Catalogs, Catalogs, Catalogs

It's 2009. I know that some people are still disputing the existence of global warming, but does ANYONE dispute the contention that we need to conserve trees? Gone are the days where we use paper with abandonment. There are recycling bins next to nearly every trash can in every office across America. We recycle paper in our homes (hopefully). We sign up for paperless billing, and email or scan documents when we don't need hard copies. So WHY, in this age of conservation and recycling, do I still get SO MANY DAMN CATALOGS IN THE MAIL???

They are like viruses. You usually get one from buying something from the company. And you get it every month. Then somehow you get catalogs from companies somewhat similar to the company from which you bought something. Sometimes I will get not one, but TWO catalogs from the EXACT same company each month. Same name, same address...but two copies. You get copies of catalogs from people who once lived there but moved long ago. And once you get them once, you get them FOREVER.

Rarely rarely rarely do I enjoy receiving a catalog. If I want to shop, I'll go to the store or go online. And yet the catalogs keep comin'. It's especially annoying because a lot of the time I get catalog from a gift I bought for someone. It wasn't for ME. I don't like the crap your company sells! Stop sending me catalogs for Christian books! That ONE book I bought 4 years ago was for my mother, not me! I don't want to even look at your junk, nevermind BUY it. It feels like I'm being punished. I gave your company my money! I stimulated the economy! So stop punishing me by inundating me with useless refuse!

Today my mail box was crammed full of those circulars from the local grocery store and drug store. My real mail didn't even fit in there. AND I got circulars a few days ago from the same places. How many circulars does one person need? I don't even read them! My recycling bin is full of catalogs and circulars that I don't give a crap about. So much wasted paper. So many wasted trees.

I propose criminal sanctions for catalog abuse. Assault by catalog! Don't send us catalogs unless we ask for them! Or email us instead! Or make it really easy to get unsubscribed from your dumb catalog mailing list. Like the "Do Not Call" list. Is there a "Do Not Mail" list somewhere?

So Crate and Barrel, J.Crew, Pottery Barn, and anything related to Christian books...please leave me, my mail box, and my recycling bin alone. We just want to be environmentally responsible, and you're ruining it. You and your dumb glossy pages...

P.S. I apologize for all of the exclamation points. Catalogs just make me really, really angry.

Ridiculous Baby Names

What do Hermes, the Greek messenger god, Bronx, the New York City burrough, and Kal-el, Superman's birth name, all have in common? They are all names that jackass celebrities imposed on their poor, defenseless babies. (Names chosen by Kelly Rutherford, Ashlee Simpson/Pete Wentz, and Nicholas Cage, respectively).

What is it with celebrities? Who do they think they are? "Oh, I'm famous so I can name my kid after an adverb." (Milla Jovovich's child: Ever.) "I'm so important, I will name my child after a bluegrass instrument." (Rachel Griffiths' child: Banjo.) "Let's be quirky and name our kid after itself." (David Duchovny and Tea Leoni's child: Kyd.)

Some are just outright WEIRD, or incredibly childish: Spec Wildhorse, child of singer John Cougar Mellencamp and model Elaine Irwin; Audio Science, child of sort-of celebrity Shannyn Sossamon; Pilot Inspektor, child of Jason Lee. Then there's director Robert Rodriguez, of El Mariachi and Desperado fame, who decided to have a whole slew of strangely named children: Rocket, Racer, Rebel, and Rogue Rodriguez. (Note that I keep saying "child" rather than boy or girl. It's because for the vast majority of these children, I have no idea what the sex of the child is based on the name alone.)

I guess they think they're being creative? Most of the time it's just obnoxiously pretentious. And these are children of celebrities! As though they aren't going to stick out enough in life. Why not ensure that they will never, ever have a normal life by naming them after a tree? (Pine: the child of Duran Duran's Simon LeBon.) Or make sure your kid is mocked incessantly by making up a word that means nothing but contains something you pick out of your nose. (Tabooger: from MTV's Dan Cortese.)

I used to be upset when I was a kid because no one spells "Meghan" with an "h," because I could never buy anything personalized, like pencils or stickers or those tiny license plate crappy things. Everything always spelled my name "Megan." I felt so left out...if only my name was "Melissa" or "Jennifer." Imagine trying to find a tiny license plate that says "Moxie Crimefighter?" (child of magician/reality contestant Penn Jillette.)

And of course it isn't just celebrities. Non-celebrity mere mortals do it, too. As a teacher, I used to see some real gems. A boy named Everlasting. A girl named Tequila. And I used to feel bad for the kid in my class named William Williams...

Let's call this what it is: child abuse. You are effectively relegating your child to a life of taunts and ridicule, all so you can feel "unique." It's incredibly selfish. Do you ever stop and think of how this child will feel with the name Zolten? (Another Penn Jillette gem.) Let's just hope these parents don't spend the rest of their child's life putting their own random whims over the best interests of their child.

P.S. And the winner for the child name that is SO bad it's actually kind of awesome: Jermajesty, child of Jermaine Jackson.

Unabashed Nudity

Let me begin by apologizing about the delay in posting. There were the holidays, then I moved, then I just wasn't feeling inspired. But today in the gym locker room, as I was surrounded by 4 naked ladies well into their 60s, inspiration found me.

I get it...locker rooms are for nudity. You change into your workout clothes, you shower, you get dressed for the outside world. Each of these acts require being naked. And no, you should not have to cover yourself up at every turn or be ashamed of your body. It's only women in the locker room, that's what they're for, it's freeing to not care, blah blah blah.

But there is naked, and there is NAKED. It's the difference between walking naked from the shower to the changing area...and sitting naked on a bench, legs spread wide, having a lengthy conversation with someone. I understand necessary nudity. I just don't understand the "zero modesty whatsoever" policy. It's...for lack of a better word...awkward to be around someone completely nude for an extended period of time. It's awkward to see them drying off their hair while their everything jiggles and shakes. Call me a jerk, but I just don't need to see a woman old enough to be my grandmother bent over putting on lotion. (Shudder)

Mike has to work out at the same gym as his professors. And inevitably, he's had to run into them as they've exited the shower. He's sadly been forced to endure several conversations with professors in the buff. So he basically has to stand there and speak with his superiors, all the while pretending he isn't in close proximity to soggy old man junk.

I suppose locker room nakedness is a necessary evil. And maybe I'm just a prude. Maybe when I'm 60-something I'll stroll around in my birthday suit with reckless abandonment. But until then, I'm mastering the art of lightning fast clothes changing. I want to spend as little time in that flesh fest as possible.