryer. Though there are only seven units, there is a perpetual battle to get laundry done. In my busy schedule, I often find myself with a very small window of time to clean my clothes, and so when I bag it all up and carry it down to the basement, I'm hoping for the best. When the machine is going, then all's fair, someone got there first, I have to wait. But what is INTOLERABLE is when the machine is off and you're psyched, but when you open the washer or dryer, someone's clothes are just sitting there.

Now, I'm not saying anyone should have to sit down there and transfer their clothes the moment the machine stops. There is a grace period. But if you leave your crap down there for more than 20 minutes, you're a real pain in the butt. I'll leave and wait 15 minutes and come back. Stuff still there. Leave and come back, leave and come back...stuff still there. Where did the person go?? And are they EVER coming back? Do they think they are the only person who needs to clean their clothes? They're all, "I'll just throw my clothes in here and then go on vacation for a week." Jerks.

I think it's fair game to take someone's stuff out of the wash and stick it in the dryer if they don't show after 20 minutes. But then you know they'll show up at the last minute and start the dryer the second you're ready for it. So you have to wait AGAIN. If they don't show up, then you have to haul their crap back into the washer. It sucks.

And all the while, it's just awkward. I don't exactly like touching other people's clothes. And I'm sure they don't like me touching their clothes. I also live in fear of the moment that ensues when they show up in the middle of me moving their crap. AWKWARD. You're all, "hi...here's your underwear." Taking stuff out of the dryer is even trickier. It's okay to leave wet clothes in a pile in the dryer...but I don't want to leave someone's dry, clean clothes in a heap. So am I supposed to fold their stuff? It seems polite...but it takes forever and makes it even more likely that they will walk in while I'm handling their delicates. And why should they get nicely folded laundry? That's rewarding inconsiderate behavior. It's just a bad situation.

I long for the day when I have my own washer and dryer. When I don't have to wonder what kind of funky stuff someone is sticking in there, when I don't have to clean out a stranger's lint trap, and when I don't have to hoard quarters like they're gold. Alas, for now I must continue to rely on other people's laundry etiquette...and hold my breath while I handle my neighbors' unmentionables.