Recently I have been asked the following extremely annoying question by several people, on several occasions: You and your boyfriend live together, why aren't you engaged? Besides being a sensitive and highly personal question, there is NO good answer. There is nothing you can say that doesn't come off as defensive or that actually satisfies the asker. I know, because I have tried to find the perfect response, but to no avail. They have a rebuttal to any reasonably argument I try to make as to why my unmarried cohabitation is AOK. No matter what I say, I WILL be judged.
I've tried the classic response, "we're happy with the way things are," but no one ever believes that. They think I'm secretly dying for a big rock, and won't feel complete until my poor ring finger is no longer tragically naked. I've tried, "we know we want to be together, so we aren't in a rush," but then they ask why we don't just get married if we know we want to be together. I've tried being practical: "Mike is in law school, Mike is studying for the bar, we are both just getting started in our careers, I don't want to lose eligibility for my loan repayment program, etc" but apparently people think matrimony supersedes all financial, logistical, or other reasonable and practical life considerations. I'm SURE the CA Bar Examiners would give Mike some extra time on the test if they knew he was getting MARRIED! I've even tried, "we're broke and can't afford a wedding." I thought that would shut people up, but that response also never satisfies. They tell me my parents will pay for it. I tell them this is unlikely. So they suggest taking out a loan. I don't think that the solution to being broke is to add to your debt. They then try suggesting that we just have a "small, inexpensive wedding." Ugh. After Prop 8 passed, we felt very strongly about not getting married until Prop 8 is overturned, and tried to explain this to people. But even though that logic is good enough for Brangelina, it ain't good enough for the general population. In sum...I can't win.
No matter what I say, I end up feeling like I have just been put through some weird social test which I have failed miserably. They think I'm some poor girl whose man won't commit, or my relationship isn't as good as I think it is, or I should be planning some fake pregnancy to force the issue. (I've also started getting the whole "you're 30, you don't have all the time in the world to have babies, you'd better get on that" line of comments, but that is a whole other infuriating and rude topic.)
My response to all of this? BLLLLLLLLLLEEEECK. Leave me alone! I won't even bother saying all those things about how it is no one's business, or how I know what is best for myself, or how every couple is different. I will only say this: That is a RUDE ass question, and no one should ask it, especially of someone they don't know that well. And Beyonce, darling...I love your work, but you're not helping.
P.S. If anyone can come up with an excellent response to the question of "why aren't you married?" that both shuts someone up and points out to them that they are being rude, or that is just really funny, PLEASE pass it along! I'd love to hear your suggestions...
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3 comments:
That's an easy one. You start to cry a little and tell them that you want to but Mike is already married to some woman back east. The divorce is being processed, but it will be at least 2 years before they give you a confirmation, stupid New York marriage laws! Then you thank them very much for making you reveal such highly personal and tragic information. Especially useful if done in front of a large group and you overplay the melodrama so that everyone hears while you go off on this one hapless individual. Even better now since you've been giving other answers, now they finally get to see the truth and the deep personal tragedy that they are uncovering. Trust me, no one will ask you about marriage again. Though they might question your choice of mates......... Of course, that's easy enough to deflect with a standard "he's amazing in bed and that's good enough for me" line. The more awkward you make asking you questions, the less people will do it.
Try, "I really like the thrill of commitment-free sex."
I like to deadpan, "I really just don't get how a ring on my finger could possibly make me any more ecstatically happy than I am right now."
I love you for attacking this one. C and I are living together, in the MA-equivalent of a civil union, with a joint bank account, shared cell phone plan and health insurance. We're pretty committed. And yet the judgies judge. And the hinters hint. Oh, do they hint.
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