One-Uppers

You know the type. You got up at 6:30 and ran 2 miles, they got up at 5:30 and ran 10. You have a headache, they have a migraine. You've been having a bad day, they've been having a bad year.

Think Penelope from Saturday Night Live: "My cat passed away too, so...my cat was older than hers, so I'm more sad...my cat was my child, I was pregnant with my cat, so..."

There is no need to explain why these people drive me nuts, as it is quite self-explanatory.

P.S. I heart Penelope.

Selfish Sidewalk Strollers

You're walking down the street. You suddenly need to stop, for whatever reason (you need to tie your shoe, you're about to sneeze, you're having a religious epiphany, etc.). So you stop dead in your tracks, right? WRONG. If there are people walking behind you, and they are following the flow of foot traffic, then you're going to force them to stop dead in their tracks, though they aren't as prepared as you were to stop. You will likely give the person behind you a jarring jolt as they try not to bump into you or get knocked down by the people behind them. The WORST of the worst is when people do this at the top of an escalator. And yet it happens all the time! Dude...just where exactly am I supposed to GO???

This behavior is what I call selfish sidewalk strolling. But the sudden stop isn't the only kind of selfish sidewalk strolling. It also includes people who walk really slowly, but in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk, so you can't easily get around them. Or when there are multiple people walking slowly in a row, so you literally have to step into the street to get around them.

In fact, just the other day this group of four young adults were walking toward me, four abroad, taking up the sidewalk from end to end. To the left of me was a busy street, and to the right was a chain-link fence. I tried to move over toward the fence as far as I could short of actually climbing the damn thing, as the group clearly didn't notice me there RIGHT in front of them, and this guy on the end basically body-checked me as he walked by. Did he apologize? Nope. He swore at me. Yes, that's right. It's MY fault for existing, for disturbing his obstacle-free stroll down a public sidewalk that he clearly has some entitlement to. Next time I'll scale the fence, buddy, just for you.

I'll admit it, I'm a fast and impatient walker. But I can slow down when it is reasonable to do so, like if there are a lot of pedestrians out, or when someone has a legitimate impediment to moving quickly. What I do not understand is why certain unimpeded individuals feel that it is okay to take up an entire sidewalk at the expense of others, when they could move to the side and let everyone enjoy ambulation. That's all I'm sayin'...

Fake Words

The following are NOT words:

irregardless
flustrated
fustrated
supposably
laxadaisacal
copastatic
exspecially (or exspresso, or any other word that begins with an "es" and gets an "x" wrongly inserted)

Regular usage of these fake words as though they were real words is both egregious and unacceptable.

Along the same vein, the following phrase drives me nuts:

I could care less. (That makes no sense. It should be "I could not care less." For obvious reasons).

Unnecessary Driving in the Passing Lane

When I took Driver's Ed all those years ago, my instructor, Gordon, drilled into our young minds that the left lane of the highway was for PASSING ONLY. Much to my chagrin, it seems as though Gordon was among the few who included this gem of a lesson in the Driver's Ed curriculum. If I had a nickel for every time I was stuck behind some irritating driver going the speed limit (or lower) in the passing lane, well...I'd have enough to pay off my law school loans.

It's such a simple concept: If you are going the speed limit (or lower), then travel in the right-hand lane. If you are going faster than the flow of that lane, then move over to the left lane. When it seems as though you are no longer going faster than the flow of traffic (and pay attention...here's the key to the whole concept), GET BACK IN THE RIGHT-HAND LANE. This way, those who wish to go faster than you are able to. Very, very simple. So if it's so simple, then why am I constantly being stuck behind slow drivers in the left lane? Why do drivers who are going the exact same speed (or slower) than the cars in the right-hand lane feel the need to drive on the left and effectively shut down the fast lane?

Not only is unnecessary driving in the passing lane extremely rude and frustrating, it is very unsafe. Besides inciting road rage, these drivers force people who do not wish to drive 60 mph in a 55 mph zone to pass on the right, or to weave in and out of traffic to get around the slow drivers. This could all be easily avoided if people treated the left lane as it should be treated: as the PASSING, not the traveling lane. Did these drivers not have a Gordon in their lives to explain this basic, yet highly effective practice?

It is especially irritating when you are on a long road trip and you've been happily cruising at 75-80, when bam--you're forced down to 60 by some jerk in the left lane going EXACTLY the same speed as the drivers in the right lane. They don't move over, you get stuck behind them, a line of frustrated motorists accumulates...and these drivers continue on, seemingly oblivious. Do these people not see the line of cars accumulating behind them? Do they not care? Do they have a special fondness for the shoulder of the left lane? Or do they get a kick out of seeing the angry drivers in their rear-view mirrors, cursing and shaking their fists?

Whatever the reasons may be, these drivers really, really drive me nuts. To all of you drivers out there who know that the left lane is the passing lane, bless you, and please spread the gospel. And to Gordon, wherever you are: thank you.

Excessively Loud iPods

Thanks to the geniuses at Apple, a large number of people are now able to easily listen to music wherever they go. The iPod is a wonderful device; I carry mine with me wherever I go. It is not wonderful, however, when I am forced to listen to someone else's iPod.

I'm talking about those people who turn the volume up on their iPods so high that I can hear what they are listening to. Putting aside the fact that these individuals are clearly doing some serious damage to their eardrums, listening to other people's music can be a most irritating experience.

First, it is rare that these people are ever listening to anything you actually want to hear. It's usually some hip hop garbage or aggressive heavy metal, or something equally cacophonous. Second, the music is usually loud enough to disrupt whatever you are doing, but not loud enough so you can actually make out the words. This puts you in some strange limbo where you're indundated with bass lines and the like, but can't actually tell what the song is. You may be asking, if it's such bad music, why would you want to hear the words? Well, I don't, but only hearing part of it like that somehow magnifies the annoyingness exponentially.

You may also be asking, why don't you just put on your own iPod? The answer to that would be I do put my music on, but I refuse to turn mine on as loudly as theirs (I value my hearing and do not wish to be a hypocrite), and thus can still hear their music over my own. That's right...my music is playing directly into my eardrums, and I can still hear theirs over it. (Sidenote: I have also tried listening to my iPod to drown out the obnoxious gum chewers from post #1, but once again, to no avail). And furthermore, sometimes I want to read, or just sit quietly...I don't appreciate being forced to listen to music to drown out the dissonance.

So to all of you iPod blasters who seem to have no disregard for those around you: I sincerely worry about your hearing. Please turn the volume down, if not for my sake, then for your own.

Obnoxious Gum Chewing

Obnoxious gum chewing comes in multiple variations. I will focus on the two that drive me nuts the most often: constant popping of the gum inside the mouth and chewing with the mouth open.

Many people like to pop their gum inside their mouths. It involves placing the gum strategically between your teeth and sucking in. Skilled internal gum poppers can get about 3 or 4 pops in before needing to readjust. Surprisingly, this practice creates a very loud popping sound, much louder than traditional external bubble blowing. Once or twice, it is no big deal. However, most internal gum poppers really go at it. I run into such people most often when I am taking public transportation, or trying to read at a coffee shop, or at the movies. The constant gum popping is extremely distracting. I mean, I am easily distracted always, but when an internal gum popper is really going at it, I can't read, I can't pay attention to the movie, I can't think of anything but wanting to grab the gum out of their mouth and throw it away. When the gum popping has been going on for a particularly long period of time, I sit there and wonder why it is taking so damn long for the gum to lose its flavor, and when is this person going to throw it out, already. As you can see, when a gum popper gets going, I am unable to do much else than sit there seething with irritation. It is not very productive.

The second variation of obnoxious gum chewing is with the mouth open. Besides being basic bad manners, open-mouthed gum chewing enables those around you to hear the sound of the gum sticking to and unsticking from your teeth. It sounds much like a cow chewing cud, or something similarly unappealing. The same effects ensue...I can't do anything but think about how annoying the sound is, how rude it is, and suppress my urge to tell them they sound like a cow. Do I tell them they sound like a cow? No, because that would be rude. And two wrongs don't make a right. When it has been my friends doing the open-mouthed chewing, I have contemplated asking them to kindly chew with their mouths closed. But is there a tactful way to do that? No, I don't believe that there is.

So I ask...is it THAT hard to enjoy a piece of gum without disturbing those around you? I really don't think so.