Facebook Spoilers

I have noticed a growing and highly disturbing trend in Facebook status messages. A certain population of Facebook users seem to find it acceptable to post spoilers as their status messages, effectively ruining many important and exciting revealing moments for the rest of us sad saps. You would think people would just intuitively KNOW not to do something so douchey, but apparenty not.

Mike and I, like MANY other people out there, like to DVR tv shows and watch them later so we can skip commercials. Additionally, we're out here in California, so whatever happens on the East Coast takes 3 hours to make its way to us. And yet people refuse to consider these reasonable facts and instead decide it would be a good idea to post revealing info that absolutely deprive us from having our own organic experiences. This is in very poor taste, my friends. Very poor taste indeed.

Example: I'm not a huge Oscars fan, but I do love knowing the big 3 of Best Actress, Best Actor, and Best Picture. This year I trudged through the nearly the entire show waiting for Best Actor with great anticipation. With about 20 minutes of the show left, at least 6 people posted something like, "OMG I can't believe Sean Penn won Best Actor!!!" Entire Oscars ruined. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MISS LIPPY.

Another example: People on earlier time zones always post who gets kicked off of reality shows. Seriously, people? SERIOUSLY? You feel the need to post it on Facebook the SECOND it happens, before the rest of the United States has had a chance to find out for themselves??? One of the highlights of my week this summer has been So You Think You Can Dance. I love the dancers this season and I look forward to Thursday nights where I bite my nails while waiting to see if my favorites are going home. And even though I can skip to the end, I like the drama and the build up and the anticipation (doesn't everyone??). I work hard all week, surely I deserve this small pleasure? But no... I will log on to Facebook at around 7 pm and some East Coast asshole has written, "OMG I can't believe Randi got kicked off!" The ENTIRE SHOW is then destroyed for me, because why even bother watching when I know the outcome???

Last week my friend posted something about SYTYCD and I quickly wrote back and said, "I haven't seen it yet, please don't post any spoilers!!" Maybe 5 minutes later her friend responded to the SAME thread saying who got kicked off. WHAT THE F---?? I specifically asked for no spoilers! People, come ON! Can't you just wait a reasonable amount of time so as to ensure that everyone has had a fair chance? Is that SO difficult??

Mike says it is my fault for being on Facebook at any time when I don't want something to be revealed. I suppose this is somewhat true. But sometimes I just forget and log on anyway, and then get punished by someone's careless post. And why should I have to avoid Facebook? How about these Facebook Spoilers just think about other people for once and not just their own selfish whims? How about a little self-restraint when it comes to posting content that might possibly ruin something for someone else? I swear, if Facebook existed in the late 90's, a million morons would have posted, "OMG I can't believe Bruce Willis was dead the WHOLE MOVIE."

So yeah, I'm really freaking sick of people on Facebook ruining things for me. Can't you at least post something vague, like you were surprised, or you were unhappy, but not reveal the actual spoiler??? Or if you absolutely must share your reaction to some big reveal, call someone or send them an email. Don't put it out there for everyone to see and RUIN EVERYTHING for the rest of us. Or in the LEAST write "SPOILER ALERT" in big letters before your post. That at least gives the rest of us a small chance of avoiding your bad taste.

Anyway, I am considering unfriending anyone who posts any more Facebook spoilers. I will also try to avoid Facebook for the Oscars and SYTYCD and any other time I don't want some dumbass to spoil everything. It's a shame that I have to resort to this, but desperate times...

P.S. The picture really has nothing to do with the post, but it's HILARIOUS.

Renegade Cyclists

Last night I got out of work and was walking to my car. I looked left and right and stepped into the crosswalk. A cyclist came whizzing by and passed behind me, fully clad in his uniform of bright yellow spandex and expensive polarized lenses. He yells at me: JESUS CHRIST YOU DIDN'T EVEN LOOK WHERE YOU WERE GOING!!!!

1) Yes I did. I looked left and right and saw no cars (or bikes for that matter). I proceeded. I didn't realize that once IN the crosswalk, I was supposed to remain hyper-vigilant in case of random attacks from assholes on bikes.

2) BIKERS HAVE TO FOLLOW THE VEHICLE CODE. That means cyclists have to yield to pedestrians, and stop at stop signs, and stay off the sidewalk, and look where the hell they're going. And yet this rarely happens. I can't even count the number of times I have almost been run down by some guy on a bike who thinks that just b/c he is sparing the air by choosing a bike over a car that he gets to be above the law and do whatever the hell he wants and act like a first class douche. I HATE that mentality...oh, I'm doing the environment a favor, so everyone get the hell out of my way! That's like saying, "I recycle, so it's okay if I assault a few elderly people." One good act does not give you free license to put other people in danger.

I love how this guy was recklessly zooming down a busy downtown street and yet I am the one who gets yelled at. How come the police are all over you if you're in a parking space for 30 seconds past your meter, and yet they are nowhere to be found when some jackass in spandex is blatantly giving the finger to the rules of the road? In any event, I hope that guy hits a pothole and has a "come to Jesus" moment with his bike frame.

The "Why Aren't You Married" Stigma (a.k.a. You Can Like It Even If You Didn't Put a Ring On It)

Recently I have been asked the following extremely annoying question by several people, on several occasions: You and your boyfriend live together, why aren't you engaged? Besides being a sensitive and highly personal question, there is NO good answer. There is nothing you can say that doesn't come off as defensive or that actually satisfies the asker. I know, because I have tried to find the perfect response, but to no avail. They have a rebuttal to any reasonably argument I try to make as to why my unmarried cohabitation is AOK. No matter what I say, I WILL be judged.

I've tried the classic response, "we're happy with the way things are," but no one ever believes that. They think I'm secretly dying for a big rock, and won't feel complete until my poor ring finger is no longer tragically naked. I've tried, "we know we want to be together, so we aren't in a rush," but then they ask why we don't just get married if we know we want to be together. I've tried being practical: "Mike is in law school, Mike is studying for the bar, we are both just getting started in our careers, I don't want to lose eligibility for my loan repayment program, etc" but apparently people think matrimony supersedes all financial, logistical, or other reasonable and practical life considerations. I'm SURE the CA Bar Examiners would give Mike some extra time on the test if they knew he was getting MARRIED! I've even tried, "we're broke and can't afford a wedding." I thought that would shut people up, but that response also never satisfies. They tell me my parents will pay for it. I tell them this is unlikely. So they suggest taking out a loan. I don't think that the solution to being broke is to add to your debt. They then try suggesting that we just have a "small, inexpensive wedding." Ugh. After Prop 8 passed, we felt very strongly about not getting married until Prop 8 is overturned, and tried to explain this to people. But even though that logic is good enough for Brangelina, it ain't good enough for the general population. In sum...I can't win.

No matter what I say, I end up feeling like I have just been put through some weird social test which I have failed miserably. They think I'm some poor girl whose man won't commit, or my relationship isn't as good as I think it is, or I should be planning some fake pregnancy to force the issue. (I've also started getting the whole "you're 30, you don't have all the time in the world to have babies, you'd better get on that" line of comments, but that is a whole other infuriating and rude topic.)

My response to all of this? BLLLLLLLLLLEEEECK. Leave me alone! I won't even bother saying all those things about how it is no one's business, or how I know what is best for myself, or how every couple is different. I will only say this: That is a RUDE ass question, and no one should ask it, especially of someone they don't know that well. And Beyonce, darling...I love your work, but you're not helping.

P.S. If anyone can come up with an excellent response to the question of "why aren't you married?" that both shuts someone up and points out to them that they are being rude, or that is just really funny, PLEASE pass it along! I'd love to hear your suggestions...

Update: I Forgive Starbucks (Mostly)

So today I went to pick up the "drink coupons" we were promised as a result of Mike being accused of stealing. When I said I was there to pick up the coupons, they looked scared. This woman goes, "oh, here, let me help you. Um...we found your $5." Of COURSE you did. Because we paid with a $10!!!! I'm sure the register was over by $5, and they realized that accusatory barista was just an ass. Hooray, Mike's good name is cleared! They apparently thought I was going to be a big jerk about it. But I wasn't. I wasn't looking to be a jerk, I just wanted my money! Although it took forever to get the money and coupons out of the safe, and while I was waiting I ordered a tall coffee, and they charged me for it. Ha! I kind of thought I might have gotten it for free, but whatever.

Anyway, they did get the safe open, and gave me my $5 back AND two drink coupons. Which was nice, so I'm going to end my Starbucks boycott.

However...the guy who kept accusing Mike was pretty aggressive. I think he should have apologized. He wasn't there when I went in, but he could have left a short note in the envelope. Because he was WRONG and falsely accused a customer of LYING and trying to STEAL! I understand that people don't apologize much unless they are forced to, and it isn't the hugest deal. But it would have been nice.

At the end of the day, the biggest issue was that I deserved to get my money back. And that's exactly what happened. So even though I think it was crappy of the barista to be so nasty to Mike and accuse him of lying/stealing, I'll let it go. Which is good, because I really like my grande nonfat lattes, and it is RIGHT near my house...

Gimme My Money, Starbucks!!

A few days, I gave Mike some money to buy something at the store. He came back and gave me a $10 bill as my change. I put it in my cup holder. I remember seeing it every time I got into my car for the next several days. I even remember thinking "hmm...I don't get $10 bills that often." This fact will become relevant shortly.

This morning, I gave Mike the $10 bill from the cup holder to buy us both coffee. He ran into Starbucks and I waited in the car. Mike returned with $1 in change for 2 coffees. Um...where's the rest of my money???

Apparently the guy told Mike he owed $4, Mike gave him the $10, and the guy gave him $1 back. Mike says, "Excuse me, I gave you a $10." The guy says, "Nope, you gave me a $5. I'm sure of it." Mike understandably gets mad. He says, "No, I'm 100% positive I gave you a $10." The guy tells him he is 100% positive it was a $5. Mike asks for a manager. The guy says we'd have to contact SEATTLE to look at the tape recording and see who was telling the truth, and that would take at least 30 minutes. Mike and I were meeting some friends, so he just left.

He gets in the car and I'm all "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL NO! We are calling those shady bastards this INSTANT!" So we called, and the woman who answered said the same thing about having to call Seattle to review the tapes. And of course no one is in the Seattle office today, because it is a holiday. Um...can't they just count the register? If it's even, the barista was right (which he SO was NOT), and if it's over $5, then we are telling the truth (and it of course would have been over $5.). But this isn't an option?

What kind of a racket is this??? Apparently any sketchy barista can lie about how much money you gave them, and then simply say "oh, too bad, we have to have the execs from Seattle sort this out, and it will take a LONG time," so that you just give up and walk away out of frustration, and then they are ostensibly free to pocket your money. I don't think so, Star-take my 5-bucks.

At least the woman on the phone was nice, and she agreed to give us $5 in Starbucks drink coupons. Oh great. So after they try to steal our money, we get coupons to give them more business. Fantastic. Also, all the while the barista who caused this whole problem was in the background yelling "I know it was a $5 bill! He gave me a $5!" So basically we can't ever go in there again anyway, since they will surely spit in our coffee.

I know it's only $5, but no way can they get away with that behavior. Maybe they get a lot of people in there trying to swindle them. And maybe since it was only $5, we should have just let it go. But I'm not so keen on some giant corporation accusing us of lying and taking our money, leaving us with no recourse. Although it is ONLY $5, it is MY $5, and I would like it back.

So anyway, I just thought it was kind of funny that I had my $10 bill in my cup holder for a few days, or else I NEVER would have been so absolutely positive that Mike had paid with a $10. I also thought that companies these days were smart enough to leave your money out in plain view until they give you change, to avoid such potential conflicts. Guess not.

So for the foreseeable future, I'm totally anti-Starbucks. I will probably get over it next time I'm desperate for caffeine and Starbucks is the only thing in sight. But for now, they will be known as Starsucks. Because they do suck. A latte.

Aspiring Musicians

Last night Mike and I were on BART going to his graduation party. (Hooray for Mike! He has a JD!!! Congrats!) To my supreme annoyance (but also mild amusement), two aspiring musicians were sitting behind us.

These two fit every cliche you can imagine. White, 20-something, shabbily dressed, likely high. One of them was a WBWD (white boy with dreads). Mike and I couldn't help but listen to their loud conversation during the 30-minute ride whille we silently judged them. In between all the "dudes" and the "mans" and the "ya knows," the dialogue contained some real gems. Below are a few excerpts from their "deep" conversation:

-Dude, you really need to push your chops.

-I'm trying to make music that's outside the box, man.

-I'm still not down from the clouds, man, ya know?

-I'm trying to push my sonic level.

-We're just like, on a different creative journey.

-There's been this stagnant vibe, dude.

And my personal favorite:
Dude number one: Dude, this is the SUMMER of seeing shows.
WBWD: Wait...didn't we spend all of LAST summer seeing shows?
Dude number one: Well, like, this summer will be even BETTER.

And at one point, WBWD got all serious and says, "I've got to admit it's getting better. It's getting better...all the time." Then they both pondered how deep those lyrics are. Oh...my...GOD.

I swear, all of those statements were all actually said by these two dudes. Mike is my witness. I even took out a piece of paper from my purse and wrote them down, so that their profound wisdom would not be lost in the universe.

BARF...ME. Why are so many aspiring musicians such blatant cliches??? I know I sound like a big jerk (and hell, maybe I am a big jerk), but I have dated three aspiring musicians in my past, and they all fit this stereotype to a TEE. I have yet to meet any aspiring musician who was any different from any other aspiring musician. From my experience, they are pretentious, think they are SO unique, and love to blame the world for "not understanding them." And most often don't have gainful employment. Who has time to work when you're "changing the world with your unique sound," ya know?

Dude, man, whatever you are...take a shower, put down the bong, and get a JOB, like, ya know. The odds are you possess mediocre musical ability, your songs are probably boring at best, and there exists an outside chance in hell that you will "make it." If you must, keep your bass guitar as a nice little hobby, and hit up the occasional open mic night...but how about growing up a bit? There is nothing unique about you, except that you are uniquely NOT contributing to society.

My Gym Nemesis

There is a woman at my gym whom I have decided is my sworn enemy. I hate her. Here is why I hate her:

Every evening, she gets on an elliptical machine and starts GOING AT IT. Like, ridiculously so. She tenses up, puts her head down, and starts pumping her arms and legs like she's on speed or something. I think she might be demon possessed.

So yes, that is irritating, but it is not why I hate her. I hate her because while she is flailing like a madwoman on her machine, she breathes EXCESSIVELY loud. She forces out every exhale with a highly audible sound, which comes out rapid fire due to her strenuous pace. It sounds like this: tshoo, tshoo, tshoo, tshoo, etc. It is SO loud that it fills the room, and is SO ridiculously distracting. I can't focus on anything except for how annoying she is and how much I hate her and want to cause her physical harm. I have to blast my music to drown her out, and even then I can STILL hear her! She is ridiculous. Her and her dumb French braid and tight capri workout pants.

Then she gets off the elliptical and gets on a stationary bike to cool down. You'd think she would stop the loud breathing. But nope. She slows it down, but does not lower the volume. TSHOOOOOO, TSHOOOOOO, TSHOOOOOOO. I thought of asking the woman at the front desk if she could tell madwoman to shut the hell up because she is ruining my workout, but I'm pretty sure the front desk lady would think I was nuts, and would possibly even revoke my membership.

Madwoman also seems to have this magical power of knowing when I've gotten onto a machine, and then picks the one DIRECTLY next to me. When she shows up, I almost want to stop working out and move to a new machine, just to avoid her. A few times I have forgotten my iPod, and when she showed up, I seriously almost left the gym altogether.

So if that wasn't bad enough, she did the crappiest thing today. At our gym you have to write down the time you get on, and you're only supposed to be on there for 30 minutes. But people stay on longer all the time, which I find acceptable as long as there are open machines. Today, obnoxious madwoman went up to the perfectly normal woman on the machine next to me and said, "excuse me, you've been on the machine for 3o minutes." You may be thinking, those are the rules, what is wrong with that? But there were several EMPTY MACHINES. In fact, there was one RIGHT next to her! And the poor woman only had like, 2 minutes left. Who kicks someone off a machine when there are identical machines free and available??? This assface, that's who. So there she is next to me AGAIN, making we want to hurl my full Sigg bottle at her head.

To sum up: assface French-braided madwoman is not only supremely irritating, but she is also a huge jerk. And she is my nemesis. A showdown is looming. I'll keep you posted.

More Things I Hate About Flying

Yeah, yeah, I know...every time I fly I find something to complain about. Well it's because flying is rife with potential for irritating people. Below is a list of the things that drove me NUTS during my most recent east-to-west coast jaunt:

1. The head-bobber: You know when people are asleep, and their head falls to the side, but then their subconscious causes them to snap their head back up, and then they fall back down, and snap back up, etc. Well not only did the girl next to me do this for 5 STRAIGHT HOURS, which was extraordinarily distracting and irritating, but every single damn time she fell toward me, not in the other direction. Also, she had long hair, so it would hit my arm EVERY time. I had to deal with some random stranger's hair hitting my arm every 30 seconds for 5 hours. I seriously almost hit her. Get one of those neck pillows! When we landed, she put her hair in a ponytail. Too little, too late...

2. Snorers: If you know that you snore like a chainsaw, you should be banned from falling asleep on planes. Seriously. Or at least get a Breathe Right strip or something.

3. Bringing your bed pillow from home: Yeah, we know, those airplane pillows are small, uncomfortable, and likely germ ridden. But there really isn't room in your seat for you and your full-size bed pillow. It forces you to encroach upon your neighbor's space. Either suck it up and go pillowless, or again, buy a c-shaped neck pillow.

4. Rude flight attendants: I'm not sure if they tell you this, but one of your essential job functions as a flight attendant is to ATTEND TO PASSENGERS. So whenever I get a flight attendant who rolls his or her eyes and is rude to anyone who dares ask him or her for anything, I must wonder why he or she chose this profession. On one of my flights, a passenger asked a simple question about her connecting flight, and the flight attendant snapped at her and said, "My only job is to get people drinks." I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure that is not your ONLY job as flight attendant. On another flight there was a lot of turbulence, and the Fasten Seatbelt sign was illuminated almost the entire 6-hour flight. Obviously during a 6-hour period, people inevitably need to use the bathroom! So obviously they had to get up while the sign was illuminated. The flight attendants kept yelling at people to sit down, quite rudely. Would they prefer these passengers wet their seats?

5. Rude passengers: People really need to stop yelling at airport employees for things that are beyond their control. One of my flights was delayed due to bad weather. Bad weather = no human being's fault. And yet multiple people were yelling at the ticket agents because they were going to be late and miss their connection. Hmmm...does yelling at the ticket agent stop the bad weather? Does it magically make the airplane take off sooner? Nope. It just makes you a bad person. I also heard people asking if they could call the airline at the connecting airport and ask them to hold their connection. Oh yeah, SURE. Let's hold an entire flight for ONE late passenger. You're that important. Way more important than EVERYONE else on the flight.

Of course it was all worth it to see my dear friend become happily married, and to spend time with my lovably nutty family. But no more flying for me for a few months...

Deli Counter Jerks

This grievance is very similar to a past post on line cutters, but I am so annoyed by this recent experience that I feel compelled to post.

Last week I went to the deli counter at Safeway to grab a sandwich to make it through a ver late night at work. There was a man being helped, so I stood to his left and patiently waited. The woman making his sandwich was taking her slooooooooooooooow asssssssssss tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime, so I waited for at least 10 minutes. Finally, another woman came over. At that exact moment, some punk 20-something guy walked over. She went right to him and asked him what he wanted! Despite the fact that I had clearly been standing there waiting to be helped for quite some time.

Now, this woman was a jerk for ignoring me, but so was the guy. Dude, I obviously hadn't been helped yet. The courteous thing to do was tell the deli lady that I was there first and let me order first. But nope...selfish jerkface guy placed his order and got instant help. I had to wait even LONGER than I already had. Nice manners, DB. You'll make some woman very lucky someday...

So immediately after she takes his order, THEN the mean deli woman looks at me and says, "oh...are you waiting?" Um, YEAH. She goes, "well you were supposed to wait over HERE," and nodded slightly to the left of where I was standing. There was no sign anywhere that said "wait here." And I was standing a 2 feet from the spot. And clearly she knew I was waiting. She ignored me on purpose. I must have seriously offended her sense of rightness by waiting 2 feet away from the "correct" sandwich ordering spot.

As she had not began making DB's sandwich, one of the two of the jerks could have let me go first. But nope. She made his order. Serves me right for standing to the LEFT of the guy who was already there instead of standing to his RIGHT. How DARE I?

Moral of the story: guy who walked in and got help instantly even though I had clearly gotten there first and was waiting = big jerk. Deli woman who intentionally ignored me and punished me for not magically knowing the correct place to stand to place my order = bigger jerk. It took me almost 20 minutes to get a crappy Safeway sandwich, and I left in a foul mood. I hate rude, inconsiderate people. :(

Ode to the Bicyclist on Redhill Blvd

For choosing a bicycle over a car, reducing carbon emissions, and promoting a healthy lifestyle...I would like to thank you.

For riding far enough into road so that no cars can pass you, on a majorly busy city road, during peak commuting hours, thus creating a long snake of angry drivers who would like to drive faster than 15 mph so they can get home and eat dinner...I would like to kick you in your spandex-clad ASS.

Leaving You High and Not So Dry

We've all been there. You've just done your business in the lavatory. You reach for the toilet paper. BUT IT'S NOT THERE. You're face to face with the terrible sight of the tiny brown empty cardboard tube. What do you do now??? You're literally stuck sitting there, unclean, panicking, wondering what TERRIBLE AWFUL PERSON took the last of the toilet paper and did NOTHING about it, leaving you to wonder how the hell you're going to get out of there with your dignity intact! WHO WOULD INFLICT THIS ON THEIR FELLOW MAN???

Most of the time for guys, it ain't no thing. A little shake, zip up, they're out. But for women, it is far more complicated. What are we to do? Maybe there is a paper toilet seat cover nearby. Not exactly absorbent, and definitely not Angel Soft, but it's better than nothing. If you're lucky, you have a tissue in your purse. If none of those are on hand, you have limited options. You can suck it up and zip up, knowing that you will be forced to spend the rest of your day feeling icky and ashamed. You can sit there for as long as you can, wiggle around a bit to shake it off, then wait to air dry as much as possible to minimize the ickiness. Do you (GASP) use your hand? Can you live with yourself? Or do you stay put until some kind soul comes around, so you can beg for some toilet paper, hoping that the passer-by can spare a square?

When it comes to numero dos, things are far more dire. There is NO acceptable solution in this situation. Whether male or female, it is highly unacceptable to pull up the pants after a number two. The horror. The HORROR. The mental anguish. Not to mention the severe sanitation concerns, and the subsequent need to throw away and possibly burn whatever you were wearing that day.

So this all begs the question...WHO WOULD DO THIS TO YOU???

With public restrooms, it is the fault of the establishment. The onus is not on the random member of the public who uses the last of the toilet paper at say, the movie theater, or a restaurant. There needs to be regular checks of those stalls. If a roll is getting low, you restock. You have a backup roll on hand at ALL times. If these are not your regular restroom practices, you are not fit to run a business.

In residential situations, if you are the one who gets down to the cardboard tube, then you have a moral obligation to do something about it. If you live there, you replace it. If you are a guest, you tell whoever lives there to refill. Smart people bring out another roll when the old one is running low. And for the love of GOD, keep some spare rolls under the bathroom sink!

And you know what is almost worse than leaving it completely empty? Leaving it with ONE sheet left. You know that sheet that is half glued to the tube, hanging off in scraps? Whoever leaves that flapping in the wind and thinks that they are not screwing over the next person is a real asshole. That one "sort-of" sheet merely taunts the stranded sitter, adding insult to injury.

And yet, people still take the last sheet, enjoy the luxury of its availability, wash their hands (hopefully), and just walk out. They don't think about the deep emotional scars they are inflicting on the poor soul sitting there, up a creek without a paddle, hating whoever did this to them, hating themself, and ruing whatever they recently ate or drink that has forced them into this terrible position.

Most of us haven't been used to sitting in our own waste since the diaper days. There are few things more abhorrent. So I implore you...don't wipe and walk. It's a sacred region down there. Let's give it the respect it deserves.

And a tip to the rest of us...check the roll BEFORE you go. I know sometimes you're faced with an emergency, but that quick TP scan can save you from colossal disaster. And you're worth it.

People in Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Grocery Carts

Mike was just at the grocery store, and a kid around 8 or 9 was throwing some sort of tantrum. He was whining about not getting something he wanted, and to show his discontent, he was jerking the cart around and pushing it in front of his mother to get to her. The mother did nothing...didn't tell him to stop, didn't take the cart away from him...nothing.

A bit later, Mike was bending over to pick something up from the dairy section and a cart suddenly jammed into his calf and Achilles tendon. That's right, you guessed it...in the throes of his continuing tantrum the little punk kid had catapulted the cart right into Mike's leg. Out of instinct, Mike exclaimed "Ow, what the $@&#!" I'd say that's a pretty normal reaction when a cart slams into you unexpectedly.

So what did oblivious mother do? Did she apologize? Did she ask Mike if he was okay? Nope...she scolded Mike for swearing. Um...HUH? I know Mike should not have sworn, but her kid should not have been whipping the cart around, or he would not have rammed it into Mike's leg, thus instigating the swear. If it's anyone's fault, it's HERS. Ironically, the kid actually had a look of remorse on his face before his mom stepped in to yell at Mike. Good thing his mom took away any chance of him learning a lesson from all this...

Bottom line, I'm pretty sure she would have been pissed if Mike scolded her for the way she was handling her son's tantrum. ("How DARE you question my parenting skills??!!!") But somehow she thought she had the right to scold Mike for swearing? People like her have no self-awareness...they don't see their own flaws, yet have no problem telling everyone else what is wrong with them.

All I'm saying is if you don't have your own crap in order, don't go around telling other people what to do. Because it just makes you an asshole. And a really bad role model for your kid.

Gas Pump Hogs

This past weekend, my friend and I were driving back from LA to SF. My friend had to be back to SFO for a flight, and though we were making excellent time, we didn't have much time to spare. We inevitably had to stop for some gas, and pulled into an Arco.

Despite the fact that there were 3 gas pumps in a row, this girl decided to park her car at the first pump, even though she could have pulled up. Then she went inside the station to do who knows what. Buy some stuff, use the restroom. It was ages before she came back and even BEGAN pumping. There was not enough room to drive around her and go to one of the two empty pumps ahead of her. So we were stuck, sitting there, waiting for this selfish hog to do her thing before she decided she felt like pumping her gas.

People...ALWAYS PULL UP!!! You don't just take the first pump and stop. That is absurd. You pull as far forward as you can, to the last pump possible, so you aren't taking up ALL 3 pumps, when you only need ONE. You also pump your gas, and move the hell out of the way. You don't just leave your car there while you run your errands. Repark your car out of the way and THEN use the bathroom and buy your Diet Pepsi and your nachos. It's that simple.

I thought this was well-known gas pumping etiquette. ESPECIALLY when you are at a gas station off of a major highway, where many, MANY people will be stopping for gas and don't want to take all day to do so. This jerkface turned a normally 5-minute stop into a nearly 20-minute stop, for absolutely no reason. Why do I continue to be shocked by this type of completely selfish behavior? Will I ever learn??

Note: my friend did make her flight, despite the dumb girl's self-absorbed, egomaniacal gas pumping habits. But only due to my super speedy I-5 driving prowess...

FILL THE DAMN BRITA!!!

I just went to the refrigerator at work to pour myself a nice glass of Brita-filtered water. I was ridiculously thirsty. I opened the fridge...and the Brita pitcher was completely empty.

What the hell is going through your head when you pour the last of the water and then decide to put the EMPTY pitcher back in there? I'm assuming it goes something like this: "Oops, water's all gone. The courteous thing to do would be to refill it before putting it back into the fridge, but I am extremely lazy and selfish, and so I will take my delicious cold water and be happy, and too bad for whatever punk is next in line. Wah ah ah!!!"

So yes, I had to fill the pitcher and sit there while it filtered through, meanwhile dying of thirst, only to then drink my lukewarm water. Thank you very much, person who took the last of the water and did not fill it.

Also, a little fyi: an empty plastic pitcher need not be refrigerated. Just leave it on the counter, selfish lazyface. At least then I'll know I'm SOL before I open the fridge in parched anticipation.

Rude People at the Airport

Ooooooh...back to back posts! (I also just noticed that I make egregious use of the ellipsis...)

Last weekend I was flying back from Denver for a nice weekend with my college roommate, and I once again noticed that people at airports are VERY ANGRY.

First, I was walking by one of those annoying people who are trying to sell you credit cards to get free airline tickets. This woman was with Frontier, and she says as I walk by, "Do you know about our offer to get free flights?" I said, "no thank you" and smiled and kept walking. Then her smile dissolved and she got all hostile and says, "I didn't OFFER you ANYTHING, I just ASKED if you knew about it." Whoa...is that really necessary, especially for someone in the sales industry? I should have gotten her name and reported her. "Excuse me, credit card company? Do you know that your salesperson at the Denver airport is an angry, horrible person?"

Then I went to Caribou Coffee to buy Mike a bag of coffee, since it reminds him of his Minnesota upbringing. The guys behind the counter had an extremely difficult time ringing up the bag. It wasn't working, and it took three people to finally get it right. Irritating, yes, but completely not my fault. To be polite, I turned to the woman behind me and smiled and said, "I'm so sorry it is taking so long." She rolled her eyes at me and sighed loudly. Well excuuuuuuuuuuuse me for trying to be polite!!!

Anyway, I don't understand why people have to be so angry, especially when I am smiling and being polite. Let go of your anger, people. It doesn't get you what you want or get you where you're trying to go. It just makes you ugly and gives you ulcers and whatnot.

Offers for Extended Warranty

I'm no fool...I put my cell phone number on the "Do Not Call" list as soon as I found out about it. So why, I ask, do I get a phone call almost once a week offering me some extended warranty for my vehicle?

It's a recording of some woman's voice, and she tries to make it sound like it is specific to me. She says something about how time is running out to extend the warranty, and how I can activate it to protect the life of my vehicle, or some garbage like that. Interesting that time seems to be of the essence, since I've been getting the same message for MONTHS now. I wish the offer WOULD run out so they would stop calling me. They also try to get tricky and call from a different number every time. But I'm on to them. I never answer numbers that I don't recognize.

In addition to it being supremely irritating, it also sucks up my cell phone minutes. I waste at least a minute each time I have to go in and delete the voice mail. Since they call me several times a month, those jerkfaces owe me several minutes per month in cell phone minutes!

I'm wondering if ANYONE is actually foolish enough to buy into this garbage scam. I'm also wondering how they are able to call me so many times despite my number being on the "Do Not Call" list. If anyone has any advice on how to get this OBNOXIOUS scam to stop calling me, I'd love to hear it. Or let me know if it repeatedly happens to you...I'm thinking consumer class action? Anyone?

Bad Borrowers

Call me crazy, but isn't it true that if someone borrows something from you, then they are also obligated to return it to your possession? And I don't just mean they need to give it back because it doesn't belong to them. I mean they need to do the work to get it back to you.

Recently I have been noticing a trend that goes against this basic principle. A person will borrow something that belongs to me, but then expect me to come get it when they are done. Okay, so let me get this straight...I give you something that belongs to ME. You don't have to pay to use the item, you don't have to purchase your own item, and you get to enjoy the benefits of its use. If you don't return it, however, then not only do I gain nothing by letting you take my property, and I am deprived of its use while you have it, but I must now expend time and effort to get it back??? What the hell is that?

Example: a friend borrowed a cookbook from me. She has borrowed it multiple times. Why she has not gone out and bought her own copy, since she likes it so much, is beyond me. She doesn't just keep it until she's done with it. She keeps it until I ask for it back. When I need it, I have to drive all the way to her apt. to get it. Maybe next time she borrows it, I should just bend over for her. (Note: there will not be a next time. I have learned my lesson.)

If these are the rules of exchange (that you use my shit and then I have to go out of my way to get it back when you decide that you're done with it), then why on earth would we ever let anyone borrow anything?? It doesn't seem like there's much benefit to that bargain.

The rules should be: use it, return it promptly. If you need to keep it longer, you ask permission or at least apologize. If it is damaged in any way, you offer to pay for the damage or you replace it. And always always always, unless another agreement is reached, YOU return it. You don't expect the lendee to have to come get it. I thought these rules were well known, but apparently not.

My new policy is that if someone borrows my stuff and makes me go get it back, then that's the last thing they ever borrow from me. You've been warned!

Trader Joe's

Don't get me wrong...I LOVE Trader Joe's. I love Joe's food. I love his prices. I love his business model. But as with most relationships, my relationship with Joe is complicated. And we all know that the people you love can hurt you the most. Trader Joe is no exception. EVERY time I go to visit Joe, it is always an ORDEAL. It can never just be simple and easy. Joe is the quintissential stereotype of a frustrating male. Behold the overwhelming evidence:

1) It is impossible to find parking. Thankfully I live in walking distance now. But if I want to stop by on the way home from work, not really an option. Typical man...plays hard to get.

2) It is always PACKED. No exceptions. No matter what time of day, no matter what day of the week, it is packed. You can't get through the aisles, you can't get to the food, and forget about getting to the free samples. Typical man...not easily accessible.

3) Most, but not all, of the people who shop there are obnoxious. Most shoppers are pretentious, bourgie, judgmental, insert other upper-middle-class-Bay-Area stereotype here. I feel like I'm being judged every time I pick something off the shelf. I got some looks today when I picked up a 6-pack of soda (OMG...do you know how much SUGAR is in that? Yes, I do...that is why it is delicious.). I don't like to be judged based on what I put in my basket. Typical male...makes you feel self-conscious and judged, and you don't like his friends.

4) TJ's always runs out of my favorite items. At least a few things on my list are ALWAYS out of stock. Likely because they are highly popular...okay, then ORDER MORE. Keep those shelves stocked! He gets me hooked on these delicious items like chicken sausage calzone, or cornmeal crust pizza. Then he withholds them, leaving me unsatisfied and wanting more. Typical male...plays mind games and has poor planning skills.

5) You have to wait FOREVER to check out. This is also without exception. The lines are always looooong and the cashiers are often slow and sometimes borderline incompetent. Today the woman in front of me had $280 worth of groceries. She needed two carts. That is a LOT of groceries. There was no one to bag, and she didn't dare lift a finger. So I have to sit there while the cashier rings up $280 worth of groceries AND bags it all by himself. Then he stopped in the middle to tie a balloon around the woman's daughter's wrist. Um, sir...let the mom tie the balloon, you just keep doing your job. Then a bag ripped and instead of picking it up and putting the entire ripped bag into an unripped bag, he transferred each item, one by one, into a new bag. IT TOOK FOREVER. Meanwhile my blood pressure is going up and I'm about to lose it. Don't make me wait, Joe! Stop paying so much attention to other women! Typical male...makes you wait and makes you jealous.

Alright, so Joe has many qualities of a typical male that are extremely obnoxious. But he is also close by, can offer a wide variety of wonderful items, and provides much-needed sustenance. And even after the drama, you are left with bags full of deliciousness that last for days. Even as we speak, I am dipping my pita chips into Joe's hummus, enjoying every crunchy, hummus-y bite, and feeling a bit euphoric.

So in sum, maybe my relationship with Trader Joe is unhealthy and thrives on dramatic highs and lows. But at the end of the day, I'll take that drama if it gets me some hummus. I love you, Joe. I always will.

Bathroom Blabbers

Men like to tease women by telling us we all HAVE to go to the bathroom together. For me, this could not be farther from the truth. I suffer from a pretty intense case of stage fright. If someone is in the bathroom, I absolutely CANNOT go. I know I am not alone in this.

I hate when I walk into a bathroom and someone is in there. Multiple people is better, because there are so many noises in there that no one sits there and listens to you...you know, GO. But when it is just me and one other person, I sit there paralyzed. I am aware that they can hear everything I am doing. I freeze. I can't go. I try to do long division in my head (someone once told me that'll do it...sometimes it works). I count the tiles on the floor. I sit there and worry that the other person thinks I am having bathroom "issues" and that is why I am sitting silently in my stall. That fear just makes it worse. Usually I have to wait until they leave. It is very inconvenient.

But hey, usually it is some random stranger who only knows what my shoes look like, so who cares? Well it isn't always a stranger. Sometimes a friend or a coworker goes in there with you. That makes it ten thousand times worse. Because if they think you are having bathroom issues, then they will think it about it every time they see you for the rest of the day, maybe longer. Then it's REALLY impossible to go.

Alright, all that is bad enough. But then there are the people who TALK TO YOU WHILE YOU ARE GOING. Somehow these people are able to do their business through ANYTHING. How can you go to the bathroom while someone is chit-chatting with you??? I personally cannot. If I'm having a friendly conversation, nothin' else is happenin', you know what I mean?

The other day I was in a meeting with another attorney who I am somewhat intimidated by. Much to my dismay, when I got up to use the restroom, she decided she had to go, too. She talked to me about the law as we walked in, both sat in the stalls, while SHE went, and while I sat there frozen. I couldn't even think about actually using the bathroom until after she left. She stayed in there talking to me for a bit. I wanted to DIE. Eventually she left. I dread to imagine what she must have thought was going on in there. Damn you, stage fright.

Anyway, there are many places where it is appropriate to have a conversation, but the bathroom is not really one of them. Unless you are washing your hands, or applying lipstick in the mirror, or something along those lines, lay off the bathroom banter. I CAN'T GO IF YOU ARE TALKING TO ME. If I know someone well enough, I will tell them, "Hey, I don't mean to be rude, but I can't go if you're in here talking to me." But if I don't know someone that well, I have to sit there mortified about what they must be thinking while my "need to go" refuses to materialize. My rule: "if you're exposing bare butt, keep your mouth shut." Easy to remember. So lock those lips in the lavatory people. I don't need the stress!

Catalogs, Catalogs, Catalogs

It's 2009. I know that some people are still disputing the existence of global warming, but does ANYONE dispute the contention that we need to conserve trees? Gone are the days where we use paper with abandonment. There are recycling bins next to nearly every trash can in every office across America. We recycle paper in our homes (hopefully). We sign up for paperless billing, and email or scan documents when we don't need hard copies. So WHY, in this age of conservation and recycling, do I still get SO MANY DAMN CATALOGS IN THE MAIL???

They are like viruses. You usually get one from buying something from the company. And you get it every month. Then somehow you get catalogs from companies somewhat similar to the company from which you bought something. Sometimes I will get not one, but TWO catalogs from the EXACT same company each month. Same name, same address...but two copies. You get copies of catalogs from people who once lived there but moved long ago. And once you get them once, you get them FOREVER.

Rarely rarely rarely do I enjoy receiving a catalog. If I want to shop, I'll go to the store or go online. And yet the catalogs keep comin'. It's especially annoying because a lot of the time I get catalog from a gift I bought for someone. It wasn't for ME. I don't like the crap your company sells! Stop sending me catalogs for Christian books! That ONE book I bought 4 years ago was for my mother, not me! I don't want to even look at your junk, nevermind BUY it. It feels like I'm being punished. I gave your company my money! I stimulated the economy! So stop punishing me by inundating me with useless refuse!

Today my mail box was crammed full of those circulars from the local grocery store and drug store. My real mail didn't even fit in there. AND I got circulars a few days ago from the same places. How many circulars does one person need? I don't even read them! My recycling bin is full of catalogs and circulars that I don't give a crap about. So much wasted paper. So many wasted trees.

I propose criminal sanctions for catalog abuse. Assault by catalog! Don't send us catalogs unless we ask for them! Or email us instead! Or make it really easy to get unsubscribed from your dumb catalog mailing list. Like the "Do Not Call" list. Is there a "Do Not Mail" list somewhere?

So Crate and Barrel, J.Crew, Pottery Barn, and anything related to Christian books...please leave me, my mail box, and my recycling bin alone. We just want to be environmentally responsible, and you're ruining it. You and your dumb glossy pages...

P.S. I apologize for all of the exclamation points. Catalogs just make me really, really angry.

Ridiculous Baby Names

What do Hermes, the Greek messenger god, Bronx, the New York City burrough, and Kal-el, Superman's birth name, all have in common? They are all names that jackass celebrities imposed on their poor, defenseless babies. (Names chosen by Kelly Rutherford, Ashlee Simpson/Pete Wentz, and Nicholas Cage, respectively).

What is it with celebrities? Who do they think they are? "Oh, I'm famous so I can name my kid after an adverb." (Milla Jovovich's child: Ever.) "I'm so important, I will name my child after a bluegrass instrument." (Rachel Griffiths' child: Banjo.) "Let's be quirky and name our kid after itself." (David Duchovny and Tea Leoni's child: Kyd.)

Some are just outright WEIRD, or incredibly childish: Spec Wildhorse, child of singer John Cougar Mellencamp and model Elaine Irwin; Audio Science, child of sort-of celebrity Shannyn Sossamon; Pilot Inspektor, child of Jason Lee. Then there's director Robert Rodriguez, of El Mariachi and Desperado fame, who decided to have a whole slew of strangely named children: Rocket, Racer, Rebel, and Rogue Rodriguez. (Note that I keep saying "child" rather than boy or girl. It's because for the vast majority of these children, I have no idea what the sex of the child is based on the name alone.)

I guess they think they're being creative? Most of the time it's just obnoxiously pretentious. And these are children of celebrities! As though they aren't going to stick out enough in life. Why not ensure that they will never, ever have a normal life by naming them after a tree? (Pine: the child of Duran Duran's Simon LeBon.) Or make sure your kid is mocked incessantly by making up a word that means nothing but contains something you pick out of your nose. (Tabooger: from MTV's Dan Cortese.)

I used to be upset when I was a kid because no one spells "Meghan" with an "h," because I could never buy anything personalized, like pencils or stickers or those tiny license plate crappy things. Everything always spelled my name "Megan." I felt so left out...if only my name was "Melissa" or "Jennifer." Imagine trying to find a tiny license plate that says "Moxie Crimefighter?" (child of magician/reality contestant Penn Jillette.)

And of course it isn't just celebrities. Non-celebrity mere mortals do it, too. As a teacher, I used to see some real gems. A boy named Everlasting. A girl named Tequila. And I used to feel bad for the kid in my class named William Williams...

Let's call this what it is: child abuse. You are effectively relegating your child to a life of taunts and ridicule, all so you can feel "unique." It's incredibly selfish. Do you ever stop and think of how this child will feel with the name Zolten? (Another Penn Jillette gem.) Let's just hope these parents don't spend the rest of their child's life putting their own random whims over the best interests of their child.

P.S. And the winner for the child name that is SO bad it's actually kind of awesome: Jermajesty, child of Jermaine Jackson.

Unabashed Nudity

Let me begin by apologizing about the delay in posting. There were the holidays, then I moved, then I just wasn't feeling inspired. But today in the gym locker room, as I was surrounded by 4 naked ladies well into their 60s, inspiration found me.

I get it...locker rooms are for nudity. You change into your workout clothes, you shower, you get dressed for the outside world. Each of these acts require being naked. And no, you should not have to cover yourself up at every turn or be ashamed of your body. It's only women in the locker room, that's what they're for, it's freeing to not care, blah blah blah.

But there is naked, and there is NAKED. It's the difference between walking naked from the shower to the changing area...and sitting naked on a bench, legs spread wide, having a lengthy conversation with someone. I understand necessary nudity. I just don't understand the "zero modesty whatsoever" policy. It's...for lack of a better word...awkward to be around someone completely nude for an extended period of time. It's awkward to see them drying off their hair while their everything jiggles and shakes. Call me a jerk, but I just don't need to see a woman old enough to be my grandmother bent over putting on lotion. (Shudder)

Mike has to work out at the same gym as his professors. And inevitably, he's had to run into them as they've exited the shower. He's sadly been forced to endure several conversations with professors in the buff. So he basically has to stand there and speak with his superiors, all the while pretending he isn't in close proximity to soggy old man junk.

I suppose locker room nakedness is a necessary evil. And maybe I'm just a prude. Maybe when I'm 60-something I'll stroll around in my birthday suit with reckless abandonment. But until then, I'm mastering the art of lightning fast clothes changing. I want to spend as little time in that flesh fest as possible.