My Gym Nemesis

There is a woman at my gym whom I have decided is my sworn enemy. I hate her. Here is why I hate her:

Every evening, she gets on an elliptical machine and starts GOING AT IT. Like, ridiculously so. She tenses up, puts her head down, and starts pumping her arms and legs like she's on speed or something. I think she might be demon possessed.

So yes, that is irritating, but it is not why I hate her. I hate her because while she is flailing like a madwoman on her machine, she breathes EXCESSIVELY loud. She forces out every exhale with a highly audible sound, which comes out rapid fire due to her strenuous pace. It sounds like this: tshoo, tshoo, tshoo, tshoo, etc. It is SO loud that it fills the room, and is SO ridiculously distracting. I can't focus on anything except for how annoying she is and how much I hate her and want to cause her physical harm. I have to blast my music to drown her out, and even then I can STILL hear her! She is ridiculous. Her and her dumb French braid and tight capri workout pants.

Then she gets off the elliptical and gets on a stationary bike to cool down. You'd think she would stop the loud breathing. But nope. She slows it down, but does not lower the volume. TSHOOOOOO, TSHOOOOOO, TSHOOOOOOO. I thought of asking the woman at the front desk if she could tell madwoman to shut the hell up because she is ruining my workout, but I'm pretty sure the front desk lady would think I was nuts, and would possibly even revoke my membership.

Madwoman also seems to have this magical power of knowing when I've gotten onto a machine, and then picks the one DIRECTLY next to me. When she shows up, I almost want to stop working out and move to a new machine, just to avoid her. A few times I have forgotten my iPod, and when she showed up, I seriously almost left the gym altogether.

So if that wasn't bad enough, she did the crappiest thing today. At our gym you have to write down the time you get on, and you're only supposed to be on there for 30 minutes. But people stay on longer all the time, which I find acceptable as long as there are open machines. Today, obnoxious madwoman went up to the perfectly normal woman on the machine next to me and said, "excuse me, you've been on the machine for 3o minutes." You may be thinking, those are the rules, what is wrong with that? But there were several EMPTY MACHINES. In fact, there was one RIGHT next to her! And the poor woman only had like, 2 minutes left. Who kicks someone off a machine when there are identical machines free and available??? This assface, that's who. So there she is next to me AGAIN, making we want to hurl my full Sigg bottle at her head.

To sum up: assface French-braided madwoman is not only supremely irritating, but she is also a huge jerk. And she is my nemesis. A showdown is looming. I'll keep you posted.